DH furious that we texted him during a job interview

[Anonymous]

Get an accountant. Get your shit to them by midMarch and let them file.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: read your responses and my takeaway:
- Discussion with daughter to not text my husband during the day unless it is an emergency. She rarely texts since she is in school but just was excited about something and so the rare time she does, we'll engage a little bit. It is not like we are texting round the clock.
- Taxes - unfortunate that we always wait for last minute. i felt we were ready to file earlier in the week but DH wanted to review everything one last time and that happened last night. I felt a quick text to resolve should be ok.
- Interview - DH wrote to me not too long ago saying: I hope you don't think this was my fault. So clearly in his mind it was not his fault he didn't turn off his phone. Refusing to take blame is a huge part of our relationship challenges.
- Doctor - DD is in an experimental study and it requires a lot of consent forms. I had arranged with the facility in advance to sign the paperwork remotely today. I have never had issues using docusign or any other e-signature platforms until today. I asked DH if he prefer that I reschedule when all the paperwork was being sent to him but he didn't answer. He just preferred to do it and then tell me FU. At this point I was frazzled and upset about his interview and just wanted to get the paperwork done with.
My DH is a hothead. He withholds info which is why I did not know what time his interview was. In fact - I didn't learn about it till Saturday when he was ironing a white shirt and I asked him if he had a scpecial event coming up. he simply said he has an interview on Monday. That was all he wanted to share. And he can be an ass to ma a lot. He doesn't cuss me out often, but he does twist things to make him blameless in every situation. It happens so much that I just keep my muth shut when he makes a mistake. But it is ok for him to point out when I screw up. yes, we are in therapy. Not it isn't working because he refuses to see that he is part of the problem.

I'm sorry OP. You are dealing with a lot (sounds like DD has health issues too). How he treats you is not OK.

Agree. The much bigger picture OP gave is useful, especially the fact that her DH has a pattern of withholding information that many married couples would have talked about in detail over a long time -- like a potential interview for a possible promotion. Sounds like he is pretty closed off, and it does not sound unusual that he got as angry as he did. And the whole "don't file taxes until I have seen them one last time!" smacks of control issues, possibly.

OP -- you said you're in therapy and it's not working. This whole scenario needs to come up during therapy. So does the fact that he clammed up with you (the person with whom he's supposed to share...his life, right?) about something crucial, like a job interview. You cannot even give him support and encouragement for a change in jobs if you do not know what's going on! Your therapist needs to hear all of this. And also needs to hear that you feel therapy isn't working, and why.

I hope your DD isn't made to feel she should now clam up -- like dad does. That would be an awful lesson for her to end up getting from all this. While you too bear blame in today's problem, OP, he and you both should make it clear to her that she is not to blame, especially as she apparently has texted important news previously. Poor kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get an accountant. Get your shit to them by midMarch and let them file.

not OP, but -- wow, you are late to the party. Useless "help" at this point. And the taxes are not the real issue here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First off, who actually waits to file their taxes until 4/15?

Second, what would the doctor’s office have done if you hadn’t answered your phone? They can’t literally expect you to be able to sign something that exact moment in the middle of the workday. I’d find a new dr if they were that pushy about it and couldn’t wait for a call back.

Third, your DH needs to learn to silence his phone for anything important.

You both are terrible at planning ahead.

This... so many times, this.

[Anonymous]

Wow stop being so needy!!!!!

[Anonymous]

It is definitely his fault for not putting his phone on Do Not Disturb during the interview.

However, goingforward, you and your kids need to have more respect for his work boundaries.

You can send emails to his personal account, Which he can check when appropriate.

Not everything needs immediate attention/justifies a text.

Multiple texts from multiple family members in half a day is excessive,

You need a family meeting to change this habit.

His help should not be needed for so much. Be more independent/mature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:None of this is as important to long term family welfare as him getting a promotion.

Wrong.

Money doesn’t trump all else, with regards to family welfare.

Having your dad say FU to your mom is not a good family environment (regardless of his salary).

[Anonymous]

I don’t think texting is anything to be upset about. He simply could have ignored. DH is a surgeon and I text him all the time. He texts or calls me back after surgery. I don’t understand why your Dh is so mad. And if he was in an interview, he could have simply said excuse me and turn phone off or change settings if he didn’t do it beforehand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your DH isn’t really mad at “us” —he is mad at you. Sure, DD sent her good news text—but you then proceeded to text back and forth with her and that made his phone ping/ping/ping/ping repeatedly with alerts in a convo he wasn’t even having ….and he thought YOU should have known better than to carry on multiple exchanges with her that pinged his phone during his interview.

He’s wrong on this because he could have avoided ALL pings if he had simply turned off his phone. But he didn’t so now he is pointing out that he would t have had the interruptions if not for you pestering and pinging his phone all day. Both are true. Mbira he is t mad at daughter. He’s mad at you for not shutting it down.

So she needs to consider whether her husband is on the text chain and might be annoyed by the pings before she responds to a text from her DD? Talk about walking on eggshells!

[Anonymous]

Sounds like the interview did not go well and he is taking it out on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be furious with you as well.

If I'm not answering the first text. STOP FREAKING TEXTING, and for the love of god do not call.

I have my phone on do not disturb, but if you call twice, and are a favorite (husband/teens) it will go through. If it's not an emergency, and to be clear your examples were not, I will call or text back when I can.

I would have texted, STOP F'ING MESSAGING ME, I'M IN AN INTERVIEW/MEETING/etc

+1

[Anonymous]

You should get a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Holy crap. Who goes into a job interview without muting their phone? It's not your fault that your husband is this dim.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like the interview did not go well and he is taking it out on you.

DP and hadn't thought of this angle. Good catch, PP.

OP, any chance your DH has problems at work he doesn't tell you about? Maybe he's fearful that his current job will be axed or reduced, so he was wound up about this interview even more? You did say that he is not communicative and you didn't even know about the interview at first. I'd wonder if he isn't telling you things you really ought to know, about his job prospects.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have little sympathy for people who don't know how to manage their DND settings. It's the most basic of phone functions and NONE of the texts would have made noise or bothered him.

He's blaming you for the pavlovian response he had to hearing his phone ding 20 times during the interview. We all have this, and it's a good reason to stop using many sound notifications. I look at my phone enough, I almost never need to know the instant the message comes through.

My SIL, instead of using her settings, will send a group text saying something like "BIG MEETING TODAY DO NOT CALL". Um, I am not calling you and also learn to work your phone? It makes her seem 85 years old.

+1000