8 student deaths so far this year at NC State

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our kids are pushed, pushed, pushed in K-12. Pushed hard, everything is so serious, one "C" on a high school report card and their chances are over. There is zero room for failure. College is everything, it is the goal.

We place all this pressure on our kids' shoulders and then they get to college and think...this is it? This is what I worked so dang hard for? Who am I? Am I more than an amalgamation of stats on a spreadsheet? Why isn't the college experience as fulfilling as everyone always told me it would be? Is this what I really want, or is it what my parents really want? If I don't want it, how do I tell them? Because I am not happy.

Ding, ding, ding.

We had a parent on here last week who said "my overachieving son was shut out of top 30 schools last year. He is now a VERY HAPPY freshman at his current school. Should I be pushing him to transfer?

The parent is lucky her kid is still alive. Her thinking is insane.

The kid complained about not being challenged at his current school. The parent was right to be concerned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parents allow electronics, teachers, daycare workers, Nannie’s, and coaches to raise their children, then expect them to be able to handle the stress and changes that come with college. They give them cell phones at 8 or 10 and that device quickly shuts out the parenting capabilities even more. They send them to schools that don’t even use textbooks and expect them to handle college life with note taking, writing, studying and reading from actual books and professional publications is often a requirement. They coddle them and cater to their every whim, claiming little Suzy doesn’t have time for learning how to cook, clean, do chores, plan a menu, learn finances because she has sooooo many activities. They don’t prepare them for the real world, too much coddling and not enough actual parenting. Then they get out on their own and lack basic skills and now college seems so much more difficult because someone missed how to adult 101 during the first 18 years of life.

I see this from the opposite side. With school standards that are developmentally unreasonable for many kids beginning at a young age and schools focused on "college and career readiness," the role of grades and testing looms large over kids. Their adult monitored activities consume their lives, leaving little time for free play. There's little time, inside and out of school, for free play - barely any recess. Teachers have increasingly been held to impossible standards and not given sufficient autonomy, which causes them to push back on students and their parents when adequate progress isn't being made. We also shifted to an ideal of intensive parenting, where parents are expected to cultivate their kids' lives, monitoring and supervising every minute. You can't blame parents for doing exactly what society tells them to do.

Look at this forum and the contradictory messages.

DCUM: You need to stop coddling your children and let them fail.

Also DCUM: If your children fail, it is evidence that you are a terrible parent.

Also DCUM: I'm a hiring manager, and I only hire students from top schools students with GPAs above 3.0.

We didn't coddle kids too much; we collectively deprived them of the unstructured experience of childhood where they could socialize without adult interference, make low-stakes mistakes, and learn how to problem-solve on their own. With college and career readiness school standards, we pushed adult ideas on them when they weren't ready, while we (both parents, teachers, coaches, etc.) modeled a stressed-out adult existence that no one would voluntarily choose. Many kids haven't had the experience to figure out who they are, which is exacerbated by the pandemic. They have been taught to focus too much on achieving goals, often by winning the approval of adults, and not enough on developing human connections. Social media exacerbates this problem.

Resilience isn't developed through failure and adversity alone. Resilient kids need support to try and fail and the strength to get up and try again. In this fractured world, many of them are terrified of making even a minor mistake because we taught them that their entire future depends on adhering to a particular path that doesn't include missteps or failure of any kind. Fear and anxiety are controlling their lives, which is why they have trouble forming the relationships that would help them become more resilient.

My personal favorite: I didn't marry for money, DH/DW was struggling when I met them but on the path the make hundreds of thousands. The message is pretty clear that if you want to be desired you better be on that path. Look through any of the relationship threads about what makes a partner eligible, even people who say they didn't care about money are quick to throw in qualifiers about how the future spouse was on the path to making money.

That is my favorite too. It's a dcum classic: a SAHM who married her husband when he was broke but is now making 500k. UMC people are sending the message to their children that sons must excel to become rich breadwinners and girls must be beautiful and smart enough to go to a good school and catch a rich husband. That's what I learned about upper-class white people in this area! I'm an immigrant so it was fascinating to me to realize this after years of reading dcum.

