DS’s friend told DS his parents got divorced

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I've been separated for 7 years and divorced for 2 and most my friends and coworkers don't even know. Only really close friends and family just found out because my mom died and my xH was at the funeral (for our kids) but then he went home. Lol. It was funny we sat around and told "family secrets".

It's just not something that comes up in conversation, I don't need support, I don't see any reason to bring it up in conversation.

While we were separated, we still attended kids games, school events, cookouts and dinner parties with our kids. As soon as people started to find out they were like "who do we invite" "do we invite both", I was like well for 5 years you were inviting both why would you stop.

It's weird how people act so weird about divorce.

If my kid hangs out with yours a lot I need to know. You don't need to make some big announcement or share detail, just weave it in casually in a conversation.

Why do you “need to know?”

What a weird question. My kid hangs out in households where i know the parents well. I don't want her around the newest boyfriend or girlfriend the parents are dating, nor sitters a parent is hiring etc.
If you are so secretive about a core change in the dynamics of your household, for YEARS, i can't trust you.

If you're close enough with a given couple, they'll tell you directly. If they're responsible parents, you need to trust them not to leave their kid (and yours) alone with some random bf/gf or sitter. If you don't trust them to do that, you probably don't know them as well as you thought you did.

I get that not all divorces are so amicable as to pretend they didn't happen (e.g., inviting the couple as a couple), but not all of them are as acrimonious and dysfunctional as many people assume.

I remember years ago, I saw a dad clearly on a date. Our kids were good friends but the parents weren’t really my personal friends. I totally thought the dad was cheating. I didn’t think it was my business to say anything so I didn’t. They hosted a birthday party and I remember thinking dad was sketchy. A few months passed and we saw dad and son at a mutual friend’s house. I casually asked where the mom was and my mutual friend told me that they were getting divorced. The mom cheated and left the dad. I felt bad for judging the dad on a date.

The lesson is “don’t judge” not everyone tells you about their life so you don’t judge.

Or don't be so secretive or else people will fill in the blanks with their imagination.

I could not care less what Larlas friends Mom’s book club imagines about me.

For ever person you meet they have a story in their head about you that is not true.

It’s good to understand that to get through middle school.

You seem to still act like a tween.

You don’t think it would be the slightest bit strange if you are family friends/acquaintances and all of a sudden, your husband or ex husband is out with another woman. Then your child’s friend’s mom may notice and think your husband is cheating on you.

I guess you can think others should just MYOB.

This has happened. My son changed schools in 3rd. A group of moms from the old school saw my H out with someone. Shall I have a notice put in the newsletter at school and the bulletin at church?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've been separated for 7 years and divorced for 2 and most my friends and coworkers don't even know. Only really close friends and family just found out because my mom died and my xH was at the funeral (for our kids) but then he went home. Lol. It was funny we sat around and told "family secrets".

It's just not something that comes up in conversation, I don't need support, I don't see any reason to bring it up in conversation.

While we were separated, we still attended kids games, school events, cookouts and dinner parties with our kids. As soon as people started to find out they were like "who do we invite" "do we invite both", I was like well for 5 years you were inviting both why would you stop.

It's weird how people act so weird about divorce.

If my kid hangs out with yours a lot I need to know. You don't need to make some big announcement or share detail, just weave it in casually in a conversation.

Why do you “need to know?”

What a weird question. My kid hangs out in households where i know the parents well. I don't want her around the newest boyfriend or girlfriend the parents are dating, nor sitters a parent is hiring etc.
If you are so secretive about a core change in the dynamics of your household, for YEARS, i can't trust you.

If you're close enough with a given couple, they'll tell you directly. If they're responsible parents, you need to trust them not to leave their kid (and yours) alone with some random bf/gf or sitter. If you don't trust them to do that, you probably don't know them as well as you thought you did.

I get that not all divorces are so amicable as to pretend they didn't happen (e.g., inviting the couple as a couple), but not all of them are as acrimonious and dysfunctional as many people assume.

I remember years ago, I saw a dad clearly on a date. Our kids were good friends but the parents weren’t really my personal friends. I totally thought the dad was cheating. I didn’t think it was my business to say anything so I didn’t. They hosted a birthday party and I remember thinking dad was sketchy. A few months passed and we saw dad and son at a mutual friend’s house. I casually asked where the mom was and my mutual friend told me that they were getting divorced. The mom cheated and left the dad. I felt bad for judging the dad on a date.

The lesson is “don’t judge” not everyone tells you about their life so you don’t judge.

Or don't be so secretive or else people will fill in the blanks with their imagination.

I could not care less what Larlas friends Mom’s book club imagines about me.

For ever person you meet they have a story in their head about you that is not true.

