DS’s friend told DS his parents got divorced

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You keep being courteous to both parents. This is very important. They are in recovery mode and need people to be compassionate, and not nosy. If neither tells you, it means you cannot really ask questions, unless for some reason you feel you're a little closer than that, and can ask whether they are OK. Sometimes, that's acceptable.

I mean we have hung out as families for years. Seems strange not to say anything. I will just not mention it.

Oh, spare us the bullshit. You didn’t talk to them all summer and they haven’t said anything to you about it themselves. You’re not that close. MYOB.

+1

At most, if I felt close enough to the mom,
I may send a text like “It was so nice to have Larlo over the other say. Can’t believe summer has flown by. Would love to catch up soon if you’re free for a girls’ night.”

Then there is an opening if your friend is up for socializing and you can offer support if it comes up. But I would never pry. They may just not be ready to talk about it with a wider audience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have known this family for years. We didn’t see or talk to them all summer and DS said the boy told him his parents got divorced a few months ago. I saw the mom today and was friendly as usual.

Do I say anything? Just act like I don’t know?

Would a kid know the difference between divorce and separation?

I’m newly separated and headed to divorce. I am fine and don’t really need to talk about it or even have it acknowledged if we aren’t close enough to know already. The way you behaved was perfect in my opinion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have known this family for years. We didn’t see or talk to them all summer and DS said the boy told him his parents got divorced a few months ago. I saw the mom today and was friendly as usual.

Do I say anything? Just act like I don’t know?

Would a kid know the difference between divorce and separation?

PP. If you didn’t already know-then you don’t need to say anything
I’m newly separated and headed to divorce. I am fine and don’t really need to talk about it or even have it acknowledged if we aren’t close enough to know already. The way you behaved was perfect in my opinion.

[Anonymous]

Don’t say a word until they tell you. Just had this situation 3 years ago with good friend who moved away but our kids all go to out of state camp.
We were even going to stay at hotel dropping off kids together and she didn’t say a word. I mentioned I knew and just hope she’s doing well and all good (she had been unhappy)… figured the awkwardness of the “secret” made her bail on our hotel stay.
But nope- She was all upset I said something - it’s none of your business and no one is owed a marriage status update- besides being good gossip.
Awkward yea- but leave it alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have known this family for years. We didn’t see or talk to them all summer and DS said the boy told him his parents got divorced a few months ago. I saw the mom today and was friendly as usual.

Do I say anything? Just act like I don’t know?

Would a kid know the difference between divorce and separation?

How old are the kids?

In this situation, I would probably say, "Hey, Sam told me that Ryan said you and Ryan's dad split up this summer. How are you doing?" if I was at all friendly with her. I couldn't just be normal and act like I didn't know.

This would make me uncomfortable. Don’t do this, OP. The son could get blowback from the parent, too, on the lines of “why are you telling your friends about our divorce?!”. You never know. Let them tell you their own time. They’ll appreciate it.

I mean, are you saying it’s normal to treat it like it’s a shameful secret that you / your kid can’t tell anyone about?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have known this family for years. We didn’t see or talk to them all summer and DS said the boy told him his parents got divorced a few months ago. I saw the mom today and was friendly as usual.

Do I say anything? Just act like I don’t know?

Would a kid know the difference between divorce and separation?

I’m newly separated and headed to divorce. I am fine and don’t really need to talk about it or even have it acknowledged if we aren’t close enough to know already. The way you behaved was perfect in my opinion.

We moved to the dmv area after we had kids so our new friends were mostly through our kids. I find that my friends who were my friends vs couple or family friends are much more open about marital problems. My childhood friend who lives in another state would call me daily and talk to me about her marital problems and the details of the divorce. I have friends who I met where we were friends but our husbands aren’t. These types of friends have spoken of when husbands cheat. The family friends where dads are friends, moms are friends and kids are friends don’t share as much.

[Anonymous]

Since you said you’ve known the family years and you’re friendly, i would probably say something. But only if your intentions are warm and genuine, like, hey xx told me you guys have separated? Please reach out if you need anything, or if xx ever needs a ride or just get together for a glass of wine.”

I think friends are wonderful during this time and if you’re interested in being one, step forward.

[Anonymous]

I just was divorced and it’s obviously a hard thing, and it’s made easier to the extent that I get to choose when and to whom to discuss it. There’s a lot of distressing loss of control over your life in a divorce, and if other people bring it up in conversation, that is yet more loss of control. When I’m in the mood, which is often enough (for me), I will bring it up. So do your divorcing friends the favor of giving them agency over this sensitive and personal topic. Think of it this way if you’re tempted to force the topic into a conversation — for the very first time, no less: if you were a frenemy/enemy of this woman, the meanest thing you could say to her might be, “So how’s everything going with that divorce I heard you were having?”

[Anonymous]

I mean, it doesn’t need to be my business except if my child is being invited over, I’d like to at least know who will be home and if it’s someone new I’ve never met. That IS my business.

It’s also pretty sad for the kid if they are being told they can’t even tell their friends. I don’t personally get the secrecy but whatever. It’s like you think the news won’t spread anyway? It still will.

[Anonymous]

You’re making someone acknowledge something that may not be committed to yet. I mean one party may be saying they are divorced and the other one is holding out hope for reconciliation and the final judgment hasn’t been issued. Divorce is a fluid process until it’s legalized. How would you feel if a kid said, “how’s your diet? I know you are planning to lose 30 pounds?”when you are struggling and now you have social pressure to either do it or not.

[Anonymous]

Of course not.

[Anonymous]

Unless and until one of the parents tells you, you don't raise it with them. Not your business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another vote for MYOB!

Yeah yeah, MYOB, and all. Fine.

But, OP: now you DO know. Or at least you suspect. So you SHOULD change your behavior:

- I would not say to the mom “oh, you and Brad are such a great couple!” Or

- “You have the kind of marriage I admire!” Or

- “we’re going on a couples-only vacation, want to come?”

So it does matter to that degree.

And everyone else: stop being so fake! You know you really WANT to know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another vote for MYOB!

Yeah yeah, MYOB, and all. Fine.

But, OP: now you DO know. Or at least you suspect. So you SHOULD change your behavior:

- I would not say to the mom “oh, you and Brad are such a great couple!” Or

- “You have the kind of marriage I admire!” Or

- “we’re going on a couples-only vacation, want to come?”

So it does matter to that degree.

And everyone else: stop being so fake! You know you really WANT to know.

+1

You would not have even opened this thread if you did not want to know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You keep being courteous to both parents. This is very important. They are in recovery mode and need people to be compassionate, and not nosy. If neither tells you, it means you cannot really ask questions, unless for some reason you feel you're a little closer than that, and can ask whether they are OK. Sometimes, that's acceptable.

I mean we have hung out as families for years. Seems strange not to say anything. I will just not mention it.

I’m not divorced, but if I were to separate, I cannot imagine having a conversation with each and every one of my kid’s friends’ parents to announce the news.

That sounds like torture.