Dating a man who makes less than me

[Anonymous]

My DH made half of what I did when we met 15 years ago, but I didn’t care because he’s a great human and now dad all around. He ended up switching careers completely and now the roles are reversed. OP, you seem to want to live a lifestyle he can’t provide, do both yourselves a favor and let him go.

Also, agree with PP. Have no issues eating at Olive Garden

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH made half of what I did when we met 15 years ago, but I didn’t care because he’s a great human and now dad all around. He ended up switching careers completely and now the roles are reversed. OP, you seem to want to live a lifestyle he can’t provide, do both yourselves a favor and let him go.

Also, agree with PP. Have no issues eating at Olive Garden

Agreed. It's the lifestyle that is different. Find someone who wants the same lifestyle as you and wants to work towards it.

[Anonymous]

How much does he make? If he is making minimum wage and has four roommates at 40 and has no retirement savings, then, yes, he will be a financial burden to OP if they end up getting married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Less is fine. I make more than DH, and have for as long as we've known each other. But if he doesn't make enough to be self-supporting, that is not workable. If you think he cannot afford any kind of date other than free, this is not a reasonable long-term prospect he.

It's more likely that you are being dramatic to make yourself feel important, though.

He supports himself, just in a very modest way. He has some beliefs that I think have made it hard for him to earn more. He is very drawn to helping the downtrodden and outsiders, which is great but there are ways to do that that do not result in you yourself becoming one of them.

Is this last comment from the OP?

You fault him for caring for others. I suspect that means he has some form of service job. He has my gratitude and my respect. Apparently he doesn’t have yours.

This thread paints him as a saint. You didn’t paint yourself very well.

There are many of us who think that contributing to the greater good is more honorable and more respectful than hoarding money and fancy experiences. You mentioned upthread that he drove to the Midwest instead of flying. Did you think for a second that there is joy in a road trip? Perhaps one would benefit you.

Please cut him loose. There are many people looking for a great guy and he deserves someone who will appreciate him more than material things.

Excuse me? I don’t fault him in fact I said it was great. I support and admire his service to others (he is a very committed SJW), I just observed that there are many way and professions in which to help the economically disadvantaged (including in his chosen field) that don’t result in you becoming one of them. It seems like something held him back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it’s entirely possible to have a mature and long-lasting relationship with someone who makes more or less than you.

yeah, men do it all the time. It's exactly what OP wants, she just wants to be the low earner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And I am kind of dreading the free events and no ticket required scene. I also think he would feel emasculated if I started paying for nicer dates. Don’t mind buying tickets or dinner now and then but always living the life of free/cheap/public is going to get old really fast I think. Which is a pity, bc I like him, but already foreseeing that crappy vacations, appreciating nature bc we have to, and not great music could start dividing us. Sigh.

Move on. You have no viable chance of success in this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH made half of what I did when we met 15 years ago, but I didn’t care because he’s a great human and now dad all around. He ended up switching careers completely and now the roles are reversed. OP, you seem to want to live a lifestyle he can’t provide, do both yourselves a favor and let him go.

Also, agree with PP. Have no issues eating at Olive Garden

I love how this is offered as if you're so past being superficial. But if this switch hadn't happened, you'd be here complaining.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Poor guy. Set him free so someone without dumb financial hangups can snag him.

Viable retirement and health care as you get older, paying for housing and kids' education are not "dumb financial hangups." Life is expensive and getting more so all the time. Lack of money causes stress that money can solve. Wealthy people live longer and better than less wealthy people. All other things being equal, which they never are, it's better to have someone at or close to your level at least. What would happen if the only earner became disabled?

Those are not what turned OP off, only that she'd have to settle for "free music" and "cheap dinners".

I am OP and I wrote both these posts. It’s the whole picture. Inexpensive dates is just the tip of the iceberg.

As a lifelong musician who is active in the local music scene, I’m so sorry you might have to be subjected to my band’s note-perfect covers of popular tunes during a local event or at a beer farm.

My sincere condolences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. I'm not talking about flying first class or front row tickets to Taylor Swift. I'm talking about a guy who just drove 10 hours to and from a midwestern state for a one-week vacation to save money on airfare. There's a point when your time should be more valuable.

This doesn't sound cheap. This sounds like he just doesn't know any better.
People do a lot of things that they perceive cheaper but actually cost more. I have no patience for such things (renting a storage for years to store ikea crap is an example), but making less money is no problem.

Or, maybe he likes driving. I'm driving to Indiana for a long weekend because I find it really relaxing - yes, it's a 10 hour trip but that doesn't mean I don't value my time. It's something I LIKE doing.

It may not be something OP values and that's fine. It's just another indicator of their incompatibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it would bother me to downgrade my lifestyle to accommodate the chip on a man's shoulder.

+1000

It would be different if he didn't have a problem with it.

in OP's post, she never said he directly claimed to have a problem with it - she speculated and just projected nonsense, which is what the two of you money hos are doing as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. I'm not talking about flying first class or front row tickets to Taylor Swift. I'm talking about a guy who just drove 10 hours to and from a midwestern state for a one-week vacation to save money on airfare. There's a point when your time should be more valuable.

This doesn't sound cheap. This sounds like he just doesn't know any better.
People do a lot of things that they perceive cheaper but actually cost more. I have no patience for such things (renting a storage for years to store ikea crap is an example), but making less money is no problem.

Or, maybe he likes driving. I'm driving to Indiana for a long weekend because I find it really relaxing - yes, it's a 10 hour trip but that doesn't mean I don't value my time. It's something I LIKE doing.

It may not be something OP values and that's fine. It's just another indicator of their incompatibility.

If you fly you also have to rent a car, etc. Sometimes it's nice to be able to set your own timeline! Driving is so much more flexible than flying.

[Anonymous]

There are so many professional golfers who are making very little to no money to even support themselves playing on the golf tour and yet those guys are married to women with a lot of money and those women use their money to support their husbands to play as long as they can on the money pit Korn Ferry tour. Why do those women marry those guys when they are dirt poor? It is because those guys are hard working, have good characters, and loyalty. Those guys will succeed in life after their golf careers are over. People with money, the majority of them are looking for people with other qualities and traits such as good looks, hard working, loyalties, etc.... Money is at the bottom of the list.

[Anonymous]

"appreciating nature because we have to" lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And I am kind of dreading the free events and no ticket required scene. I also think he would feel emasculated if I started paying for nicer dates. Don’t mind buying tickets or dinner now and then but always living the life of free/cheap/public is going to get old really fast I think. Which is a pity, bc I like him, but already foreseeing that crappy vacations, appreciating nature bc we have to, and not great music could start dividing us. Sigh.

You don't look good here, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. I'm not talking about flying first class or front row tickets to Taylor Swift. I'm talking about a guy who just drove 10 hours to and from a midwestern state for a one-week vacation to save money on airfare. There's a point when your time should be more valuable.

This doesn't sound cheap. This sounds like he just doesn't know any better.
People do a lot of things that they perceive cheaper but actually cost more. I have no patience for such things (renting a storage for years to store ikea crap is an example), but making less money is no problem.

Or, maybe he likes driving. I'm driving to Indiana for a long weekend because I find it really relaxing - yes, it's a 10 hour trip but that doesn't mean I don't value my time. It's something I LIKE doing.

It may not be something OP values and that's fine. It's just another indicator of their incompatibility.

If you fly you also have to rent a car, etc. Sometimes it's nice to be able to set your own timeline! Driving is so much more flexible than flying.

If it is under 10 hours, I like to drive. Because no drive to the airport. No wait at the airport. No TSA at the airport. No flight. No drive from the airport. No rental car.