If you had an every other weekend parent growing up, what is your relationship like with them now?

[Anonymous]

OP, you owe this awful man absolutely nothing. He has shown you who he is: believe him. Give yourself the GIFT of never reaching out to him again. If he asks why, you can tell him, “You have shown me a lifetime of not caring about me or my kids. I believe you. I accept that you don’t care for me or my children. Go do what you want, because spending time with me or getting to know me or my kids is clearly not it. Goodbye.”

[Anonymous]

Not sure of your age op.

Back in the day men simply weren't given custody. Every other weekend for men was normal back then. That was my parents original custody and my dad hated it. In the meantime, all my mom did was bash my dad. I legit thought he didnt want to be with me. Guys are usually stoic so his actions didn't disprove what my mom was saying daily. Even when my dad went for custody my mom told me it was so he didnt have to pay child support. My dad ultimately got primary custody of me and I remember the fight he had to go through to do it and this was in the early 90s. It took a lot and years to convince that judge to give him primary custody. I've talked to my dad about it and he said he just missed us and had nothing to lose so he kept going back to court.

Weirdly, the relationship you describe with your dad is the one I have with my mom. Ironically, my mom never paid child support.

Times have changed and we now understand both parents are equally important in child development. Have a relationship or don't have a relationship but don't discount the role courts and the the thinking of the times may have played in your relationship with your dad. My dad has remarried and he does seem closer with his wife's family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

What's he supposed to do? Never have a relationship again? Only Mom is allowed to have relationships and get remarried.

This is what mom choose. She only allowed every other weekend and occasional dinners. She kept him out of her life so he moved on.

Just quit already with this bs. You post this made up scenario in every thread about divorced parenting and it’s so tiresome. In the real world, there are many
divorced dads that do (at best) the bare minimum in terms of parenting by their own choice. Stop blaming single moms for their crappy ex’s decisions.

Yep. This troll poster has absolutely no life and posts this crap in every single divorce thread. It's been going on for years.
The definition of a loser. What a sad, sorry way to live his life. You need serious therapy, troll.

[Anonymous]

OP, I’m so sorry. The bad news is that there’s nothing you can do to make your dad hear you or apologize in the way you need him to. The good news is that it feels pretty validating to have a third party hear you out and tell you that you didn’t imagine these hurts and that you deserve better. A therapist was incredibly helpful to me in sorting out my parent issues, and so was commiserating with my sibling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am late 30s. My dad was an every other weekend dad. He also took me out for dinner most Wednesday nights. The weekends at his house were always uncomfortable because he moved into his wife's house and it very much felt like HER house (even though my dad paid all the bills and she did not work -- this house was the house she had with her ex husband).

It was very obvious that I wasn't wanted there by her on the weekends by the way she acted (huffy and pissed off). She was a neat freak too so I was afraid to even go get a snack out of the pantry, for example. To this day, I can't go to my dad's house without a phone call beforehand. Picture of her grandkids are all throughout the home while picture's of grandkids on my dad's side are not in the house.

I have conversations with my dad sometimes where he will make certain comments that remind me of bad memories/things that happened when I was growing up. It's mostly his insensitivity or the way he is completely out of touch with the way my life is (versus the way he has had it... which is VERY privileged). When these moments happen, it makes me take a step back and really re-evaluate how much I should talk to him. I asked him to call me yesterday and he text me asking what I wanted to talk about. It made me feel like I was a burden and we barely speak as it is. I haven't actually seen him in a few years due to distance. I replied saying I would send him an email because I was out running errands (which I wasn't, but that text made me feel like "forget it"... and it reminded me of how he never really had time for me outside of his scheduled time with me growing up).

I remember a few times when I was growing up where he made is very clear he didn't want to see me anymore than what the divorce agreement outlined. My mom needed to go out of town with my stepdad for a conference. He ended up picking me up for dinner one Wednesday night and angrily said, "Your mom thinks she can just dump you on me whenever she wants and I'm probably going to end up taking her to court for it." I began crying and then he yelled at me to stop crying. I thought at my age I had gotten past these things, but they are still there somewhere and his current behavior reminds me of all of those things.

Hey, fellow parent trauma survivor here.

If it is any solace, your stepmom was probably the same way when you weren't around. Sounds like your dad has accountability/insecurity/communication issues.

Now that you are an adult, first breathe.

You survived.

It is now time to determine what sort of involvement that you want him to have in YOUR life. It is yours to do with what you want. If you desire to build an adult relationship with him and his wife, that is a daunting task that may take a very different approach.

Speak to a therapist, and if that doesnt work, talk to another. Remember that at this point you are the most important one in the dynamic. Protect your heart at all costs.

Sending comfort your way, a fellow survivor.

Thank you, kind stranger. That feels so good to be validated, but I am sorry you also went through trauma with your parents.

