My parents both passed this past year and several old supposedly good friends

[Anonymous]

OP, did your parents live locally? I didn’t expect people to travel long distances, but a card and a check in would have been nice. I only send food if the family has a houseful of relatives staying with them.

My sister died earlier this year. She was local and I had many friends check in on me during her 9 month illness and they attended the funeral service which was on a Saturday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did they do anything? Do they have anything going on right now? I was a very attentive friend until multiple stressors hit my family (dad's illness, husband hospitalized, etc).

It doesn’t take much time to send a card

It sounds like you haven’t been through a really difficult time, if you think sending a card is always easy.

You would be very wrong

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like people you think of as "good friends" consider you an acquaintance. Proceed with this knowledge. And I'm so sorry for your loss.

Ack I send cards even for acquaintances

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m one of those people who am the opposite of OP- I’m a private person and when I’ve lost people close to me I’d rather no one acknowledge it, I like to grieve in private. Everyone handles loss differently.

I think OP is projecting her preferences and holding a grudge against her friends who may feel differently than OP about their losses. Not everyone appreciates or needs the same things.

OP I know it’s hard but I think your disappointment is misdirected grief.

Not acknowledging an old friends loss, even in some small way such as with a sympathy card or a modest donation, shows a lack of manners and good breeding and as I get older, I realize how important being raised well is to me. I don’t mean wealthy, but with a fair amount of decency and thoughtfulness for others. It seems our society has devolved into chaos in so many ways, and poor behavior is excused

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like people you think of as "good friends" consider you an acquaintance. Proceed with this knowledge. And I'm so sorry for your loss.

Ack I send cards even for acquaintances

Ditto. It’s just normal good manners. Apparently many people on here weren’t raised with manners

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had to deal first with my father declining health then when he died I have been dealing with my mother having Alzheimer’s for 10 very long years. I am very envious of people whose parents pass away without a long and painful decline.

I just don’t have it in me to say sorry when friends’ parents die because one if the happiest days of my life will be when my mother dies. Sorry to be so callous but that’s the truth.

Seriously, seriously consider therapy. I do not blame you at all if you feel relief when she dies; but not being able to say sorry to others? You need some assistance.

[Anonymous]

My mom died suddenly when I was 16. I learned then that most people fall away, uncomfortable and embarrassed at themselves, if you still show grief or talk too earnestly about the person you lost (especially with tears) must longer than a few weeks after the death. You've got a few weeks, tops, to be a grieving mess, and then people start to fall away.

But there will be a few people who WILL be there for you in your extended grief. These will not be the people you would have expected. But these people are REAL friends and you should hang onto them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom died suddenly when I was 16. I learned then that most people fall away, uncomfortable and embarrassed at themselves, if you still show grief or talk too earnestly about the person you lost (especially with tears) must longer than a few weeks after the death. You've got a few weeks, tops, to be a grieving mess, and then people start to fall away.

But there will be a few people who WILL be there for you in your extended grief. These will not be the people you would have expected. But these people are REAL friends and you should hang onto them.

Very true. But this op is about something simpler than that. Just sending a card or some small acknowledgment of a close family members passing is the right thing to do and shows good breeding, whether or not that person is able to continue to engage with sympathy months later

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think I got a single card when my mother died, other than one from my team at work. I don’t think it is the norm in our generation. My friends were generally there for me in other ways.

I guess I don’t really find it helpful to come up with lists of how people should behave in my mind and then judge them for not conforming to my imaginary scenarios.

It's hard not to control everything. But we can't control how other people should behave and our grief and individual circumstances and preferences certainly warps what we think they should do.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP. People keep raising a^^&&&les.

[Anonymous]

When my FIL died, I reached out to a group of DH's and my closest friends to let them know and to tell them that I knew he'd appreciate condolence messages via text, email, and phone call. As a result he got supported in a way that felt good to him without him having to explicitly ask for it (which he wouldn't have done -- he didn't even tell a lot of friends his dad was sick).