THIS is 100% what it is ALL about for many (although not all) UMC families. Signed a UMC mom that didn't grow up that way, but now sees how the system works. A rich 'not weird" husband or wife from a "non weird" family is the prize of many circles. This is why greek life continues to thrive.

[Anonymous]

Did anyone read the article?

The student died by natural causes.

NC State is not a high-pressure cooker. Yes there are a few from the suburb's parents etc..

We know it well, particularly the eng/CS school.

Any kid from the DMV academics are beyond better than NC State in-state students.

[Anonymous]

NC State is very much a pressure cooker, and students who attend NCSU are very good students. Get a grip that they aren’t equal to NOVA kids. Have you even been to the Raleigh area? NC is one of the fastest growing states in the USA; unlike the state of Virginia.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NC State is very much a pressure cooker, and students who attend NCSU are very good students. Get a grip that they aren’t equal to NOVA kids. Have you even been to the Raleigh area? NC is one of the fastest growing states in the USA; unlike the state of Virginia.

Agree, students at NC State are extremely smart and motivated. The school is filled with high achieving Math, Science and Engineering majors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most of those deaths were natural causes please be careful when talking about this

Are you referring to the 8 deaths at NC State ?

Yes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Suicide is a social contagion, which is why there can be clusters among young people.

Social media is definitely causing a mental health crisis among young people. I believe gaming is also a huge issue - especially among young men who become addicted to it, and they lose any desire to interact in the real world which is much more boring.

It seems to me that suicide has become more "acceptable" in recent years, and almost glamorized. That makes it more appealing to a young person in crisis, who feels worthless. They can fantasize about how they will be the center of attention and loved, even if it only happens after they've died. JMO

I feel differently about gaming. It’s a type of free play that boys do together.

WHAT?! Gaming might be the most toxic of all - it completely destroys a person’s natural relationship with dopamine. I believe it’s almost single-handedly responsible for the crisis of young men being unable to make it to college or even out of their parents’ basement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
That is my favorite too. It's a dcum classic: a SAHM who married her husband when he was broke but is now making 500k. UMC people are sending the message to their children that sons must excel to become rich breadwinners and girls must be beautiful and smart enough to go to a good school and catch a rich husband. That's what I learned about upper-class white people in this area! I'm an immigrant so it was fascinating to me to realize this after years of reading dcum.

I'm curious - where are you from? A country where the social classes are set and there is no upward mobility? If you are born into a lower class, you are to remain in a lower class?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been at lunches with crying moms because their kids weren't invited to a birthday party or were cut from a team. I have seen parents literally freak out and scream at LITTLE kids for not remembering to do a homework assignment. I have seen social engineering when moms want a kid friend group to look a certain way. I have seen kids of all ages on phones and ipads for hours while parents eat dinner and ignore them. I have seen parents let kids kids wear crazy outfits to school that lead to teasing and bullying. I don't see kids playing nearly as much in the neighborhood "just because". I dunno - my kids are older, but when I see today's parenting I feel sorry for this generation and don't think it's surprising at all that they are absolutely miserable.

Well said. Everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid is in 9th grade and had one B+ on her report card first semester. Reading DCUM it appears she is no longer in the running for our state flagship, UVA. Why are we expecting kids to excel in every way at such a young age? Is there no room for error or mistakes? The pressure to be perfect academically, beautiful, popular, etc. at age 14, which is only compounded by social media, is leading to a lot of depression and anxiety.

So take her off social media.

It's hit the point that if you are not on Social media at 13/14 your kid will be a "weirdo" and left out of many social groups. So it's a catch 22 navigating this as a parent. So it can actually make the issues worse.

