How much $$ are the Grooms parents expected to contribute to wedding costs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents paid for college, grad school, weddings, first cars, first homes, etc. I can do the same for my kids so I will.

What if one of your kids doesn't want to go to grad school (or even college), lives someplace where a car is impractical, and never gets married? Do you just give them the money you would have spent?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For all of you who expect your kids to pay for their own weddings: I certainly hope you don't expect for your family to be invited. A wedding is a family event. Expecting the bride and groom to automatically pay for an entire family gathering is chintzy and cheap. Especially when I know most of you fools earn at least double what my family does.

I think I'd be fine not attending social gatherings where you'll be present

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:None of the parents need to pay for the wedding. If they pay, it is out of the goodness of their heart and the weight of their wallet. No child is owned a wedding by their parents.

We are South Asian and our DD married a WASP American. We decided to pay for our DD's multi-day wedding. Groom's family paid for rehearsal as is their custom. Now my DS is marrying from within our own community. We will follow whatever the bride's side decide. We will spend the same amount that we spent on our DD's wedding (350K). Money not spent will revert back to us. For us non-negotiables are -
- Wedding in a comfortable, convenient, secure and appropriate place so our elderly relatives and small children can attend in comfort. No beach or farm house kind of stuff for us. No castles in remote locations.
- All our relatives, friends and their families will be invited. So venue cannot have space restriction. Willing to pay for that.
- Guests are the most important element of the celebration. The food, venue, drinks, DJ - must reflect that.

I love this post.

Weddings, especially destination weddings, have become so selfish and performative. In the bid to have the most instagrammable event, they ignore what a wedding is actually about.

The bolded part is similar to what we tell our young adult kids. We will pay for them to go on a dream honeymoon, if they don't have the kind of wedding that prevents the elderly family from attending or are too expensive/difficult for loved ones to attend, like most destination weddings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have sons and daughters. We have paid for college/grad school and so far wedding for one DD. The groom’s family did not offer to help pay for anything for the wedding, but did host a welcome party. Cost-wise, those two events were not at all comparable, the wedding was more than 10x the cost of the welcome party. We are fine contributing to all kids’ weddings, but we are lucky and can afford it. Our experience cemented for us that we will not treat our sons differently - I did not like that it was assumed we would pay (my DD did not feel entitled to this and was extremely appreciative throughout the process).

I do think in UMC families in the DMV the bride’s family still usually pays for the entire wedding, and all three families I know who hosted in the last year or are currently planning mention $250k as the “number.” Of course, some of these weddings are for 250 or more guests. It’s an absurd amount of money and I find myself hoping these are lasting marriages.

Very few weddings are $250k, even in UMC DMV circles. I don’t believe you.

Indian weddings last a week, and have tons of different gorgeous outfits amd feast after feast

[Anonymous]

The average wedding cost in Bethesda is around $50k. Potomac trends higher at $80k for 200 guests…add in flowers, entertainment et al and let’s say you get to $125k.

It’s safe to say that some weddings cost $250k…but many, many is probably hyperbole.

Source for this information? Of course the average wedding in this area is much less than $250k, but that doesn’t mean that there are not a lot of weddings that are that expensive. Venues like Congressional, Chevy Chase, Belle Haven, Woodmont clubs; or the Hay Adams, Willard, St. Regis hotels; Mellon Auditorium; National Museum for Women in the Arts; Meridian House; Union Station, etc. each host twenty luxury weddings a year. They book more than a year in advance with back-up holds every weekend in the spring and fall. High-end wedding planners in DC consistently estimate all-in costs starting at $1500 per person, and this was two years ago. I think 150-200 weddings a year in the DMV at this price range qualifies as “many,” but I guess that’s subjective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t really care what the traditions or expectations are.

I will happily chip in $10 or $15k for each of my kids, boy and girl. They can spend it on what they like. If the in-laws are super conservative they can say I have paid for the rehearsal dinner or whatever. I don’t really care. It is their wedding, not mine.

