having a "boyfriend" 5th grade

[Anonymous]

I remember this post from last summer and always struck me that OP just wasn’t used to daughter being friend with boy and wanted it to be more. OP never said her daughter calling friend a BF- was all the OP wondering if she should.

[Anonymous]

We have a 6th grader who has always had friends who are boys. They are more like brothers to her but it gets awkward. She gets annoyed because she does not like them as more than friends but other girls want to start suggesting they need to date etc. We have coached our child on what to say in such instances and to set boundaries. She has backed away from a few boys because of it and also maintained a few friendships with other boys.

In some instances, the parents reinforce the notion of dating, by asking who is taking whom to the dance etc.

Many of the girls who are 'dating' -- and this is only what I am hearing secondhand -- seem more pressured to do so because of the need to be popular or special. Some may genuinely like each other and will need some guidance.

Regardless, it is up to the parent to have a conversation with their child about to how to handle emotions and set boundaries. Also engage the middle school counselor when they break up as there is typically a lot of drama. Counselors seem to spend a lot of time dealing with the fallout from these relationships as most kids need help processing their emotions.

Based on the 'relationships' I have heard about, they may well be benign in many ways, but many of these girls let the boys speak or behave in ways that our daughter finds disrespectful. On the other end of the spectrum, some of these girls are downright controlling. Thus far, we have not seen / heard of many with very healthy behaviors.

While I personally feel it is hard enough to be a tween/early teen without relationships coming into the mix, it is also a good time to talk about the dynamics of respect, consent, and feeling supported in any relationship -- as well how to directly and confidently let someone know they are solidly in the friend zone and will remain there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People call me old school, but I don't think it's cute or appropriate to encourage young children to engage in romantic relationships, no matter how "innocent" you believe them to be. They have their whole lives to be adults. Just be a kid.

"Dating" comes with responsibilities and consequences that children should be saddled with. The earliest that this sort of thing is even tolerable, in my opinion, is high school. But I know many parents have much liberal views on this than me.

I agree. I prefer it when the school explicitly discourages kiddie romance, but sometimes you end up with administrators and teachers who think it's harmless and part of being a kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People call me old school, but I don't think it's cute or appropriate to encourage young children to engage in romantic relationships, no matter how "innocent" you believe them to be. They have their whole lives to be adults. Just be a kid.

"Dating" comes with responsibilities and consequences that children should be saddled with. The earliest that this sort of thing is even tolerable, in my opinion, is high school. But I know many parents have much liberal views on this than me.

I agree. I prefer it when the school explicitly discourages kiddie romance, but sometimes you end up with administrators and teachers who think it's harmless and part of being a kid.

+2

[Anonymous]

No way. Especially for girls, the later they delay romantic relationships the better - so often, education takes a back seat and they lose focus on their own goals and dreams, to suit the other.
5th grade? I’d be freaking out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People call me old school, but I don't think it's cute or appropriate to encourage young children to engage in romantic relationships, no matter how "innocent" you believe them to be. They have their whole lives to be adults. Just be a kid.

"Dating" comes with responsibilities and consequences that children should be saddled with. The earliest that this sort of thing is even tolerable, in my opinion, is high school. But I know many parents have much liberal views on this than me.

I agree. I prefer it when the school explicitly discourages kiddie romance, but sometimes you end up with administrators and teachers who think it's harmless and part of being a kid.

+2

+1,000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a boyfriend in 6th grade. Me and my friends sat with him and his friends at lunch. Some of them were "dating" too. That was the extent of things - trading an Oreo for a Vienna Finger cookie. Hot stuff.

That was me too up until 8th grade. My “boyfriend” would bring me gum every morning.

But it’s not always so innocent. Middle school is when sexual activity starts, bj’s are no big deal, nude boob pictures get passed around, parties for boys and girls. This happens mostly with the socially advanced kids or with a pair who feel very serious about each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My daughter and her "friend" like each other. But in an innocent, he is nice and I like him sort of way.

On the one hand, I think it's good to get this awkward - I've never had a boyfriend - if she goes through an awkward phase in middle school.

