Living apart on weekdays because of job

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's OK with leaving his kids 4 days per week every week?

I don't think this sounds sustainable.

They are 10 & 12, not 4 & 2. You guys are super coddling of parents, just like how parents shouldn't need to wait till their kids are 18 to date, they shouldn't need to be their 24/7 for their 10 and 12 year olds.

10 and 12 are hard ages. They need help with homework, emotional support, rides to sports practices, and friends' houses. I don't find 10 and 12 to be easier than 4 & 2.

[Anonymous]

How much money will he be sending directly into the family bank account with this new arrangement? Wondering why you're not better off getting a divorce and child support? You keep the house since he has employee-sponsored housing. What's the value of staying married?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, what a great parent! He wants to check out of 70% of being a father to his children?

Some people really should not have children. Just divorce him and get your half. He won't be around for custody, so you'll get more than 50%.

Why not pp? I don’t know op or her husband, but doubling the salary is not something to sneer at for most people. That’s opportunity to improve savings, college savings and improve potential for higher salary down the road. Providing for kids is also part of being a parent, why discount this aspect?

Because money doesn't buy a parent? Jesus. If you don't want to be around your children, don't have them. Children have no choice in this world, the very least we can provide is our time and attention. They are going to be out of the house in no time, they have 6 and 8 years left. This man is going to miss 4 & 5.5 years equivalent of those 6/8 years left. He's going to miss literal years of their life. I'm sorry you don't want your husband around much, but that is an extreme amount of time he's checking out of being a parent. I'm not going to pretend I think someone who would willingly miss 70% of the time with their children is a good parent.

He already doesn't want to be a parent at home, per op. Now he's trying to move away from his children. He doesn't want to be a parent. Just divorce him and he can pay child support. There is no point in being married with children to someone who doesn't want to be married with children.

[Anonymous]

Don’t divorce him and divide up your assets right now. If he has funding for living expenses with this new job, you’re a fool for choosing the expense of two households and divorce vs the expense of one.

[Anonymous]

How much is twice his salary? I think it's a bell curve - from $20K to $40K is not meaningless but it's not enough to provide a replacement for the care lost by one parent. I think $250k-500k to $500k-1m is the top of the bell curve - those are significant amounts of money that could make a big difference in terms of lifestyle down the road (i.e. college) but could also provide coverage for additional assistance now. Beyond $1m, how much more money do you need?

[Anonymous]

I'd move with him but keep your house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How much is twice his salary? I think it's a bell curve - from $20K to $40K is not meaningless but it's not enough to provide a replacement for the care lost by one parent. I think $250k-500k to $500k-1m is the top of the bell curve - those are significant amounts of money that could make a big difference in terms of lifestyle down the road (i.e. college) but could also provide coverage for additional assistance now. Beyond $1m, how much more money do you need?

Having said the above, my salary, and my husband's salary, are in the $250k-500k range and we wouldn't do this kind of set up for more money but we love our life and what we have set up and neither of us would be willing to be away from our kids that much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How much is twice his salary? I think it's a bell curve - from $20K to $40K is not meaningless but it's not enough to provide a replacement for the care lost by one parent. I think $250k-500k to $500k-1m is the top of the bell curve - those are significant amounts of money that could make a big difference in terms of lifestyle down the road (i.e. college) but could also provide coverage for additional assistance now. Beyond $1m, how much more money do you need?

Going from 300k to 600k. We don't NEED to do this to survive, which somehow makes the decision harder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, what a great parent! He wants to check out of 70% of being a father to his children?

Some people really should not have children. Just divorce him and get your half. He won't be around for custody, so you'll get more than 50%.

Why not pp? I don’t know op or her husband, but doubling the salary is not something to sneer at for most people. That’s opportunity to improve savings, college savings and improve potential for higher salary down the road. Providing for kids is also part of being a parent, why discount this aspect?

Because money doesn't buy a parent? Jesus. If you don't want to be around your children, don't have them. Children have no choice in this world, the very least we can provide is our time and attention. They are going to be out of the house in no time, they have 6 and 8 years left. This man is going to miss 4 & 5.5 years equivalent of those 6/8 years left. He's going to miss literal years of their life. I'm sorry you don't want your husband around much, but that is an extreme amount of time he's checking out of being a parent. I'm not going to pretend I think someone who would willingly miss 70% of the time with their children is a good parent.

