"Your spouse should handle the ILs" Why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because if my SIL ever says anything to my mom, she'll immediately start whining to all the relatives how it's really her (SIL's) idea, and her poor boy has to deal with that.

If my brother talks to my mom, that nips it in the bud, right there.

This is DHs cousin’s wife. The family talks so negatively about her because she has no issue talking to her ILs directly and they’ve built her up to be some kind of controlling horrible person. Cousin is an only child so he can do no wrong and anything they don’t agree with is all her fault. I stand up for her every time because she is a genuine and sweet person but seeing what she goes through has pushed me towards not having any difficult convos with my ILs.

Yep my parents do this with my husband. They think he's controlling with food because he doesn't want the kids to have unlimited desserts or soda (for preschoolers). I handle all comms and keep telling them it's our joint decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because if my SIL ever says anything to my mom, she'll immediately start whining to all the relatives how it's really her (SIL's) idea, and her poor boy has to deal with that.

If my brother talks to my mom, that nips it in the bud, right there.

This is DHs cousin’s wife. The family talks so negatively about her because she has no issue talking to her ILs directly and they’ve built her up to be some kind of controlling horrible person. Cousin is an only child so he can do no wrong and anything they don’t agree with is all her fault. I stand up for her every time because she is a genuine and sweet person but seeing what she goes through has pushed me towards not having any difficult convos with my ILs.

My DH was the textbook middle child and his entire family got used to him not having an opinion on family plans and things. So once I entered the picture, and especially once we had kids, it was a huge adjustment for everyone that all of a sudden our little wing of the extended family had an opinion. And no SIL (eldest child) was not just going to get her way on everything. There were definitely some growing pains but we've been married 20 years and everyone adjusted a long time ago.

[Anonymous]

Because we have two sets of long distance grandparents and it’s unfair to me, I also work full time, to be expected to manage the logistics of both sets. He would never ever manage getting my parents birthday cards/presents and I don’t have the capacity to do so for his and mine. Just one example. If either he or I need specific help with something for our side of grandparents, we would of course ask the other, but just expecting me to arrange to get your parents to and from the import when I already have to do that for mine is too much burden on me.

I already do 99% of kid logistics and I’m barely holding it together.

[Anonymous]

Because it is your spouse’s family of origin, not yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you expect your husband to negotiate plans and tell your family when you will and will not visit. And your husband also plans food to make and gifts to buy for your family while you just sit back and chill? .

OP here. Not sure what you are trying to say, but.....no. Never said anything like that.

Then get out of the dark ages.

What do you mean?

Np.
I assume all the PPs saying the flipped examples are highlighting your misogynistic gender-first approach and to communicating with Inlaws. Where mommy and wifey do everything for everyone. And barely get a thank you.

So me questioning why some people seem to be saying that one spouse should never deal with the inlaws translates into me saying that I believe the woman in the relationship should always be the one to handle everything with the inlaws?

It is misogynistic, for example, for me to talk directly to my MIL when she has done or said something regarding my kids?

Is this Op again? Still trying to argue with people, whilst speaking in extremes again?

Your original question has been fully answered, and quite consistently.

If your MiL does something you don’t like or approve of, with your kids, you AND you husband need to speak up. First whomever is around right then and there, second by the bloodkin. United front. Consistent. He knows his mother. All the stuff posters already explained to you.

No, not trying to argue, asking a question.
And what is the speaking in extreme that I am doing? Can you point it out?

What I see:
I asked a question to understand perspective.
Somebody responded assuming/asking that my own husband does everything for my family while I "sit back and chill"
I said no and didn't understand the assumption.
I was told to "get out of the dark ages"
I asked what that meant
I was told I had a "misogynistic gender-first approach and to communicating with Inlaws. Where mommy and wifey do everything for everyone"
I asked what was misogynistic about the question and offered an example of a (not at all extreme situation"

And I'm the one that is arguing? The person/persons in this exchange were the combative insulting ones, no?

Your questions have been answered, repeatedly. Why are you so intellectually rigid? Do you often struggle to read social cues?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you expect your husband to negotiate plans and tell your family when you will and will not visit. And your husband also plans food to make and gifts to buy for your family while you just sit back and chill? .

OP here. Not sure what you are trying to say, but.....no. Never said anything like that.

Then get out of the dark ages.

