SN “Believers” vs SN “Non-Believers” - how to do what is in the best interest of a child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, sometimes it's SN and also parenting could improve.

In grades PK4-4th I thought my DD had pretty subtle autism. Her PK4 teacher flagged it (and she was the mother of a girl with autism), a few elopements, significant sensory *under*sensitivity, hyperlexia, special interests, generally weak social skills and social anxiety/avoidance. No major behavior problem aside from eloping like 2-3 times total in her preschool/K years. In 5th grade she improved a lot socially and has less special interests, so now in 8th I wouldn't say she meets any ASD criteria, though she's still sensory under-sensitive.

My DH never really bought into the autism possibility, and he thinks it was never a thing. I think the massive effort I put into developing her social skills was effective. So of course it irritates me immensely that he reaps the benefit of my efforts and that my successful intervention is, to him, a reason to dismiss the entire problem and tell me that I was wrong all along. It sucks. But DD is okay now so I've had to let it go.

Traditionally autism was a lifetime disabling condition. Now that diagnosis criteria have gotten so loose it’s often closer to a skills deficit than a lifetime disability. You deserve praise for addressing the skills deficit but apparently your husband was right that it wasn’t a lifetime disability

This is OP. I have a huge amount of respect for the PP you responded to. What she achieved with her daughter is extraordinary and is a dream for every parent facing this type of challenge.

However, from the tone of your message, I do not think that you even remotely understand the amount of effort and sacrifice that PP probably had to do on her own in order to raise a functioning child. The outcome does not support your or her DH’s claim that everything was fine to begin with.

I would know because that is exactly what I have been doing for so many years. Reading books, taking courses, everything and anything just to help my DS. It has all probably helped some, but, unfortunately, DS continues to have the same core issues that he had 5 years ago. My career and health are next to destroyed and I am not being a parent and spouse I wish to be while just trying to keep my DS afloat with all the issues that come up at school and home. And then DH says “well, look at all the success - he wouldn’t be able to achieve all that if there really was an issue”. I have another DC and parenting has been a walk in the park with that child.

The issue that I am going to have with an evaluation is going to be with DH going along with any findings as well as explaining it to DS if DH continues to insist there is no problem. But, I suppose I could at least know what type of additional support might be beneficial.

OP you said it yourself - you did all this work and don’t see a fundamental change. It’s a fantasy that autism can be cured with “early intervention.” The PP you are referring to simply has a child who is not and never was clinically autistic.

Pp with the daughter here. Yes, it's unclear whether it would have been significant enough for a proper diagnosis. But we can always look back and second guess things, and where is the line? What is "enough" for a diagnosis? It's easy to copy and paste from the DSM. Harder to know with a specific individual child. I do feel that her social skills are better than they would have been without my efforts.

Sure but hopefully you can understand that there is no curative therapy for kids actually diagnosed with autism. And also how annoying it is to hear you claim that eg because you taught her to what, say please? that you have some special skill as a a parent that those of us with kids on the spectrum don’t have. News flash, actual autism social communication issues are much more than just being awkward about greetings or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, sometimes it's SN and also parenting could improve.

In grades PK4-4th I thought my DD had pretty subtle autism. Her PK4 teacher flagged it (and she was the mother of a girl with autism), a few elopements, significant sensory *under*sensitivity, hyperlexia, special interests, generally weak social skills and social anxiety/avoidance. No major behavior problem aside from eloping like 2-3 times total in her preschool/K years. In 5th grade she improved a lot socially and has less special interests, so now in 8th I wouldn't say she meets any ASD criteria, though she's still sensory under-sensitive.

My DH never really bought into the autism possibility, and he thinks it was never a thing. I think the massive effort I put into developing her social skills was effective. So of course it irritates me immensely that he reaps the benefit of my efforts and that my successful intervention is, to him, a reason to dismiss the entire problem and tell me that I was wrong all along. It sucks. But DD is okay now so I've had to let it go.

