Anyone else lose their groove during Covid with young kids and still not have it back?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a mom of older kids, I'm confused why everyone things the pandemic told them something new. Yes the pandemic sucked but we weren't supported before the pandemic either.

Yeah but the pandemic shook up the delicate balance we had to manage. My kids’ preschool closed for a while and then drastically cut hours to put kids in cohorts when they reopened. Then instead of the usual burning through PTO for routine illnesses, we were all hemorrhaging leave for 10 day quarantines often while our kids were perfectly healthy. Or if we were “lucky” told we could catch up on work at night, which isn’t really sustainable. The icing on the cake was the total shutdown of places like playgrounds so we were truly stuck at home going crazy, no play dates, no mom group meetups, etc.

So not only did we not have support, but we also had societal factors coming together to make things even harder.

Some of you act like you were uniquely affected by the pandemic. Talk to families with teens and high school teachers…rampant mental health issues amongst that age group. High school and college years derailed.
Or talk to nursing home personnel (I volunteer at one)….the isolation and feelings of abandonment for many elderly, including people approaching death with no access to loved ones was horrible. I get that many of you are not in a good place, but so are other people. Please stop acting as if you were uniquely victimized by the pandemic. Some of you have no fricken clue.

Please stop telling people how to feel, or rather how they’re allowed to feel, based on the fact that others may have had it worse. (And you truly have no idea the extent to what ANY posters have gone through.) Please try to have a little empathy.

I think that’s what saddens me the most about covid. What a missed opportunity for self-reflection and the development of a more functional, loving, supportive society. Instead, hypercapitalism has run amok and nobody knows how to function “normally” anymore, because it seems there’s no baseline anymore. It’s awful.

What does this actually mean and look like IRL for your average working parent? Free daycares? Relatives babysitting your kids? Long maternity leaves?

I don’t quite get the “support” everyone is saying that they need. Raising kids is hard work and I don’t see how support can make it all that easier. Maternity leave has to eventually end and even a free daycare has its many challenges.

If you want an easier life, be a SAHM but that comes with its own set of challenges.

Did you really just say that you don't understand why people want "support" or how it would make anything easier? WTF?

Yes, I did and I notice you didn’t respond to my specific question.

What does this support look like? My assumption is you want others to provide you with *free labor.*. By others I mean mostly women. You want the government to provide you childcare, grandparents to babysit, neighbors to pitch in, other employees to pick up your slack at work, etc.

DP. No, what I think we need is a return to community. This could be organized by community centers or by neighborhoods or by organizations. There are already groups who do this, including schools, local businesses, civic centers, and other groups - but while this used to be a mainstay of American life, it no longer is and people are insular, isolated, and unhappy.

In order to implement this, it requires two things: organizers and organizees - people need to be show up, attend, in order to be part of the group. We're all very independent-minded but it's hurting us. We need to become a bit more community-minded.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our kids are slightly older, in upper elementary school, which was the sweet spot between able to (sort of) do virtual school and (sort of) too young for the crushing depression experienced by teens during the pandemic.

What OP is describing is the same that we have, the same parents of teens, medical personnel (my brother and SIL), etc., is burnout. We were all uniquely affected together - it can be seen now in the widespread lack of behavior and self-control.

I don't know the solution. Attacking each other because others were also harmed by the pandemic, or minimizing because the lockdowns weren't that long, is not it.

I’m the pp who said the shutdown was not that long.

I was absolutely burnt out before Covid. I had absolutely no time for myself. I had so much guilt not spending enough time with my kids.

I actually think Covid gave parents work flexibility they may never had before.

This. Unless you were essential in-person from the start (and those people I know that were had daycare from the start) Covid actually made things easier. No commuting, no extra curriculars, more time with your family. Parenting little kids is hard, and I don’t think Instagram explains that well when pressuring people to pop out 3 kids in 5 years.