What do you mean?

Np.
I assume all the PPs saying the flipped examples are highlighting your misogynistic gender-first approach and to communicating with Inlaws. Where mommy and wifey do everything for everyone. And barely get a thank you.

So me questioning why some people seem to be saying that one spouse should never deal with the inlaws translates into me saying that I believe the woman in the relationship should always be the one to handle everything with the inlaws?

It is misogynistic, for example, for me to talk directly to my MIL when she has done or said something regarding my kids?

Is this Op again? Still trying to argue with people, whilst speaking in extremes again?

Your original question has been fully answered, and quite consistently.

If your MiL does something you don’t like or approve of, with your kids, you AND you husband need to speak up. First whomever is around right then and there, second by the bloodkin. United front. Consistent. He knows his mother. All the stuff posters already explained to you.

No, not trying to argue, asking a question.
And what is the speaking in extreme that I am doing? Can you point it out?

What I see:
I asked a question to understand perspective.
Somebody responded assuming/asking that my own husband does everything for my family while I "sit back and chill"
I said no and didn't understand the assumption.
I was told to "get out of the dark ages"
I asked what that meant
I was told I had a "misogynistic gender-first approach and to communicating with Inlaws. Where mommy and wifey do everything for everyone"
I asked what was misogynistic about the question and offered an example of a (not at all extreme situation"

And I'm the one that is arguing? The person/persons in this exchange were the combative insulting ones, no?

Your questions have been answered, repeatedly. Why are you so intellectually rigid? Do you often struggle to read social cues?

They have, and I have found some of the answers helpful. I have new questions about why certain posters feel the need to characterize/insult/make sweeping generalizations about other posters. I'm curious about that too. But I'll save it for another post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because we have two sets of long distance grandparents and it’s unfair to me, I also work full time, to be expected to manage the logistics of both sets. He would never ever manage getting my parents birthday cards/presents and I don’t have the capacity to do so for his and mine. Just one example. If either he or I need specific help with something for our side of grandparents, we would of course ask the other, but just expecting me to arrange to get your parents to and from the import when I already have to do that for mine is too much burden on me.

I already do 99% of kid logistics and I’m barely holding it together.

Why did you marry such a dolt?

[Anonymous]

Because it works

[Anonymous]

I like my ILs, but they have 1940s expectations of gender roles. No thanks.

I’m happy to talk, talk on the phone, email or text them when it is pleasant conversation like birthday greetings, inquiring how they are feeling during an illness, thanking them for sending a gift, etc.

When they try to talk to me and only me about vacations, holidays, menus, visit length, etc., I loop DH in and exit the conversation. Even though it has been made clear to them—by both me directly and DH/me jointly—that DH is their point person for logistics, planning, etc., they try to make it me and only me, because they think that is “women’s work.” Nope!

They’ve even tried to talk to ME about their desire for my husband to call them more. I just stood there, bemused, and FIL said, “Yes, we’ve asked him to call more, but, well, you’re the wife so he’ll listen to you if you tell him to.” And I said, “No, I’m not Brian’s secretary. He has your phone number. If you want to talk to the son you raised, give him a call. If you want him to call you more often, ask him.” And then I walked away and refuse to engage in any sort of conversation like that. Now, I just say, “Hey Brian, your dad wants to talk to you.” And off I go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I like my ILs, but they have 1940s expectations of gender roles. No thanks.

I’m happy to talk, talk on the phone, email or text them when it is pleasant conversation like birthday greetings, inquiring how they are feeling during an illness, thanking them for sending a gift, etc.

When they try to talk to me and only me about vacations, holidays, menus, visit length, etc., I loop DH in and exit the conversation. Even though it has been made clear to them—by both me directly and DH/me jointly—that DH is their point person for logistics, planning, etc., they try to make it me and only me, because they think that is “women’s work.” Nope!

They’ve even tried to talk to ME about their desire for my husband to call them more. I just stood there, bemused, and FIL said, “Yes, we’ve asked him to call more, but, well, you’re the wife so he’ll listen to you if you tell him to.” And I said, “No, I’m not Brian’s secretary. He has your phone number. If you want to talk to the son you raised, give him a call. If you want him to call you more often, ask him.” And then I walked away and refuse to engage in any sort of conversation like that. Now, I just say, “Hey Brian, your dad wants to talk to you.” And off I go.

