DH furious that we texted him during a job interview

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: read your responses and my takeaway:
- Discussion with daughter to not text my husband during the day unless it is an emergency. She rarely texts since she is in school but just was excited about something and so the rare time she does, we'll engage a little bit. It is not like we are texting round the clock.
- Taxes - unfortunate that we always wait for last minute. i felt we were ready to file earlier in the week but DH wanted to review everything one last time and that happened last night. I felt a quick text to resolve should be ok.
- Interview - DH wrote to me not too long ago saying: I hope you don't think this was my fault. So clearly in his mind it was not his fault he didn't turn off his phone. Refusing to take blame is a huge part of our relationship challenges.
- Doctor - DD is in an experimental study and it requires a lot of consent forms. I had arranged with the facility in advance to sign the paperwork remotely today. I have never had issues using docusign or any other e-signature platforms until today. I asked DH if he prefer that I reschedule when all the paperwork was being sent to him but he didn't answer. He just preferred to do it and then tell me FU. At this point I was frazzled and upset about his interview and just wanted to get the paperwork done with.
My DH is a hothead. He withholds info which is why I did not know what time his interview was. In fact - I didn't learn about it till Saturday when he was ironing a white shirt and I asked him if he had a scpecial event coming up. he simply said he has an interview on Monday. That was all he wanted to share. And he can be an ass to ma a lot. He doesn't cuss me out often, but he does twist things to make him blameless in every situation. It happens so much that I just keep my muth shut when he makes a mistake. But it is ok for him to point out when I screw up. yes, we are in therapy. Not it isn't working because he refuses to see that he is part of the problem.

I'm sorry OP. You are dealing with a lot (sounds like DD has health issues too). How he treats you is not OK.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He should have muted his phone.

This.

Duh.

Don’t blame your wife for your cell phone ringing during quiet time. Quiet your phone.

Is he always this forgetful and careless and then angry, blame others? That’s quite immature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: read your responses and my takeaway:
- Discussion with daughter to not text my husband during the day unless it is an emergency. She rarely texts since she is in school but just was excited about something and so the rare time she does, we'll engage a little bit. It is not like we are texting round the clock.
- Taxes - unfortunate that we always wait for last minute. i felt we were ready to file earlier in the week but DH wanted to review everything one last time and that happened last night. I felt a quick text to resolve should be ok.
- Interview - DH wrote to me not too long ago saying: I hope you don't think this was my fault. So clearly in his mind it was not his fault he didn't turn off his phone. Refusing to take blame is a huge part of our relationship challenges.
- Doctor - DD is in an experimental study and it requires a lot of consent forms. I had arranged with the facility in advance to sign the paperwork remotely today. I have never had issues using docusign or any other e-signature platforms until today. I asked DH if he prefer that I reschedule when all the paperwork was being sent to him but he didn't answer. He just preferred to do it and then tell me FU. At this point I was frazzled and upset about his interview and just wanted to get the paperwork done with.
My DH is a hothead. He withholds info which is why I did not know what time his interview was. In fact - I didn't learn about it till Saturday when he was ironing a white shirt and I asked him if he had a scpecial event coming up. he simply said he has an interview on Monday. That was all he wanted to share. And he can be an ass to ma a lot. He doesn't cuss me out often, but he does twist things to make him blameless in every situation. It happens so much that I just keep my muth shut when he makes a mistake. But it is ok for him to point out when I screw up. yes, we are in therapy. Not it isn't working because he refuses to see that he is part of the problem.

I'm sorry OP. You are dealing with a lot (sounds like DD has health issues too). How he treats you is not OK.

My delinquent aspergers spouse is the same way. Last minute, unorganized, never knows what’s going on, lies/omits important information, and then is quick to explode and blame me or the kids.

If he wasn’t such an incompetent parent and homeowner and person in general I would have divorced in 2016.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he knows that you’re the type to text him a million times with insignificant crap through the workday then he should know to permanently have you on silent on his phone every workday. Even without it being an interview!

+1
And honestly OP it does sound like you are one who routinely expects him to drop whatever is going on at his job ti just respond to whatever crises you’ve deemed is more important than what he is doing at work.
You basically admitted that you “forgot” he was doin the interview and that’s a pretty big thing to forget. But even if it’s unusual for you to forget big events like this—it doesn’t sound like it’s unusual for you to text and expect immediate response in absence if something major like an interview he was having that you forgot about.

Why didn’t you assume he was busy with something important at work after one or two texts???

[Anonymous]

So you get paid to do your taxes and make doctor appointments? Is your company hiring?