That’s not much. Why so little?

“Not much” and “little” are relative terms. $15k is 15 times the GDP per capita of many countries. It is enough for 300 bottles of good whiskey. Or 5,000 roses.

There is a whole industry wanting to separate people from their money for weddings, as with funerals. I don’t particularly want to contribute to that nonsense. We are not religious, nor Indian, nor super wealthy. We have a small family. I guess my feeling is that if you can’t throw a great party for $15k there is something wrong with you. I am happy for people to flush money down the toilet for crazy weddings. I just don’t want to pay for it. I would rather use my money on their education or a down payment, or on vacations with my spouse. If that makes me cheap, then I can live with that. I have had a great life by not trying to keep up with the Joneses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These day most couples pay for their own wedding festivities.

Not in my WASPY family. Parents are still paying for everything. It is a way to "transfer" wealth. It is like helping out with the downpayment for house.

To transfer of wealth to vendors?

[Anonymous]

Parents still pay? Usually its the couple now, maybe with a little bit of help from the parents. I wouldn't expect more than $1000 from parents. They have to retire.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:C'mon. you're an adult. pay for your own wedding.
the custom of parents paying for a wedding is back from the days before they paid $100,000+ for a kid's college education. Now it's on you.

My husband's family nicely paid for the rehearsal dinner. My mom bought my wedding dress. Both were generous. My husband and I saved to pay for our wedding.

Nah. I will happily pay for anything my kids need for their weddings. (I have sons.)

Same. We paid for most of our own wedding and all of the honeymoon. It was mostly my IL's friends and family attending but ILs only paid less than 1/3 of the wedding but 100% of SILs. They wanted an equal say in the arrangements. It left a bad taste in our mouths. We're not putting our kids through that hassle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Very few weddings are $250k, even in UMC DMV circles. I don’t believe you.

I assure you that you are wrong. Since last September I attended (or know bride or groom’s family for) four. My DD is in two in the next year. Many, many weddings in the DMV are $250k or more. Ask any local wedding planner, or stop by any of the local country clubs or luxury hotels.

Honest question: How are parents able to afford to pay $250k for a wedding and still offer a couple hundred thousand for a down payment for a home? (Especially after paying $400k for college). Maybe folks make more money than I realize?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have sons and daughters. We have paid for college/grad school and so far wedding for one DD. The groom’s family did not offer to help pay for anything for the wedding, but did host a welcome party. Cost-wise, those two events were not at all comparable, the wedding was more than 10x the cost of the welcome party. We are fine contributing to all kids’ weddings, but we are lucky and can afford it. Our experience cemented for us that we will not treat our sons differently - I did not like that it was assumed we would pay (my DD did not feel entitled to this and was extremely appreciative throughout the process).

I do think in UMC families in the DMV the bride’s family still usually pays for the entire wedding, and all three families I know who hosted in the last year or are currently planning mention $250k as the “number.” Of course, some of these weddings are for 250 or more guests. It’s an absurd amount of money and I find myself hoping these are lasting marriages.

do you mean specifically white upper middle class families in the DMV? If so, you should specify because you can’t assume about other cultures

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My father told me that the custom dated from when parents paid for sons' to go to college and daughters' to get married. He paid for my college, and I graduated in 1989. He did not pay for a wedding (1998), but he did give us money for a honeymoon trip, just because he's a nice guy.

I have two sons and I have told them that we will not be paying anything for a wedding, I think they're a huge waste of money. (I didn't particularly want one, but it was important to DH's family so they paid for quite a bit of it).

Just because you think they’re a waste of money and come from a cheap and rigid family doesn’t make it a universal truth. We paid for our daughters to go to college and grad school and paid for very nice weddings (one was close to 6 figures) and provided down payments. We don’t regret any of it and consider none of it a waste of money. As for the grooms’ parents, all three were as generous as they could be as well depending on their individual circumstances and we were perfectly happy to accept with whatever they offered.