He already doesn't want to be a parent at home, per op. Now he's trying to move away from his children. He doesn't want to be a parent. Just divorce him and he can pay child support. There is no point in being married with children to someone who doesn't want to be married with children.

OP said she does everything already anyway- how involved is he with the kids during the week as it is? I ask this because my own DH is not very involved with our 3 kids (1 in middle school 2 in high school) on weekdays. And not due to working long hours- he is home by 5pm, maybe 6pm at the latest. He eats dinner with whoever is around, and then goes in the den and watches tv for the rest of the evening. If any one of our kids were to disappear, it would be days before he even noticed TBH. He does not know their day to day schedules in terms of sports, activities etc. at all. Being teens, they are often in their rooms when at home. For example, I doubt my DH has spoken to our DD since maybe Sunday? And of course it is Wednesday.

Obviously not at all an ideal situation (I’m certainly not happy with it) but if OP’s household is anything like mine, the dad being “gone & away from his kids” during the week would not really make any difference anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH just got a job offer 3 hours away that pays double of what he gets now, and the job offers a house and a food stipend so $0 cost there. Work M-F, come back Fri-Sun every weekend. Our kids are 10 and 12. They will miss DH obviously but also do not want to switch schools and miss friends. What will this do to our life and relationship? We've been in separate bedrooms and not intimate for a decade.

"We've been in separate bedrooms and not intimate for a decade."

Then nothing will change. Enjoy your alone time.

[Anonymous]

Me Husabnd is about to start a new life less you and those kids


Yikes.

[Anonymous]

That^

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, what a great parent! He wants to check out of 70% of being a father to his children?

Some people really should not have children. Just divorce him and get your half. He won't be around for custody, so you'll get more than 50%.

Why not pp? I don’t know op or her husband, but doubling the salary is not something to sneer at for most people. That’s opportunity to improve savings, college savings and improve potential for higher salary down the road. Providing for kids is also part of being a parent, why discount this aspect?

Because money doesn't buy a parent? Jesus. If you don't want to be around your children, don't have them. Children have no choice in this world, the very least we can provide is our time and attention. They are going to be out of the house in no time, they have 6 and 8 years left. This man is going to miss 4 & 5.5 years equivalent of those 6/8 years left. He's going to miss literal years of their life. I'm sorry you don't want your husband around much, but that is an extreme amount of time he's checking out of being a parent. I'm not going to pretend I think someone who would willingly miss 70% of the time with their children is a good parent.

He already doesn't want to be a parent at home, per op. Now he's trying to move away from his children. He doesn't want to be a parent. Just divorce him and he can pay child support. There is no point in being married with children to someone who doesn't want to be married with children.

OP said she does everything already anyway- how involved is he with the kids during the week as it is? I ask this because my own DH is not very involved with our 3 kids (1 in middle school 2 in high school) on weekdays. And not due to working long hours- he is home by 5pm, maybe 6pm at the latest. He eats dinner with whoever is around, and then goes in the den and watches tv for the rest of the evening. If any one of our kids were to disappear, it would be days before he even noticed TBH. He does not know their day to day schedules in terms of sports, activities etc. at all. Being teens, they are often in their rooms when at home. For example, I doubt my DH has spoken to our DD since maybe Sunday? And of course it is Wednesday.

Obviously not at all an ideal situation (I’m certainly not happy with it) but if OP’s household is anything like mine, the dad being “gone & away from his kids” during the week would not really make any difference anyway.

So your husband hates you and his children, and your advice to OP is “my husband wouldn’t notice if one of his children was missing - but who cares”?

Maybe you should reflect on why you’re encouraging other women to put up with abuse from subpar men, because yikes girl, that life ain’t it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you work, OP? If not, you should all move.

I do work. My job is tied to where we currently live, but I can somewhat easily find a new job. It actually seems like the kids will prefer this set up -- they don't want to move

Of course they don't, but you're the parents and have to think about the deeper impact of having a weekend dad.

Yes, hive mind, please help me think through the long term impacts of this for my marriage, family unit and kids

They probably already have a skewed idea of marriage based on your current situation, and this certainly won't help.

[Anonymous]

A decade is a long time to go w/out marital intimacy imo.

So I think this set-up would work considering the current dynamic of your marriage.