Dating a man who makes less than me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Poor guy. Set him free so someone without dumb financial hangups can snag him.

Viable retirement and health care as you get older, paying for housing and kids' education are not "dumb financial hangups." Life is expensive and getting more so all the time. Lack of money causes stress that money can solve. Wealthy people live longer and better than less wealthy people. All other things being equal, which they never are, it's better to have someone at or close to your level at least. What would happen if the only earner became disabled?

OP only said he makes “less than.” He still may make a respectable salary. Also, making less doesn’t exclude you from retirement, health care, etc. We’re a 2-teacher household and we’re doing very well financially. My life may not even be that different than OP’s.

Plus, OP’s concerns posted are considerably more superficial than what’s posted above.

Yea, this. The real incompatibility between these two is that OP is simply more shallow. I bet I make a lot more money than she does and I’m not big into throwing it away either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Less is fine. I make more than DH, and have for as long as we've known each other. But if he doesn't make enough to be self-supporting, that is not workable. If you think he cannot afford any kind of date other than free, this is not a reasonable long-term prospect.

It's more likely that you are being dramatic to make yourself feel important, though.

You can’t compare your situation with your husband to dating. It’s completely different.

[Anonymous]

There is no amount of fancy dinners and vacations that will fill the hole in your soul.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Less is fine. I make more than DH, and have for as long as we've known each other. But if he doesn't make enough to be self-supporting, that is not workable. If you think he cannot afford any kind of date other than free, this is not a reasonable long-term prospect.

It's more likely that you are being dramatic to make yourself feel important, though.

You can’t compare your situation with your husband to dating. It’s completely different.

What? We dated before we got married. That's how relationships work, and as I stated I made more the whole time. It's the exact same thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Poor guy. Set him free so someone without dumb financial hangups can snag him.

Viable retirement and health care as you get older, paying for housing and kids' education are not "dumb financial hangups." Life is expensive and getting more so all the time. Lack of money causes stress that money can solve. Wealthy people live longer and better than less wealthy people. All other things being equal, which they never are, it's better to have someone at or close to your level at least. What would happen if the only earner became disabled?

Those are not what turned OP off, only that she'd have to settle for "free music" and "cheap dinners".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And I am kind of dreading the free events and no ticket required scene. I also think he would feel emasculated if I started paying for nicer dates. Don’t mind buying tickets or dinner now and then but always living the life of free/cheap/public is going to get old really fast I think. Which is a pity, bc I like him, but already foreseeing that crappy vacations, appreciating nature bc we have to, and not great music could start dividing us. Sigh.

Sounds like you need to step up your work game. Why does a man need to make more than you to have the life you want?
I make 4xs what my husband does and we enjoy excellent vacations, great seats at concerts and shows and a beautiful home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're allowed to have your preferences. Yet, it's sexist of you to presume he'd be "emasculated" if you paid for the nicer things.

I've always made more than my DH. We've been married 20+ years and LMC with me making 3x what he does. Sure, I wish we could do nice vacations and outsource household work. But, I value having an emotionally available, faithful partner more. There are tradeoffs with everything. You do you but you shouldn't presume what he will feel.

I am pretty sure from our interactions thus far that he would prefer to keep things to a level he can afford to cover. I don't think he would enjoy it is I started paying for all the nicer experiences, I think it would make him feel bad.

PP here. I don't think this is the relationship for you and not because of what you think he'd feel if you paid for the more expensive items. It's because I think you two have profound differences in what you value.

You devalue cheap/free activities. You equate quality with cost. You attribute his financial prudence to his perception of his masculinity.

In short, your perspectives are wildly different and incompatible in the long run. You should cut bait and move on.

[Anonymous]

OP maybe you a catch... for someone else.
You seem to enjoy the finer things in life, and just want someone else to pay for them. There are many many men who will sign up for this arrangement.
Throw this one back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP maybe you a catch... for someone else.
You seem to enjoy the finer things in life, and just want someone else to pay for them. There are many many men who will sign up for this arrangement.
Throw this one back.

OP did not say she wanted someone else to pay for her to enjoy the finer things. She likes to do certain activities that she perceives he cannot afford. She seems kind of okay paying more to enjoy those activities with him but perceives that he will be offended if she pays.

OP, don’t waste your time doing things you don’t enjoy because he cannot or won’t participate. You don’t sound compatible so move on. By US standards I make more than most and I also enjoy free concerts and the Olive Garden. But I will not stay at the no tell motel at New York Ave and Bladensburgh Road and require a nice hotel. Too each her own.

If you are only going to see Beyoncé and Taylor Swift in the box or floor seats and do not want to see the free band at Yards Park, that is fine just move on and find someone else.

[Anonymous]

OP. I'm not talking about flying first class or front row tickets to Taylor Swift. I'm talking about a guy who just drove 10 hours to and from a midwestern state for a one-week vacation to save money on airfare. There's a point when your time should be more valuable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP maybe you a catch... for someone else.
You seem to enjoy the finer things in life, and just want someone else to pay for them. There are many many men who will sign up for this arrangement.
Throw this one back.

OP did not say she wanted someone else to pay for her to enjoy the finer things. She likes to do certain activities that she perceives he cannot afford. She seems kind of okay paying more to enjoy those activities with him but perceives that he will be offended if she pays.

OP, don’t waste your time doing things you don’t enjoy because he cannot or won’t participate. You don’t sound compatible so move on. By US standards I make more than most and I also enjoy free concerts and the Olive Garden. But I will not stay at the no tell motel at New York Ave and Bladensburgh Road and require a nice hotel. Too each her own.

If you are only going to see Beyoncé and Taylor Swift in the box or floor seats and do not want to see the free band at Yards Park, that is fine just move on and find someone else.

No, she definitely wants someone to treat her to fancy concerts, fancy dinners, fancy nature (?), basically anything that isn't cheap. She suspects he may not enjoy it if she pays, but she doesnt seem to know that, nor do we. Nor does she seem interested in that. All that we do know is that she wants to date someone who will pay for those things for her.

And I guess that's fine, but that isn't this guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. I'm not talking about flying first class or front row tickets to Taylor Swift. I'm talking about a guy who just drove 10 hours to and from a midwestern state for a one-week vacation to save money on airfare. There's a point when your time should be more valuable.

Thank you sorry sharing the inspirational tale of your courage and triumph over the hardships you’ve endured.

[Anonymous]

This is not workable. End it.

[Anonymous]

The lower earner's job could be more prestigious or important too. Money isn't the only symbol of status and impact. I make significantly more than my spouse but they undoubtedly have a more socially prestigious position, which opens a lot of doors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP maybe you a catch... for someone else.
You seem to enjoy the finer things in life, and just want someone else to pay for them. There are many many men who will sign up for this arrangement.
Throw this one back.

OP did not say she wanted someone else to pay for her to enjoy the finer things. She likes to do certain activities that she perceives he cannot afford. She seems kind of okay paying more to enjoy those activities with him but perceives that he will be offended if she pays.

"Don’t mind buying tickets or dinner now and then but always living the life of free/cheap/public is going to get old really fast
foreseeing that crappy vacations, appreciating nature bc we have to, and not great music could start dividing us"

Yeah, clearly sounds like she's super on-board supporting this lifestyle. If she dates this person she will be "settling" for his lifestyle, because that's who will be paying. I'm not saying one has to be a sugar momma, but it's clear she wants someone who can buy her all these nice things. How dare she be forced to appreciate nature!