Traditionally autism was a lifetime disabling condition. Now that diagnosis criteria have gotten so loose it’s often closer to a skills deficit than a lifetime disability. You deserve praise for addressing the skills deficit but apparently your husband was right that it wasn’t a lifetime disability

This is OP. I have a huge amount of respect for the PP you responded to. What she achieved with her daughter is extraordinary and is a dream for every parent facing this type of challenge.

However, from the tone of your message, I do not think that you even remotely understand the amount of effort and sacrifice that PP probably had to do on her own in order to raise a functioning child. The outcome does not support your or her DH’s claim that everything was fine to begin with.

I would know because that is exactly what I have been doing for so many years. Reading books, taking courses, everything and anything just to help my DS. It has all probably helped some, but, unfortunately, DS continues to have the same core issues that he had 5 years ago. My career and health are next to destroyed and I am not being a parent and spouse I wish to be while just trying to keep my DS afloat with all the issues that come up at school and home. And then DH says “well, look at all the success - he wouldn’t be able to achieve all that if there really was an issue”. I have another DC and parenting has been a walk in the park with that child.

The issue that I am going to have with an evaluation is going to be with DH going along with any findings as well as explaining it to DS if DH continues to insist there is no problem. But, I suppose I could at least know what type of additional support might be beneficial.

OP you said it yourself - you did all this work and don’t see a fundamental change. It’s a fantasy that autism can be cured with “early intervention.” The PP you are referring to simply has a child who is not and never was clinically autistic.

Pp with the daughter here. Yes, it's unclear whether it would have been significant enough for a proper diagnosis. But we can always look back and second guess things, and where is the line? What is "enough" for a diagnosis? It's easy to copy and paste from the DSM. Harder to know with a specific individual child. I do feel that her social skills are better than they would have been without my efforts.

Sure but hopefully you can understand that there is no curative therapy for kids actually diagnosed with autism. And also how annoying it is to hear you claim that eg because you taught her to what, say please? that you have some special skill as a a parent that those of us with kids on the spectrum don’t have. News flash, actual autism social communication issues are much more than just being awkward about greetings or whatever.

I do not think I have any special skill. Nor am I making any claims about "curative" therapy. I believe that everyone can learn and grow and mature. Including people with autism and people without autism. I hope that you also think that.

The nebulous, imprecise boundaries of the autism diagnostic criteria are not some brick wall that people run into. If someone was just within the criteria and then improved their skills a bit, they could end up on the other side of the "line". That is what may have happened with my DD. Or not. It's hard to say in retrospect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, sometimes it's SN and also parenting could improve.

In grades PK4-4th I thought my DD had pretty subtle autism. Her PK4 teacher flagged it (and she was the mother of a girl with autism), a few elopements, significant sensory *under*sensitivity, hyperlexia, special interests, generally weak social skills and social anxiety/avoidance. No major behavior problem aside from eloping like 2-3 times total in her preschool/K years. In 5th grade she improved a lot socially and has less special interests, so now in 8th I wouldn't say she meets any ASD criteria, though she's still sensory under-sensitive.

My DH never really bought into the autism possibility, and he thinks it was never a thing. I think the massive effort I put into developing her social skills was effective. So of course it irritates me immensely that he reaps the benefit of my efforts and that my successful intervention is, to him, a reason to dismiss the entire problem and tell me that I was wrong all along. It sucks. But DD is okay now so I've had to let it go.

Traditionally autism was a lifetime disabling condition. Now that diagnosis criteria have gotten so loose it’s often closer to a skills deficit than a lifetime disability. You deserve praise for addressing the skills deficit but apparently your husband was right that it wasn’t a lifetime disability

This is OP. I have a huge amount of respect for the PP you responded to. What she achieved with her daughter is extraordinary and is a dream for every parent facing this type of challenge.

However, from the tone of your message, I do not think that you even remotely understand the amount of effort and sacrifice that PP probably had to do on her own in order to raise a functioning child. The outcome does not support your or her DH’s claim that everything was fine to begin with.

