If your spouse doesn't cook, or clean, how do you make peace?

[Anonymous]

I run most aspects of our family life. My DH earns the money, cooks, spends time with kids, and basically leaves everything to me.
I outsource lots of domestic chores and hire, manage and supervise staff. Both of us put our kids first, so childcare was one thing we did not outsource. I took/take care of my kids education, career planning etc. I also had a cleaning crew come twice a week for years but I dropped them in 2020. I do laundry and cleaning now.

We love the way our lives have turned out. We are financially comfortable now, but our standard of living has always been the same so for us life has been smooth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn't. I divorced.

Same here!

[Anonymous]

Cereal for dinner. Yum!

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who was in this situation. She quit working so she wouldn’t feel like she was doing everything. They don’t have as much money, but they are happier. She doesn’t feel bitter that she is working all day in and out of the house. I used to think it was crazy, but I’m not nearly as ambitious as I used to be. I would not feel bad taking that deal if it meant less stress and a happier marriage. On the flip side, maybe the threat of quitting would make him do more.

[Anonymous]

He takes care of the kids while I do both. Otherwise I would not be cool.

[Anonymous]

When I married my husband 25 years ago he only can boil spaghettis and cook an omelet. He wasn't even grilling the food like most guys would do. We had a live-in-made for years when kids were young and I did most of the cooking with her help (I love to cook, but I have very demanding job, so she would help with grocery shopping, prepping everything, and cleaning while I am cooking). Our kids are grown up now (college and HS age) and they cook a lot too, so we let our maid go. Surprisingly, because H so got used to home made meals during all these years, he stepped up. Now he cooks various Thai dishes, soups, fish (and he does not even eat fish, but he would cook it for us), and some of them very complex elaborated meals. So, don't under estimate your partner! All the advised about divorce are really too much. There are numerous ways to solve this issue if he is otherwise a great man and father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Btw OP you don’t really work part time… 3 12 hour shifts is full time for a nurse - is that what you are? I would not devalue the amount of paid work you’re doing by saying you’re part time.

exactly this!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I run most aspects of our family life. My DH earns the money, cooks, spends time with kids, and basically leaves everything to me.
I outsource lots of domestic chores and hire, manage and supervise staff. Both of us put our kids first, so childcare was one thing we did not outsource. I took/take care of my kids education, career planning etc. I also had a cleaning crew come twice a week for years but I dropped them in 2020. I do laundry and cleaning now.

We love the way our lives have turned out. We are financially comfortable now, but our standard of living has always been the same so for us life has been smooth.

Good for you🙄

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. One person is gluten free. The husband only eats kosher meat. It's a pain in the ass. Kosher place is far away. It takes an hour to drive there and they only have chicken.

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[Anonymous]

My kids are 10 years older than yours, and even in that short amount of time, gender roles have really changed. I dealt with it because, at the time my kids were little, most women did nearly all of the cooking and cleaning. DH and I are both doctors, and our medical school class was nearly half women, but even so, nearly all of the married women I knew, even those married to men who earned far less (police officer, firefighter, etc), did most or all of the cooking and cleaning.
And women, even physicians, were proud of being good homemakers, cooking from scratch, decorating and taking care of their homes, etc.

I don’t think I would be able to tolerate it now. I would feel like a chump rushing home every day to cook, preschoolers in tow, while all of my friends only took on half of the domestic tasks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d make a family dinner 3x a week only.

I’d make the kids, kids food the other 4… pasta with butter, nuggets, Pb&J … low clean up items.

I would not cook for my H more than 3x a week

Pasta, nuggets, etc. require literally no more effort to add an extra portion for the husband, but your solution for the OP is to deliberately and spitefully exclude this portion for her husband. Geez, no wonder there are so many divorces on DCUM. Presumably, the H is contributing in ways that make it preferable to continue the marriage (e.g., bringing in an income) -- and the OP said she wants to make peace -- but, sure, spitefully starving her husband sounds like the way to go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. One person is gluten free. The husband only eats kosher meat. It's a pain in the ass. Kosher place is far away. It takes an hour to drive there and they only have chicken.

Spouse who required special or limited diet should be responsible for buying his/her own grocery. You cook what works for the rest of the family.

[Anonymous]

Yes - when your kids are 3 and 7 why not have sandwiches for dinner with carrot sticks. When mine were that age, we had "picnic dinner" at least once a week - fruit, carrots, cheese sticks, and sandwich stuff - or "breakfast for dinner" - cereal or scrambled eggs with toast, fruit. They enjoyed the "treat" and theme and I did way less work. Hell, a frozen pizza is fine also.

Stop feeling obligated to make a full meal.

[Anonymous]

We outsource a ton and now he cooks and shops for himself because I quit doing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids are 10 years older than yours, and even in that short amount of time, gender roles have really changed. I dealt with it because, at the time my kids were little, most women did nearly all of the cooking and cleaning. DH and I are both doctors, and our medical school class was nearly half women, but even so, nearly all of the married women I knew, even those married to men who earned far less (police officer, firefighter, etc), did most or all of the cooking and cleaning.
And women, even physicians, were proud of being good homemakers, cooking from scratch, decorating and taking care of their homes, etc.

I don’t think I would be able to tolerate it now. I would feel like a chump rushing home every day to cook, preschoolers in tow, while all of my friends only took on half of the domestic tasks.

My sister said exactly the same thing. Different generational expectations. She still makes dinner from scratch for her DH every night.