If you had an every other weekend parent growing up, what is your relationship like with them now?

[Anonymous]

I am late 30s. My dad was an every other weekend dad. He also took me out for dinner most Wednesday nights. The weekends at his house were always uncomfortable because he moved into his wife's house and it very much felt like HER house (even though my dad paid all the bills and she did not work -- this house was the house she had with her ex husband).

It was very obvious that I wasn't wanted there by her on the weekends by the way she acted (huffy and pissed off). She was a neat freak too so I was afraid to even go get a snack out of the pantry, for example. To this day, I can't go to my dad's house without a phone call beforehand. Picture of her grandkids are all throughout the home while picture's of grandkids on my dad's side are not in the house.

I have conversations with my dad sometimes where he will make certain comments that remind me of bad memories/things that happened when I was growing up. It's mostly his insensitivity or the way he is completely out of touch with the way my life is (versus the way he has had it... which is VERY privileged). When these moments happen, it makes me take a step back and really re-evaluate how much I should talk to him. I asked him to call me yesterday and he text me asking what I wanted to talk about. It made me feel like I was a burden and we barely speak as it is. I haven't actually seen him in a few years due to distance. I replied saying I would send him an email because I was out running errands (which I wasn't, but that text made me feel like "forget it"... and it reminded me of how he never really had time for me outside of his scheduled time with me growing up).

I remember a few times when I was growing up where he made is very clear he didn't want to see me anymore than what the divorce agreement outlined. My mom needed to go out of town with my stepdad for a conference. He ended up picking me up for dinner one Wednesday night and angrily said, "Your mom thinks she can just dump you on me whenever she wants and I'm probably going to end up taking her to court for it." I began crying and then he yelled at me to stop crying. I thought at my age I had gotten past these things, but they are still there somewhere and his current behavior reminds me of all of those things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am late 30s. My dad was an every other weekend dad. He also took me out for dinner most Wednesday nights. The weekends at his house were always uncomfortable because he moved into his wife's house and it very much felt like HER house (even though my dad paid all the bills and she did not work -- this house was the house she had with her ex husband).

It was very obvious that I wasn't wanted there by her on the weekends by the way she acted (huffy and pissed off). She was a neat freak too so I was afraid to even go get a snack out of the pantry, for example. To this day, I can't go to my dad's house without a phone call beforehand. Picture of her grandkids are all throughout the home while picture's of grandkids on my dad's side are not in the house.

I have conversations with my dad sometimes where he will make certain comments that remind me of bad memories/things that happened when I was growing up. It's mostly his insensitivity or the way he is completely out of touch with the way my life is (versus the way he has had it... which is VERY privileged). When these moments happen, it makes me take a step back and really re-evaluate how much I should talk to him. I asked him to call me yesterday and he text me asking what I wanted to talk about. It made me feel like I was a burden and we barely speak as it is. I haven't actually seen him in a few years due to distance. I replied saying I would send him an email because I was out running errands (which I wasn't, but that text made me feel like "forget it"... and it reminded me of how he never really had time for me outside of his scheduled time with me growing up).

I remember a few times when I was growing up where he made is very clear he didn't want to see me anymore than what the divorce agreement outlined. My mom needed to go out of town with my stepdad for a conference. He ended up picking me up for dinner one Wednesday night and angrily said, "Your mom thinks she can just dump you on me whenever she wants and I'm probably going to end up taking her to court for it." I began crying and then he yelled at me to stop crying. I thought at my age I had gotten past these things, but they are still there somewhere and his current behavior reminds me of all of those things.

Hey, fellow parent trauma survivor here.

If it is any solace, your stepmom was probably the same way when you weren't around. Sounds like your dad has accountability/insecurity/communication issues.

Now that you are an adult, first breathe.

You survived.

It is now time to determine what sort of involvement that you want him to have in YOUR life. It is yours to do with what you want. If you desire to build an adult relationship with him and his wife, that is a daunting task that may take a very different approach.

Speak to a therapist, and if that doesnt work, talk to another. Remember that at this point you are the most important one in the dynamic. Protect your heart at all costs.

Sending comfort your way, a fellow survivor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am late 30s. My dad was an every other weekend dad. He also took me out for dinner most Wednesday nights. The weekends at his house were always uncomfortable because he moved into his wife's house and it very much felt like HER house (even though my dad paid all the bills and she did not work -- this house was the house she had with her ex husband).

