Raising kids in a competitive UMC community? Would you do it all over again?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's fine. "Middle class striver" values are hard work, the importance of education and knowledge, and earning a good living. Those are the types of values I want to inculcate in my children.

I agree, but it becomes toxic when the parents view their peer group as ‘competition’, and your children as their child’s ‘competition’. I actually recently dropped someone in our social group, because I couldn’t stand her always judging me for everything - my clothing, my manicure, my vacation home, my house size/price, my decor. Then when it came to my kid - she would constantly make comments about how her kid is better than mine. When I actually witnessed her kid making similar comments to my highly intelligent, shy, high anxiety kid I told the mom my kid needed distance from hers, because it wasn’t healthy for her anxiety. I also took this as an opportunity to distance myself from her. It just grated me like a sharp cheddar. My kids need to always do their best, true. I don’t want them to measure their self-worth by how well they stack up in conventional ways against others. My kids have intrinsic value independent of the ribbon they get in the race, the number of goals they score, or their academic placement on a test/class. Just like I don’t measure how great I am by my fancy home/car/clothes/handbag/whatever status symbol. I really am happier without this family around every corner for me and my kid.

That said, I do like some of the resources living in an area like this brings. Like we do have access to some of the finest museums, schools, medical care, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. I have good friend in the Midwest (average suburb outside a midsized city, so not small town). Her kids’ high school experience seems so much nicer than around here. They have all kinds of activities at school, the kids seem more social and kinder, and there’s no shame in aiming to go to college at some place like Wisconsin or Iowa. Just seems like a much better experience.

This sounds like exactly the kind of experience my kids had at Wilson/Jackson Reed High School. Perhaps all you folks that live in these competitive UMC communities in MD and VA should move to DC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's fine. "Middle class striver" values are hard work, the importance of education and knowledge, and earning a good living. Those are the types of values I want to inculcate in my children.

Interesting. I really dislike/reject the pervasive idea that if my teen isn't decked out head to toe in Lululemon with regular hair highlights and a $50/week Starbucks habit that there is some wrong/lacking in our family. IYKYK.

Yes, I despise this culture and it seems to be ubiquitous in all the DMV affluent areas. So shallow and boring, producing so many vapid and uber-spoiled kids.

+2 my DD claims this is just what all her peers are like. I keep telling her to try to find other friends—there must be some nice, down-to-earth kids somewhere!

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you people complaining of the hyper competitiveness just need to move a little further out/into less affluent areas right here in the DC metro. What do you expect if you live in Arlington, McLean, Bethesda, Falls Church, even Vienna? There's a lot of money in those places. If you go just a little further out/less affluent you will still get some competitiveness but it will be mixed with more middle class and down to earth people. You don't have to move out of the area entirely. And also did you not know what you were signing up for when you decided you wanted the nice house very close to a major city? Of course it's a bunch of rich people who value superficial things and look down on others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you people complaining of the hyper competitiveness just need to move a little further out/into less affluent areas right here in the DC metro. What do you expect if you live in Arlington, McLean, Bethesda, Falls Church, even Vienna? There's a lot of money in those places. If you go just a little further out/less affluent you will still get some competitiveness but it will be mixed with more middle class and down to earth people. You don't have to move out of the area entirely. And also did you not know what you were signing up for when you decided you wanted the nice house very close to a major city? Of course it's a bunch of rich people who value superficial things and look down on others.

I'm one of the complainers and I live in Loudoun. I assure you hyper competitiveness is alive and well here. And we don't even live in a "fancy" part of Loudoun. I cannot even imagine what its like in Creighton Farms or Willowsford.

[Anonymous]

I am doing this now. Strange thing is that we used to live in a more socioeconomically diverse area with a major stressor high school and not much community. Moved to an area with a much more diverse high and fabulous community, but the income levels are much higher (and much less diversity in income).

In general, I’m happy with our choices but my ES DD came home today talking about her friends’ holiday wishlists and my jaw dropped. All fancy skincare products, luxury designer jewelry, and $150 sweatpants. These kids are 10!!!

[Anonymous]

I agree, but it becomes toxic when the parents view their peer group as ‘competition’, and your children as their child’s ‘competition’.

Pulling this out because this hits the nail on the head.

