Age and Paying for Weddings

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m of the impression my parents paid for most of my wedding at age 29yo because 1) they could, 2) they wanted a say in inviting our huge family 3) they’re parents were not able to pay for their wedding when they were in their early 20s and not quite launched.

It didn’t really occur to me to not have help when they were offering it. In turn, it would make me as a parent assume that I would help out my kids as well. All the same, if they surpass us in income at the time of their weddings, I might reconsider from a practical sense or have the conversation of your gift is the wedding or a downpayment (if we are so lucky to be in the position to offer that, but I have hope that we will be.)

It didn't occur to me to ask my parents to pay for my wedding when I married at 29.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Paying for a wedding is essentially a dowry. Think about it.

No it isn't, as all that money goes to vendors, not to the bride (or groom or whoever). There's no possible return on investment. Which also distinguishes a wedding from paying for college, as that is an investment in the child's future, including their future earning potential.

I cannot believe it's 2023 -- nearly 2024 -- and we are still operating under the silliest of patriarchal assumptions, such as a) women need to marry and b) when they do, their parents must pay for the wedding. Also, no sensible child would want their parents to splash out on a fancy wedding if they have any clue a) how much it costs for eldercare in this country, b) the time value of money, not to mention c) how much it will take to buy a house or put their own kids through college compared to what it used to.

Couples should not get sucked into the wedding industrial complex, and neither should parents.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m of the impression my parents paid for most of my wedding at age 29yo because 1) they could, 2) they wanted a say in inviting our huge family 3) they’re parents were not able to pay for their wedding when they were in their early 20s and not quite launched.

It didn’t really occur to me to not have help when they were offering it. In turn, it would make me as a parent assume that I would help out my kids as well. All the same, if they surpass us in income at the time of their weddings, I might reconsider from a practical sense or have the conversation of your gift is the wedding or a downpayment (if we are so lucky to be in the position to offer that, but I have hope that we will be.)

It didn't occur to me to ask my parents to pay for my wedding when I married at 29.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Paying for a wedding is essentially a dowry. Think about it.

No it isn't, as all that money goes to vendors, not to the bride (or groom or whoever). There's no possible return on investment. Which also distinguishes a wedding from paying for college, as that is an investment in the child's future, including their future earning potential.

I cannot believe it's 2023 -- nearly 2024 -- and we are still operating under the silliest of patriarchal assumptions, such as a) women need to marry and b) when they do, their parents must pay for the wedding. Also, no sensible child would want their parents to splash out on a fancy wedding if they have any clue a) how much it costs for eldercare in this country, b) the time value of money, not to mention c) how much it will take to buy a house or put their own kids through college compared to what it used to.

Couples should not get sucked into the wedding industrial complex, and neither should parents.

+1

+2

It did not occur to DH or I to ask our parents to pay for our wedding in our mid 20's, either. Not to mention, what that money could easily have gone toward, especially if the marrying couple does not yet own a house - or even a condo. DH and I paid for our own small wedding, that we could afford. Neither set of parents owe/d us anything, and to think otherwise would be extremely immature - too immature to get married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Paying for a wedding is essentially a dowry. Think about it.

No it isn't, as all that money goes to vendors, not to the bride (or groom or whoever). There's no possible return on investment. Which also distinguishes a wedding from paying for college, as that is an investment in the child's future, including their future earning potential.

I cannot believe it's 2023 -- nearly 2024 -- and we are still operating under the silliest of patriarchal assumptions, such as a) women need to marry and b) when they do, their parents must pay for the wedding. Also, no sensible child would want their parents to splash out on a fancy wedding if they have any clue a) how much it costs for eldercare in this country, b) the time value of money, not to mention c) how much it will take to buy a house or put their own kids through college compared to what it used to.

Couples should not get sucked into the wedding industrial complex, and neither should parents.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why your kid needs to be punished for *your* age when they get married.

It's only punishment if you view having your wedding paid for as an entitlement. OP - if you can't afford to pay for a wedding in your retirement, then you don't have to. It would be foolish to spend the funds on a wedding.

I agree with you that paying for a wedding is a nice to have. However, go re-read the OP. She hates her child and is obvious about it.

I don’t get that at all from the post. And plenty of people have no intention of paying for weddings - me included and I’m crazy about my kids. I just don’t value weddings enough to commit financial resources to them. My kids are all aware.

How much did your wedding cost?

Why does it matter? A expensive wedding is an indulgence and people are slowly becoming more aware of what a waste of money it is for most people. 10+ years from now, fancy weddings will become rarer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why your kid needs to be punished for *your* age when they get married.

It's only punishment if you view having your wedding paid for as an entitlement. OP - if you can't afford to pay for a wedding in your retirement, then you don't have to. It would be foolish to spend the funds on a wedding.

I agree with you that paying for a wedding is a nice to have. However, go re-read the OP. She hates her child and is obvious about it.

I don’t get that at all from the post. And plenty of people have no intention of paying for weddings - me included and I’m crazy about my kids. I just don’t value weddings enough to commit financial resources to them. My kids are all aware.

How much did your wedding cost?

Why does it matter? A expensive wedding is an indulgence and people are slowly becoming more aware of what a waste of money it is for most people. 10+ years from now, fancy weddings will become rarer.

I wish that were so, but I haven't seen any evidence of it.

[Anonymous]

we are older parents and not wealthy, although doing fine. Our first priority is college--we are hoping both kids go to state schools, but we will see if we can make private work, through a combo of funds and loans, we will see. After that, we hope to be able to give each child 20-30k which they can use as they wish--wedding, deposit on home, etc. I think the biggest gift is probably if we figure out our long term care issues--where will we live, what will we put into place , etc. I dont want my kids burdened emotionally or financially with our care. both DH and I are in this role with our parents (and theirp arents all died young so they never did this)...I do not want my kids in their 30s and40s to be spending their time and money worried about us. So that's probably the best gift you can give a child.

[Anonymous]

OP - if you gave in to the masses you would not have waited to have a child at 45, so why give in now? If you have the money and want to pay then do so. If not, lets hope your children can celebrate within their means, isn't that the mature approach and hopefully how you raised them. I do understand where you are coming from though, social media influences people to think everything is a over the top moment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Paying for a wedding is essentially a dowry. Think about it.

No it isn't, as all that money goes to vendors, not to the bride (or groom or whoever). There's no possible return on investment. Which also distinguishes a wedding from paying for college, as that is an investment in the child's future, including their future earning potential.

I cannot believe it's 2023 -- nearly 2024 -- and we are still operating under the silliest of patriarchal assumptions, such as a) women need to marry and b) when they do, their parents must pay for the wedding. Also, no sensible child would want their parents to splash out on a fancy wedding if they have any clue a) how much it costs for eldercare in this country, b) the time value of money, not to mention c) how much it will take to buy a house or put their own kids through college compared to what it used to.

Couples should not get sucked into the wedding industrial complex, and neither should parents.

+1000

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For us older parents. I had my last kid 45.

If my kid gets married say 32 am I really expected at 77 to pay daughters wedding, throw baby showers and all that normal younger parent stuff.

I mean I will be in 80s when my kid has kids

You chose to have your last kid at 45 and don't want to parent them like you have your other children (presumably) because you will be old? You appear to be very selfish so I'm sure that you'll find a way to prioritize yourself and your needs regardless of whatever societal norms you break in the process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Resenting your kid because you had them at 45 seems like a new one to me

Yes, really. Please don't retire until you've put enough aside to pay for a modest wedding for your daughter. Work an extra six months if you have to. I can't imagine the rejection I would feel if my parents paid for my sisters wedding but not mine.