I would know because that is exactly what I have been doing for so many years. Reading books, taking courses, everything and anything just to help my DS. It has all probably helped some, but, unfortunately, DS continues to have the same core issues that he had 5 years ago. My career and health are next to destroyed and I am not being a parent and spouse I wish to be while just trying to keep my DS afloat with all the issues that come up at school and home. And then DH says “well, look at all the success - he wouldn’t be able to achieve all that if there really was an issue”. I have another DC and parenting has been a walk in the park with that child.

The issue that I am going to have with an evaluation is going to be with DH going along with any findings as well as explaining it to DS if DH continues to insist there is no problem. But, I suppose I could at least know what type of additional support might be beneficial.

OP you said it yourself - you did all this work and don’t see a fundamental change. It’s a fantasy that autism can be cured with “early intervention.” The PP you are referring to simply has a child who is not and never was clinically autistic.

Pp with the daughter here. Yes, it's unclear whether it would have been significant enough for a proper diagnosis. But we can always look back and second guess things, and where is the line? What is "enough" for a diagnosis? It's easy to copy and paste from the DSM. Harder to know with a specific individual child. I do feel that her social skills are better than they would have been without my efforts.

Sure but hopefully you can understand that there is no curative therapy for kids actually diagnosed with autism. And also how annoying it is to hear you claim that eg because you taught her to what, say please? that you have some special skill as a a parent that those of us with kids on the spectrum don’t have. News flash, actual autism social communication issues are much more than just being awkward about greetings or whatever.

I do not think I have any special skill. Nor am I making any claims about "curative" therapy. I believe that everyone can learn and grow and mature. Including people with autism and people without autism. I hope that you also think that.

The nebulous, imprecise boundaries of the autism diagnostic criteria are not some brick wall that people run into. If someone was just within the criteria and then improved their skills a bit, they could end up on the other side of the "line". That is what may have happened with my DD. Or not. It's hard to say in retrospect.

So basically fake SN. Got it.

[Anonymous]

I have a teen who I think is undiagnosed inattentive adhd, maybe even AuDHD with the Au component being super mild. Teachers have hinted at things at times (is capable of better work! Hard to keep on track!) but the school basically denied any evals as he wasn’t failing. I saw some social challenges but he always had some social interactions “normal” enough to not cause major concerns.

His dad is against the evaluation for all the same tired reasons so I am waiting for him to turn 18 to gently steer him towards getting evaluated. The problem is that since he has a lot of EF supports from me, no one knows he is prone to failing. And I saw my supports as normal parenting (making sure he does hw) but now he is older but still needs help in staying on track with his assignments and it worries me!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, sometimes it's SN and also parenting could improve.

In grades PK4-4th I thought my DD had pretty subtle autism. Her PK4 teacher flagged it (and she was the mother of a girl with autism), a few elopements, significant sensory *under*sensitivity, hyperlexia, special interests, generally weak social skills and social anxiety/avoidance. No major behavior problem aside from eloping like 2-3 times total in her preschool/K years. In 5th grade she improved a lot socially and has less special interests, so now in 8th I wouldn't say she meets any ASD criteria, though she's still sensory under-sensitive.

My DH never really bought into the autism possibility, and he thinks it was never a thing. I think the massive effort I put into developing her social skills was effective. So of course it irritates me immensely that he reaps the benefit of my efforts and that my successful intervention is, to him, a reason to dismiss the entire problem and tell me that I was wrong all along. It sucks. But DD is okay now so I've had to let it go.

Traditionally autism was a lifetime disabling condition. Now that diagnosis criteria have gotten so loose it’s often closer to a skills deficit than a lifetime disability. You deserve praise for addressing the skills deficit but apparently your husband was right that it wasn’t a lifetime disability

This is OP. I have a huge amount of respect for the PP you responded to. What she achieved with her daughter is extraordinary and is a dream for every parent facing this type of challenge.