DCUM is very anti-wedding, which is so odd. I’m assuming it’s because most posters can’t afford to provide their kids good ones so they get defensive and say they’re a waste of money. But they’re not a waste of money if you actually have it.

Because a lot of the weddings are a waste of time, they will end in divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have three daughters and will gladly pay 100 percent for weddings if grooms actually pays for his part.

The Bride family pays 100 percent for wedding, wedding dress.

The Groom and his family pays per custom rehearsal dinner, engagement ring, honeymoon and most importantly provide a proper place for bride to live in after marriage. Meaning he needs his 20 percent down on a house.

My wife's family paid 100 percent wedding. But I paid engagement ring, honeymoon, my Mom paid rehearsal dinner and I saved enough for good downpayment on a little starter home with both our names on title.

That is my expectation. Ask me to pay a wedding for a guy with student loans, plans to moved my daughter into his apartment to pay half his rent and pay off his student loans. No way.

I dont care if coop, small condo, tiny starter home you are starting a marriage the guy needs to have a place he owns for them to live. I am not paying 50K to 60k for a wedding to a deadbeat who could leave the next day and leave my daughte a pile of bills.

Heck I will gladly pay 100K for a wedding. Just buy a two million dollar home in Chevy Chase with a big down payment and put my kids name on title. You need skin in the game too.

I say that as my Grandmother who was dirt dirt poor as piss like could not afford an outhouse and shoes with holes in them her Dad scrapped together every nickle and penny and borrowed and paid for his daughters wedding . She married the oldest son of a Farmer whose Dad had passed away and he inhertied Farm. The wedding was the ticket to his daughter being co-acre of Farm. They actually married for love. But my Grandad paid as he wanted his daugher to have the life he did not have. That was around 105 years ago. And that Farm is till in the Family.

it is todays men who think Dads should pay 100 percent with no skin in game for daughters wedding that is problem.

And does not have to have assets. But ability to earn assets. My Friends Dad a retired NYC cop on a fixed income in a little small house paid 100 percent a big and expensive fancy wedding for daugther. She was very pretty and a 25 year old Nurse. She married a 26 year old guy on Wall Street from Greenwich CT with an MBA just starting out but on right path. By 38 she was a SAHM in a big fancy house with a BMW. Her Dad made an investment. Where are these men today? Todays men are mostly not worth it.

Feel sorry for your daughters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the South Asian poster. We started saving for our own retirement and college for two kids - from our first jobs, before we even got married. It was forced frugality and in some ways, I resented seeing my money go in what seemed like the black hole of savings and investment.

The whole paying for weddings, paying for 1st new sedan, paying for set up of first apartment and first professional wardrobe, helping with downpayment to first real estate purchase etc...this started happening when our savings and investments - compounded. All of these are frosting on the cake. The main investment was only for retirement and state college.

We are South Asians too with a 8-fig net worth, and have much younger kids (boys - 22 and 20). We are paying the usual - private college, setup first apartment, downpayments for car and house. No way am I spending $350K for a wedding though.. Maybe $100K each when the time comes? Not sure..

These people are either trolls or just really rich. I am also South Asian, we're not going to buy all this stuff for our kids, LOL! We'll pay for public college and help with grad school, if needed. We'll help when needed, but an adult should pay for their own apartment, car, etc., just like I did. I think my parents spent $25K on my wedding (not a three day affair because I married a white man), and we'll help pay for a similar wedding when our daughters get married.

You got penalized for marrying a White man. And yes, you are not as rich as many South Asian.

That is gross. The immigrants just use money to control their daughters.

[Anonymous]

Son getting married this fall. We and brides parents each gave them same amount of money. Couple will pay the rest. No one is rich, and they are getting married in NYC where they live.

Also couple 100 percent planning it themselves. I think this scenario is most common now.