If you had an every other weekend parent growing up, what is your relationship like with them now?

[Anonymous]

This isn’t a function of the custody schedule. Your dad abandoned you, then he did the bare minimum to not have to face any personal or social accountability.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the opposite - I lived full time with my mom but my relationship with her now is very limited.

My parents didn't divorce until I was almost 12 so I really understood how vindictive my mom was throughout the process. She comes from money and her parents hired an excellent divorce attorney for her. She and my dad were both teachers and had limited incomes, so his lawyer wasn't that great. My mom's attorney drew out the process to essentially bankrupt my dad. It got to the point where he could no longer afford to fight her. He had to settle with every other weekend.

My mom constantly said snarky things about my dad and bad mouthed him in front of me. She got mad at me if I tried to defend him. He was living in a crappy apartment in a so-so neighborhood and she used to make me strip in the garage when we got home so I wouldn't bring "filthy roaches from your dad's crack den" back to her house. My dad didn't have a any roaches that I saw or a drug problem. She was just stereotyping based on the neighborhood.

One time I forgot my textbook at his house on a Sunday evening and she had to drive me back to get it. The whole way back to his place she kept saying things like "let's see how much you love living in the ghetto when I get killed going back at night and you have to live with him!" and "you have about 3 minutes to get in there and get that book and get back in this car before one of us gets raped."

I'm really close with my dad. We see each other weekly and text almost daily. My mom and I see each other on Christmas and birthdays.

I feel so bad for all of you who went through this. Your mom is really something, PP. I love that you’re close to your dad. I hope he was able to find some financial security eventually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the opposite - I lived full time with my mom but my relationship with her now is very limited.

My parents didn't divorce until I was almost 12 so I really understood how vindictive my mom was throughout the process. She comes from money and her parents hired an excellent divorce attorney for her. She and my dad were both teachers and had limited incomes, so his lawyer wasn't that great. My mom's attorney drew out the process to essentially bankrupt my dad. It got to the point where he could no longer afford to fight her. He had to settle with every other weekend.

My mom constantly said snarky things about my dad and bad mouthed him in front of me. She got mad at me if I tried to defend him. He was living in a crappy apartment in a so-so neighborhood and she used to make me strip in the garage when we got home so I wouldn't bring "filthy roaches from your dad's crack den" back to her house. My dad didn't have a any roaches that I saw or a drug problem. She was just stereotyping based on the neighborhood.

One time I forgot my textbook at his house on a Sunday evening and she had to drive me back to get it. The whole way back to his place she kept saying things like "let's see how much you love living in the ghetto when I get killed going back at night and you have to live with him!" and "you have about 3 minutes to get in there and get that book and get back in this car before one of us gets raped."

I'm really close with my dad. We see each other weekly and text almost daily. My mom and I see each other on Christmas and birthdays.

As someone whose former spouse employed the tactics your mother did, and as a result have limited time with my kids, this post heartens me. I’m sorry you went through that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women put kids first. Men put sex first. Whoever the sex is coming from therefore comes before kids.

Not all men are this way but most divorced men are this way.

OP here. My mom remarried wealthy doctor (it's weird because he was actually our family doctor for myself and siblings). She ended up putting him and HIS kids first. Both of my parents ending up putting their spouses and spouses' kids first. Sometimes I feel like an idiot when I call my dad because I momentarily forget that he has a whole other family he's way more invested in than me -- including his "grandchildren" that are the kids of his wife's kids (it feels weird to call them my step siblings as there is literally no relationship there). So in my mom's case, wherever the money is coming from comes first.

Right well that also happens. Women do usually prioritize whoever is supporting them. Most men want to come first so that puts remarried mothers in a bind. It’s extremely rare to meet a man for whom a woman putting kids first is not a problem.

I’m remarried with two kids from my first marriage, and my husband has always assumed, expected, and supported me putting my kids first.

[Anonymous]

Stop making moms who are not great parents to be saints. If one parent restricts contact to the other, what do you think happens. This is why men are not involved. Moms like you.

Except the reality is that the vast majority of moms don’t restrict contact, and the dads just don’t out in the effort.

I have four kids that live with me full-time, along with their very involved dad (my husband), but nice try. I am not blind to what I see happen around me all the time, though, like you are.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry OP. What your Dad did to you was horrible. I think you should stop talking to him for a while. Does he even bring anything positive to your life?

I hope your Mom and stepfather are much better to you. God bless you.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry for OP’s experience. With all the sad examples on this thread I just wanted to say it can work out fine. I saw my dad every other weekend and one night a week. He married a woman who already had kids. I loved going to the chaos at their house, and I loved going back to the calm at my mom’s house. There were occasional tensions, but overall I had a happy childhood. I’m close to both my parents (and my stepmom) now with regular calls and visits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This isn’t a function of the custody schedule. Your dad abandoned you, then he did the bare minimum to not have to face any personal or social accountability.