However, from the tone of your message, I do not think that you even remotely understand the amount of effort and sacrifice that PP probably had to do on her own in order to raise a functioning child. The outcome does not support your or her DH’s claim that everything was fine to begin with.

I would know because that is exactly what I have been doing for so many years. Reading books, taking courses, everything and anything just to help my DS. It has all probably helped some, but, unfortunately, DS continues to have the same core issues that he had 5 years ago. My career and health are next to destroyed and I am not being a parent and spouse I wish to be while just trying to keep my DS afloat with all the issues that come up at school and home. And then DH says “well, look at all the success - he wouldn’t be able to achieve all that if there really was an issue”. I have another DC and parenting has been a walk in the park with that child.

The issue that I am going to have with an evaluation is going to be with DH going along with any findings as well as explaining it to DS if DH continues to insist there is no problem. But, I suppose I could at least know what type of additional support might be beneficial.

OP you said it yourself - you did all this work and don’t see a fundamental change. It’s a fantasy that autism can be cured with “early intervention.” The PP you are referring to simply has a child who is not and never was clinically autistic.

Pp with the daughter here. Yes, it's unclear whether it would have been significant enough for a proper diagnosis. But we can always look back and second guess things, and where is the line? What is "enough" for a diagnosis? It's easy to copy and paste from the DSM. Harder to know with a specific individual child. I do feel that her social skills are better than they would have been without my efforts.

Sure but hopefully you can understand that there is no curative therapy for kids actually diagnosed with autism. And also how annoying it is to hear you claim that eg because you taught her to what, say please? that you have some special skill as a a parent that those of us with kids on the spectrum don’t have. News flash, actual autism social communication issues are much more than just being awkward about greetings or whatever.

I do not think I have any special skill. Nor am I making any claims about "curative" therapy. I believe that everyone can learn and grow and mature. Including people with autism and people without autism. I hope that you also think that.

The nebulous, imprecise boundaries of the autism diagnostic criteria are not some brick wall that people run into. If someone was just within the criteria and then improved their skills a bit, they could end up on the other side of the "line". That is what may have happened with my DD. Or not. It's hard to say in retrospect.

So basically fake SN. Got it.

No. Borderline, ambiguous SN. But you seem determined to be rigid and discourteous about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think everyone goes through a process when their child gets a diagnosis. It can be hard and probably will be quite hard for your DH. That being said, even if he doesn't accept it, it will still help your kid.

Get the evaluation. Your DH may listen to an expert. If not, at least you will know what your kid has.

DP and I’m divorced and my experience was that they wouldn’t test without the other parent’s written consent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just as a counterpoint to the argument that they hand out ADHD diagnoses like candy, I was convinced third dc (5 yo) had inattentive adhd - neuropsych said nope. I had gone in armed with what I thought was abundant evidence but alas. Kindergarten was so rough, his behavior at home was terrible. Then - he got through it and a year later I wouldn’t guess that dx for him anymore. He does have mild cerebral palsy which accounts for certain challenges but no neurodiversity or other disability. These providers do know what they are doing, at least more so than Dr. Google.

I'm a professional who works with kids with disabilities. I don't personally diagnose but I work with many who do. No, ADHD diagnoses are NOT handed out like candy. This is a wrong and misleading narrative driven by ignorance or maybe worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just as a counterpoint to the argument that they hand out ADHD diagnoses like candy, I was convinced third dc (5 yo) had inattentive adhd - neuropsych said nope. I had gone in armed with what I thought was abundant evidence but alas. Kindergarten was so rough, his behavior at home was terrible. Then - he got through it and a year later I wouldn’t guess that dx for him anymore. He does have mild cerebral palsy which accounts for certain challenges but no neurodiversity or other disability. These providers do know what they are doing, at least more so than Dr. Google.

I'm a professional who works with kids with disabilities. I don't personally diagnose but I work with many who do. No, ADHD diagnoses are NOT handed out like candy. This is a wrong and misleading narrative driven by ignorance or maybe worse.