We are moving to a suburb of a large-ish city in the midwest to be closer to my DH's family but also to get out of the DMV because I can't take it anymore. Since COL is so much lower there, we had our literal pick of where to buy -- the equity in our DC combined with savings means we'll be able to buy pretty much anywhere in this city for cash or just taking out a small mortgage (which is how we are affording the job changes that are making this move possible). We've spent the last year looking at neighborhoods and schools, talking to friends and family in the area, doing research, visiting schools, etc. The city has three close in suburbs that are considered by many to have the "best" schools in the area, and this is backed up by test scores and our observations visiting the schools. However there are also several other areas where schools are considered very strong, and then the city itself actually has a lot of very good elementary schools and a collection of magnets that we were really impressed by, even though we decided we'd rather live outside the city itself for lifestyle reasons.

Here's what really leaped out at me, though, as we visited schools and talked to people, but was especially true in the three areas with those "best" schools everyone in the area raves about:

People talk about the schools in a collective way, and the pride people take in these schools reflects the belief that their kids attend great schools supported by a great community, NOT that their individual kids are the best kids. People might brag on their kids a bit but (1) they'll call it out and say something like "if you'll let me brag on my son a bit, he's first chair violinist in the orchestra and the school's music program has really allowed him to flourish" -- so the focus is still on the program and the support it offers, and not on telling me how his kid is a genius, and (2) most people countered bragging with acknowledgements of how their kids might struggle or need help and how the school or community supported them. For instance, I talked to parents whose kids are not very sporty in an area where the schools have great sports teams, and they talked about a program designed to give kids who aren't athletes opportunities to participate in spirit events in other ways so that the focus isn't always just on the athletes.

It was just night and day compared to the way people around here talk about kids. Like something I experience in the DMV all the time is one-upping. I'll say my kid started taking dance classes at a nearby studio, and the parent I'm talking to will inform won't say "oh really, Larla does ballet too, they should talk" or "that's great, we've had such a good experience with dance for Larla -- let me know if you want to chat about it more, as I know a lot of the schools and instructors around here." Instead, she'll tell me "oh at that age Larla had been in ballet for 3 years already, you can't really get into any of the good pre-professional programs starting that late." And people here are like that about EVERYTHING. Their kid is doing more, is better at it, and they know more about it than you ever will. It is exhausting.

Anyway, just pointing out there is another way. I have reached a point where I feel like a lot of people here have the same personality disorder and even though there are normal people sprinkled in, the disorder is contagious. We're getting out while this stuff still strikes us as weird and bad. I hope when we move, people are understanding that we are fleeing a weird place and forgive us if initially we come off as cagey and competitive. I worry we will have some DMV tendencies that won't be welcome in a place with mental healthy, balanced people, so we'll have to stay on top of that!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am doing this now. Strange thing is that we used to live in a more socioeconomically diverse area with a major stressor high school and not much community. Moved to an area with a much more diverse high and fabulous community, but the income levels are much higher (and much less diversity in income).

In general, I’m happy with our choices but my ES DD came home today talking about her friends’ holiday wishlists and my jaw dropped. All fancy skincare products, luxury designer jewelry, and $150 sweatpants. These kids are 10!!!

Yes, it’s ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

I used to think it was a "just this area" thing. But now, because of social media, I think its an "everywhere people have any disposable income" thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I used to think it was a "just this area" thing. But now, because of social media, I think its an "everywhere people have any disposable income" thing.

Maybe. I do think of it as Tik Tok culture. But it’s also parents not instilling good values in their kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I used to think it was a "just this area" thing. But now, because of social media, I think its an "everywhere people have any disposable income" thing.

Yes it exists. But, Other areas are not like here.

[Anonymous]

I live in UMC community. Nobody is competitive here. Parents drive regular Japanese cars, kids stay after school playing with friends. North Face is the most expensive brand one can see and I haven't even seen that for a long time.
Nobody cares because 99 percent of the kids will do well. regardless of the extras they take or crap they own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I used to think it was a "just this area" thing. But now, because of social media, I think its an "everywhere people have any disposable income" thing.

Yes it exists. But, Other areas are not like here.

Really? Because most influencers don't live here or other large cities. So I think its pervasive. If we don't all have a white farmhouse kitchen, we are doing life wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I used to think it was a "just this area" thing. But now, because of social media, I think its an "everywhere people have any disposable income" thing.

Yes it exists. But, Other areas are not like here.

Wut

[Anonymous]

This is like that saying that people give better reviews to restaurants outside of where they live for the same quality shit