I’m with you in that texting is how they communicate but social media is a hard no. I’ll take the non screen-addicted teenager that’s capable of handling life decisions and experiences independently, can form in-person friendships, can’t think for themselves, can interact with professors in a professional manner, can find other ways to handle stress, and don’t spend their life comparing themselves to others. If they get into social media when they get to college so be it, but given their lack of interest at this point I doubt they’ll care that much. Your life is what you create, don’t worry about what everyone else is doing. There are other children that don’t use social media, your kid won’t be the outcast you think they will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Suicide is a social contagion, which is why there can be clusters among young people.

Social media is definitely causing a mental health crisis among young people. I believe gaming is also a huge issue - especially among young men who become addicted to it, and they lose any desire to interact in the real world which is much more boring.

It seems to me that suicide has become more "acceptable" in recent years, and almost glamorized. That makes it more appealing to a young person in crisis, who feels worthless. They can fantasize about how they will be the center of attention and loved, even if it only happens after they've died. JMO

I feel differently about gaming. It’s a type of free play that boys do together.

+1 from my observation gaming together is nothing like the mental trip that social media does on kids. A game is a game, whether on a board or a computer. They are talking, competing, sharing ideas, and having side conversations, etc. It is social. But if your kid is playing those games alone all day, that is just as bad as sitting alone in a room reading a book with no social interaction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Suicide is a social contagion, which is why there can be clusters among young people.

Social media is definitely causing a mental health crisis among young people. I believe gaming is also a huge issue - especially among young men who become addicted to it, and they lose any desire to interact in the real world which is much more boring.

It seems to me that suicide has become more "acceptable" in recent years, and almost glamorized. That makes it more appealing to a young person in crisis, who feels worthless. They can fantasize about how they will be the center of attention and loved, even if it only happens after they've died. JMO

I feel differently about gaming. It’s a type of free play that boys do together.

WHAT?! Gaming might be the most toxic of all - it completely destroys a person’s natural relationship with dopamine. I believe it’s almost single-handedly responsible for the crisis of young men being unable to make it to college or even out of their parents’ basement.

That has not been our experience. Maybe your kids are playing first person shooter games alone in the basement, but there are all kinds of games and many of them are social.

[Anonymous]

Is it that different from the past? I went to high school 40 years ago and I knew of three different kids who committed suicide. One I didn’t know personally but the other two I would say were good acquaintances, but not super close friends of mine. I don’t think my experience was all that unusual for that time- and that was only high school, not including college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NC State is very much a pressure cooker, and students who attend NCSU are very good students. Get a grip that they aren’t equal to NOVA kids. Have you even been to the Raleigh area? NC is one of the fastest growing states in the USA; unlike the state of Virginia.

I am from Raleigh. Still have a home there.

Schools suck.

Yes NC is the fastest growing bec for a long time housing was cheap. Wait til they experience another hurricane that's always fun in NC. It's not because of schools the public schools in Raleigh are abysmal and the privates are pretty much no better except one or two.

And no NC State is not a pressure cooker. Are there good students at NCSU of course. But the majority of students are second tier. It is not hard to get into NC state instate, they only took 12% OOS when my kids went.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
That is my favorite too. It's a dcum classic: a SAHM who married her husband when he was broke but is now making 500k. UMC people are sending the message to their children that sons must excel to become rich breadwinners and girls must be beautiful and smart enough to go to a good school and catch a rich husband. That's what I learned about upper-class white people in this area! I'm an immigrant so it was fascinating to me to realize this after years of reading dcum.

I'm curious - where are you from? A country where the social classes are set and there is no upward mobility? If you are born into a lower class, you are to remain in a lower class?

I am Arab and yes, social classes are set in stone. That said, women are nowadays encouraged to work and make something of themselves. I was surprised to see the emphasis on finding a rich husband so you can stay at home here. A former lawyer SAHM with a high earning husband who left the workforce because “that’s what’s best for our family” (the line they all parrot) is pretty much the ideal on here. I find that interesting because where I’m from this type of woman would be told she’s wasting her life!