On the other hand, is it "too early" for her to consider such a concept and what are the consequences?

I have no experience in this, as I was an enormous dork and no boys noticed me until college (think of every 80s movie where the nerd turns into a beautiful girl behind the glasses). But I remember the other kids having "boyfriends" and feeling really left out and awkward when I was 16 and "never been kissed" (teased by supposed friends).

WWYD?

It’s just too young. I don’t know why this isn’t obvious. She has plenty of time to liken a boy middle through high school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a boyfriend in 6th grade. Me and my friends sat with him and his friends at lunch. Some of them were "dating" too. That was the extent of things - trading an Oreo for a Vienna Finger cookie. Hot stuff.

you do know that million+ kids have sex at that age. not a majority, but it's not unheard of, either. what you are describing is dating at first-third grade, not middle school.

I'm just sharing what my friends and I were doing in sixth grade. There was never any touching beyond holding hands and even that was rare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you’re being a bit naive. I’m 5th grade I was kissing my “boyfriend” at my locker and by 6th grade we were sneaking into the locker room to make out and then some after school. And I was not the only one. In middle school these relationships come with physical exploration.

This is something OP should be aware of, but it all depends on the child's temperament and home life, and dare I say it, social class. UMC 5th graders don't have sex.

She said “kissing” not having sex. Nobody claimed 5th graders were having sex.

You can’t dare say “social class” unless you can explain what you think that means.

If you don't know what social class means, lord help yah.

I want to know what it means to you and why you would claim that umc would never have sex in 5th grade instead of including all 5th graders that it’s rare for them to have sex, if at all.

Suburban schools are usually mixed income families including private schools. Are you claiming the higher income students don’t associate with the middle class income students? The middle class students might have sex in middle school but not upper middle class? Nobody goes through life in the US without meeting, interacting and becoming friends and family with people with all sorts of backgrounds and wealth.

lol. You can’t be serious. Of course there are people who live in a bubble! You think those rich boarding school kids interact with free lunch kids ever?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People call me old school, but I don't think it's cute or appropriate to encourage young children to engage in romantic relationships, no matter how "innocent" you believe them to be. They have their whole lives to be adults. Just be a kid.

"Dating" comes with responsibilities and consequences that children should be saddled with. The earliest that this sort of thing is even tolerable, in my opinion, is high school. But I know many parents have much liberal views on this than me.

+agreed. My friend's daughter was encouraged to date early (6th grade) because parents didn't and they thought it was cute and innocent. That ended with some negative consequences and they wish they had said no dating until 10th grade when they're more emotionally and physically developed.

[Anonymous]

Case by case. My son had a GF in 6th - and it was super cute and innocent. They went to the movies once - and we came and sat on the other side of the theater. Mostly they hung out in a big group of friends . She dumped him and he learned a lot about himself and relationships and heartbreak and people.

[Anonymous]

Im a mom, and I think that if they are ready, they.are.ready. There is no "what if" I let my daughter date when she was in 5th grade. At most, they would hug or hold hands. Nothing is wrong with your child having a bf/gf!

[Anonymous]

I'm not supportive of kids "dating" in elementary and middle school. And most of high school, to be honest. I think that kids should be focused on themselves without the complexities of even an "innocent" romantic relationship. This sort of relationship at a young age does nothing to support a kid's skills and talents. It's a distraction from what's important at this age, plain and simple. My kids know that my general stance is that if it is something that is making you a better person, I will support it. If it takes away from that, I wont. I do not believe that middle school dating improves them as humans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Going through this now with a 5th grade DS. He called her his "girl friend" but all they ever did was text, and the texts were really sweet and innocent. She "broke up" with DS because her mom said she was too young, and DS was quite devastated. It seemed unnecessary for the mom to demand they "break up" when to them, having a bf or gf just meant a text or two a day and maybe bragging rights within their friend groups that they had someone?

Lady, you do know that it was more than what you read and saw, right? Odds are the mom made her break up with your kid because of something inappropriate but just labeling it as they are too young.

Lady you can't make assumptions