Second marriage finances

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everything was separate till child support was over/youngest turned 18 as mom kept filling for more child support based on my income HHI but refused to include her AP income in her calculations and he paid the rent/expenses.

When we had kids, post child support, everything co-mingled. Everything earned/savings, etc. was earned by post youngest turning 18 so it will go to our kids.

Did she ever get anything from you? Was that due to not commingling your money with his?

[Anonymous]

Second marriage for both. We have joint accounts. We have a prenup and have written in our kids from first marriages to spilt everything if we die.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Everything joint. I have 3 kids from first marriage. DH has none. I have life insurance with my kids as beneficiaries that will go into a trust with my parents managing the trust. Once my kids are out of college, I’ll reevaluate the life insurance.

For DH and me, all our income, savings, investments, and real estate are in both our names. When either of us dies, it all goes to the other.

I don’t find this to be complicated at all and it seems weird to not partner because of finances. DH and I both make relatively similar salaries and come to the relationship with similar assets.

This all works out great unless you pre-decease him.

No. If I predecease him, the life insurance goes into a trust managed by my parents. The kids would go full time to their bio father. DH would get the rest of my resource. If I was married to bio dad, all my resources would go to bio dad.

The bio dad would have incentive to leave them to his bio kids. Your DH does not.

Yeah if you die tomorrow and your kids move out and your DH lives another 30 years, do you think your kids will get anything when he dies? if you want them to get more than your life insurance, you have to leave it to them. Also are your parents healthy enough to be the trustees? Who is the trustee if something happens to them? Is it your DH?

+100. The pp's thinking is rather shortsighted. Given that parents generally predecease their children, having the parents as the trustees makes little sense. The pp's line of innocent thinking will inadvertently disinherit her kids.

My dad passed earlier this year, and within 24 hours, his greedy wife was inquiring about the will, benefits, insurance, etc. He was 80 when he passed and had only been married to his wife for three years (foolish idea to marry so late). They never lived together, and none of their accounts comingled. Yet, she still somehow felt entitled. He left his entire estate to my two brothers and me.

Greedy or needy? Some of the elderly are struggling severely with inflation and fixed income

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

My parents are healthy. Oldest kid is almost 18. He would be the manger of the trust if my parents are unable. I already have separate college funds for each kid. Not sure why they would need more than what I planned.

I don't understand why your DH would need everything and why you think your kids won't need anything but college. What about weddings/grad school/unexpected health expenses that if you were married to bio dad you would probably help with? If you were married to bio dad any assets would immediately or eventually flow to them, and you are taking that out of the equation. Don't be surprised if your kids end up resenting your DH.

The kids are getting the life insurance. That would be enough to help with a wedding. I don’t plan on paying for grad school. My kids love DH. He is very generous and they wouldn’t have the standard of living they have without his income. They also have a bio father to assist. Why should adult children receive a windfall when my DH may need to money for his elder care?

I haven’t discussed it with DH, but I think he’d leave them whatever he has left. He doesn’t have anyone else to pass wealth. I guess he could remarry, but he wouldn’t stop loving our kids. He’s raising them.

Wait, so your DH is your kid's stepdad?

This whole post is about inheritance given second marriages so most likely

[Anonymous]

Not sure there’s one best way to do this - I think it really depends on what people are coming in with, if there are kids, how much income both are making, if properties are owned prior to 2nd marriage and so on.

Before remarrying I did a lot of research and spoke to an attorney as well as my future partner to figure out what would make sense.

Our situation: previous kids, both owned a home and had preexisting financial investments and HYSA and both worked.

We sold our homes, bout a new one. We combined a joint checking account to pay bills and mortgage. Left all other accounts separate and have all of that stipulated in an agreement that states what we came in with we will leave with. Everything post our legal marriage is spilt 50/50.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure there’s one best way to do this - I think it really depends on what people are coming in with, if there are kids, how much income both are making, if properties are owned prior to 2nd marriage and so on.

