Raising kids in a competitive UMC community? Would you do it all over again?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you people complaining of the hyper competitiveness just need to move a little further out/into less affluent areas right here in the DC metro. What do you expect if you live in Arlington, McLean, Bethesda, Falls Church, even Vienna? There's a lot of money in those places. If you go just a little further out/less affluent you will still get some competitiveness but it will be mixed with more middle class and down to earth people. You don't have to move out of the area entirely. And also did you not know what you were signing up for when you decided you wanted the nice house very close to a major city? Of course it's a bunch of rich people who value superficial things and look down on others.

+1.

Competition based on cars, clothes and Starbucks (WTF!) does not happen in Rockville, MD.

Weird. Because it 100% happens in Kentlands and Lakelands (Gaithersburg) which is even further out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nobody is forcing anybody to "compete". If you feel you have to compete it is a you problem, not a them problem.

The people I know who have left this area because they wanted to raise their kids in a less competitive environment have seemed insecure to me. Instead of being happy with their home, they wanted bigger, nicer homes for less money. Felt obviously insecure if their snowflake wasn't the best on the team or the smartest in the class.

This

It’s easy to say that to an adult, it’s harder when your kids are older (tween/teen). Let’s face it. Some places in the country have a slower pace of life, and are more relaxed places to live, and some districts are pressure cookers. Telling a teen who is in a pressure cooker environment, where all their friends are focused on creating their own nonprofit for college admin or being in the running for a D1 scholarship, that it’s a “you problem” is much easier said than done. I saw what this type of environment was doing to my kids, and I chose to leave.

By the way, in our move we downsized. We certainly didn’t do it for a “bigger nicer home” (we left that behind) and we are in no way insecure.

We just wanted a different lifestyle. It has its pros and cons, but it was the right move for us, and it absolutely is a less competitive area.

It sounds like we both agree that attitude and values start at home. We live in Bethesda and send our kid to a catholic high school in DC. I know lots of kids in both private and public high schools. Your perception of what it is like to be a kid in these schools is not based in reality. Most kids are not gunning for athletic scholarships and most kids are not starting nonprofits for college admissions. It is very easy to not compete with these types because there really aren't that many of them. You are reading too much DC Urban Mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you people complaining of the hyper competitiveness just need to move a little further out/into less affluent areas right here in the DC metro. What do you expect if you live in Arlington, McLean, Bethesda, Falls Church, even Vienna? There's a lot of money in those places. If you go just a little further out/less affluent you will still get some competitiveness but it will be mixed with more middle class and down to earth people. You don't have to move out of the area entirely. And also did you not know what you were signing up for when you decided you wanted the nice house very close to a major city? Of course it's a bunch of rich people who value superficial things and look down on others.

+1.

Competition based on cars, clothes and Starbucks (WTF!) does not happen in Rockville, MD.

Weird. Because it 100% happens in Kentlands and Lakelands (Gaithersburg) which is even further out.

Kentlands and Lakelands are way wealthier than "Rockville". I have not experienced this with my kids in Bethesda though. My guess is friend group plays an important role in whether your kids care about this stuff.

[Anonymous]

I’m obsessed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nobody is forcing anybody to "compete". If you feel you have to compete it is a you problem, not a them problem.

The people I know who have left this area because they wanted to raise their kids in a less competitive environment have seemed insecure to me. Instead of being happy with their home, they wanted bigger, nicer homes for less money. Felt obviously insecure if their snowflake wasn't the best on the team or the smartest in the class.

Lol, wanting a bigger, nicer home for less money is not a mark of insecurity when two bedroom bungalow with original 60s kitchen and baths IB for okay schools in Silver Spring is running 500-650k. It's just practical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nobody is forcing anybody to "compete". If you feel you have to compete it is a you problem, not a them problem.

The people I know who have left this area because they wanted to raise their kids in a less competitive environment have seemed insecure to me. Instead of being happy with their home, they wanted bigger, nicer homes for less money. Felt obviously insecure if their snowflake wasn't the best on the team or the smartest in the class.

This

It’s easy to say that to an adult, it’s harder when your kids are older (tween/teen). Let’s face it. Some places in the country have a slower pace of life, and are more relaxed places to live, and some districts are pressure cookers. Telling a teen who is in a pressure cooker environment, where all their friends are focused on creating their own nonprofit for college admin or being in the running for a D1 scholarship, that it’s a “you problem” is much easier said than done. I saw what this type of environment was doing to my kids, and I chose to leave.

By the way, in our move we downsized. We certainly didn’t do it for a “bigger nicer home” (we left that behind) and we are in no way insecure.

We just wanted a different lifestyle. It has its pros and cons, but it was the right move for us, and it absolutely is a less competitive area.

It sounds like we both agree that attitude and values start at home. We live in Bethesda and send our kid to a catholic high school in DC. I know lots of kids in both private and public high schools. Your perception of what it is like to be a kid in these schools is not based in reality. Most kids are not gunning for athletic scholarships and most kids are not starting nonprofits for college admissions. It is very easy to not compete with these types because there really aren't that many of them. You are reading too much DC Urban Mom.

Lol you are sending your kid to Gonzaga and avoiding the W school you're zoned for but you think you know what it's like at those schools? Perhaps you are the one reading too much DCUMAD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you people complaining of the hyper competitiveness just need to move a little further out/into less affluent areas right here in the DC metro. What do you expect if you live in Arlington, McLean, Bethesda, Falls Church, even Vienna? There's a lot of money in those places. If you go just a little further out/less affluent you will still get some competitiveness but it will be mixed with more middle class and down to earth people. You don't have to move out of the area entirely. And also did you not know what you were signing up for when you decided you wanted the nice house very close to a major city? Of course it's a bunch of rich people who value superficial things and look down on others.