DH is a surgeon and the best thing to come out of the pandemic is that he can now see patients from home. I never thought my husband would be able to work from home. He can order tests and go over test results online.

Working parents got a lot of slack during Covid. I know my husband would see some patients at home with my kids in the background and people were understanding. Everyone knew everyone was home doing the best they could.

[Anonymous]

There were multiple times I thought I was going to lose my sanity juggling my 3 kids during Covid. It has been almost 3 years.

We mostly stayed to ourselves but we met friends outside 2-3 months after shutdown.

I think it is odd that OP is blaming Covid for her current state. I mean she only has one kid and kid started kindergarten. I had a kid the same age and she went to preschool. We went to the zoo, parks and playgrounds. She is a happy well adjusted kid.

[Anonymous]

I think a lot of moms partnered with men realized how how useless their male partners were. Patriarchy strikes again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes! For us the cost of living has been really hard on us. I am documenter and avid mint user and pre pandemic we spent so much less money on groceries (like 32 percent less!), clothes, and children’s activities (violin is now double and daycare is 19 percent more). We aren’t your average DCUM family that “only” makes 500k, we are a family of 5 on 190k and it’s very tight. I think this part of things really prevents me from getting organized as I am spending wayyyy more time than I use to shopping for deals, looking for side hustles and doing things like packing lunches and washing my car and other small things I use to be able to throw 5-12 bucks at. It’s just really something I don’t see much on this board but it’s rocking our entire world!

$190,000 is in the upper 1%! The median HHI on the DMV Area is $50,000! You are way ahead of the game!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh, good lord! Covid is over and people need to stop blaming their problems on covid! Everyone went through the same thing but most of us coped without whining and complaining. OP, et al, GROW UP!

Yeah, you coped by going to anonymous message boards and criticizing people who were having a hard time. And you're supposed to be the positive example?

PS - everyone did not go through the same thing, not even close

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, I don’t think anything you are struggling with has anything to do with Covid. Almost everyone who is a parent struggles with this. Parenting is hard.

I’m older than you. I’m 45 and my oldest just started high school. Lots of people in my circles are divorcing or having difficulties in their marriage. Their teens are struggling with various issues. I know moms who chose to stay home and others who are now very senior in their careers. Most are in the middle who may have mommy tracked themselves. Now they are thinking about why college is $70k per year and how they will pay this tuition for 2-3 kids and how retirement seems never.

DP. I'm 44 and my oldest is in 8th grade. The social isolation of the pandemic really did a number on a lot of people - in this region more than some others. Not sure why some on this thread are saying that having more time to spend with the children and spouse (at home, together, all the time) outweighs zero time spent with friends or extended family for 6-18 months.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a mom of older kids, I'm confused why everyone things the pandemic told them something new. Yes the pandemic sucked but we weren't supported before the pandemic either.

Yeah but the pandemic shook up the delicate balance we had to manage. My kids’ preschool closed for a while and then drastically cut hours to put kids in cohorts when they reopened. Then instead of the usual burning through PTO for routine illnesses, we were all hemorrhaging leave for 10 day quarantines often while our kids were perfectly healthy. Or if we were “lucky” told we could catch up on work at night, which isn’t really sustainable. The icing on the cake was the total shutdown of places like playgrounds so we were truly stuck at home going crazy, no play dates, no mom group meetups, etc.

So not only did we not have support, but we also had societal factors coming together to make things even harder.

Some of you act like you were uniquely affected by the pandemic. Talk to families with teens and high school teachers…rampant mental health issues amongst that age group. High school and college years derailed.
Or talk to nursing home personnel (I volunteer at one)….the isolation and feelings of abandonment for many elderly, including people approaching death with no access to loved ones was horrible. I get that many of you are not in a good place, but so are other people. Please stop acting as if you were uniquely victimized by the pandemic. Some of you have no fricken clue.

Please stop telling people how to feel, or rather how they’re allowed to feel, based on the fact that others may have had it worse. (And you truly have no idea the extent to what ANY posters have gone through.) Please try to have a little empathy.

