Dating a man who makes less than me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Less is fine. I make more than DH, and have for as long as we've known each other. But if he doesn't make enough to be self-supporting, that is not workable. If you think he cannot afford any kind of date other than free, this is not a reasonable long-term prospect.

It's more likely that you are being dramatic to make yourself feel important, though.

He supports himself, just in a very modest way. He has some beliefs that I think have made it hard for him to earn more. He is very drawn to helping the downtrodden and outsiders, which is great but there are ways to do that that do not result in you yourself becoming one of them.

Is this last comment from the OP?

You fault him for caring for others. I suspect that means he has some form of service job. He has my gratitude and my respect. Apparently he doesn’t have yours.

This thread paints him as a saint. You didn’t paint yourself very well.

There are many of us who think that contributing to the greater good is more honorable and more respectful than hoarding money and fancy experiences. You mentioned upthread that he drove to the Midwest instead of flying. Did you think for a second that there is joy in a road trip? Perhaps one would benefit you.

Please cut him loose. There are many people looking for a great guy and he deserves someone who will appreciate him more than material things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. I'm not talking about flying first class or front row tickets to Taylor Swift. I'm talking about a guy who just drove 10 hours to and from a midwestern state for a one-week vacation to save money on airfare. There's a point when your time should be more valuable.

Okay OP, I hear you. This not the man for you. Forget front row at Taylor Swift, you all just do not seem to have compatible lifestyles. He may be a nice guy, friendly etc, but when the rubber meets the road you all are “evenly yoked” to use a Bible term. And I sense that this has already gotten old for you. Keep him as a friend but not a romantic partner.

I'm not sure that is possible. The mojo is strong with this one. There is good chemistry.

Well then you can’t be friends but staying in this relationship is just going to breed resentment and turn toxic. You want a lifestyle he can’t afford. You do not want pay for everything all of them and don’t think he does either. You either have to talk about it with him and come to a solution that works for both or end it. The sex isn’t going to sustain things when you can’t/do not want to go out together because …he wants to drive to California. Unless he drives and you fly and met there. But then what type of hotel, activities etc can you do together once you get there? There are woman that have no problem paying for everything and man that are fine with it. That works, but your situation doesn’t.

Or you can continue and have fun while it lasts, when the resentment and toxicity bubbles up end it then. As long as you aren’t looking for marriage and children and do not get pregnant, that works too.

[Anonymous]

Sorry for the terrible grammar and typos, was multitasking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. I'm not talking about flying first class or front row tickets to Taylor Swift. I'm talking about a guy who just drove 10 hours to and from a midwestern state for a one-week vacation to save money on airfare. There's a point when your time should be more valuable.

Okay OP, I hear you. This not the man for you. Forget front row at Taylor Swift, you all just do not seem to have compatible lifestyles. He may be a nice guy, friendly etc, but when the rubber meets the road you all are “evenly yoked” to use a Bible term. And I sense that this has already gotten old for you. Keep him as a friend but not a romantic partner.

I'm not sure that is possible. The mojo is strong with this one. There is good chemistry.

Well then you can’t be friends but staying in this relationship is just going to breed resentment and turn toxic. You want a lifestyle he can’t afford. You do not want pay for everything all of them and don’t think he does either. You either have to talk about it with him and come to a solution that works for both or end it. The sex isn’t going to sustain things when you can’t/do not want to go out together because …he wants to drive to California. Unless he drives and you fly and met there. But then what type of hotel, activities etc can you do together once you get there? There are woman that have no problem paying for everything and man that are fine with it. That works, but your situation doesn’t.

Or you can continue and have fun while it lasts, when the resentment and toxicity bubbles up end it then. As long as you aren’t looking for marriage and children and do not get pregnant, that works too.

I’m the PP who posted above you.

OP, don’t follow the advice in that last paragraph. If you do, at least TELL him you have no intention to stay together long-term and make sure he’s okay with that. Otherwise, you’ll just be stringing him along and using him.

He’s a person, not something to consume and throw away when you’re done.

[Anonymous]

That pathetic sigh at the end. Wow. You got me there. I definitly have empathy for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Less is fine. I make more than DH, and have for as long as we've known each other. But if he doesn't make enough to be self-supporting, that is not workable. If you think he cannot afford any kind of date other than free, this is not a reasonable long-term prospect he.

It's more likely that you are being dramatic to make yourself feel important, though.

He supports himself, just in a very modest way. He has some beliefs that I think have made it hard for him to earn more. He is very drawn to helping the downtrodden and outsiders, which is great but there are ways to do that that do not result in you yourself becoming one of them.

Is this last comment from the OP?

You fault him for caring for others. I suspect that means he has some form of service job. He has my gratitude and my respect. Apparently he doesn’t have yours.

This thread paints him as a saint. You didn’t paint yourself very well.

