"Your spouse should handle the ILs" Why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This has been taken to an extreme in my husband's family. Believe it or not I don't even have my MIL's cell number. All communication goes through my husband at her choice.
I texted SIL inviting her to our son's birthday and got no response. The night before she texted my husband and asked if she should bring a dish. His response: "How should I know? Ask J, she's the one planning the party." She didn't ask.
It isn't even that they dislike me, it's just extreme insularity. They are very quiet/cold people and don't socialize outside the family...and I guess I'll never be family.

Sounds more chronic like they are all on the spectrum if they don’t socialize ever.
Or can’t handle asking the family party host to hat dish to bring.

Don’t take it personally, and be sure to socialize with normal people more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you expect your husband to negotiate plans and tell your family when you will and will not visit. And your husband also plans food to make and gifts to buy for your family while you just sit back and chill? .

Funny that you expect the wife to do this and make it sound like abuse if dear old hubby is doing this work.

You are ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for these responses. I see three general reasons:

1. Distribution of labor (always)- split interactions with parents on logistics things as a way to even out the work between the couple
2. No relationships (always)- somebody has already decided they don't like/enjoy interacting with the IL, so they don't.
3. Protecting Relationships (sometimes)- if it is a particularly sticky or sensitive issue, the ILs child having the conversation is less likely to damage relationships in the long term

Helpful.

I think the HUGE piece that's missing is the societal expectation that women will manage family relationships. It's not that "your spouse should handle the ILs". It's that mothers are expected to handle both their own family AND their husband's family in terms of such tasks as holidays, gift-giving, catering foods for get-togethers, and so on. There's a literature on "kin work" which is the labor required to maintain these kin ties, and how historically it's been an invisible part of the expected labor of women.

For me, this has never been about liking or disliking my in-laws. They are lovely. But I'm not automatically taking on the responsibility of writing them thank-you gifts for my kid's Christmas gifts just because I'm the female partner in my relationship.

Women are better at this stuff. We just are. Families on both sides will be happier if you just maintain those kin ties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for these responses. I see three general reasons:

1. Distribution of labor (always)- split interactions with parents on logistics things as a way to even out the work between the couple
2. No relationships (always)- somebody has already decided they don't like/enjoy interacting with the IL, so they don't.
3. Protecting Relationships (sometimes)- if it is a particularly sticky or sensitive issue, the ILs child having the conversation is less likely to damage relationships in the long term

Helpful.

I think the HUGE piece that's missing is the societal expectation that women will manage family relationships. It's not that "your spouse should handle the ILs". It's that mothers are expected to handle both their own family AND their husband's family in terms of such tasks as holidays, gift-giving, catering foods for get-togethers, and so on. There's a literature on "kin work" which is the labor required to maintain these kin ties, and how historically it's been an invisible part of the expected labor of women.

For me, this has never been about liking or disliking my in-laws. They are lovely. But I'm not automatically taking on the responsibility of writing them thank-you gifts for my kid's Christmas gifts just because I'm the female partner in my relationship.

Women are better at this stuff. We just are. Families on both sides will be happier if you just maintain those kin ties.

Awww, sorry you got a dud. My husband has a phone, a calendar, and is good at staying in touch with his family, vacation logistics, holiday planning and execution, hosting, remembering birthdays, etc.

We don’t consider family to be “this stuff,” we consider it a priority and a privilege.

It’s funny how men can somehow run businesses, be government officials, fly planes, and run huge events like global conferences, but somehow they’re not able to send flowers on Mother’s Day to their own mom? Huh. What an interesting worldview you choose to have, and what interesting expectations you choose to have for your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for these responses. I see three general reasons:

1. Distribution of labor (always)- split interactions with parents on logistics things as a way to even out the work between the couple
2. No relationships (always)- somebody has already decided they don't like/enjoy interacting with the IL, so they don't.
3. Protecting Relationships (sometimes)- if it is a particularly sticky or sensitive issue, the ILs child having the conversation is less likely to damage relationships in the long term

Helpful.

I think the HUGE piece that's missing is the societal expectation that women will manage family relationships. It's not that "your spouse should handle the ILs". It's that mothers are expected to handle both their own family AND their husband's family in terms of such tasks as holidays, gift-giving, catering foods for get-togethers, and so on. There's a literature on "kin work" which is the labor required to maintain these kin ties, and how historically it's been an invisible part of the expected labor of women.

For me, this has never been about liking or disliking my in-laws. They are lovely. But I'm not automatically taking on the responsibility of writing them thank-you gifts for my kid's Christmas gifts just because I'm the female partner in my relationship.

Women are better at this stuff. We just are. Families on both sides will be happier if you just maintain those kin ties.

Women are better because we learned how to be, and families will be happier if someone skilled is doing this work. I, however, don't want to do the work. So the families will be less happy, but I will be happier.

My spouse does this work because I have never done it for him, and my son will learn that it is also his responsibility to do this work. His future wife will be happier, too!