Before remarrying I did a lot of research and spoke to an attorney as well as my future partner to figure out what would make sense.

Our situation: previous kids, both owned a home and had preexisting financial investments and HYSA and both worked.

We sold our homes, bout a new one. We combined a joint checking account to pay bills and mortgage. Left all other accounts separate and have all of that stipulated in an agreement that states what we came in with we will leave with. Everything post our legal marriage is spilt 50/50.

This was true with my father too, both with previous kids. But the home is worth $15-20MM, he died, and his widow will leave this house to her two kids, not to his.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

My parents are healthy. Oldest kid is almost 18. He would be the manger of the trust if my parents are unable. I already have separate college funds for each kid. Not sure why they would need more than what I planned.

I don't understand why your DH would need everything and why you think your kids won't need anything but college. What about weddings/grad school/unexpected health expenses that if you were married to bio dad you would probably help with? If you were married to bio dad any assets would immediately or eventually flow to them, and you are taking that out of the equation. Don't be surprised if your kids end up resenting your DH.

The kids are getting the life insurance. That would be enough to help with a wedding. I don’t plan on paying for grad school. My kids love DH. He is very generous and they wouldn’t have the standard of living they have without his income. They also have a bio father to assist. Why should adult children receive a windfall when my DH may need to money for his elder care?

I haven’t discussed it with DH, but I think he’d leave them whatever he has left. He doesn’t have anyone else to pass wealth. I guess he could remarry, but he wouldn’t stop loving our kids. He’s raising them.

You are not looking too far ahead. It doesn’t matter if he loves them now. What matters is who he ends up with, if you die tomorrow. My exH is dating a 20-years younger woman who has her own kids. He is also moody and already forgetful losing stuff around the house. Also drinks. If he’s not in a good mental state in his last few years - whoever is by his bedside at that time might inherit everything.
Do you think a younger wife or her kids deserve your hard earned money over your kids ?

Repeating my question to this PP whose husband would inherit. How do you feel someone totally unrelated to you inheriting the family house over your kids, when husband dies ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure there’s one best way to do this - I think it really depends on what people are coming in with, if there are kids, how much income both are making, if properties are owned prior to 2nd marriage and so on.

Before remarrying I did a lot of research and spoke to an attorney as well as my future partner to figure out what would make sense.

Our situation: previous kids, both owned a home and had preexisting financial investments and HYSA and both worked.

We sold our homes, bout a new one. We combined a joint checking account to pay bills and mortgage. Left all other accounts separate and have all of that stipulated in an agreement that states what we came in with we will leave with. Everything post our legal marriage is spilt 50/50.

This was true with my father too, both with previous kids. But the home is worth $15-20MM, he died, and his widow will leave this house to her two kids, not to his.

Yep. This is how it goes. Remarriage is ugly. It’s playing at being a family with people who will never have your children’s interests front and center. In fact they have the motivation to push their interests away.

[Anonymous]

Share everything. Don't have kids in your starter marriage. Same that for the second marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure there’s one best way to do this - I think it really depends on what people are coming in with, if there are kids, how much income both are making, if properties are owned prior to 2nd marriage and so on.

Before remarrying I did a lot of research and spoke to an attorney as well as my future partner to figure out what would make sense.

Our situation: previous kids, both owned a home and had preexisting financial investments and HYSA and both worked.

We sold our homes, bout a new one. We combined a joint checking account to pay bills and mortgage. Left all other accounts separate and have all of that stipulated in an agreement that states what we came in with we will leave with. Everything post our legal marriage is spilt 50/50.

This was true with my father too, both with previous kids. But the home is worth $15-20MM, he died, and his widow will leave this house to her two kids, not to his.

Yep. This is how it goes. Remarriage is ugly. It’s playing at being a family with people who will never have your children’s interests front and center. In fact they have the motivation to push their interests away.