It’s good to understand that to get through middle school.

You seem to still act like a tween.

You don’t think it would be the slightest bit strange if you are family friends/acquaintances and all of a sudden, your husband or ex husband is out with another woman. Then your child’s friend’s mom may notice and think your husband is cheating on you.

I guess you can think others should just MYOB.

This has happened. My son changed schools in 3rd. A group of moms from the old school saw my H out with someone. Shall I have a notice put in the newsletter at school and the bulletin at church?

As long as you don't care what conclusion they draw, you obviously don't need to tell them anything. But you can't control what people guess based on what they see.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've been separated for 7 years and divorced for 2 and most my friends and coworkers don't even know. Only really close friends and family just found out because my mom died and my xH was at the funeral (for our kids) but then he went home. Lol. It was funny we sat around and told "family secrets".

It's just not something that comes up in conversation, I don't need support, I don't see any reason to bring it up in conversation.

While we were separated, we still attended kids games, school events, cookouts and dinner parties with our kids. As soon as people started to find out they were like "who do we invite" "do we invite both", I was like well for 5 years you were inviting both why would you stop.

It's weird how people act so weird about divorce.

If my kid hangs out with yours a lot I need to know. You don't need to make some big announcement or share detail, just weave it in casually in a conversation.

Why do you “need to know?”

What a weird question. My kid hangs out in households where i know the parents well. I don't want her around the newest boyfriend or girlfriend the parents are dating, nor sitters a parent is hiring etc.
If you are so secretive about a core change in the dynamics of your household, for YEARS, i can't trust you.

If you're close enough with a given couple, they'll tell you directly. If they're responsible parents, you need to trust them not to leave their kid (and yours) alone with some random bf/gf or sitter. If you don't trust them to do that, you probably don't know them as well as you thought you did.

I get that not all divorces are so amicable as to pretend they didn't happen (e.g., inviting the couple as a couple), but not all of them are as acrimonious and dysfunctional as many people assume.

I remember years ago, I saw a dad clearly on a date. Our kids were good friends but the parents weren’t really my personal friends. I totally thought the dad was cheating. I didn’t think it was my business to say anything so I didn’t. They hosted a birthday party and I remember thinking dad was sketchy. A few months passed and we saw dad and son at a mutual friend’s house. I casually asked where the mom was and my mutual friend told me that they were getting divorced. The mom cheated and left the dad. I felt bad for judging the dad on a date.

The lesson is “don’t judge” not everyone tells you about their life so you don’t judge.

Or don't be so secretive or else people will fill in the blanks with their imagination.

I could not care less what Larlas friends Mom’s book club imagines about me.

For ever person you meet they have a story in their head about you that is not true.

It’s good to understand that to get through middle school.

You seem to still act like a tween.

You don’t think it would be the slightest bit strange if you are family friends/acquaintances and all of a sudden, your husband or ex husband is out with another woman. Then your child’s friend’s mom may notice and think your husband is cheating on you.

I guess you can think others should just MYOB.

This has happened. My son changed schools in 3rd. A group of moms from the old school saw my H out with someone. Shall I have a notice put in the newsletter at school and the bulletin at church?

As long as you don't care what conclusion they draw, you obviously don't need to tell them anything. But you can't control what people guess based on what they see.

Do you care? How old are you.

Lol reminds me of Mystic Pizza.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is amazing. So many people who cannot understand what it means to live in a community or have friends or social acquaintances. Glad I don't live near any of y'all.

I had a similar reaction. A couple years ago, friends of ours separated and DH heard about it from the husband at a playdate. Kind of similar to OP we hadn't seen them in a couple months or longer, life gets busy sometimes. I did reach out to the wife- I honestly have no idea what I said now and had I run it by the peanut gallery here it surely would have been shot down. But I consider her a friend. I wouldn't have pushed beyond my initial message but she called me soon after and we met up. I don't believe I offended her by reaching out, she actually said something to the effect that it took the pressure off having to break the news because that was hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have known this family for years. We didn’t see or talk to them all summer and DS said the boy told him his parents got divorced a few months ago. I saw the mom today and was friendly as usual.

Do I say anything? Just act like I don’t know?

Would a kid know the difference between divorce and separation?

How old are the kids?

In this situation, I would probably say, "Hey, Sam told me that Ryan said you and Ryan's dad split up this summer. How are you doing?" if I was at all friendly with her. I couldn't just be normal and act like I didn't know.

This would make me uncomfortable. Don’t do this, OP. The son could get blowback from the parent, too, on the lines of “why are you telling your friends about our divorce?!”. You never know. Let them tell you their own time. They’ll appreciate it.

I mean, are you saying it’s normal to treat it like it’s a shameful secret that you / your kid can’t tell anyone about?