It was very obvious that I wasn't wanted there by her on the weekends by the way she acted (huffy and pissed off). She was a neat freak too so I was afraid to even go get a snack out of the pantry, for example. To this day, I can't go to my dad's house without a phone call beforehand. Picture of her grandkids are all throughout the home while picture's of grandkids on my dad's side are not in the house.

I have conversations with my dad sometimes where he will make certain comments that remind me of bad memories/things that happened when I was growing up. It's mostly his insensitivity or the way he is completely out of touch with the way my life is (versus the way he has had it... which is VERY privileged). When these moments happen, it makes me take a step back and really re-evaluate how much I should talk to him. I asked him to call me yesterday and he text me asking what I wanted to talk about. It made me feel like I was a burden and we barely speak as it is. I haven't actually seen him in a few years due to distance. I replied saying I would send him an email because I was out running errands (which I wasn't, but that text made me feel like "forget it"... and it reminded me of how he never really had time for me outside of his scheduled time with me growing up).

I remember a few times when I was growing up where he made is very clear he didn't want to see me anymore than what the divorce agreement outlined. My mom needed to go out of town with my stepdad for a conference. He ended up picking me up for dinner one Wednesday night and angrily said, "Your mom thinks she can just dump you on me whenever she wants and I'm probably going to end up taking her to court for it." I began crying and then he yelled at me to stop crying. I thought at my age I had gotten past these things, but they are still there somewhere and his current behavior reminds me of all of those things.

Hey, fellow parent trauma survivor here.

If it is any solace, your stepmom was probably the same way when you weren't around. Sounds like your dad has accountability/insecurity/communication issues.

Now that you are an adult, first breathe.

You survived.

It is now time to determine what sort of involvement that you want him to have in YOUR life. It is yours to do with what you want. If you desire to build an adult relationship with him and his wife, that is a daunting task that may take a very different approach.

Speak to a therapist, and if that doesnt work, talk to another. Remember that at this point you are the most important one in the dynamic. Protect your heart at all costs.

Sending comfort your way, a fellow survivor.

Thank you, kind stranger. That feels so good to be validated, but I am sorry you also went through trauma with your parents.

I've been thinking about talking to a therapist. I have had a couple not so great experiences with therapists in the past so I am reluctant (nothing awful, but just not feeling like it worked and it takes a lot of time to tell them the back story).

I'm not sure what kind of relationship I want with my dad. I was trying to talk to him more and be more open, but in doing so, I'm back to that space where I feel unsafe again.

[Anonymous]

Ha, I could have written this.

My dad got us every Wednesday afternoon until after dinner and every other weekend. My parents also alternated holidays.

I didn't realize how much of a part-time parent he was until I was in middle school. For example, if I told him I had a band concert on a Friday evening that wasn't his Friday and he wouldn't come because "it wasn't his required time." Also as I got older, he seemed relieved if I had plans that prevented me from visiting him on his weekend or took me out of his house for large chunks of time.

He remarried and my stepmom was super petty. She didn't allow anything that they purchased for me or my siblings to leave their house. If we accidentally packed clothes that she'd purchased and took them to our mom's house, we got punished the next weekend when we returned. She also constantly said things like "well, that's why your dad pays your mom $1,200 a month, isn't it?" when I needed something while at their house, like the time I needed a ride to buy a report cover on a Sunday to turn in my report Monday. My dad was golfing and I had to literally beg her to buy it for me because I had no money. She did and then sent me home with the $1.99 receipt so my mom could send money that Wednesday to pay her back.

He and my stepmom are still together. I see them once or twice a year. My stepmom LOVES to post on social media about my or my siblings' accomplishments, though. Like she had a hand in any of it and that drives me crazy. "So proud of my stepdaughter Larla, or should I say Dr. Larla, as she graduated with her doctorate this weekend!" and then she uses a photo she steals from somewhere else to make it look like she was there. I'm convinced she has a fake account and used it to friend my mom because some of the photos she uses are ones posted by my mom only. I wouldn't put it past her at all.

[Anonymous]

I’m really sorry, OP. For what it is worth, I think if what you feel you need is to write him a letter telling him how he has hurt you, that would be worthwhile. (As long as you are comfortable with the chips falling as they may.) If you feel you no longer want to communicate with him, you would be 100% justified in that.