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry for the challenging relationship you're in. One thing though, instead of thinking and saying "takes the blame," reframe it as "taking responsibility for xyz." He needs to take responsivity for manage his phone. It's not a blame issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: read your responses and my takeaway:
- Discussion with daughter to not text my husband during the day unless it is an emergency. She rarely texts since she is in school but just was excited about something and so the rare time she does, we'll engage a little bit. It is not like we are texting round the clock.
- Taxes - unfortunate that we always wait for last minute. i felt we were ready to file earlier in the week but DH wanted to review everything one last time and that happened last night. I felt a quick text to resolve should be ok.
- Interview - DH wrote to me not too long ago saying: I hope you don't think this was my fault. So clearly in his mind it was not his fault he didn't turn off his phone. Refusing to take blame is a huge part of our relationship challenges.
- Doctor - DD is in an experimental study and it requires a lot of consent forms. I had arranged with the facility in advance to sign the paperwork remotely today. I have never had issues using docusign or any other e-signature platforms until today. I asked DH if he prefer that I reschedule when all the paperwork was being sent to him but he didn't answer. He just preferred to do it and then tell me FU. At this point I was frazzled and upset about his interview and just wanted to get the paperwork done with.
My DH is a hothead. He withholds info which is why I did not know what time his interview was. In fact - I didn't learn about it till Saturday when he was ironing a white shirt and I asked him if he had a scpecial event coming up. he simply said he has an interview on Monday. That was all he wanted to share. And he can be an ass to ma a lot. He doesn't cuss me out often, but he does twist things to make him blameless in every situation. It happens so much that I just keep my muth shut when he makes a mistake. But it is ok for him to point out when I screw up. yes, we are in therapy. Not it isn't working because he refuses to see that he is part of the problem.

So of course all of this paints you in a more favorable light but some of the details here are so messed up as to make me doubt you as a trustworthy narrator.

This would be what you call 'burying the lede'.

Too much here is just strange. To pick just one element, re taxes, yes it is April 15 but you have until midnight on April 17 to do them. If you are just at the point where you need to enter the pin to efile then a few hours makes no difference. Why not just wait until he got home?

And yet yes your husband swearing at you and not knowing how to put his phone on DND is ridiculous. Truly you both sound pretty terrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he knows that you’re the type to text him a million times with insignificant crap through the workday then he should know to permanently have you on silent on his phone every workday. Even without it being an interview!

+1
And honestly OP it does sound like you are one who routinely expects him to drop whatever is going on at his job ti just respond to whatever crises you’ve deemed is more important than what he is doing at work.
You basically admitted that you “forgot” he was doin the interview and that’s a pretty big thing to forget. But even if it’s unusual for you to forget big events like this—it doesn’t sound like it’s unusual for you to text and expect immediate response in absence if something major like an interview he was having that you forgot about.

Why didn’t you assume he was busy with something important at work after one or two texts???

Sounds like he only said he had an interview soon. No date and time. When I have zoom interviews I mute my phone and ask my family for privacy and remind them on the day. Then text when done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: read your responses and my takeaway:
- Discussion with daughter to not text my husband during the day unless it is an emergency. She rarely texts since she is in school but just was excited about something and so the rare time she does, we'll engage a little bit. It is not like we are texting round the clock.
- Taxes - unfortunate that we always wait for last minute. i felt we were ready to file earlier in the week but DH wanted to review everything one last time and that happened last night. I felt a quick text to resolve should be ok.
- Interview - DH wrote to me not too long ago saying: I hope you don't think this was my fault. So clearly in his mind it was not his fault he didn't turn off his phone. Refusing to take blame is a huge part of our relationship challenges.
- Doctor - DD is in an experimental study and it requires a lot of consent forms. I had arranged with the facility in advance to sign the paperwork remotely today. I have never had issues using docusign or any other e-signature platforms until today. I asked DH if he prefer that I reschedule when all the paperwork was being sent to him but he didn't answer. He just preferred to do it and then tell me FU. At this point I was frazzled and upset about his interview and just wanted to get the paperwork done with.
My DH is a hothead. He withholds info which is why I did not know what time his interview was. In fact - I didn't learn about it till Saturday when he was ironing a white shirt and I asked him if he had a scpecial event coming up. he simply said he has an interview on Monday. That was all he wanted to share. And he can be an ass to ma a lot. He doesn't cuss me out often, but he does twist things to make him blameless in every situation. It happens so much that I just keep my muth shut when he makes a mistake. But it is ok for him to point out when I screw up. yes, we are in therapy. Not it isn't working because he refuses to see that he is part of the problem.

I'm sorry OP. You are dealing with a lot (sounds like DD has health issues too). How he treats you is not OK.

+1
And so now I am retracting prior posts that put a lot of the onus on OP.
However—OP, this is called burying the lede.
Your problem is not today.
Today is just a snapshot of ignoring symptomatic behaviors of unaccountability that have culminated in events like today.

The only thing I can maybe excuse is the fact that he didn’t elaborate or tell you much in advance about the interview and that’s bc I could argue that he probably didn’t want to set high expectations and set you up for disappointment if promotion doesn’t happen.
But the failing to take ownership for phone silencing is on him.
And the FU is 100% on him.
Also don’t bring your DD into it at all other than ti demand that he NOT berate her for texting you. That’s so silly and will actually deter her from communicating with either of you so just don’t.