This.

Good parents don't settle for periodic parenting. Good parents are very present. Think: conscious uncoupling and coparenting.

Have you ever told your dad how you feel?

"Dad, while we can't rewrite history or undo what has happened, the reality is that I really haven't felt like a priority in your life. In fact, I've felt like a burden. I'm a big girl now and I really don't require much attention, but it hurts that you don't have pictures of our family in your home and it is noticeable that I'm the only one who reaches out. I would love it if you would call or text every once in a while--it would demonstrate that you care about me and want a relationship. I honestly feel like if I stopped reaching out, I would never hear from you again."

Some people suck. Some people are very selfish and simply aren't equipped to invest time in others the way normal people do.

My advice is to determine if you want a relationship with him--and if you do, then you need to share your feelings and then accept him as he is...because you can't change a person. He might change on his own after hearing from you. Even if he doesn't, it's up to you to decide if you still want a relationship. I think relationships are so much easier when you accept people's limitations and manage your own expectations. Sometimes a halfway decent relationship is better than nothing at all. That's for you to decide.

[Anonymous]

NP. Started off with an EOW arrangement for myself and two siblings starting when I was 8. Within a year, Dad moved to California to be with his AP/then wife. It didn't bother me as a kid/teenager - it was so cool to get to go to California a week each summer, and he'd visit 2-3 times a year. Now as an adult with three kids of my own, I'd be devastated if my DH moved across the country in the event of our divorce. My dad absolutely bailed on the three of us. He never went to a single sporting event or school play, never knew our teachers or friends. Didn't go on college tours, know when our little dramas happened, etc. But he would be front row for the big ticket events like HS and college graduation, for the appearance of being the stellar dad. We are not close now and he can't understand why -- It took me to 40 yo to understand the hurt and anger I've carried with me for years. Even now, on the infrequent occasion in which we do speak, he will tell me that he thinks about me every day. Sure...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am so sorry for OP’s experience. With all the sad examples on this thread I just wanted to say it can work out fine. I saw my dad every other weekend and one night a week. He married a woman who already had kids. I loved going to the chaos at their house, and I loved going back to the calm at my mom’s house. There were occasional tensions, but overall I had a happy childhood. I’m close to both my parents (and my stepmom) now with regular calls and visits.

Aw. This is nice. I would actually really like that for my DS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She kept him out of her life so he moved on.

Implausible that that was the cause of his disengagement, but if true, what a weak character he must have had.

Oh get lost with this victim blaming bs "oh it's implausible that she got raped, but if true she must've definitely been asking for it". That's precisely how you sound. Some things are out of people's hands

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He probably wanted more time but that’s all your mom would allow so he gave up and moved on as there was nothing he could do about it. So yes if your mom only allowed that schedule and then she wanted to go out of town she needed to make arrangements.

This is what your mom choose for you.

No one with a brain believes this tired MRA BS no matter how many times you post it. And don’t bother with “I’m a woman,” because it’s irrelevant.

Why is it that men don’t get to have any feelings though?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women put kids first. Men put sex first. Whoever the sex is coming from therefore comes before kids.

Not all men are this way but most divorced men are this way.

OP here. My mom remarried wealthy doctor (it's weird because he was actually our family doctor for myself and siblings). She ended up putting him and HIS kids first. Both of my parents ending up putting their spouses and spouses' kids first. Sometimes I feel like an idiot when I call my dad because I momentarily forget that he has a whole other family he's way more invested in than me -- including his "grandchildren" that are the kids of his wife's kids (it feels weird to call them my step siblings as there is literally no relationship there). So in my mom's case, wherever the money is coming from comes first.

Sadly, this is my experience as well in more than a few cases

[Anonymous]

Oh OP, I am so sorry. That sounds terribly painful. No advice, just hugs and sympathy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He probably wanted more time but that’s all your mom would allow so he gave up and moved on as there was nothing he could do about it. So yes if your mom only allowed that schedule and then she wanted to go out of town she needed to make arrangements.

This is what your mom choose for you.

Not OP, but stop it with that! I've seen more than one dad (friends' ex-Hs too) move one once a new woman was involved.

What's he supposed to do? Never have a relationship again? Only Mom is allowed to have relationships and get remarried.

This is what mom choose. She only allowed every other weekend and occasional dinners. She kept him out of her life so he moved on.

You are projecting.

Yes, all are allowed new romantic relationships. But you never, ever treat your kid like a burder, or allow your partner to do so. FFS