People often need to be told explicitly "this is how you can support me." Especially when your friends are all from different places and backgrounds and may have very different experiences with how they expect grief to be handled. But a lot of people don't feel comfortable asking for that kind of thing. I really recommend designating a spouse, close friend, or adult child to help you in that way if you need it (and they feel comfortable with it).

But I don't recommend getting angry with and then cutting off people for not showing up in the specific way you want them to if you never told them what you needed. Most people want to be helpful but with the death of a parent, what is helpful? It varies by person. I have gone to funeral services for the parents of some friends and for others what they wanted was to be taken to lunch and NOT talk about their deceased parent. It just depends. I try to follow their lead and do my best based on what they commuicate. I am certain I don't always get it right. One reality of grief is that ultimately you carry it alone. No one will ever truly understand your grief or know exactly how to ease it. You have to figure that part out yourself.

Just for some context, my own parents were abusive and neglectful and my grief over their passing is VERY complex -- a lot of my grief is actually over never having had the loving parents I deserved (that all people deserve) and less over the loss of these two specific people. The vast majority of people will never understand that. When my DH or friends talk about losing their parents as though it's a universal experience, I often feel extra isolated because it's not universal for me -- I don't miss my parents the way they miss theirs because I never had the kind of relationship that it would be painful to lose. Yet I still feel intense grief.

All of which is to say -- try to give others the grace you hope they will offer you. Give them guidance if you can and you think it will help. If they don't show up the way you hope, consider that they may understand or experience grief differently than you and may simply not have the resources to support you the way you need right now. That doesn't mean your friendship is meaningless or won't be good for you in other ways down the road. Life is long and this is just one phase of it.

[Anonymous]

I don't know if this will help you at this point OP but I have observed that this is a very good way to both let people know of your loss and invite them to offer some kind of condolence and support:

Set up a condolence web page, either through the funeral home or an online memorial site like Kudoboard. Post your loved ones obituary and/or a note from you or your family explaining why this person was important to you and expressing your loss.

Then email this link to your friends with a simple note like "I wanted to share my dad's obit and memorial with all of you. I know many of you never met him or didn't know him well, but since you are important to me I still want to share his memory with you. Please feel free to leave a note on the website if you are inclined -- it's for anyone, not just family or those who knew him well. I am grateful to have all of you in my life."

This helps people understand what their role is when they don't know the deceased and are unlikely to be attending the funeral or involved in the more formal grieving process. It's a fairly easy way to let people into what is going on with you and to normalize talking about your loss. A lot of people just need permission and instructions. It can be hard to navigate this situation where you want to support your friend but you feel like an interloper and outsider to a grief over a person you don't know. It can feel like a family matter you should stay out of.

People need a doorway into this stuff. There are no longer good cultural scripts to follow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I lost my last parent on 1/1/24. It’s been a difficult time navigating the holidays and experiencing so many milestones without them. I’ve been in grief therapy and had tremendous success and support.

I just spent Thanksgiving with my local ILs (who knew my parents well, attended their funerals, were included in family events for almost 30 years) who didn’t mention one word to me about my parents or this holiday season being poignant/significant. Nope. Nothing. My ILs instead chose to talk on and on about a funeral they just attended for an acquaintance.

They went to your parents’ funeral. Why do they need to do more? You are resentful that they are alive and misdirecting your grief to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m one of those people who am the opposite of OP- I’m a private person and when I’ve lost people close to me I’d rather no one acknowledge it, I like to grieve in private. Everyone handles loss differently.

I think OP is projecting her preferences and holding a grudge against her friends who may feel differently than OP about their losses. Not everyone appreciates or needs the same things.

OP I know it’s hard but I think your disappointment is misdirected grief.

Not acknowledging an old friends loss, even in some small way such as with a sympathy card or a modest donation, shows a lack of manners and good breeding and as I get older, I realize how important being raised well is to me. I don’t mean wealthy, but with a fair amount of decency and thoughtfulness for others. It seems our society has devolved into chaos in so many ways, and poor behavior is excused

I used to think like you but times have changed.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for posting, OP. I'm guessing that I have responded when people lost parents but I'm not really sure if I did or if I did enough. I will keep your post in mind the next time it happens.