There is having spouses run communications with their own parents, and there is being rude. This is rude and hostile.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like my ILs, but they have 1940s expectations of gender roles. No thanks.

I’m happy to talk, talk on the phone, email or text them when it is pleasant conversation like birthday greetings, inquiring how they are feeling during an illness, thanking them for sending a gift, etc.

When they try to talk to me and only me about vacations, holidays, menus, visit length, etc., I loop DH in and exit the conversation. Even though it has been made clear to them—by both me directly and DH/me jointly—that DH is their point person for logistics, planning, etc., they try to make it me and only me, because they think that is “women’s work.” Nope!

They’ve even tried to talk to ME about their desire for my husband to call them more. I just stood there, bemused, and FIL said, “Yes, we’ve asked him to call more, but, well, you’re the wife so he’ll listen to you if you tell him to.” And I said, “No, I’m not Brian’s secretary. He has your phone number. If you want to talk to the son you raised, give him a call. If you want him to call you more often, ask him.” And then I walked away and refuse to engage in any sort of conversation like that. Now, I just say, “Hey Brian, your dad wants to talk to you.” And off I go.

There is having spouses run communications with their own parents, and there is being rude. This is rude and hostile.

Nope, I didn’t start there, but I got there after decades of this nonsensical and antiquated expectation and treatment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you expect your husband to negotiate plans and tell your family when you will and will not visit. And your husband also plans food to make and gifts to buy for your family while you just sit back and chill? .

OP here. Not sure what you are trying to say, but.....no. Never said anything like that.

Then get out of the dark ages.

What do you mean?

Np.
I assume all the PPs saying the flipped examples are highlighting your misogynistic gender-first approach and to communicating with Inlaws. Where mommy and wifey do everything for everyone. And barely get a thank you.

So me questioning why some people seem to be saying that one spouse should never deal with the inlaws translates into me saying that I believe the woman in the relationship should always be the one to handle everything with the inlaws?

It is misogynistic, for example, for me to talk directly to my MIL when she has done or said something regarding my kids?

Is this Op again? Still trying to argue with people, whilst speaking in extremes again?

Your original question has been fully answered, and quite consistently.

If your MiL does something you don’t like or approve of, with your kids, you AND you husband need to speak up. First whomever is around right then and there, second by the bloodkin. United front. Consistent. He knows his mother. All the stuff posters already explained to you.

No, not trying to argue, asking a question.
And what is the speaking in extreme that I am doing? Can you point it out?

What I see:
I asked a question to understand perspective.
Somebody responded assuming/asking that my own husband does everything for my family while I "sit back and chill"
I said no and didn't understand the assumption.
I was told to "get out of the dark ages"
I asked what that meant
I was told I had a "misogynistic gender-first approach and to communicating with Inlaws. Where mommy and wifey do everything for everyone"
I asked what was misogynistic about the question and offered an example of a (not at all extreme situation"

And I'm the one that is arguing? The person/persons in this exchange were the combative insulting ones, no?

Lol.

If this is your PITA communication style Op, we can see why yours having so many issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because we have two sets of long distance grandparents and it’s unfair to me, I also work full time, to be expected to manage the logistics of both sets. He would never ever manage getting my parents birthday cards/presents and I don’t have the capacity to do so for his and mine. Just one example. If either he or I need specific help with something for our side of grandparents, we would of course ask the other, but just expecting me to arrange to get your parents to and from the import when I already have to do that for mine is too much burden on me.

I already do 99% of kid logistics and I’m barely holding it together.

Same.

[Anonymous]

It’s going to completely depend on the dynamics. My DH just ends up arguing with his mother so I prefer to communicate with her on some things. It goes much smoother. She doesn’t get under my skin as much and I have accurate information to give her (if we are coordinating or making plans).

I have no problems being firm with her if needed.

[Anonymous]

This has been taken to an extreme in my husband's family. Believe it or not I don't even have my MIL's cell number. All communication goes through my husband at her choice.
I texted SIL inviting her to our son's birthday and got no response. The night before she texted my husband and asked if she should bring a dish. His response: "How should I know? Ask J, she's the one planning the party." She didn't ask.
It isn't even that they dislike me, it's just extreme insularity. They are very quiet/cold people and don't socialize outside the family...and I guess I'll never be family.