+1 I think maybe worse. There are very obvious trolls on DCUM telling people they've never met, whose kids they have never met, that their kids' diagnoses are wrong and that the parents sought out the diagnosis in kindergarten to help with college admissions or some other BS. What's their agenda?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, sometimes it's SN and also parenting could improve.

In grades PK4-4th I thought my DD had pretty subtle autism. Her PK4 teacher flagged it (and she was the mother of a girl with autism), a few elopements, significant sensory *under*sensitivity, hyperlexia, special interests, generally weak social skills and social anxiety/avoidance. No major behavior problem aside from eloping like 2-3 times total in her preschool/K years. In 5th grade she improved a lot socially and has less special interests, so now in 8th I wouldn't say she meets any ASD criteria, though she's still sensory under-sensitive.

My DH never really bought into the autism possibility, and he thinks it was never a thing. I think the massive effort I put into developing her social skills was effective. So of course it irritates me immensely that he reaps the benefit of my efforts and that my successful intervention is, to him, a reason to dismiss the entire problem and tell me that I was wrong all along. It sucks. But DD is okay now so I've had to let it go.

Traditionally autism was a lifetime disabling condition. Now that diagnosis criteria have gotten so loose it’s often closer to a skills deficit than a lifetime disability. You deserve praise for addressing the skills deficit but apparently your husband was right that it wasn’t a lifetime disability

This is OP. I have a huge amount of respect for the PP you responded to. What she achieved with her daughter is extraordinary and is a dream for every parent facing this type of challenge.

However, from the tone of your message, I do not think that you even remotely understand the amount of effort and sacrifice that PP probably had to do on her own in order to raise a functioning child. The outcome does not support your or her DH’s claim that everything was fine to begin with.

I would know because that is exactly what I have been doing for so many years. Reading books, taking courses, everything and anything just to help my DS. It has all probably helped some, but, unfortunately, DS continues to have the same core issues that he had 5 years ago. My career and health are next to destroyed and I am not being a parent and spouse I wish to be while just trying to keep my DS afloat with all the issues that come up at school and home. And then DH says “well, look at all the success - he wouldn’t be able to achieve all that if there really was an issue”. I have another DC and parenting has been a walk in the park with that child.

The issue that I am going to have with an evaluation is going to be with DH going along with any findings as well as explaining it to DS if DH continues to insist there is no problem. But, I suppose I could at least know what type of additional support might be beneficial.

OP you said it yourself - you did all this work and don’t see a fundamental change. It’s a fantasy that autism can be cured with “early intervention.” The PP you are referring to simply has a child who is not and never was clinically autistic.

Pp with the daughter here. Yes, it's unclear whether it would have been significant enough for a proper diagnosis. But we can always look back and second guess things, and where is the line? What is "enough" for a diagnosis? It's easy to copy and paste from the DSM. Harder to know with a specific individual child. I do feel that her social skills are better than they would have been without my efforts.

Sure but hopefully you can understand that there is no curative therapy for kids actually diagnosed with autism. And also how annoying it is to hear you claim that eg because you taught her to what, say please? that you have some special skill as a a parent that those of us with kids on the spectrum don’t have. News flash, actual autism social communication issues are much more than just being awkward about greetings or whatever.

I do not think I have any special skill. Nor am I making any claims about "curative" therapy. I believe that everyone can learn and grow and mature. Including people with autism and people without autism. I hope that you also think that.

The nebulous, imprecise boundaries of the autism diagnostic criteria are not some brick wall that people run into. If someone was just within the criteria and then improved their skills a bit, they could end up on the other side of the "line". That is what may have happened with my DD. Or not. It's hard to say in retrospect.

So basically fake SN. Got it.

No. Borderline, ambiguous SN. But you seem determined to be rigid and discourteous about it.