[Anonymous]

Your DH isn’t really mad at “us” —he is mad at you. Sure, DD sent her good news text—but you then proceeded to text back and forth with her and that made his phone ping/ping/ping/ping repeatedly with alerts in a convo he wasn’t even having ….and he thought YOU should have known better than to carry on multiple exchanges with her that pinged his phone during his interview.

He’s wrong on this because he could have avoided ALL pings if he had simply turned off his phone. But he didn’t so now he is pointing out that he would t have had the interruptions if not for you pestering and pinging his phone all day. Both are true. Mbira he is t mad at daughter. He’s mad at you for not shutting it down.

[Anonymous]

Sorry you are dealing with this OP. Sounds like your family had a lot going on at once and it was a matter of bad timing that it happened during his interview.
Yes his reaction is wrong. He should have silenced his phone.
I can imagine this happening to me too. I have a busy job as does my DH but with other responsibilities and kids and the “always immediate” nature of the world today with technology you are being pulled in different directions and he should have understood. I’m sure he was stressed but that’s no reason to take it out on you so if he doesn’t realize that once things calm down then that’s not a good marriage.

[Anonymous]

1. Stop waiting until the final minute to complete something.

2. Just because you text someone never assume they are just available to read and respond. That's narcissism. People are busy, especially at work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: read your responses and my takeaway:
- Discussion with daughter to not text my husband during the day unless it is an emergency. She rarely texts since she is in school but just was excited about something and so the rare time she does, we'll engage a little bit. It is not like we are texting round the clock.
- Taxes - unfortunate that we always wait for last minute. i felt we were ready to file earlier in the week but DH wanted to review everything one last time and that happened last night. I felt a quick text to resolve should be ok.
- Interview - DH wrote to me not too long ago saying: I hope you don't think this was my fault. So clearly in his mind it was not his fault he didn't turn off his phone. Refusing to take blame is a huge part of our relationship challenges.
- Doctor - DD is in an experimental study and it requires a lot of consent forms. I had arranged with the facility in advance to sign the paperwork remotely today. I have never had issues using docusign or any other e-signature platforms until today. I asked DH if he prefer that I reschedule when all the paperwork was being sent to him but he didn't answer. He just preferred to do it and then tell me FU. At this point I was frazzled and upset about his interview and just wanted to get the paperwork done with.
My DH is a hothead. He withholds info which is why I did not know what time his interview was. In fact - I didn't learn about it till Saturday when he was ironing a white shirt and I asked him if he had a scpecial event coming up. he simply said he has an interview on Monday. That was all he wanted to share. And he can be an ass to ma a lot. He doesn't cuss me out often, but he does twist things to make him blameless in every situation. It happens so much that I just keep my muth shut when he makes a mistake. But it is ok for him to point out when I screw up. yes, we are in therapy. Not it isn't working because he refuses to see that he is part of the problem.

So your sole question in the OP was how do you move forward from this. It sounds like you've tried to stop these situations from happening and it isn't working. So you can either
- continue to tip toe around and be a lot more careful about how and when you talk to him or ask him to do things
- decide that you won't tip toe around because no matter how careful you are, something is going to piss him off, so just tell yourself every time it happens "it's not on me, it's not on me" and then shake it off
- bring this situation up in therapy and see it the therapist will help him see the role he played
- leave him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be furious with you as well.

If I'm not answering the first text. STOP FREAKING TEXTING, and for the love of god do not call.

I have my phone on do not disturb, but if you call twice, and are a favorite (husband/teens) it will go through. If it's not an emergency, and to be clear your examples were not, I will call or text back when I can.

I would have texted, STOP F'ING MESSAGING ME, I'M IN AN INTERVIEW/MEETING/etc

+1. I think that’s the default setting on an iPhone—DND has a failsafe for if things are truly an emergency. OP’s double/triple taps were very much not an emergency.

You’re both TAH. Kiss and make up.

Or here’s a thought- he could have left him effing phone in his car/office/locker while he was in this interview. I have managed my entire life to just… not take a potentially disturbing distraction with me to places or events where I do not want to be disturbed or distracted.

This is his fault.

Or maybe he wants to be available for urgent matters in general? To be a responsible spouse and father?
The problem is OP who continued to text him after he indicated that he was at work and not available.

BS. I’m sure his office has other people who work there with phone numbers. Maybe even an admin. He was too incompetent to silence/turn off/leave his phone and he’s blaming his wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did your DH actually text “FU”? I’d divorce someone who talked to me like that. Clearly he doesn’t like you anymore.

To be fair, I don't like the OP either, she's really not likable at all.

You know her from a single post on DCUM. Do you always judge strangers like this? You're the unlikeable one.

We had enough information to dislike her as well as you.