My parents both passed this past year and several old supposedly good friends

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am 38 years old. I have no clue why if a friends parent dies, I would send food or flowers. You get a text or phone call but food? Flowers? Just seems odd to me. I would not expect that in return either.

You sound like a peach.

Where were people like PP raised?? How could someone have no clue? Wow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did they do anything? Do they have anything going on right now? I was a very attentive friend until multiple stressors hit my family (dad's illness, husband hospitalized, etc).

It doesn’t take much time to send a card

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - I lost my first parent this year and I have to say that I didn't know it would be so hard. I really appreciated the few actual cards/flowers I got from friends. I think I failed my friends before I was in their shoes.

Actually I've started asking my friends about their parents who died in the last couple of years because it still feels lonely for me. I will go out of my way to be there for friends in the future. I'm not sure I'd drop friends for this because like I said above, I'm sure I've let friends down.

I'm really sorry it's been such a horrendous year.

Why would you think it would be easy?

LOL. That's what you took from my post. I didn't say it would be easy, I said I didn't know it would be so hard. You cannot know what it's like to lose a parent, until you do. That's all I meant. My dad died unexpectedly too, so that's a factor that not everyone is dealing with.

[Anonymous]

I’m one of those people who am the opposite of OP- I’m a private person and when I’ve lost people close to me I’d rather no one acknowledge it, I like to grieve in private. Everyone handles loss differently.

I think OP is projecting her preferences and holding a grudge against her friends who may feel differently than OP about their losses. Not everyone appreciates or needs the same things.

OP I know it’s hard but I think your disappointment is misdirected grief.

[Anonymous]

OP, I lost my last parent on 1/1/24. It’s been a difficult time navigating the holidays and experiencing so many milestones without them. I’ve been in grief therapy and had tremendous success and support.

I just spent Thanksgiving with my local ILs (who knew my parents well, attended their funerals, were included in family events for almost 30 years) who didn’t mention one word to me about my parents or this holiday season being poignant/significant. Nope. Nothing. My ILs instead chose to talk on and on about a funeral they just attended for an acquaintance.

[Anonymous]

That’s why you have your own nuclear family. Even siblings can be a disappointment when it comes to comforting you. My biggest source of support when my parents died were DH and my son.

[Anonymous]

When I lost my brother in 2019 and dad in 2022, my oldest friend didn't show up for me. I was okay with it because they were far away and I didn't expect them to drop everything and come home. But earlier this year, another one of our high school friends that they haven't seen in years had a father pass away. She and a couple other friends dropped everything flew across country to go to that funeral. The high school friend was overcome with emotion. She made a comment to a mutual friend along the lines of "that is what real friends do for each other". It was then that I learned she was not a 'real friend'. I tried to continue on with our yearly girls trip, but I just can't get over her comment and actions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m one of those people who am the opposite of OP- I’m a private person and when I’ve lost people close to me I’d rather no one acknowledge it, I like to grieve in private. Everyone handles loss differently.

I think OP is projecting her preferences and holding a grudge against her friends who may feel differently than OP about their losses. Not everyone appreciates or needs the same things.

OP I know it’s hard but I think your disappointment is misdirected grief. [/quote

Most people with basic manners know to acknowledge a close family members passing with something, even non intrusive. You can mourn privately and someone sending a sympathy card doesn’t interrupt that

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I lost my last parent on 1/1/24. It’s been a difficult time navigating the holidays and experiencing so many milestones without them. I’ve been in grief therapy and had tremendous success and support.

I just spent Thanksgiving with my local ILs (who knew my parents well, attended their funerals, were included in family events for almost 30 years) who didn’t mention one word to me about my parents or this holiday season being poignant/significant. Nope. Nothing. My ILs instead chose to talk on and on about a funeral they just attended for an acquaintance.

I’m so sorry

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I lost my brother in 2019 and dad in 2022, my oldest friend didn't show up for me. I was okay with it because they were far away and I didn't expect them to drop everything and come home. But earlier this year, another one of our high school friends that they haven't seen in years had a father pass away. She and a couple other friends dropped everything flew across country to go to that funeral. The high school friend was overcome with emotion. She made a comment to a mutual friend along the lines of "that is what real friends do for each other". It was then that I learned she was not a 'real friend'. I tried to continue on with our yearly girls trip, but I just can't get over her comment and actions.

Unacceptable

[Anonymous]

I don’t think I got a single card when my mother died, other than one from my team at work. I don’t think it is the norm in our generation. My friends were generally there for me in other ways.

I guess I don’t really find it helpful to come up with lists of how people should behave in my mind and then judge them for not conforming to my imaginary scenarios.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m one of those people who am the opposite of OP- I’m a private person and when I’ve lost people close to me I’d rather no one acknowledge it, I like to grieve in private. Everyone handles loss differently.

I think OP is projecting her preferences and holding a grudge against her friends who may feel differently than OP about their losses. Not everyone appreciates or needs the same things.

OP I know it’s hard but I think your disappointment is misdirected grief.

I am the same way. Let me bring it up when I want to discuss it. But many times when I meet up with people I don’t really want to discuss it.

[Anonymous]

I would not care. If they are your parent's age, they probably have lots of health issues going on. Maybe you should flip your perspective and check up on them, hmmm?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did they do anything? Do they have anything going on right now? I was a very attentive friend until multiple stressors hit my family (dad's illness, husband hospitalized, etc).

It doesn’t take much time to send a card

It sounds like you haven’t been through a really difficult time, if you think sending a card is always easy.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry for your loss.

I think texts (and check ins over text) count. Most of my non local friendships are conducted primarily over text. That may be a micro generational difference. (I’m late 30s.)