having a "boyfriend" 5th grade

[Anonymous]

My daughter and her "friend" like each other. But in an innocent, he is nice and I like him sort of way.

On the one hand, I think it's good to get this awkward - I've never had a boyfriend - if she goes through an awkward phase in middle school.

On the other hand, is it "too early" for her to consider such a concept and what are the consequences?

I have no experience in this, as I was an enormous dork and no boys noticed me until college (think of every 80s movie where the nerd turns into a beautiful girl behind the glasses). But I remember the other kids having "boyfriends" and feeling really left out and awkward when I was 16 and "never been kissed" (teased by supposed friends).

WWYD?

[Anonymous]

People call me old school, but I don't think it's cute or appropriate to encourage young children to engage in romantic relationships, no matter how "innocent" you believe them to be. They have their whole lives to be adults. Just be a kid.

"Dating" comes with responsibilities and consequences that children should be saddled with. The earliest that this sort of thing is even tolerable, in my opinion, is high school. But I know many parents have much liberal views on this than me.

[Anonymous]

My daughter had a boyfriend around that age that lasted quite a while. They were very nice to each other and I think she liked having a friend with shared interests who was outside her friend group. I think they held hands and got each other presents and texted in the afternoons and that was that in terms of romance. The main thing that was rough for her was people often teasing her about it, and figuring out if they'd say 'together' when their classes shifted. I think it was a fine experience over all. We met his parents and did a few activities as families, which I also appreciated. It wasn't anything that made me worry.

[Anonymous]

I am also conflicted about this. I see where you are coming from, it helps to have that "I've had a boyfriend' thing checked, especially for a nerdy girl.

Yet, a also I think it's early - I am not worried about sexual part but what about the break up? I am afraid it would be difficult and painful to put that relationship aside, to move on and see a broader perspective. Breakups can feel like the end of the world even for adults. Not sure how a middle school child is going to handle that.

[Anonymous]

Just try to keep it light and platonic.

[Anonymous]

Too young.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s too young and I’d just emphasize that they are friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s too young and I’d just emphasize that they are friends.

If she has a crush, you insisting she is lying and they are just friends isn’t helpful.

I would focus on how to handle a crush - what to do to tell him you like like him, what if he doesn’t like her back like that, etc. And if you think she is too young to date, say that and why and say what they can do - like, you’re too young to text a crush but you can sit together on the bus and play at recess. Or whatever.

[Anonymous]

I had a boyfriend in 6th grade. Me and my friends sat with him and his friends at lunch. Some of them were "dating" too. That was the extent of things - trading an Oreo for a Vienna Finger cookie. Hot stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My daughter and her "friend" like each other. But in an innocent, he is nice and I like him sort of way.

On the one hand, I think it's good to get this awkward - I've never had a boyfriend - if she goes through an awkward phase in middle school.

On the other hand, is it "too early" for her to consider such a concept and what are the consequences?

I have no experience in this, as I was an enormous dork and no boys noticed me until college (think of every 80s movie where the nerd turns into a beautiful girl behind the glasses). But I remember the other kids having "boyfriends" and feeling really left out and awkward when I was 16 and "never been kissed" (teased by supposed friends).

WWYD?

this is not a reason to have a boyfriend at any age

[Anonymous]

I teach upper elementary. Those that are dating are not innocent and no, it’s not cute. They kiss. They finger each other. They show each other their body parts. They feel pressure from outside friends to do adult stuff since they are dating. They basically have to prove it to them. It’s a distraction in school. Do not encourage it.

[Anonymous]

What is the end goal in life? Love. So your child is precocious in romance. It’s like being precocious in sports / you should encourage but monitor. If you play this too seriously than your dc may be missing out on a sweet chapter and life affirming experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a boyfriend in 6th grade. Me and my friends sat with him and his friends at lunch. Some of them were "dating" too. That was the extent of things - trading an Oreo for a Vienna Finger cookie. Hot stuff.

you do know that million+ kids have sex at that age. not a majority, but it's not unheard of, either. what you are describing is dating at first-third grade, not middle school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is the end goal in life? Love. So your child is precocious in romance. It’s like being precocious in sports / you should encourage but monitor. If you play this too seriously than your dc may be missing out on a sweet chapter and life affirming experience.

Not the same at all and hardly stays innocent for long. My oldest daughter drew attention for her looks at a very early age. She was a quiet kid in elementary school who loved fashion and ballet. We both loved fashion and was a hobby of ours so she got a lot of attention for that too.

She followed the rules and did her school work without complaint. Some mothers are ridiculous. They would tell me that their son wanted to marry her which was fine, cute, kids do that. But the mothers would invite her over on play dates with the boys starting in kindergarten. One father actually told me he wanted girls like my daughter to be a role model to her son on how to act. (Didn’t work, he peed on a tree in front of her).

In fifth grade the asking out began. The boys would call, ride their bikes over, chat online at all hours. The “hot boy” asked her on a date with another couple of kids. Of course the boy’s mothers thinks it’s cute, not so much the daughter’s mother. I compromised by taking her to the movies myself after ballet class. 10 minutes before the movie ended I sat behind them and got her the second the movie was over and left.

At this age it’s too much pressure, they are too young. Fifth grade also brought sexual harassment. A different boy was touching her inappropriately at school, mostly grabbing her butt and saying sexual things. He would call our home phone because mobile coverage was bad so I would hear some. He would call 10x a day alternating telling her she loves her and calling her a slut. She was a tiny little thing and innocent.

I asked the school if they could talk to the girls, my daughter and her friends who saw it, and give them information on how to handle it, what to do. The school said that since it was June there was no time and they were actually working with the boy.

I had a gay best friend in high school who was the only boy that never wanted to go further. It was the best friendship I ever had.

I wouldn’t use the term “boyfriend” at this age. I don’t think it’s appropriate.

[Anonymous]

Don’t discourage the relationship because then she’ll get sneaky. Let this boyfriend thing run it’s course. She might get a boyfriend, they might not. My DD had one boyfriend in fourth grade and hasn’t dated since. She said they barely even talked! I agree that having the “has had a boyfriend” box checked helps if you are on the dorky side.

That being said, my DD knows two kids who apparently “dated” from first to fifth grade. They never kissed or touched, they were just best friends. Now those kids are in high school, attend different schools, and haven’t talked in years.