No, person who is not OP, I was not remotely implying that and that was am impressive twist of my words.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've been separated for 7 years and divorced for 2 and most my friends and coworkers don't even know. Only really close friends and family just found out because my mom died and my xH was at the funeral (for our kids) but then he went home. Lol. It was funny we sat around and told "family secrets".

It's just not something that comes up in conversation, I don't need support, I don't see any reason to bring it up in conversation.

While we were separated, we still attended kids games, school events, cookouts and dinner parties with our kids. As soon as people started to find out they were like "who do we invite" "do we invite both", I was like well for 5 years you were inviting both why would you stop.

It's weird how people act so weird about divorce.

If my kid hangs out with yours a lot I need to know. You don't need to make some big announcement or share detail, just weave it in casually in a conversation.

Why do you “need to know?”

What a weird question. My kid hangs out in households where i know the parents well. I don't want her around the newest boyfriend or girlfriend the parents are dating, nor sitters a parent is hiring etc.
If you are so secretive about a core change in the dynamics of your household, for YEARS, i can't trust you.

Oh please. Gimmie a break.

[Anonymous]

I would mention it and say something like, “Larlo told me that Harlow mentioned you and Fred are no longer together. I hope you’re doing OK. Let me know if you need anything.” And then see how she reacts. If she seems like she wants to talk about it, don’t talk about it. If she just says, thanks, but doesn’t engage, then move on from that topic!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm LOL that so many people on this thread think their divorce is some bit of classified information.

No, you're probably just upset that you weren't personally told.

I was divorced last year. I did not go around announcing it to people at school pickup, random co workers or the cashier at the grocery store. If you needed to know, I told you-otherwise, it's nunya business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm LOL that so many people on this thread think their divorce is some bit of classified information.

No, you're probably just upset that you weren't personally told.

I was divorced last year. I did not go around announcing it to people at school pickup, random co workers or the cashier at the grocery store. If you needed to know, I told you-otherwise, it's nunya business.

Please. It spreads like wildfire even if you personally only told three people.

[Anonymous]

It doesn't concern you. Just move along. If it comes up when you're giving the kid a ride home sometime, it might just be - "Oh, I'm staying at my Dad's tonight. Can you drop me there?" And that's all you need to know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm LOL that so many people on this thread think their divorce is some bit of classified information.

No, you're probably just upset that you weren't personally told.

I was divorced last year. I did not go around announcing it to people at school pickup, random co workers or the cashier at the grocery store. If you needed to know, I told you-otherwise, it's nunya business.

Please. It spreads like wildfire even if you personally only told three people.

No it doesn’t. Most normal people have the information go in one ear and out the other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm LOL that so many people on this thread think their divorce is some bit of classified information.

No, you're probably just upset that you weren't personally told.

I was divorced last year. I did not go around announcing it to people at school pickup, random co workers or the cashier at the grocery store. If you needed to know, I told you-otherwise, it's nunya business.

Please. It spreads like wildfire even if you personally only told three people.

I'm pretty certain that my personal life is extraordinarily boring to people. It's almost boring to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm LOL that so many people on this thread think their divorce is some bit of classified information.

No, you're probably just upset that you weren't personally told.

I was divorced last year. I did not go around announcing it to people at school pickup, random co workers or the cashier at the grocery store. If you needed to know, I told you-otherwise, it's nunya business.

Please. It spreads like wildfire even if you personally only told three people.

Okay, so if you tell a few people directly, other people will find out. At that point, it is reasonable to expect that people might check in with the divorcing parent(s) because that's what empathetic people do. You don't have to make a giant announcement on social media or whatever - I think those are kind of weird and showboaty, myself. But it's also not this huge secret and most people, upon hearing that an acquaintance got divorced over the summer, would probably, in the context of talking to that acquaintance, acknowledge the divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm LOL that so many people on this thread think their divorce is some bit of classified information.

No, you're probably just upset that you weren't personally told.

I was divorced last year. I did not go around announcing it to people at school pickup, random co workers or the cashier at the grocery store. If you needed to know, I told you-otherwise, it's nunya business.

Please. It spreads like wildfire even if you personally only told three people.

Okay, so if you tell a few people directly, other people will find out. At that point, it is reasonable to expect that people might check in with the divorcing parent(s) because that's what empathetic people do. You don't have to make a giant announcement on social media or whatever - I think those are kind of weird and showboaty, myself. But it's also not this huge secret and most people, upon hearing that an acquaintance got divorced over the summer, would probably, in the context of talking to that acquaintance, acknowledge the divorce.

Yeah. One of my aquaintences posted it as "I lost 230 pounds last year and I feel great!" A few people were confused (she's thin already) but most people got it.