I've been thinking about talking to a therapist. I have had a couple not so great experiences with therapists in the past so I am reluctant (nothing awful, but just not feeling like it worked and it takes a lot of time to tell them the back story).

I'm not sure what kind of relationship I want with my dad. I was trying to talk to him more and be more open, but in doing so, I'm back to that space where I feel unsafe again.

I'm so sorry, OP. What you describe sounds so heartbreaking to me. If I ever treat my children like you describe or remain oblivious to the unease and discomfort of my daughter, I honestly would never forgive myself. When I hear stories like this, my thought is let writing be your therapy. Write a best selling book about surviving parent trauma, and do it while your dad still alive and give him the first effing copy. your dad's been remarried For a long time and your stepmother doesn't value you or the grandchildren on your side so from inheritance standpoint my guess is there is absolutely zero that you can count on financially so I say blow it up. Blow the whole relationship up. Too much?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

What's he supposed to do? Never have a relationship again? Only Mom is allowed to have relationships and get remarried.

This is what mom choose. She only allowed every other weekend and occasional dinners. She kept him out of her life so he moved on.

Just quit already with this bs. You post this made up scenario in every thread about divorced parenting and it’s so tiresome. In the real world, there are many
divorced dads that do (at best) the bare minimum in terms of parenting by their own choice. Stop blaming single moms for their crappy ex’s decisions.

Yep. This troll poster has absolutely no life and posts this crap in every single divorce thread. It's been going on for years.
The definition of a loser. What a sad, sorry way to live his life. You need serious therapy, troll.

Thank you!! Probably a dad who is angry he lost custody due to stupid behaviors. He pops up frequently to blame single moms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ha, I could have written this.

My dad got us every Wednesday afternoon until after dinner and every other weekend. My parents also alternated holidays.

I didn't realize how much of a part-time parent he was until I was in middle school. For example, if I told him I had a band concert on a Friday evening that wasn't his Friday and he wouldn't come because "it wasn't his required time." Also as I got older, he seemed relieved if I had plans that prevented me from visiting him on his weekend or took me out of his house for large chunks of time.

He remarried and my stepmom was super petty. She didn't allow anything that they purchased for me or my siblings to leave their house. If we accidentally packed clothes that she'd purchased and took them to our mom's house, we got punished the next weekend when we returned. She also constantly said things like "well, that's why your dad pays your mom $1,200 a month, isn't it?" when I needed something while at their house, like the time I needed a ride to buy a report cover on a Sunday to turn in my report Monday. My dad was golfing and I had to literally beg her to buy it for me because I had no money. She did and then sent me home with the $1.99 receipt so my mom could send money that Wednesday to pay her back.

He and my stepmom are still together. I see them once or twice a year. My stepmom LOVES to post on social media about my or my siblings' accomplishments, though. Like she had a hand in any of it and that drives me crazy. "So proud of my stepdaughter Larla, or should I say Dr. Larla, as she graduated with her doctorate this weekend!" and then she uses a photo she steals from somewhere else to make it look like she was there. I'm convinced she has a fake account and used it to friend my mom because some of the photos she uses are ones posted by my mom only. I wouldn't put it past her at all.

FWIW, I'm a stepmom, and I sometimes post things about my adult stepdaughter's achievements. It is not to try to steal credit for them or make myself look good. It's because I don't want her to feel bad if I don't (like, I only ever post about my son's accomplishments and not his sister's).

I'm not saying your stepmom wasn't and isn't a witch; just providing another perspective as a stepmom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He probably wanted more time but that’s all your mom would allow so he gave up and moved on as there was nothing he could do about it. So yes if your mom only allowed that schedule and then she wanted to go out of town she needed to make arrangements.

This is what your mom choose for you.

No

He wasn’t a real parent when married with kids. He wasn’t a real parent when divorced. He isn’t a real parent when remarried with adult kids.

Can’t believe a parent wouldn’t take a call from their adult kid want to talk, about anything. I’m so sorry he pesters any request like that.

Mental disorders or not, just detach. He cannot or will not foster a real relationship. That’s sad but happens. I had to mourn the lack of a real father and role model, due to his aspergers and bipolar a long time. My sister still latches on to “male attention” in unhealthy ways. We were essentially neglected by him and continue to be.

This.

My father just has some cartoonish idea of what a father is entitled to, yet does nothing.

As kids we were supposed to be fine with being ignored most of the weekend and weekdays by him. Then suddenly, once a week, he’d force a playtime or bad questions for 5 mins, then disappear again to read or nap or work.

After the divorce he was the same. Here’s breakfast, then walk off. Half the time we never ate it, he didn’t care and he never sat with us before school to talk or eat. Same with dinner.

In adult like he’s the same Check-the-Box. He’ll call out of obligation or tell me or my sister too. Yet he’ll have nothing to say or ask. It’s all so forced. He talks about himself, his new Apple Watch or some space launch. We tried vacations together but he just sits by himself and we children would have to plan the day.

