DS’s friend told DS his parents got divorced

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You keep being courteous to both parents. This is very important. They are in recovery mode and need people to be compassionate, and not nosy. If neither tells you, it means you cannot really ask questions, unless for some reason you feel you're a little closer than that, and can ask whether they are OK. Sometimes, that's acceptable.

I mean we have hung out as families for years. Seems strange not to say anything. I will just not mention it.

I’m not divorced, but if I were to separate, I cannot imagine having a conversation with each and every one of my kid’s friends’ parents to announce the news.

That sounds like torture.

This

[Anonymous]

I've been separated for 7 years and divorced for 2 and most my friends and coworkers don't even know. Only really close friends and family just found out because my mom died and my xH was at the funeral (for our kids) but then he went home. Lol. It was funny we sat around and told "family secrets".

It's just not something that comes up in conversation, I don't need support, I don't see any reason to bring it up in conversation.

While we were separated, we still attended kids games, school events, cookouts and dinner parties with our kids. As soon as people started to find out they were like "who do we invite" "do we invite both", I was like well for 5 years you were inviting both why would you stop.

It's weird how people act so weird about divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been separated for 7 years and divorced for 2 and most my friends and coworkers don't even know. Only really close friends and family just found out because my mom died and my xH was at the funeral (for our kids) but then he went home. Lol. It was funny we sat around and told "family secrets".

It's just not something that comes up in conversation, I don't need support, I don't see any reason to bring it up in conversation.

While we were separated, we still attended kids games, school events, cookouts and dinner parties with our kids. As soon as people started to find out they were like "who do we invite" "do we invite both", I was like well for 5 years you were inviting both why would you stop.

It's weird how people act so weird about divorce.

Would sending you an anniversary gift be weird?

[Anonymous]

I mean, by accident. Because I didn’t know.

[Anonymous]

How old are the kids? I don't think this needs to be treated like top secret information, but at some point she will just assume you know already. If I was dropping my kid off at school, I'd keep it to chit chat and I wouldn't wave someone down to say "fyi, I am divorced now". That's weird.

You'll find out in time for sure. Ask to catch up with your friend you've hung out with so many times and go from there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've been separated for 7 years and divorced for 2 and most my friends and coworkers don't even know. Only really close friends and family just found out because my mom died and my xH was at the funeral (for our kids) but then he went home. Lol. It was funny we sat around and told "family secrets".

It's just not something that comes up in conversation, I don't need support, I don't see any reason to bring it up in conversation.

While we were separated, we still attended kids games, school events, cookouts and dinner parties with our kids. As soon as people started to find out they were like "who do we invite" "do we invite both", I was like well for 5 years you were inviting both why would you stop.

It's weird how people act so weird about divorce.

Would sending you an anniversary gift be weird?

I think sending people anniversary gifts is weird unless it's 25, 30, 50 and they have a party.

In the 22 years I was married nobody ever sent me an anniversary gift.

But, if I had a very close friend send me an anniversary gift I'd call them and let them know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been separated for 7 years and divorced for 2 and most my friends and coworkers don't even know. Only really close friends and family just found out because my mom died and my xH was at the funeral (for our kids) but then he went home. Lol. It was funny we sat around and told "family secrets".

It's just not something that comes up in conversation, I don't need support, I don't see any reason to bring it up in conversation.

While we were separated, we still attended kids games, school events, cookouts and dinner parties with our kids. As soon as people started to find out they were like "who do we invite" "do we invite both", I was like well for 5 years you were inviting both why would you stop.

It's weird how people act so weird about divorce.

That's very weird. If you reread your post, you will see that it's not other people who act weird about divorce, it's you. And all the other posters who think they own their information and control who knows what and what their children tell others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just was divorced and it’s obviously a hard thing, and it’s made easier to the extent that I get to choose when and to whom to discuss it. There’s a lot of distressing loss of control over your life in a divorce, and if other people bring it up in conversation, that is yet more loss of control. When I’m in the mood, which is often enough (for me), I will bring it up. So do your divorcing friends the favor of giving them agency over this sensitive and personal topic. Think of it this way if you’re tempted to force the topic into a conversation — for the very first time, no less: if you were a frenemy/enemy of this woman, the meanest thing you could say to her might be, “So how’s everything going with that divorce I heard you were having?”

I'm going through this now and this was a good way of putting it. Divorce is so hard. Sometimes talking about it just makes it harder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been separated for 7 years and divorced for 2 and most my friends and coworkers don't even know. Only really close friends and family just found out because my mom died and my xH was at the funeral (for our kids) but then he went home. Lol. It was funny we sat around and told "family secrets".

It's just not something that comes up in conversation, I don't need support, I don't see any reason to bring it up in conversation.

While we were separated, we still attended kids games, school events, cookouts and dinner parties with our kids. As soon as people started to find out they were like "who do we invite" "do we invite both", I was like well for 5 years you were inviting both why would you stop.

It's weird how people act so weird about divorce.

If my kid hangs out with yours a lot I need to know. You don't need to make some big announcement or share detail, just weave it in casually in a conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since you said you’ve known the family years and you’re friendly, i would probably say something. But only if your intentions are warm and genuine, like, hey xx told me you guys have separated? Please reach out if you need anything, or if xx ever needs a ride or just get together for a glass of wine.”

I think friends are wonderful during this time and if you’re interested in being one, step forward.

Horrible advice.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't say anything. People will tell you when they are ready, if there is anything to tell. Kids don't always get it right.

We have family friends who come to our house a few times a year for parties. I had no idea the parents were splitting up, even though the mom and kids came over but the dad didn't. I just assumed he was traveling for work, I asked the mom how her husband was, she looked at me blankly and then we just moved on with the conversation. A few days later, she texted that they were divorcing and she didn't know how to respond to my question. I wouldn't purposely put someone on the spot like that knowing that it could make them uncomfortable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean, it doesn’t need to be my business except if my child is being invited over, I’d like to at least know who will be home and if it’s someone new I’ve never met. That IS my business.

It’s also pretty sad for the kid if they are being told they can’t even tell their friends. I don’t personally get the secrecy but whatever. It’s like you think the news won’t spread anyway? It still will.

Are you on a different thread? OP said nothing about the boy being sworn to secrecy, and also said nothing about any invites to the boys house. You just sound like you like to gossip.

[Anonymous]

I'm LOL that so many people on this thread think their divorce is some bit of classified information.

[Anonymous]

Some of these women have their eyes on the hot, now single Dad.

[Anonymous]

Several years ago my spouse, and I separated for a time and eventually got back together. We didn’t broadcast our separation to our kids’ friends’ parents, or even to most of our own friends - just our closest ones.

More than a year after we patched things up an old friend contacted me to say how sorry she was over our separation. It turned out that one of the “close” friends who we had told took it upon herself to broadcast it. We’ve never really forgiven her for that.

The best course of action here is clearly to MYOB.