Living apart on weekdays because of job

[Anonymous]

I had a woman colleague do this for five or more years, don’t remember how old her kids were at the time. She really liked her job, but eventually decided to find a job close to home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH just got a job offer 3 hours away that pays double of what he gets now, and the job offers a house and a food stipend so $0 cost there. Work M-F, come back Fri-Sun every weekend. Our kids are 10 and 12. They will miss DH obviously but also do not want to switch schools and miss friends. What will this do to our life and relationship? We've been in separate bedrooms and not intimate for a decade.

"We've been in separate bedrooms and not intimate for a decade."

Then nothing will change. Enjoy your alone time.

This.

[Anonymous]

There is zero way you should do this long term unless you basically decide you would have divorced anyway. Now, let’s imagine you divorced and he moved three hours away — everyone would basically think he was a terrible dad.

At ages 10 and 12, you move!! You don’t plan for kids to not live in the same city as their dad for as many as 8 years. Now, you don’t have to move right away. But you move.

I say this as someone whose dad had a career where he often moved in the winter and then we moved when the school year ended. I probably did that 5 times as a kid (including in high school). That was fine. It was at most 6 months. My sister has done it with her husband a couple times for up to 18 months. But, her husband flew out Monday morning and was home Thursday night. It was very hard, but made sense because he has jobs that he knows won’t last more than 1-2 years.

If you don’t want to move immediately, ok. Make sure he loves the job first. Take your time figuring out where to live. But don’t make spilt kids from their parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This was the exact arrangement that happened during my childhood but it was a pay cut after a layoff and failed job search.

As a kid, it was good. My dad brought a lot of tension into the house and a new job arrangement relieved it. I did have to change my activities. I was going to join a travel soccer club but instead did more low-key sports for a year or two then switched to school-based sports.

My parents had not been happy and the arrangement gave everyone space. Interestingly, when my dad retired moved back when I was in college, their relationship became a very deep loving and supportive friendship- like an ideal golden years relationship.

As someone going through an unwanted divorce now, I wish my DH had considered creative alternatives to blowing our family up.

One note of warning: people will make comments to you and the kids unless this is some kind of altruistic job, like medicine or firefighting. Let it roll off your back. I promise it is better than divorce.

That’s ridiculous. Nobody’s going to make a comment. Nobody cares and why would anybody know that’s the most ridiculous thing to say I was separated for an entire two years and we were nesting so we were each moving in and out of the house every other day and no one had a clue when we travel for weeks at a time back-and-forth nobody knows any difference. Nobody cares about these things and saying that is not any reason to not do an alternative arrangement in fact, I think this alternative arrangement is ideal and for the record sometimes divorces are not awful at all and it’s best for everybody but in this scenario, it doesn’t sound like a divorce is needed and the perfect alternative of this situation is actually fine. Nobody cares.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH just got a job offer 3 hours away that pays double of what he gets now, and the job offers a house and a food stipend so $0 cost there. Work M-F, come back Fri-Sun every weekend. Our kids are 10 and 12. They will miss DH obviously but also do not want to switch schools and miss friends. What will this do to our life and relationship? We've been in separate bedrooms and not intimate for a decade.

Meanwhile my ex divorced me because she said she was bored and needed to find herself lol. I didn't cheat, sex was great, and I was even the primary parent.

Its interesting how some women will never divorce while others will do so over trivial things.

In my case I made 4x my ex salary. So as you can imagine, she is making more not working from most people because of money transferred to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I turned down a great job offer when my oldest was a baby because it would have required this arrangement for what we thought would be two years. I have had a very different career trajectory as a result - not bad, just different. If you are both employed and doing well, I don't think doubling one salary is worth giving up every weekday with a parent.

I think it’s absolutely fine in previous generations most children really didn’t see their dad much at all even when they were living in the same house and married my mom never saw her dad except Sundays at dinner that is it because he was working. I never saw my daddy either because he was working and there were several years when he did not live with us because there was a better job further away. It’s totally fine. People are making way too big a deal of this him seeing the kids every weekend is fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I turned down a great job offer when my oldest was a baby because it would have required this arrangement for what we thought would be two years. I have had a very different career trajectory as a result - not bad, just different. If you are both employed and doing well, I don't think doubling one salary is worth giving up every weekday with a parent.

I think it’s absolutely fine in previous generations most children really didn’t see their dad much at all even when they were living in the same house and married my mom never saw her dad except Sundays at dinner that is it because he was working. I never saw my daddy either because he was working and there were several years when he did not live with us because there was a better job further away. It’s totally fine. People are making way too big a deal of this him seeing the kids every weekend is fine.