He doesn’t know anything about us as people or our lives, he never did though. Not when they were married in the same home, not when divorced and coparenting, not now that we’re adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women put kids first. Men put sex first. Whoever the sex is coming from therefore comes before kids.

Not all men are this way but most divorced men are this way.

OP here. My mom remarried wealthy doctor (it's weird because he was actually our family doctor for myself and siblings). She ended up putting him and HIS kids first. Both of my parents ending up putting their spouses and spouses' kids first. Sometimes I feel like an idiot when I call my dad because I momentarily forget that he has a whole other family he's way more invested in than me -- including his "grandchildren" that are the kids of his wife's kids (it feels weird to call them my step siblings as there is literally no relationship there). So in my mom's case, wherever the money is coming from comes first.

Were you a difficult child in any way? SN?
I have seen this happen with kids their parents thought didn’t turn out the way they expected. It’s cruel but unfortunately it happens

Nope. I'm adopted (at 2)... I was always quiet, made good grades, did not do drugs/drink/have sex or any of that. I was involved in extracurriculars... my grades in high school math/science could have been better. I talked back to my mom and didn't like to go to my dad's on the weekends because of his wife. That's the extent of my difficult-ness as a child.

Thank you for responding… I am sorry your parents are jerks… did they have any biological kids with their new partners?

I’m not OP but my parents both died so had an aunt adopt me. She never felt like “mom” and once she got drunk and said “if I ever had my own real kids. I mean you aren’t my kids!” That hurt and stayed with me. I still remember it as an adult. She was abusive too.

People who don’t think adopted kids are their own kids or grandkids are POS. End of story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She kept him out of her life so he moved on.

Implausible that that was the cause of his disengagement, but if true, what a weak character he must have had.

What is he to do?

Well start with acting like he wanted to be around his kid. Did you not read the op?

[Anonymous]

My best friend growing up had 2 little brothers who were not bad kids but were wild. Loud. Constantly wrestling, in trouble at school for being too extra (severe ADHD, unmanaged). I remember their dad driving all 3 of them home after just a few hours of their court ordered custody weekends. My friend was so upset "he couldn't handle the boys." What a jerk. The boys are good successful men now and none of them have a relationship with their dad. And of course the dad is just so perplexed about why they don't visit him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He probably wanted more time but that’s all your mom would allow so he gave up and moved on as there was nothing he could do about it. So yes if your mom only allowed that schedule and then she wanted to go out of town she needed to make arrangements.

This is what your mom choose for you.

Olympic level contortionist above. How you get that from op's posts...

Op, I'm sorry you experienced this. The sheer pettiness and those two is horrible. My kids have friends who deal with this type of thing. When I grew up only one friend had parents who divorced and it was horrible. I know several kids now who have divorced parents who deal with this type of childish behavior. People can be horrible. I always think of that saying that if you're a parent who is divorcing you have to love your children more than you hate your soon to be ex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He probably wanted more time but that’s all your mom would allow so he gave up and moved on as there was nothing he could do about it. So yes if your mom only allowed that schedule and then she wanted to go out of town she needed to make arrangements.

This is what your mom choose for you.

Not OP, but stop it with that! I've seen more than one dad (friends' ex-Hs too) move one once a new woman was involved.

What's he supposed to do? Never have a relationship again? Only Mom is allowed to have relationships and get remarried.

This is what mom choose. She only allowed every other weekend and occasional dinners. She kept him out of her life so he moved on.

What an immature provincial response. Did you grow up isolated? It's perfectly fine for dad to remarry and have more kids if he wants but it's utterly horrible to abandon your children because you hate your ex. Only a loser stops trying with his/her children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Women put kids first. Men put sex first. Whoever the sex is coming from therefore comes before kids.

Not all men are this way but most divorced men are this way.

This is only true of men who were raised to be self centered asshats. They were raised that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every other weekend kid here (starting at age 4). Also had a step mom come along who really didn’t like children at all. I hated those weekend visits. Unfortunately, my mother is unstable, so home wasn’t much better. I haven’t heard from my dad in 20+ years. I’m in my 40s now. I have a hard time when my kids ask questions about my childhood. I feel like I’ve tried to forget so much, and when those memories come flooding back, it’s just hard. I’m grateful for the life I have with my husband and kids, and I’m so glad they’re in a much more stable environment. My dad is still alive. He won’t speak to me because I didn’t ask him to walk me down the aisle when I got married…but he’d been absent for so many years, with maybe a phone call once or twice a year before my engagement..I never would have thought he’d be interested.

I’m sorry this is a jumble. Reading these posts brought up a lot of feelings. I hope everyone posting has found a way to heal.❤️

Your father is presumptuous and entitled.

Yep. He hated the fact that pp didn't play along and pretend he was a great father.