Living apart on weekdays because of job

[Anonymous]

I think living in separate homes is ideal. He can have the kids every other weekend. Put the date in your phone. When you do divorce you won't have to wait an extra year because you're already separated.

[Anonymous]

This would be a hard no for my family. Our kids have strong relationships with both my Dh and I so being apart from either of us wouldn’t be worth more $$. Also, just because the kids get older doesn’t mean they don’t need us in new/different ways. They deal with navigating changing friendships, middle/high school classes are more challenging, increased peer pressure, driving, etc. I can’t imagine willingly taking my Dh out of the equation 5 days a week just when they could use more parental guidance. YMMV

[Anonymous]

This was the exact arrangement that happened during my childhood but it was a pay cut after a layoff and failed job search.

As a kid, it was good. My dad brought a lot of tension into the house and a new job arrangement relieved it. I did have to change my activities. I was going to join a travel soccer club but instead did more low-key sports for a year or two then switched to school-based sports.

My parents had not been happy and the arrangement gave everyone space. Interestingly, when my dad retired moved back when I was in college, their relationship became a very deep loving and supportive friendship- like an ideal golden years relationship.

As someone going through an unwanted divorce now, I wish my DH had considered creative alternatives to blowing our family up.

One note of warning: people will make comments to you and the kids unless this is some kind of altruistic job, like medicine or firefighting. Let it roll off your back. I promise it is better than divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This was the exact arrangement that happened during my childhood but it was a pay cut after a layoff and failed job search.

As a kid, it was good. My dad brought a lot of tension into the house and a new job arrangement relieved it. I did have to change my activities. I was going to join a travel soccer club but instead did more low-key sports for a year or two then switched to school-based sports.

My parents had not been happy and the arrangement gave everyone space. Interestingly, when my dad retired moved back when I was in college, their relationship became a very deep loving and supportive friendship- like an ideal golden years relationship.

As someone going through an unwanted divorce now, I wish my DH had considered creative alternatives to blowing our family up.

One note of warning: people will make comments to you and the kids unless this is some kind of altruistic job, like medicine or firefighting. Let it roll off your back. I promise it is better than divorce.

What will people say and how will they even know?

[Anonymous]

It's a FIFO lifestyle -- fly in, fly out

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]This was the exact arrangement that happened during my childhood but it was a pay cut after a layoff and failed job search.

As a kid, it was good. My dad brought a lot of tension into the house and a new job arrangement relieved it. I did have to change my activities. I was going to join a travel soccer club but instead did more low-key sports for a year or two then switched to school-based sports.

My parents had not been happy and the arrangement gave everyone space. Interestingly, when my dad retired moved back when I was in college, their relationship became a very deep loving and supportive friendship- like an ideal golden years relationship.

As someone going through an unwanted divorce now, I wish my DH had considered creative alternatives to blowing our family up.

One note of warning: people will make comments to you and the kids unless this is some kind of altruistic job, like medicine or firefighting. Let it roll off your back. I promise it is better than divorce. [/quote]

What will people say and how will they even know?[/quote]

People notice that kids decline invites because they don’t have a ride, or mom arranges new carpools, or dad isn’t at basketball.

Both us kids and my mom got questions about when my dad was going to find a local job, why he hadn’t found a local job, were my parents divorced, etc. People are nosy and think they’re being subtle.

It would have been better if my mom had gotten in front of those comments and just explained that it was a better job opportunity and the didn’t want to uproot us kids. Own the narrative and you’ll be fine.

[Anonymous]

This sounds fantastic to me. Our marriage is similar to yours….this would be quite ideal for both of us.

[Anonymous]

My parents made this work. My mom is a truly incredible, patient, hardworking person. I don’t know if everyone could make it work. We were also easy kids/teens (honestly - I ask my parents about it and they are like “yeah. You all were just very good and easy”). We were generally healthy, good grades, in very involved clubs or sports. We were able to carpool to most activities. Talked to my dad on the phone every night. He was eventually able to switch it to away early Monday morning to Thursday night. Honestly, both my parents are exceptional people, but they made it work bc it was so financially beneficial.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's OK with leaving his kids 4 days per week every week?

I don't think this sounds sustainable.

They are 10 & 12, not 4 & 2. You guys are super coddling of parents, just like how parents shouldn't need to wait till their kids are 18 to date, they shouldn't need to be their 24/7 for their 10 and 12 year olds.

Actually from 6-12 (+/- 2 years depending on gender, maturity, and executive functioning) is a super crucial time period for parents to be involved with their children.

[Anonymous]

Just confirming that you said you two already have an open marriage?

[Anonymous]

Wow, what a great parent! He wants to check out of 70% of being a father to his children?

Some people really should not have children. Just divorce him and get your half. He won't be around for custody, so you'll get more than 50%.

[Anonymous]

Won’t work long term
Good luck though

[Anonymous]

I turned down a great job offer when my oldest was a baby because it would have required this arrangement for what we thought would be two years. I have had a very different career trajectory as a result - not bad, just different. If you are both employed and doing well, I don't think doubling one salary is worth giving up every weekday with a parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, what a great parent! He wants to check out of 70% of being a father to his children?

Some people really should not have children. Just divorce him and get your half. He won't be around for custody, so you'll get more than 50%.

Why not pp? I don’t know op or her husband, but doubling the salary is not something to sneer at for most people. That’s opportunity to improve savings, college savings and improve potential for higher salary down the road. Providing for kids is also part of being a parent, why discount this aspect?

[Anonymous]

We do it...even bigger...we live in different countries...there is significant money being warned which is why we are still carrying on like this for the past 3 years..we both are on antidepressants and have basically no libido anyway...we talk three hours every day...to be honest I like him much better when he is away..he has severe adhd and made life quite difficult when he was physically around..but ido get burnt out with the kids being my sole responsibility, however he isn't a great parent anyway ...so it works if you get some peace out of it and some money..also can't be long term