Would you get involved with an alcoholic in recovery?

[Anonymous]

Are you perfect? Have you worked as hard as he has to improve himself? Do you want to be a better person as much he does?

[Anonymous]

I'm with someone in recovery. It is the healthiest and safest relationship I've ever been in. I'm almost 60 and spent all my time up till now trying to understand why the men in my life acted out in weird ways, or trying to convince them that some self-reflection and therapy would be helpful. It's so refreshing to be with someone who is 100% aware of his shit and has a whole community of people and a lifestyle in place to help him stay on track. When we have conflict, he's almost always the first to have reflected on the role he played and how he could have handled things differently. Honestly, he has made me up my game when it comes to emotional intelligence and being vulnerable in order to gain greater intimacy. Another thing - Most of the men in his recovery group are very high achievers, like us. It's not unusual for that drive to be motivated by some really unhealthy history. It's easy to overlook those fault lines when someone looks like a winner from the outside. But that shit comes out eventually. I'm glad that it all came out with my guy while he was married to another woman instead of me. I now get to enjoy the man he became after going through the hell of hitting rock bottom and working his way back out for many years.

[Anonymous]

This is DCUM so of course not, they’re much too good for any of that riff raff!

[Anonymous]

Not a chance. I grew up with an alcoholic parent who was on and off the wagon. Similarly, one of my siblings is an alcoholic and been through treatment several times.

It is an illness that is frequently complemented by depression. I would not partner with someone who is an alcoholic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - I asked this exact same question on DCUM a few months ago about a guy I really cared about who had been sober for a few years.

I ended up decided not to pursue a relationship with him and we remained friends.

A couple weeks ago he relapsed, badly, and it ended with him both using drugs and using sex workers.

I am VERY glad I decided not to date him. I think it is just too risky to date an addict.

Right, because only addicts do these things.

Actually, yes, only addicts use illegal drugs and sex workers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm with someone in recovery. It is the healthiest and safest relationship I've ever been in. I'm almost 60 and spent all my time up till now trying to understand why the men in my life acted out in weird ways, or trying to convince them that some self-reflection and therapy would be helpful. It's so refreshing to be with someone who is 100% aware of his shit and has a whole community of people and a lifestyle in place to help him stay on track. When we have conflict, he's almost always the first to have reflected on the role he played and how he could have handled things differently. Honestly, he has made me up my game when it comes to emotional intelligence and being vulnerable in order to gain greater intimacy. Another thing - Most of the men in his recovery group are very high achievers, like us. It's not unusual for that drive to be motivated by some really unhealthy history. It's easy to overlook those fault lines when someone looks like a winner from the outside. But that shit comes out eventually. I'm glad that it all came out with my guy while he was married to another woman instead of me. I now get to enjoy the man he became after going through the hell of hitting rock bottom and working his way back out for many years.

DITTO! I posted earlier with a similar sentiment and you have said it better than I can. So happy to be in the relationship I’m in now after years with a narcissist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm with someone in recovery. It is the healthiest and safest relationship I've ever been in. I'm almost 60 and spent all my time up till now trying to understand why the men in my life acted out in weird ways, or trying to convince them that some self-reflection and therapy would be helpful. It's so refreshing to be with someone who is 100% aware of his shit and has a whole community of people and a lifestyle in place to help him stay on track. When we have conflict, he's almost always the first to have reflected on the role he played and how he could have handled things differently. Honestly, he has made me up my game when it comes to emotional intelligence and being vulnerable in order to gain greater intimacy. Another thing - Most of the men in his recovery group are very high achievers, like us. It's not unusual for that drive to be motivated by some really unhealthy history. It's easy to overlook those fault lines when someone looks like a winner from the outside. But that shit comes out eventually. I'm glad that it all came out with my guy while he was married to another woman instead of me. I now get to enjoy the man he became after going through the hell of hitting rock bottom and working his way back out for many years.

No offense but you are 60 and your fertile years are behind you as are the stressful years of raising children. OP wants a life partner and doesn’t want to get to someone’s “rock bottom.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - I asked this exact same question on DCUM a few months ago about a guy I really cared about who had been sober for a few years.

I ended up decided not to pursue a relationship with him and we remained friends.

A couple weeks ago he relapsed, badly, and it ended with him both using drugs and using sex workers.