There are many of us who think that contributing to the greater good is more honorable and more respectful than hoarding money and fancy experiences. You mentioned upthread that he drove to the Midwest instead of flying. Did you think for a second that there is joy in a road trip? Perhaps one would benefit you.

Please cut him loose. There are many people looking for a great guy and he deserves someone who will appreciate him more than material things.

Excuse me? I don’t fault him in fact I said it was great. I support and admire his service to others (he is a very committed SJW), I just observed that there are many way and professions in which to help the economically disadvantaged (including in his chosen field) that don’t result in you becoming one of them. It seems like something held him back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. I'm not talking about flying first class or front row tickets to Taylor Swift. I'm talking about a guy who just drove 10 hours to and from a midwestern state for a one-week vacation to save money on airfare. There's a point when your time should be more valuable.

This doesn't sound cheap. This sounds like he just doesn't know any better.
People do a lot of things that they perceive cheaper but actually cost more. I have no patience for such things (renting a storage for years to store ikea crap is an example), but making less money is no problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Poor guy. Set him free so someone without dumb financial hangups can snag him.

Viable retirement and health care as you get older, paying for housing and kids' education are not "dumb financial hangups." Life is expensive and getting more so all the time. Lack of money causes stress that money can solve. Wealthy people live longer and better than less wealthy people. All other things being equal, which they never are, it's better to have someone at or close to your level at least. What would happen if the only earner became disabled?

Those are not what turned OP off, only that she'd have to settle for "free music" and "cheap dinners".

I am OP and I wrote both these posts. It’s the whole picture. Inexpensive dates is just the tip of the iceberg.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Less is fine. I make more than DH, and have for as long as we've known each other. But if he doesn't make enough to be self-supporting, that is not workable. If you think he cannot afford any kind of date other than free, this is not a reasonable long-term prospect he.

It's more likely that you are being dramatic to make yourself feel important, though.

He supports himself, just in a very modest way. He has some beliefs that I think have made it hard for him to earn more. He is very drawn to helping the downtrodden and outsiders, which is great but there are ways to do that that do not result in you yourself becoming one of them.

Is this last comment from the OP?

You fault him for caring for others. I suspect that means he has some form of service job. He has my gratitude and my respect. Apparently he doesn’t have yours.

This thread paints him as a saint. You didn’t paint yourself very well.

There are many of us who think that contributing to the greater good is more honorable and more respectful than hoarding money and fancy experiences. You mentioned upthread that he drove to the Midwest instead of flying. Did you think for a second that there is joy in a road trip? Perhaps one would benefit you.

Please cut him loose. There are many people looking for a great guy and he deserves someone who will appreciate him more than material things.

Excuse me? I don’t fault him in fact I said it was great. I support and admire his service to others (he is a very committed SJW), I just observed that there are many way and professions in which to help the economically disadvantaged (including in his chosen field) that don’t result in you becoming one of them. It seems like something held him back.

It's a victim mindset/savior complex. Meet up for some fun dates you pay for if you want to just have a companion to talk to and enjoy his company and don't expect anything in return. And then look for someone that has what you need long term.

[Anonymous]

OP this is not the guy for you. Every post you write makes it sound like you feel superior to him in every way. Money aside you don’t respect who he is. So on paper he may check a bunch of boxes but you can’t deal with the reality.

My partner makes less than I do and is the sole provider for his kids so he has very little fun money. I have no issues paying for things for us to do. He contributes to the relationship by saving me tons of money on fixing and maintaining my possessions. I’ve never had to call a handyman or mechanic or landscaper. He handles it all. Relationships are compromise and there is give and take. It’s the overall value the other person brings to the relationship. There can be a balance even without similar salaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And I am kind of dreading the free events and no ticket required scene. I also think he would feel emasculated if I started paying for nicer dates. Don’t mind buying tickets or dinner now and then but always living the life of free/cheap/public is going to get old really fast I think. Which is a pity, bc I like him, but already foreseeing that crappy vacations, appreciating nature bc we have to, and not great music could start dividing us. Sigh.

Already has

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Less is fine. I make more than DH, and have for as long as we've known each other. But if he doesn't make enough to be self-supporting, that is not workable. If you think he cannot afford any kind of date other than free, this is not a reasonable long-term prospect he.

It's more likely that you are being dramatic to make yourself feel important, though.

He supports himself, just in a very modest way. He has some beliefs that I think have made it hard for him to earn more. He is very drawn to helping the downtrodden and outsiders, which is great but there are ways to do that that do not result in you yourself becoming one of them.

Is this last comment from the OP?

You fault him for caring for others. I suspect that means he has some form of service job. He has my gratitude and my respect. Apparently he doesn’t have yours.

This thread paints him as a saint. You didn’t paint yourself very well.

There are many of us who think that contributing to the greater good is more honorable and more respectful than hoarding money and fancy experiences. You mentioned upthread that he drove to the Midwest instead of flying. Did you think for a second that there is joy in a road trip? Perhaps one would benefit you.