+100. Np, why is this so hard for people to grasp? I will never understand being blinded by love. There is no scenario where I would ever be under the impression that a spouse in a second marriage would have my kids's best interest. It's not their job to have your kids' best interest. It's the bio parents' job-- period. If you fail to protect your kids' inheritance due to being in love with an outsider, you've failed as a parent. Count yourself as lucky if you marry a second spouse who is decent enough to care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First marriage for me, second for DH. One child from his first marriage who is now 21, our kids are all still under 10.

DH brought more assets to the marriage than I did. I earned slightly more when we met, although he now out-earns me significantly.

We mingle all funds, everything is joint. Our joint assets are now much, much larger now than what he brought to the marriage. We have been married almost 15 years.

The hardest part is creating the will and trying to be fair. My DSC’s mother has a high income and they will likely inherit all her assets (no other kids). We are also high income, and in a perfect world we would like to try to take into account what DSC would inherit from their mother when we allocate percentages for all the kids in our will. (Because we have multiple kids, even though we have a significant estate, divided evenly each individual portion will likely - again, just guessing based on child support paperwork that is now many years old - be less than what DSC will inherit from their mother.) We are also trying to balance the fact that our kids are still young and need resources in different way than DSC does just because of their ages.

In the real world, these factors mean we are leaving DSC a smaller percentage of our assets compared to our other kids. I worry a lot that he will take it to mean we love him less, or ascribe some other negative meaning. As the kids all reach adulthood, we are open to trying to even out the percentages, so maybe it won’t be an issue in the end.

Yeah ... this is absolutely horrible.

If the first wife was mentally ill and required ongoing support from DSC, would you leave DSC more money to even things out? Of course not. So easy to tell DSC to GF himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure there’s one best way to do this - I think it really depends on what people are coming in with, if there are kids, how much income both are making, if properties are owned prior to 2nd marriage and so on.

Before remarrying I did a lot of research and spoke to an attorney as well as my future partner to figure out what would make sense.

Our situation: previous kids, both owned a home and had preexisting financial investments and HYSA and both worked.

We sold our homes, bout a new one. We combined a joint checking account to pay bills and mortgage. Left all other accounts separate and have all of that stipulated in an agreement that states what we came in with we will leave with. Everything post our legal marriage is spilt 50/50.

This was true with my father too, both with previous kids. But the home is worth $15-20MM, he died, and his widow will leave this house to her two kids, not to his.

Yep. This is how it goes. Remarriage is ugly. It’s playing at being a family with people who will never have your children’s interests front and center. In fact they have the motivation to push their interests away.

+100. Np, why is this so hard for people to grasp? I will never understand being blinded by love. There is no scenario where I would ever be under the impression that a spouse in a second marriage would have my kids's best interest. It's not their job to have your kids' best interest. It's the bio parents' job-- period. If you fail to protect your kids' inheritance due to being in love with an outsider, you've failed as a parent. Count yourself as lucky if you marry a second spouse who is decent enough to care.

My grandfather who was very wealthy remarried. Guess who got all of his money eventually after he died. Yep- his stepkids. My dad and his siblings got nothing, the estate passed to stepmom and ultimately to her kids. I’m on my first marriage and have kids but all of my money goes in trust to my kids. (We signed prenups and both have enough to support ourselves fine). Your spouse can remarry and you won’t be able to control it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

My parents are healthy. Oldest kid is almost 18. He would be the manger of the trust if my parents are unable. I already have separate college funds for each kid. Not sure why they would need more than what I planned.

I don't understand why your DH would need everything and why you think your kids won't need anything but college. What about weddings/grad school/unexpected health expenses that if you were married to bio dad you would probably help with? If you were married to bio dad any assets would immediately or eventually flow to them, and you are taking that out of the equation. Don't be surprised if your kids end up resenting your DH.