I think that’s what saddens me the most about covid. What a missed opportunity for self-reflection and the development of a more functional, loving, supportive society. Instead, hypercapitalism has run amok and nobody knows how to function “normally” anymore, because it seems there’s no baseline anymore. It’s awful.

What does this actually mean and look like IRL for your average working parent? Free daycares? Relatives babysitting your kids? Long maternity leaves?

I don’t quite get the “support” everyone is saying that they need. Raising kids is hard work and I don’t see how support can make it all that easier. Maternity leave has to eventually end and even a free daycare has its many challenges.

If you want an easier life, be a SAHM but that comes with its own set of challenges.

Did you really just say that you don't understand why people want "support" or how it would make anything easier? WTF?

A lot of daycares did open back up. Parents just didn’t want to send their kids.

People with nannies kept their nannies.

The shutdown was relatively short. I think people are greatly exaggerating their childcare problems. The people who were scraping by before are still scraping by. Some people have very limited resources before, during and after Covid.

We live in an affluent area. Many working moms kept their nannies. A lot of families would have a FT nanny and PT preschool. We were going on walks, beaches, farms in the summer of 2020. Things weren’t shut down for years. Our preschool opened back up in the fall of 2020.

I don’t know why you feel the need to minimize people’s experiences. The people on here are saying they were struggling- why not believe them? Your experience was different- great, I am happy for you.

The first two months or so people were very supportive. After that I had to take unpaid leave because my job is not one I can do with two children home and virtual kindergarten with a child with severe ADHD requires a lot of hands on support and emotional intensity. Our kid was not diagnosed until back in person school because doctors were like yeah virtual kindergarten is ridiculous, what do you expect and we didn’t have a teacher evaluation to back us up on our concerns.

It was actually worse emotionally when people decided everything was back to normal but my child’s preschool was being regularly shut down for 10 days at a time for a COVID exposure. My work absolutely did not shift my responsibilities on to people with older kids- how could they when they already had a full workload? My husband and I covered the best we could and worked at night and we were exhausted. At one point in time my youngest was home for 5 weeks between his own illness, classroom shut downs and the scheduled winter break (10 days, which we had planned for, but ended up working through because we had a child home for a month before that). Some people managed by putting their children in front of an iPad for the entire day for weeks at a time. We weren’t willing or frankly able to do that.

I remember regular conversations with my friend who had one or both kids home due to illness or exposure for over a month. Her husband has to work in person for his work and they were entirely unwilling to let him even take additional unpaid leave to help with their kids home. I had kids in childcare and school before the pandemic- this was absolutely a totally different beast for us.

My kid absolutely cannot do virtual therapy (provider acknowledged as much and refused to do virtual sessions) and we lost that important level of support (which we paid $$$$$$$$$ for out of pocket) for 1.5 years until we finally found a therapist taking in person patients.

I will freely admit there have been many many harder times in history and I in general have a good, even wonderful, life despite my kids special needs. I can also feel that those years of isolation, exhaustion and worry/depression about my kids were incredibly hard. Those two things are not mutually exclusive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, I don’t think anything you are struggling with has anything to do with Covid. Almost everyone who is a parent struggles with this. Parenting is hard.

I’m older than you. I’m 45 and my oldest just started high school. Lots of people in my circles are divorcing or having difficulties in their marriage. Their teens are struggling with various issues. I know moms who chose to stay home and others who are now very senior in their careers. Most are in the middle who may have mommy tracked themselves. Now they are thinking about why college is $70k per year and how they will pay this tuition for 2-3 kids and how retirement seems never.

DP. I'm 44 and my oldest is in 8th grade. The social isolation of the pandemic really did a number on a lot of people - in this region more than some others. Not sure why some on this thread are saying that having more time to spend with the children and spouse (at home, together, all the time) outweighs zero time spent with friends or extended family for 6-18 months.