This is very true. Women today will not accept this arrangement. Sleeping in separate bedroom was common. Today, its a sign of marital distress. Even if your spouse has horrible sleeping habits, you have to endure lack of sleep because separate bedroom OMG no that's the end of the marriage

[Anonymous]

We do it but more two weeks on, two weeks off. It is hard but my son is grown. It is also short term, less than 6 months. I don't find the actual time apart that difficult but it is the readjusting to being back together that is difficult.

[Anonymous]

No thanks.

[Anonymous]

"Its interesting how some women will never divorce while others will do so over trivial things.

In my case I made 4x my ex salary. So as you can imagine, she is making more not working from most people because of money transferred to her."

What nobody understands unless they've had the misfortune to experience personally it is that it is entirely possible for a woman to not work for most or even all of her adult years and still live very well if she "marries well." I'm guessing that your wife sat down and looked at the numbers and realized that the reduction in lifestyle she'd experience by divorcing was going to be very slight, and so she left when she felt bored. (Courts use two guiding principles in states like VA -- the high earner "owes" the low earner maintanence at the same standard of living until she remarries, and the ratio of the high earner salary to the lower earner's salary determines how much gets forked over monthly.) This is why it's "bad" advice to tell SAHWs to get a job if they plan to divorce. That would decrease the salary ratio and thereby decrease her monthly alimony payment. Basically, PP's ex could have her cake and eat it too, given how generous some states are to women who bring in no money to the household. When you're going to be set for life regardless of whether you stick it out or leave the marriage, it's easy to divorce a high earning man over trivial things.

OP should upgrade her lifestyle as much as possible as quickly as possible once her husband starts earning $600K. And she should quit her job ASAP. Then, in about 2 years, she files for divorce and gets alimony based on her new $600K lifestyle, not the current $300K standard of living.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I turned down a great job offer when my oldest was a baby because it would have required this arrangement for what we thought would be two years. I have had a very different career trajectory as a result - not bad, just different. If you are both employed and doing well, I don't think doubling one salary is worth giving up every weekday with a parent.

I think it’s absolutely fine in previous generations most children really didn’t see their dad much at all even when they were living in the same house and married my mom never saw her dad except Sundays at dinner that is it because he was working. I never saw my daddy either because he was working and there were several years when he did not live with us because there was a better job further away. It’s totally fine. People are making way too big a deal of this him seeing the kids every weekend is fine.

"I had an absentee father and turned out fine!"

If you are encouraging other absentee fathers, you did not in fact, turn out fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I turned down a great job offer when my oldest was a baby because it would have required this arrangement for what we thought would be two years. I have had a very different career trajectory as a result - not bad, just different. If you are both employed and doing well, I don't think doubling one salary is worth giving up every weekday with a parent.

I think it’s absolutely fine in previous generations most children really didn’t see their dad much at all even when they were living in the same house and married my mom never saw her dad except Sundays at dinner that is it because he was working. I never saw my daddy either because he was working and there were several years when he did not live with us because there was a better job further away. It’s totally fine. People are making way too big a deal of this him seeing the kids every weekend is fine.

"I had an absentee father and turned out fine!"

If you are encouraging other absentee fathers, you did not in fact, turn out fine.

How do you know they did not turn out of fine?

[Anonymous]

We did this for a couple of years, and as the wife/mother, I don’t recommend it.

I can’t speak on your financial situation, but for us, the money wasn’t worth it. We were comfortable and thought we could do so much with the extra money, but it’s no fun when you have a pile of cash and no companionship. It was like, what’s the point?

The kids adjusted fine. They went about their lives as they normally did. But for me, there was loneliness, and eventually, resentment. Everything—EVERYTHING—falls on you on M-F morning. On nights when things are chaotic at home, you’ll think of your husband and his carefree evenings.

Weekends aren’t the same. Your spouse will want to be HOME, so all of those things you thought you’d do with all of that extra cash? You don’t do them.

But seriously, the loneliness. Really consider this. You may be self-sufficient and enjoy your own company, but this loneliness for companionship is REAL. There is no money worth spending your good years alone. Also, you only raise kids once.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I turned down a great job offer when my oldest was a baby because it would have required this arrangement for what we thought would be two years. I have had a very different career trajectory as a result - not bad, just different. If you are both employed and doing well, I don't think doubling one salary is worth giving up every weekday with a parent.

I think it’s absolutely fine in previous generations most children really didn’t see their dad much at all even when they were living in the same house and married my mom never saw her dad except Sundays at dinner that is it because he was working. I never saw my daddy either because he was working and there were several years when he did not live with us because there was a better job further away. It’s totally fine. People are making way too big a deal of this him seeing the kids every weekend is fine.

"I had an absentee father and turned out fine!"

A father that shows up financially and through technology every day and in person on the weekends isn't absentee

If you are encouraging other absentee fathers, you did not in fact, turn out fine.

[Anonymous]

I would do it happily. We'd save it all for college and early retirement.