I’m really sorry. You deserved better. You can choose to surround yourself only with family and friends who are there for you and who know how to give and receive love. That is OK. I wish you peace, and I wish there was something I could do to ease your pain. I admire you for your strength, and for your vulnerability. You have a heart that longs for love and warmth and acceptance, and that is such a beautiful thing. Not everyone has a heart like that. You are a treasure!

[Anonymous]

He probably wanted more time but that’s all your mom would allow so he gave up and moved on as there was nothing he could do about it. So yes if your mom only allowed that schedule and then she wanted to go out of town she needed to make arrangements.

This is what your mom choose for you.

[Anonymous]

OP, you did not deserve to be treated like that.

I was with my dad one night per week and EOW. We have a good but slightly distant relationship. We talk on the phone once a week and we see each other regularly.

My dad is pretty aloof by nature, which is partially why my parents marriage failed (my mom needs attention). I think even if my dad had more parenting time, we would still be a little distant.

[Anonymous]

How is your relationship with mom, and do you have friends/SO?
It just sounds strange to me when a 30+ yo person asks their parent to call. I can imagine the other way around though
Sorry you have your traumas
It sometimes happens that the child is not like their parent/not like the parent expected and so there’s no close relationship, maybe that’s your case. Shouldn’t be like that but we are all human
My best advice is for you to distance yourself from dad, get therapy and find other interests/friends

[Anonymous]

"I can't go to my dad's house without a phone call beforehand."


This was me (and my siblings) once Dad got remarried. It went from years of "have a key" open door policy to "call us first."

A couple of years later, they had a kid and 2nd wife convinced him to take an job opportunity in the Midwest. We were in college and HS by then.

The few visits a year were uncomfortable as you describe, and then further apart until nonexistent unless part of a business trip East. Nearly 2 decades later, none of us have a relationship with them, or their daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He probably wanted more time but that’s all your mom would allow so he gave up and moved on as there was nothing he could do about it. So yes if your mom only allowed that schedule and then she wanted to go out of town she needed to make arrangements.

This is what your mom choose for you.

Not OP, but stop it with that! I've seen more than one dad (friends' ex-Hs too) move one once a new woman was involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He probably wanted more time but that’s all your mom would allow so he gave up and moved on as there was nothing he could do about it. So yes if your mom only allowed that schedule and then she wanted to go out of town she needed to make arrangements.

This is what your mom choose for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He probably wanted more time but that’s all your mom would allow so he gave up and moved on as there was nothing he could do about it. So yes if your mom only allowed that schedule and then she wanted to go out of town she needed to make arrangements.

This is what your mom choose for you.

Not OP, but stop it with that! I've seen more than one dad (friends' ex-Hs too) move one once a new woman was involved.

What's he supposed to do? Never have a relationship again? Only Mom is allowed to have relationships and get remarried.

This is what mom choose. She only allowed every other weekend and occasional dinners. She kept him out of her life so he moved on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He probably wanted more time but that’s all your mom would allow so he gave up and moved on as there was nothing he could do about it. So yes if your mom only allowed that schedule and then she wanted to go out of town she needed to make arrangements.

This is what your mom choose for you.

Not OP, but stop it with that! I've seen more than one dad (friends' ex-Hs too) move one once a new woman was involved.

My mom got a new partner and excludes us from everything. She prefers her boyfriend's grandkids to her own. It happens but in this situation Dad didn't have custody or much contact so the bond was broken after the divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I can't go to my dad's house without a phone call beforehand."


This was me (and my siblings) once Dad got remarried. It went from years of "have a key" open door policy to "call us first."

A couple of years later, they had a kid and 2nd wife convinced him to take an job opportunity in the Midwest. We were in college and HS by then.

The few visits a year were uncomfortable as you describe, and then further apart until nonexistent unless part of a business trip East. Nearly 2 decades later, none of us have a relationship with them, or their daughter.

I live close to my mom and I haven't been to her house in years. You should call before you go over. How is that an issue?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He probably wanted more time but that’s all your mom would allow so he gave up and moved on as there was nothing he could do about it. So yes if your mom only allowed that schedule and then she wanted to go out of town she needed to make arrangements.

This is what your mom choose for you.

No one with a brain believes this tired MRA BS no matter how many times you post it. And don’t bother with “I’m a woman,” because it’s irrelevant.