DP.
I wrote about my undiagnosed but sus teen above. I think i understand what you mean. Some SNs are so subtle that it’s hard to notice them or even indicate them on an eval but we as moms definitely see some struggles our children have and we try to be their behavior coaches and more. Sometimes our efforts coupled with the kid’s own maturing and innate resilience (some ppl are more willing to grow and evolve than others) bring great results.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think I understand what you’re asking. My sister is autistic and adhd. My mom took her to therapist after therapist who taught “life skills” and “executive functioning”. My mom made sure my sister always had cool clothes and shoes to fit in (sounds dumb but my sister has no awareness of things like that and got picked on for still having light up shoes, so my mom fixed that quick). My sister excelled in school, was able to focus and has a STEM masters. At the time, numerous doctors told my parents to not put her on Ritalin as the thought then was that it’s drugging kids.

My sister is mid 20s now and won’t speak to my parents. She is pissed about being forced to “mask “ and is pissed she wasn’t given Ritalin. One of her beefs is that she was taught to look people in the eye while speaking. I think my sister is crazy. Our parents were loving and very involved. I know if she had other parents she would have floundered. My sister isn’t a parent and I think your views change. She’s just a typical genz.

I feel so bad for your poor parents who did so much for your sister and there she is all pissed.
She is an adult now and she can stop masking and start wearing the light up shoes again and see how it goes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, sometimes it's SN and also parenting could improve.

In grades PK4-4th I thought my DD had pretty subtle autism. Her PK4 teacher flagged it (and she was the mother of a girl with autism), a few elopements, significant sensory *under*sensitivity, hyperlexia, special interests, generally weak social skills and social anxiety/avoidance. No major behavior problem aside from eloping like 2-3 times total in her preschool/K years. In 5th grade she improved a lot socially and has less special interests, so now in 8th I wouldn't say she meets any ASD criteria, though she's still sensory under-sensitive.

My DH never really bought into the autism possibility, and he thinks it was never a thing. I think the massive effort I put into developing her social skills was effective. So of course it irritates me immensely that he reaps the benefit of my efforts and that my successful intervention is, to him, a reason to dismiss the entire problem and tell me that I was wrong all along. It sucks. But DD is okay now so I've had to let it go.

New poster to this thread. Could you share what you did to support your DD's social skill development?

Well, my DD is very rules-oriented, and I think knowing social "rules" helps with her social anxiety. So I did a lot of explicit explaining of things like if someone says "Hi" to you, they're expecting that you'll say "hi" back, and if you don't say anything or at least wave/smile then they might think you don't want to play with them. (She was 6 years old for that one) She genuinely did not know that kind of thing, and disagreed with my instructions. I helped her to have sort of a "character card" in her head for each friend, knowing a few key activities, likes and dislikes, so that if she didn't know what to talk about, she could fall back on those items. Basically explaining things very explicitly because she wasn't finding it intuitive. Going over examples in books and TV shows about friendship-- it's best not to critique the kid's behavior too much. DD was socially avoidant and tended to read books rather than interact, so I spoke with the teacher about engaging her more and finding friends that she got along well with. Sometimes I signed her up for "jobs" that were social, such as handing out programs at a concert with me. Helping her get past the anxiety by giving her sort of a script or a role was helpful. She tended to freeze up with new people but then relax as she got to know them. But you know, every kid is different. Obviously having COVID happen during early elementary school was not helpful, those are critical years for social development.

Now that she's in middle school, she still applies certain "rules" but more loosely. For example, she knows that attending a friend's sports game or musical performance is an act of friendship, so she does it when she can. To choose birthday gifts for friends, she'll review pictures of them to determine their preferred color scheme and style of dress. It's really cute to hear her fashion analysis. For herself, she sticks to a color palette system that my mom taught me (basically pick a core neutral such as navy, three favorite colors, and a few second-tier-favorite colors), and her fashion choices are very much the median of her friend group-- no fashion risks! She still dislikes group projects, but that's not unusual IMO.

Mom of the “sus” teen again. Thank you for writing this. My son was similar in that he didn’t “want” to say hi back let alone first, he got mildly awkward when in a big group etc. He is much better now and yes I think it wasn’t bad enough for a diagnosis but that was something that made his life harder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for all the replies.