+1.

Competition based on cars, clothes and Starbucks (WTF!) does not happen in Rockville, MD.

But things like this did happen in Gaithersburg/Rockville/Potomac at Wooton's feeder middle school in the 1980s . I doubt it has gotten better over time as the neighborhood has gone upmarket since my day.

I learned about the importance of living in (the almost so far North you can't call it) Potomac vs. Gaithersburg and Jordache and Calvin Klein jeans within weeks of starting school. Also got picked on and punched in the face during gym class at this "great school". There were cows in the pasture across from my subdivision then. House now worth $860k. I see that my old house has now been absorbed into the fantasy concept of North Potomac. Maybe it got promoted when the cows moved away.

Also learned in 7th grade in MD way too much about the importance of going to Duke. A school I had never heard of (West Coast transplant) and would not hear of again until MBA application time. In 7th grade, I would probably have known of most of the Ivies and some of the 7 Sisters but nobody I knew my age had any specific college plans. Stanford was kind of a regional good school back then. Duke stuck in my head because it was so odd to keep hearing about it. I gather it must have intense brand loyalty similar to the "Roll Tide" crew. Did I mention the cruelty of peer grading? I'll never forget the D+ some classmates gave me in Honors English for a project representing my own life. I laughed it off but I knew that was a pretty shitty thing for one middleschooler to do to another. There were sharper elbows there than any other school I've been to, including college and grad. Maybe middle school is more awkward for baby strivers....

School was way harder coming from a "good" public school in California and the "good" school I moved to in Pennsylvania. Maybe a year ahead.

My guy friends who graduated from BCC and Whitman had similar feedback on their neighborhoods after completing the entire K-12 session. We met at college outside the DMV.

[Anonymous]

A great student would feel and appears just average in a large competitive school while same person would be a star in a small town's average school. If he becomes National Merit scholar, school would have a ceremony, local tv would do an interview and town newspaper would write an article. Not a bug deal in a large competitive school where 20 kids are NMS. Ivies would embrace him even if he is doctor's son and had daily tuition and PSAT prep.

[Anonymous]

Pressure cooker schools are unhealthy even for the most chilled child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A great student would feel and appears just average in a large competitive school while same person would be a star in a small town's average school. If he becomes National Merit scholar, school would have a ceremony, local tv would do an interview and town newspaper would write an article. Not a bug deal in a large competitive school where 20 kids are NMS. Ivies would embrace him even if he is doctor's son and had daily tuition and PSAT prep.

right. but to move to a small town so that your child can stand out is hardly a rejection of competitive culture. it's just a different strategy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nobody is forcing anybody to "compete". If you feel you have to compete it is a you problem, not a them problem.

The people I know who have left this area because they wanted to raise their kids in a less competitive environment have seemed insecure to me. Instead of being happy with their home, they wanted bigger, nicer homes for less money. Felt obviously insecure if their snowflake wasn't the best on the team or the smartest in the class.

This

It’s easy to say that to an adult, it’s harder when your kids are older (tween/teen). Let’s face it. Some places in the country have a slower pace of life, and are more relaxed places to live, and some districts are pressure cookers. Telling a teen who is in a pressure cooker environment, where all their friends are focused on creating their own nonprofit for college admin or being in the running for a D1 scholarship, that it’s a “you problem” is much easier said than done. I saw what this type of environment was doing to my kids, and I chose to leave.

By the way, in our move we downsized. We certainly didn’t do it for a “bigger nicer home” (we left that behind) and we are in no way insecure.

We just wanted a different lifestyle. It has its pros and cons, but it was the right move for us, and it absolutely is a less competitive area.

It sounds like we both agree that attitude and values start at home. We live in Bethesda and send our kid to a catholic high school in DC. I know lots of kids in both private and public high schools. Your perception of what it is like to be a kid in these schools is not based in reality. Most kids are not gunning for athletic scholarships and most kids are not starting nonprofits for college admissions. It is very easy to not compete with these types because there really aren't that many of them. You are reading too much DC Urban Mom.

Huh? I am basing this on my kids’ own perspectives and I have teens in both public and private schools. It’s ok if that’s not your experience but it was ours.

[Anonymous]

Where are y'all moving to that is so chill? Honestly, I have friends/family in UMC places all over the country (Chicago burbs, Seattle, SF, Houston, Indianapolis) and everyone is stressed and competitive and driving hours and hours for travel soccer.

[Anonymous]

I would just pick a less affluent high school. We erroneously thought that affluent = better. Middle class would have been better in hindsight. This is not how normal people live and I hate that’s what my kids are leaning despite how much DH and I try to tell them otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just my 2 cents. But I think it's much better for kids to be raised in less stressful environments.

agreed. it's objectively better for them. I had always suspected this, but reading the book "How to Raise Adults" made me much more sure of it.

I'm trying hard not to raise my kids in a UMC pressure cooker -- so far so good (elementary is Title 1 in the city and they are both thriving). But at every decision point (looking at middle school now), the decision is there and I can feel the pull. trying to resist again.

[Anonymous]

I grew up and still live in an UMC area but it’s in the Midwest so it’s not overly competitive but it does have excellent schools. What it does lack is diversity but I’m not willing to move to deal with that.