My oldest is 14 and a shy introvert. He loved being home alone and in virtual school. I was very worried about his social and mental well being but he seemed fine. He did not see his friends but when he finally did, everyone was happy to see one another.

My younger son is very social and did not do so well being isolated. He connected with friends online.

I was shocked both boys said they loved virtual school. When we were actually doing virtual school, I thought it was a hard time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, I don’t think anything you are struggling with has anything to do with Covid. Almost everyone who is a parent struggles with this. Parenting is hard.

I’m older than you. I’m 45 and my oldest just started high school. Lots of people in my circles are divorcing or having difficulties in their marriage. Their teens are struggling with various issues. I know moms who chose to stay home and others who are now very senior in their careers. Most are in the middle who may have mommy tracked themselves. Now they are thinking about why college is $70k per year and how they will pay this tuition for 2-3 kids and how retirement seems never.

DP. I'm 44 and my oldest is in 8th grade. The social isolation of the pandemic really did a number on a lot of people - in this region more than some others. Not sure why some on this thread are saying that having more time to spend with the children and spouse (at home, together, all the time) outweighs zero time spent with friends or extended family for 6-18 months.

My oldest is 14 and a shy introvert. He loved being home alone and in virtual school. I was very worried about his social and mental well being but he seemed fine. He did not see his friends but when he finally did, everyone was happy to see one another.

My younger son is very social and did not do so well being isolated. He connected with friends online.

I was shocked both boys said they loved virtual school. When we were actually doing virtual school, I thought it was a hard time.

Of course they loved virtual school - unlimited youtube and video game time! My kids liked it too but their socialization suffered, not to mention academics.

[Anonymous]

1. People on here saying "actually Covid was great for families because there was more work life balance and time with kids" -- I believe that was your experience and the experience of people you know. That was not a universal experience. My work life balance did NOT improve with Covid. My home workload vastly increased, my professional workload stayed the same. Covid was not some great boon that allowed me to save time and money. It made my life harder. I accept not everyone had that experience, but don't sit there and gaslight those of us who did.

2. Yes, of course parenting is always hard. But Covid actually did happen. You can say "this has nothing to do with Covid, it's just parenting," and some of it no doubt is. But also some of it is Covid. There are people on this thread who changed their family planning because of the pandemic. That's a real impact. There are people with burnout BECAUSE of Covid. Not just incidental to it, but because the pandemic put a specific and heavy strain on them and it pushed them to burn out. I don't understand this desire to act like Covid is irrelevant or that everyone would be in the exact same place in life even if there had been no pandemic. That's insane. Covid was an actual thing that happened and of course it had impacts on people. Again, stop with the gaslighting.

3. If you enjoyed Covid because it improved your work life balance, and tend to feel it had no negative impacts on you personally and didn't in any way change the trajectory of your life, congrats. But.... why are you in this thread that is specifically about people who had a different experience? What are you getting out of this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, I don’t think anything you are struggling with has anything to do with Covid. Almost everyone who is a parent struggles with this. Parenting is hard.

I’m older than you. I’m 45 and my oldest just started high school. Lots of people in my circles are divorcing or having difficulties in their marriage. Their teens are struggling with various issues. I know moms who chose to stay home and others who are now very senior in their careers. Most are in the middle who may have mommy tracked themselves. Now they are thinking about why college is $70k per year and how they will pay this tuition for 2-3 kids and how retirement seems never.

DP. I'm 44 and my oldest is in 8th grade. The social isolation of the pandemic really did a number on a lot of people - in this region more than some others. Not sure why some on this thread are saying that having more time to spend with the children and spouse (at home, together, all the time) outweighs zero time spent with friends or extended family for 6-18 months.

My oldest is 14 and a shy introvert. He loved being home alone and in virtual school. I was very worried about his social and mental well being but he seemed fine. He did not see his friends but when he finally did, everyone was happy to see one another.

My younger son is very social and did not do so well being isolated. He connected with friends online.