DH is definitely in the category of “I am just like that and I turned out great” and his MD family and friends agree with him. His definition and solution to all parenting issues is punishment, because that’s what his parents did and he turned out “fine”.

I, on the other hand, have tried many things over the years (DS is in upper elementary). From parenting courses to every parenting strategy I could think off and including pretty strict consequences, but nothing takes away DS’ obvious absent mindedness, inability to control high emotions, social skill struggles and anxiety. DS is smart and kind, but makes social mistakes which are driving all his friends away. He can understand his mistakes after the fact, but not at the moment. DS, himself, says he doesn’t understand why he does certain things when he gets upset, or too excited. Teachers, other parents, even friends complain about all of the same issues that I see.

If there is any additional form of parenting strategy I am ready to try it all. I also know that no one is a perfect parent, so most likely, I did contribute to some of the issues. Anything is possible, but it is so hard to seek outside evaluation when DH and I have such differing opinions. I wonder whether psychologists who do the evaluation help with this and take time to address parent concerns (in our case, both mine and DH’s).
I am having hard time imagining DH being ok if we do an evaluation and come back with any type of diagnosis. I think he believes an evaluation would prove me wrong.

As long as he consents to an eval, who cares. Just do ahead and do it and then you’ll see how things pan out.
My ex would not consent and that’s the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a teen who I think is undiagnosed inattentive adhd, maybe even AuDHD with the Au component being super mild. Teachers have hinted at things at times (is capable of better work! Hard to keep on track!) but the school basically denied any evals as he wasn’t failing. I saw some social challenges but he always had some social interactions “normal” enough to not cause major concerns.

His dad is against the evaluation for all the same tired reasons so I am waiting for him to turn 18 to gently steer him towards getting evaluated. The problem is that since he has a lot of EF supports from me, no one knows he is prone to failing. And I saw my supports as normal parenting (making sure he does hw) but now he is older but still needs help in staying on track with his assignments and it worries me!

Definitely pay for an evaluation when he reaches 18. Say, "it is my gift to you as you set off in your life and choose a career - everyone has strengths and weaknesses and I want you to know yours so that you can work on your weaknesses and play to your strengths."

[Anonymous]

FWIW, I have gotten several neuropyschs without the written consent of my husband. Shop around. Really the only circumstance in which a health professional should require the written consent of both parents is when the clinician knows the parents are divorced and there is a custody order - then they should ask what the custody order says about medical decision making.

If you are married to the kid's bio dad, there should be no requirement to consent both parents - the consent of either is valid.

If you are single and never married your kids dad and there's no written custody order about medical decision making, then you as the mother can provide full consent.

I've taken my DCs to many psychiatry, therapy and assessment appointments and only once have I had a psychiatrist insist that the other parent consent (and participate). The other parent did consent and initially participated, but soon made excuses. The clinician did not continue to mandate his participation -- I think the clinician had seen enough to know what was going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a teen who I think is undiagnosed inattentive adhd, maybe even AuDHD with the Au component being super mild. Teachers have hinted at things at times (is capable of better work! Hard to keep on track!) but the school basically denied any evals as he wasn’t failing. I saw some social challenges but he always had some social interactions “normal” enough to not cause major concerns.

His dad is against the evaluation for all the same tired reasons so I am waiting for him to turn 18 to gently steer him towards getting evaluated. The problem is that since he has a lot of EF supports from me, no one knows he is prone to failing. And I saw my supports as normal parenting (making sure he does hw) but now he is older but still needs help in staying on track with his assignments and it worries me!

Definitely pay for an evaluation when he reaches 18. Say, "it is my gift to you as you set off in your life and choose a career - everyone has strengths and weaknesses and I want you to know yours so that you can work on your weaknesses and play to your strengths."

Thank you, yes, I’ll even schedule it for him lol.
I’ve talked to him about it and said that it’s not because I think there’s anything wrong with him - it’s to know thy self and then what you said