My parents both passed this past year and several old supposedly good friends

[Anonymous]

First of all, I'm sorry for your loss.

As others have said... when the elderly pass away, many consider it a reality of life and not a tragedy. I'm assuming because you're posting on the eldercare forum that your parents were elderly. Yes, it does deserve a text/phone call/email. In my experience... if there friend wants more support after I initially reach out, I'm there. Some do, some don't. Everyone is different.

I'm not sure paper cards are really a thing anymore. Flowers seem outdated to me too, not something I've seen much of but maybe I'm wrong.
Food is more of a thing if you actually need food and it's a hassle to get it, like in young kids' example or if you are hosting a large group of relatives and food delivery isn't an option or needs coordination. I have seen food trains when a young parent dies and there are young children in the mix, but not when the "child" is fully an adult.

Also, a lot of people want to respect privacy, and there is a reason for this. When MIL died, one of DH's friends was insistent that we go to dinner. DH wasn't really up for it, but agreed to go. It would have been more sensitive of the friend to have been a little insistent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Haven't read the entire thread, but here in the DMV we and others are all transplants. Some friends we have known for 15+ years and are close.

Neither I or spouse ever told anyone about our out-of-town parents dying...and others have not told us about their own (only learning about some these things years after they happened). None of us are big social media people and would ever post something like this on social media.

All this to say...unless we proactively told someone about a parent dying, absolutely nobody would know.

I'm right there with you. Our parents die because they're old and it's normal. I don't need flowers nor food nor messages. It's a private matter to me.

This. I did appreciate messages, but I certainly don't expect flowers or meals. Meals you do for a widow or when a family with young kids or even teens loses a parent. You also do it if there is financial hardship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Haven't read the entire thread, but here in the DMV we and others are all transplants. Some friends we have known for 15+ years and are close.

Neither I or spouse ever told anyone about our out-of-town parents dying...and others have not told us about their own (only learning about some these things years after they happened). None of us are big social media people and would ever post something like this on social media.

All this to say...unless we proactively told someone about a parent dying, absolutely nobody would know.

I'm right there with you. Our parents die because they're old and it's normal. I don't need flowers nor food nor messages. It's a private matter to me.

This. I did appreciate messages, but I certainly don't expect flowers or meals. Meals you do for a widow or when a family with young kids or even teens loses a parent. You also do it if there is financial hardship.

Meant to add I think also for some of us it is a process that lasts even over a decade of illness, decline, and just complete burnout trying to manage it all. My friends supported me the best they could through all of that so at the end I certainly didn't expect meals or at the end it was such a relief to see there was no more suffering and decline.