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Anonymous wrote:Underachiever here - age 43 - 225k as a lawyer at a financial regulator. Did the biglaw thing for 8 years so I guess I made money there, but not the type of money that associates make now and I had no prayer of making partner. Yes I'm plenty Americanized with ivy degrees and all but coming up for partner in 2008 in NYC didn't help - no one was going to stick their neck out for me and my career never recovered. So here I am stuck in government.
you are not an underachiever....
Objectively I get that but it doesn't feel that way when every uncle in town - and to an extent my own parents - are constantly like partner partner partner, you didn't make partner, after all that money your parents spent sending you to the ivys blah blah. They act like the 2008 recession was a personal failing. Sure I guess it was a personal failing to not want to jump to another firm and slog it out for another 5 years to try to make it, but I just didn't have it in me to work the 80-90 hr NYC weeks for that much longer with no guarantees; another thing these uncles - most of whom never worked more than 40.0 hours a day in their lives in engineering do not understand. (I do understand that many many Indian immigrants slogged out much much longer hours, but the ones judging me were all in engineering and all had the 40 hours and I'm checked out by 5 pm lives.)
You need to live your life per what pleases you. Tell your uncles, parents they are no longer in the “old country” where you’re never good enough as a person if you don’t excel professionally. Life really is very temporary, a game of sorts and sadly the legacy Indian culture is blind to this fact. Refreshingly with newer generations, I’m seeing Indian kids become teachers, journalists, firemen, cops, chefs, etc. The fear factor decreases with each generation.
+1000. I frankly wouldn't even tell them anything bc you can't teach a 70 or 80 year old who isn't willing to learn. Just ignore, live your life, enjoy your great salary and benefits while NOT working 90 hours/week.
B
ut listen sometimes about how unhappy some of these 70-80+ year olds in our community really are. They never lived their own lives - it was all about what THEIR mommies and daddies wanted them to do and then they turned around and hovered over their own kids for the next 30 years. I mean it's sad that an entire generation of elders lived life out of obligation, to impress the Patels or the Khans or whomever, and really don't even know themselves, their own likes/dislikes, don't have any hobbies besides counting money - their own and everyone else's. And now all they can do is sit around and gossip about you - because the only way to feel better is to put someone else down.
I'm super proud of our younger generations - the kids who are currently in their 20s. Their 50 year old parents have backed off to an extent - and if they haven't - these 21 year olds have no problem telling mom and dad to shove it, as they get jobs in urban planning, speech therapy, and whatever else they want to do. Sorry auntie and uncle, not everyone dreams of being an engineer, dr, or lawyer.
I completely agree. I have a lot of sympathy because they had to sacrifice everything and never got to live out their own personal dreams, especially the women. So they transport their unfulfilled ambitions on their children and grandchildren. Moreover they are guilty of wanting to impress friends and neighbors with their kids’ accomplishments. Unfortunately, our parents information about work, college and everything else is so outdated and completely wrong. So it just leads to debates IMO.
I have sympathy in a way and then I don't. I get it - tons of sacrifice, providing for the kids, the women were never allowed to have dreams, frankly the men weren't either bc they were living out whatever lives their parents wanted for them. But some of these people are in their 70s-80s now, meaning their own Indian-American kids launched some 20+ years ago. If they could back off of hovering over their kids' and grandkids' lives and still being soooo concerned with what auntie so and so will think of where their grandson is going to college, they could LIVE NOW. Sure no one can turn back the hands of time and pursue a dream profession that you would have pursued at age 25. But you can have hobbies, travel, write, hike, whatever you want; lots of these people have serious money too - so it's not like financially strapped retirees.
But nope instead they'd rather sit in judgment of everyone and debate issues of work, school, which are COMPLETELY different now than they were in 1985. If I have to debate ONE more time with my parents that hybrid work is not going to last and everyone is going back to the office just like they were in 1998, I will scream. First off they've been retired for decades so they don't get what work is like now. Second off - uh hybrid has lasted on the east coast for 3.5 years + the millennials/Zs have NO fears walking away from a job - even a prestige job if it doesn't give them the LIFE they want. My parents want to debate over and over and over again that absolutely NO ONE would ever leave Goldman Sachs or Skadden ever so of course they'll go back to the office and jump on the employer's command. Sure some % would never leave Goldman or Skadden, but there's another % that HAS left because they've decided they want to do other things, live a different way that they'll enjoy more. Unthinkable.
I’m laughing because my husband and I can completely relate!
Totally -- PP was spot-on.
I suppose by most East Asian standards, I'm a failure. I graduated from an HYPS majoring in "useless liberal arts subjects" (English and Psych), and immediately matriculated to another Ivy for law school.
I was instantly horrified when I got to law school and dropped out after 1L. My parents were horrified, disgusted, frustrated, angry, and beyond disappointed -- we didn't talk to each other for about a year and a half after that. And when we did start talking again, it was for very brief, shallow conversations for most of my 20s.
They were horrified and disappointed that they couldn't brag to their friends and family from our East Asian country anymore that I was no longer an Ivy-educated law student. I spent a few years in my 20s after that as an outdoor educator (similar to being an Outward Bound instructor), which is basically unheard of for East Asians. I was the only Asian woman in most of these outdoorsy workplaces.
It all worked out though -- the soft skills I gained from that job led me to gain admission to a fully-funded PhD program, and I'm currently a clinical psychologist making around ~$300k/year. Ironically, many of my patients are 2nd-gen Asian Americans who sought me out specifically because there's a shortage of Asian psychologists.
There is a lot of pain, grief, and dysfunction underneath the seemingly functional and wealthy facades. Many high-achieving 2nd-gen Asian-Americans have a very poor sense of self, and PP is accurate that they have very little clue about their own likes/dislikes and own preferences. Marriages and interpersonal relationships are often strained because lots of tiger cubs aren't able to generously offer intimacy in relationships (although rarely do they divorce -- that's a big no no in the culture).
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