Please cut him loose. There are many people looking for a great guy and he deserves someone who will appreciate him more than material things.

Excuse me? I don’t fault him in fact I said it was great. I support and admire his service to others (he is a very committed SJW), I just observed that there are many way and professions in which to help the economically disadvantaged (including in his chosen field) that don’t result in you becoming one of them. It seems like something held him back.

Except clearly you don’t admire his service to others. If you did, this thread wouldn’t exist.

I suspect he isn’t so poorly paid that he’s going to become “one of them.” He just isn’t paid the superfluous money that you are.

It’s deeply insulting that you think “something held him back.” There are many of us who don’t require absurd amounts of money to be happy. I’m guessing he’s one of them and you are not. This is a mismatch. Let him go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP maybe you a catch... for someone else.
You seem to enjoy the finer things in life, and just want someone else to pay for them. There are many many men who will sign up for this arrangement.
Throw this one back.

OP did not say she wanted someone else to pay for her to enjoy the finer things. She likes to do certain activities that she perceives he cannot afford. She seems kind of okay paying more to enjoy those activities with him but perceives that he will be offended if she pays.

"Don’t mind buying tickets or dinner now and then but always living the life of free/cheap/public is going to get old really fast
foreseeing that crappy vacations, appreciating nature bc we have to, and not great music could start dividing us"

Yeah, clearly sounds like she's super on-board supporting this lifestyle. If she dates this person she will be "settling" for his lifestyle, because that's who will be paying. I'm not saying one has to be a sugar momma, but it's clear she wants someone who can buy her all these nice things. How dare she be forced to appreciate nature!

OP. I'm not sure why you are fixated on this argument but it seems very hard for you to comprehend what I am saying, thought other posters seemed to have grasped it without too much trouble. Are you a man by any chance?

Nope. I am a woman who made more than my dh for most of our lives though. I actually grasped your concept quite easily. If you want someone who can afford to shower you in gifts and trips and dinners you need to find someone else. Throw him back for another lady who will appreciate him!

No, you haven’t grasped it at all. Please reread the posts from others who did.

Many others did the same as I did... It's pretty clear.

-You don't want to do cheap activities
-He will only pay for cheap activities
-You don't want to pay for more expensive activities
-You are already resenting him for this

What else is there to grasp?

I would pay for more expensive activities, or would share the cost of more expensive activities, but he either does not want to or cannot. How is this hard to understand? Oh, bc it doesn’t fit your narrative.

You said you don’t mind paying ‘here and there’. You said you ‘think’ he would be upset but you don’t actually know. I have no narrative, you’re the one calling him cheap and then trying to find a way to be ok with it lol.

I never called him cheap. He is of lesser means. That is totally different from cheap. You are so offensive and also, wrong. Could you just quit commenting? You’re the only one here who can’t comprehend the content here.

That’s not really how the internet works. And actually everyone seems to be saying the same thing. You are just in denial. You want a certain lifestyle and he doesn’t/can’t/won’t support that. You either have to step up as the breadwinner, change your entire personality, or cut him loose.

As a pp said, he sounds like saint. Maybe you don’t want to let him go because you know he’ll be snapped up right away by someone who will appreciate him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP this is not the guy for you. Every post you write makes it sound like you feel superior to him in every way. Money aside you don’t respect who he is. So on paper he may check a bunch of boxes but you can’t deal with the reality.

My partner makes less than I do and is the sole provider for his kids so he has very little fun money. I have no issues paying for things for us to do. He contributes to the relationship by saving me tons of money on fixing and maintaining my possessions. I’ve never had to call a handyman or mechanic or landscaper. He handles it all. Relationships are compromise and there is give and take. It’s the overall value the other person brings to the relationship. There can be a balance even without similar salaries.

OP if I was dating someone who wrote any of the things you have written about this guy about me, I'd rather they not do me the "favor" of putting up with my poverty. You're very condescending towards him and the general vibe is that you're slumming for good sex but can't imagine introducing him to your friends. Stop agonizing over this and break up. Then adjust your minimum income requirements on OKC and prepare to complain on here about how there are no good single guys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I dated (and then married) a man who made less than I did. He never took me on cheap dates. I think he rearranged his budget to be able to spend more. He took me on inexpensive dates sometimes - like the free nights at museums or to the beach (which I love) or stuff like that. He never took me to Olive Garden or paid with coupons.

I will admit that when I took him on vacations I often lied about points or miles so he wouldn't feel I was spending tons on him and get uncomfortable. We never went on a vacation of like, chugging through Jersey in a motor home or anything.

I was in love. When you're in love, you'll make things work.

1) I do not understand the hate for Olive Garden food, frankly. It is better than most meals that people have in good restaurants or at home.

2) Most rich people ill not turn don a bargain or not cut coupons.

3) Dating is not a problem. Marriage may have issues depending on the kind of people you are. Your combined HHI after marriage should be high enough to meet the needs of your family.