[Anonymous]

Because otherwise men just skate around avoiding doing ANY of the emotional or logistical planning/maintenance. Men need to learn how to manage relationships too.

Also, if it were up to me, we'd never see my MIL because I can't stand her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for these responses. I see three general reasons:

1. Distribution of labor (always)- split interactions with parents on logistics things as a way to even out the work between the couple
2. No relationships (always)- somebody has already decided they don't like/enjoy interacting with the IL, so they don't.
3. Protecting Relationships (sometimes)- if it is a particularly sticky or sensitive issue, the ILs child having the conversation is less likely to damage relationships in the long term

Helpful.

I think the HUGE piece that's missing is the societal expectation that women will manage family relationships. It's not that "your spouse should handle the ILs". It's that mothers are expected to handle both their own family AND their husband's family in terms of such tasks as holidays, gift-giving, catering foods for get-togethers, and so on. There's a literature on "kin work" which is the labor required to maintain these kin ties, and how historically it's been an invisible part of the expected labor of women.

For me, this has never been about liking or disliking my in-laws. They are lovely. But I'm not automatically taking on the responsibility of writing them thank-you gifts for my kid's Christmas gifts just because I'm the female partner in my relationship.

Women are better at this stuff. We just are. Families on both sides will be happier if you just maintain those kin ties.

I am training my sons to be better at this stuff. If your son sucks at keeping in touch, that's on the parent. Not on his wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for these responses. I see three general reasons:

1. Distribution of labor (always)- split interactions with parents on logistics things as a way to even out the work between the couple
2. No relationships (always)- somebody has already decided they don't like/enjoy interacting with the IL, so they don't.
3. Protecting Relationships (sometimes)- if it is a particularly sticky or sensitive issue, the ILs child having the conversation is less likely to damage relationships in the long term

Helpful.

I think the HUGE piece that's missing is the societal expectation that women will manage family relationships. It's not that "your spouse should handle the ILs". It's that mothers are expected to handle both their own family AND their husband's family in terms of such tasks as holidays, gift-giving, catering foods for get-togethers, and so on. There's a literature on "kin work" which is the labor required to maintain these kin ties, and how historically it's been an invisible part of the expected labor of women.

For me, this has never been about liking or disliking my in-laws. They are lovely. But I'm not automatically taking on the responsibility of writing them thank-you gifts for my kid's Christmas gifts just because I'm the female partner in my relationship.

Women are better at this stuff. We just are. Families on both sides will be happier if you just maintain those kin ties.

Yes because of centuries of social conditioning. There is no reason men can't be good at this stuff. And I'm a woman and I don't WANT to do 'this stuff' for my miserable MIL. If it was up to me we'd stop seeing her entirely. I only tolerate it for my spouse, no way I am doing the emotional labor with that woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for these responses. I see three general reasons:

1. Distribution of labor (always)- split interactions with parents on logistics things as a way to even out the work between the couple
2. No relationships (always)- somebody has already decided they don't like/enjoy interacting with the IL, so they don't.
3. Protecting Relationships (sometimes)- if it is a particularly sticky or sensitive issue, the ILs child having the conversation is less likely to damage relationships in the long term

Helpful.

I think the HUGE piece that's missing is the societal expectation that women will manage family relationships. It's not that "your spouse should handle the ILs". It's that mothers are expected to handle both their own family AND their husband's family in terms of such tasks as holidays, gift-giving, catering foods for get-togethers, and so on. There's a literature on "kin work" which is the labor required to maintain these kin ties, and how historically it's been an invisible part of the expected labor of women.

For me, this has never been about liking or disliking my in-laws. They are lovely. But I'm not automatically taking on the responsibility of writing them thank-you gifts for my kid's Christmas gifts just because I'm the female partner in my relationship.

Women are better at this stuff. We just are. Families on both sides will be happier if you just maintain those kin ties.

If they are better, it's only because they've had more practice. Whatever you practice, you get better at. The solution is to stop expecting women to do (and get all the practice) and hold men accountable for their share. It's what I'm teaching all my kids - boys and girls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because we have two sets of long distance grandparents and it’s unfair to me, I also work full time, to be expected to manage the logistics of both sets. He would never ever manage getting my parents birthday cards/presents and I don’t have the capacity to do so for his and mine. Just one example. If either he or I need specific help with something for our side of grandparents, we would of course ask the other, but just expecting me to arrange to get your parents to and from the import when I already have to do that for mine is too much burden on me.

I already do 99% of kid logistics and I’m barely holding it together.

Why did you marry such a dolt?

DP but in a similar situation. My DH isn't a 'dolt'. We have a challenging set of circumstances and me taking on most of the kid logistics is one way we're making it all work. I don't take on anything related to his family unless he specificially requests assistance because I've got enough to do.

[Anonymous]

No one should handle them. Both of you should just ignore them.