The kids are getting the life insurance. That would be enough to help with a wedding. I don’t plan on paying for grad school. My kids love DH. He is very generous and they wouldn’t have the standard of living they have without his income. They also have a bio father to assist. Why should adult children receive a windfall when my DH may need to money for his elder care?

I haven’t discussed it with DH, but I think he’d leave them whatever he has left. He doesn’t have anyone else to pass wealth. I guess he could remarry, but he wouldn’t stop loving our kids. He’s raising them.

You are not looking too far ahead. It doesn’t matter if he loves them now. What matters is who he ends up with, if you die tomorrow. My exH is dating a 20-years younger woman who has her own kids. He is also moody and already forgetful losing stuff around the house. Also drinks. If he’s not in a good mental state in his last few years - whoever is by his bedside at that time might inherit everything.
Do you think a younger wife or her kids deserve your hard earned money over your kids ?

Repeating my question to this PP whose husband would inherit. How do you feel someone totally unrelated to you inheriting the family house over your kids, when husband dies ?

Yes. I would be ok with it. DH, my kids’ stepdad, provides a considerable amount of support to the kids now. And the money we have is also his money. Since we have it all together, it’s not his and mine. We don’t keep anything separate. Just the life insurance for the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure there’s one best way to do this - I think it really depends on what people are coming in with, if there are kids, how much income both are making, if properties are owned prior to 2nd marriage and so on.

Before remarrying I did a lot of research and spoke to an attorney as well as my future partner to figure out what would make sense.

Our situation: previous kids, both owned a home and had preexisting financial investments and HYSA and both worked.

We sold our homes, bout a new one. We combined a joint checking account to pay bills and mortgage. Left all other accounts separate and have all of that stipulated in an agreement that states what we came in with we will leave with. Everything post our legal marriage is spilt 50/50.

This was true with my father too, both with previous kids. But the home is worth $15-20MM, he died, and his widow will leave this house to her two kids, not to his.

Yep that's why I will never remarry. I love my kids and they are good and hard working kids. They are fine on their own. But I want them to have EVERYTHING I'll leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

My parents are healthy. Oldest kid is almost 18. He would be the manger of the trust if my parents are unable. I already have separate college funds for each kid. Not sure why they would need more than what I planned.

I don't understand why your DH would need everything and why you think your kids won't need anything but college. What about weddings/grad school/unexpected health expenses that if you were married to bio dad you would probably help with? If you were married to bio dad any assets would immediately or eventually flow to them, and you are taking that out of the equation. Don't be surprised if your kids end up resenting your DH.

The kids are getting the life insurance. That would be enough to help with a wedding. I don’t plan on paying for grad school. My kids love DH. He is very generous and they wouldn’t have the standard of living they have without his income. They also have a bio father to assist. Why should adult children receive a windfall when my DH may need to money for his elder care?

I haven’t discussed it with DH, but I think he’d leave them whatever he has left. He doesn’t have anyone else to pass wealth. I guess he could remarry, but he wouldn’t stop loving our kids. He’s raising them.

You are not looking too far ahead. It doesn’t matter if he loves them now. What matters is who he ends up with, if you die tomorrow. My exH is dating a 20-years younger woman who has her own kids. He is also moody and already forgetful losing stuff around the house. Also drinks. If he’s not in a good mental state in his last few years - whoever is by his bedside at that time might inherit everything.
Do you think a younger wife or her kids deserve your hard earned money over your kids ?

Repeating my question to this PP whose husband would inherit. How do you feel someone totally unrelated to you inheriting the family house over your kids, when husband dies ?

Yes. I would be ok with it. DH, my kids’ stepdad, provides a considerable amount of support to the kids now. And the money we have is also his money. Since we have it all together, it’s not his and mine. We don’t keep anything separate. Just the life insurance for the kids.

I think women are better than men at merging finances and kids when they remarry. I think remarriage post divorce should be left to women. Men should stay clear of remarrying.