I am VERY glad I decided not to date him. I think it is just too risky to date an addict.

Right, because only addicts do these things.

Actually, yes, only addicts use illegal drugs and sex workers.

Please go tell this to the cannabis users "popping gummies" with their partners.

Also? Alcohol is legal in most places. Legality does not equal safety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm with someone in recovery. It is the healthiest and safest relationship I've ever been in. I'm almost 60 and spent all my time up till now trying to understand why the men in my life acted out in weird ways, or trying to convince them that some self-reflection and therapy would be helpful. It's so refreshing to be with someone who is 100% aware of his shit and has a whole community of people and a lifestyle in place to help him stay on track. When we have conflict, he's almost always the first to have reflected on the role he played and how he could have handled things differently. Honestly, he has made me up my game when it comes to emotional intelligence and being vulnerable in order to gain greater intimacy. Another thing - Most of the men in his recovery group are very high achievers, like us. It's not unusual for that drive to be motivated by some really unhealthy history. It's easy to overlook those fault lines when someone looks like a winner from the outside. But that shit comes out eventually. I'm glad that it all came out with my guy while he was married to another woman instead of me. I now get to enjoy the man he became after going through the hell of hitting rock bottom and working his way back out for many years.

UM WTF? Is this supposed to be inspiring to be OP. and yeah ef his ex and kids he's great now. Just WTF?

[Anonymous]

I think you need to be prepared to walk away if they relapse seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to be prepared to walk away if they relapse seriously.

Okay, but hear me out: Don't you need to be prepared if ANY relationship disintegrates? If your partner cheats, becomes abusive, picks up an addiction you/they weren't aware they had, completely loses their moral compass and/or integrity, etc., you need to have a plan that isn't "waste your life in the spiral of someone else's". Going into a relationship with someone who can tell you "I struggle with _______" is, IMO, a safer bet because at least then you have a sort of map and warning system.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to be prepared to walk away if they relapse seriously.

Okay, but hear me out: Don't you need to be prepared if ANY relationship disintegrates? If your partner cheats, becomes abusive, picks up an addiction you/they weren't aware they had, completely loses their moral compass and/or integrity, etc., you need to have a plan that isn't "waste your life in the spiral of someone else's". Going into a relationship with someone who can tell you "I struggle with _______" is, IMO, a safer bet because at least then you have a sort of map and warning system.

Yes, but being with a relapsed alcoholic is a specific type of disintegration.

[Anonymous]

My DH has been sober for 15+ years. He filled his free time with exercise so is now really fit, too. He also reads voraciously - more than a book a week. He is generous, loyal and loving. He is an excellent partner, because he understands flaws and can forgive them. He has worked hard to become the person he is, and I don’t worry at all about him relapsing at this point. We check in on it occasionally, and he says he doesn’t miss the person he was.

So yeah, I’d date that guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - I asked this exact same question on DCUM a few months ago about a guy I really cared about who had been sober for a few years.

I ended up decided not to pursue a relationship with him and we remained friends.

A couple weeks ago he relapsed, badly, and it ended with him both using drugs and using sex workers.

I am VERY glad I decided not to date him. I think it is just too risky to date an addict.

Right, because only addicts do these things.

Actually, yes, only addicts use illegal drugs and sex workers.

Please go tell this to the cannabis users "popping gummies" with their partners.

Also? Alcohol is legal in most places. Legality does not equal safety.

The guy was paying hookers and doing blow, we’re not talking about a glass of wine or gummies, LOL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - I asked this exact same question on DCUM a few months ago about a guy I really cared about who had been sober for a few years.

I ended up decided not to pursue a relationship with him and we remained friends.

A couple weeks ago he relapsed, badly, and it ended with him both using drugs and using sex workers.

I am VERY glad I decided not to date him. I think it is just too risky to date an addict.

Right, because only addicts do these things.

Actually, yes, only addicts use illegal drugs and sex workers.

Please go tell this to the cannabis users "popping gummies" with their partners.

Also? Alcohol is legal in most places. Legality does not equal safety.

The guy was paying hookers and doing blow, we’re not talking about a glass of wine or gummies, LOL.

Where do you think that behavior starts? You think people start at hookers and blow, just, like, on a Tuesday, for lolz?