I was shocked both boys said they loved virtual school. When we were actually doing virtual school, I thought it was a hard time.

Of course they loved virtual school - unlimited youtube and video game time! My kids liked it too but their socialization suffered, not to mention academics.

My kids were playing soccer, golf and tennis by summer. They actually picked up both golf and tennis because of Covid. I remember signing them up for a golf camp and they loved it. There were some jerks in golf so not sure how good the socialization was but I was glad for them to be doing something.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I'm pissed this thread became a pile-on of a bunch of people telling anyone talking about their struggles that actually they don't have struggles and should stop talking about it. I think a lot of you have MAJOR issues that this is how you choose to spend your time.

Anyway, I'm going to go through and report a bunch of these comments as off-tope and ask Jeff to clean up the thread because I actually do think it could be a source of support and commiseration for people who need it. If that's not you, you can go away. Thanks!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. People on here saying "actually Covid was great for families because there was more work life balance and time with kids" -- I believe that was your experience and the experience of people you know. That was not a universal experience. My work life balance did NOT improve with Covid. My home workload vastly increased, my professional workload stayed the same. Covid was not some great boon that allowed me to save time and money. It made my life harder. I accept not everyone had that experience, but don't sit there and gaslight those of us who did.

2. Yes, of course parenting is always hard. But Covid actually did happen. You can say "this has nothing to do with Covid, it's just parenting," and some of it no doubt is. But also some of it is Covid. There are people on this thread who changed their family planning because of the pandemic. That's a real impact. There are people with burnout BECAUSE of Covid. Not just incidental to it, but because the pandemic put a specific and heavy strain on them and it pushed them to burn out. I don't understand this desire to act like Covid is irrelevant or that everyone would be in the exact same place in life even if there had been no pandemic. That's insane. Covid was an actual thing that happened and of course it had impacts on people. Again, stop with the gaslighting.

3. If you enjoyed Covid because it improved your work life balance, and tend to feel it had no negative impacts on you personally and didn't in any way change the trajectory of your life, congrats. But.... why are you in this thread that is specifically about people who had a different experience? What are you getting out of this?

Don’t you remember the great resignation? Lots of people quit and now they are back to work. You sound like you were able to push through.

This was not war. You are talking about housework and childcare. Come on.

"They also serve who only stand and wait."

You're minimizing again. Maybe try making the internet a better place rather than posting on this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a mom of older kids, I'm confused why everyone things the pandemic told them something new. Yes the pandemic sucked but we weren't supported before the pandemic either.

Mmm, pretty sure my young school-aged kids could attend school before the pandemic. Suddenly, school became not only optional, but something no decent parent had a right to expect. As PPs have said, you weren't dealing with young kids during the pandemic - just as I don't know what it was like to parent teens during that time period, you don't know what it was like to parent toddlers or preschoolers or kindergartners.

They were in elementary. But I just find this whole younger generation of parents SO effing whiny. Everything is unfair and harder for them than everyone else. Blah blah blah. Deal with it.

And how old are you? Either you're in your 50s/60s with much older kids, in which case you have no idea at all what it was like to parent young kids through the pandemic, or you're in your late 40s and just a few years older but complaining about this "younger generation" of parents which is ridiculous.

I’m 43. And y’all are really whiny.

I'm the older NP from the prior page. I'm not at all whiny in my real life, but this seems like a safe space to share with others who are experiencing similar feelings. Perhaps you should find another thread.

The PP needs to find another thread to commiserate with other people who are so unhappy that they feel better by sneering at people who are struggling with something. Of everyone who has posted on here, the 43 year old calling other parents “whiny” for sharing their feelings is the person who needs help the most. This is truly abnormal and not something happy people do.

It’d be like someone with a high metabolism gloating when others are sharing their struggles with weight gain. Or someone claiming mental illness is just made up when someone talks about their depression.

I find people who lack empathy (and even worse, enjoy sneaking on others who are down) to be sad human beings.