I want 19 year old daughter out of house, but she can't support herself - what to do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Why didn't you mention it in your OP that she has ADHD? Because clearly if she's procrastinating, it's not optimally managed, is it? Is it a psychiatrist who prescribes, or just a regular doctor? She needs to see a psychiatrist, tweak meds, etc.

Also, meds by themselves sometimes aren't enough for ADHD. Kids also need to be explicitly taught organizational techniques from a tutor or very dedicated parent. They need to be accompanied for years to get them into routines where they use planners, learn to set phone reminders, are trained to work backwards from a deadline to estimate when they need to start a project, how to break up projects and prioritize tasks during intense multitasking periods...

Severe ADHD requires wraparound services. It's not too late to get her some help, she's just 19. Her entire life is before her. Don't give up now, OP. I've been doing this for years with my severely ADHD child. It's very hard, but it's worth it if he becomes a self-sufficient and financially independent adult. The goal is to make a big push while you're both young so you don't have to support them when you're old and tired.

Sometimes kids with ADHD or other issues won’t accept help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The best thing my mom ever did for me was give me an ultimatum: Be in school fulltime by August or move out on my own. There are plenty of ways your daughter could support herself but if she can live in your house, there is no incentive. In the end, I joined the Army. I was the most unlikely soldier but it gave me the time and structure to grow up and figure out what I wanted for my life. After my 4 year commitment was over, I went to University and grad school and my life was launched.

Military isn’t an option for medicated ADHD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My niece was exactly like OP's DD. She got C's and D's in high school and was not motivated. My brother sent her to Siberia to live with relatives for one year. When she came back to the US, she became a very good student, ended up at UVA, graduated and had a very good job. It is amazing what living in Siberia's harsh condition can do to your psyche.

Wow, what a helpful response! OP - have you tried sending your daughter to live with relatives in Siberia?

Maybe something like Peace Corp would be good for your child OP. Give them some time to mature and see less fortunate people.

Peace Corp is very competitive and for college grads

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't give up on your parental responsibilities just because you don't like what's happening. No one said being a parent was easy but, nevertheless, it's your responsibility to take care of her.

But she's an adult. What if she's still like this at 26? Am I obligated to have her live with us forever?

No, but if you have been down this road with adhd diagnosis, executive functioning, etc. you know that kids with adhd mature slower. So, she will get there but just later. It could be 23-26!

I understand your frustration but you have many options:

If money not an issue then look at schools that have strong support systems for adhd students. Marshall University comes to mind but there are others.
Consider a 2- yr college that focuses on these issues. I cannot remember name but I heard of one in Oregon and Massachusetts- I think.

Sit down as a family or with a therapist and brainstorm other ideas- nanny, americorps, any part time job
Ask about a trade - hair stylist, pastry chef, florist, electrician
Ask about a certificate- web design, programming

Simply say…you can take a gap year but must work 30 hrs a week at target, chick fil a, whatever and cut grass,make dinner 2x a week.

You have many options here. Be annoyed but as someone said earlier you don’t get to ( or should not) just stop parenting at 19. She needs your guidance.

I have a similar one. All those options discussed. they decided all paid college not so bad. Chose major they could handle, graduated in 4 yrs. We leveraged contacts for internships and first job as they were clueless. They needed/still need guidance.

Fortunately They want to launch and will soon ( now 23) but it takes work. The frustration, annoyance, and work we have done though is yielding results. They will launch and have an ok life. If we had given up at 19 they likely would have always struggled and kept circling back. Do the work now with your dc and you should see results in a few years.

We absolutely got/ get frustrated but they did not chose to be born with this. My spouse had no idea what their issues had always been until we had dc. Then when diagnosed it was like a lightbulb of ..” oh, this is why xyz has always been hard, why I always felt like x.” I don’t understand as I do not have and am very high- functioning but this is a real thing and if one does not have support it would be a disaster.

Again, I know it’s hard. I really do but as my dh always said “ what do we hope/want for the 30 yr old larla/ larlo.” Keep your eye on the long game. Hugs.

This ^^^^^

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has she ever been screened for ADHD or learning disorders?

+1 This sounds like a huge parenting fail on your part, OP. Please get your daughter the help she has probably needed for many years now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So... has her severe ADHD ever been assessed and treated, OP?

Because you use a lot of judgmental words to describe something that sounds like textbook ADHD - which is a mental health disorder, a brain difference where neurotransmitters are dysregulated and can't fire at the right time and in the right quantities. It's not in her control to stop procrastinating if she has ADHD and is not medicated.

If all this is managed optimally, then you should have said so right from the start, because it really screams out from your post.

She is medicated.

Clearly not with the correct medication and/or dosage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So... has her severe ADHD ever been assessed and treated, OP?

Because you use a lot of judgmental words to describe something that sounds like textbook ADHD - which is a mental health disorder, a brain difference where neurotransmitters are dysregulated and can't fire at the right time and in the right quantities. It's not in her control to stop procrastinating if she has ADHD and is not medicated.

If all this is managed optimally, then you should have said so right from the start, because it really screams out from your post.

This was my thought too when reading OP's post. My DD struggled throughout college. She is ADHD/anxiety/Aspergers (ASD).

[Anonymous]

What executive function coaching have you gotten her?

It’s really sad that you managed her ADHD poorly and now want to dump her on the curb. Her then engaging in SW or finding a man to latch to are likely outcomes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has she ever been screened for ADHD or learning disorders?

+1 This sounds like a huge parenting fail on your part, OP. Please get your daughter the help she has probably needed for many years now.

This sounds like a huge reading comprehension on your part, pp.

[Anonymous]

Jobs that are friendly to ADHD people OP:
Restaurant work
Hair styling
Anything that appeals to her where she has to work with her hands and people all-day, that are fairly repetitive and don't require sitting in front of a computer and concentrating.

She could get a job as wait staff or as an assistant in a salon to start, and then to go trade school if it appeals to her.

[Anonymous]

And, hairstylists and wait staff can make quite a bit of money OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has she ever been screened for ADHD or learning disorders?

Yes, She does not have any learning disorders, she did qualify for adhd - inattentive, and has been medicated for a couple of years.

Clearly her medication isn’t working. When is the last time her doctor adjusted it? Has she gotten any executive function coaching?

Yes, we have spent thousands on executive function coaching. Didn't work.

The more you post, the uglier this is getting. I realize that you may be keeping your posts terse because providing any detail around here is offering yourself up for ritual humiliation on an increasing number of particulars, but really OP--you sound like you DGAF and never did.

Uh gee maybe because everyone is just trying to attack Op. Advice is often “go get executive function coaching”. Op did. Nothing she said is terrible or deserve your response.

Well, we don't agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My niece was exactly like OP's DD. She got C's and D's in high school and was not motivated. My brother sent her to Siberia to live with relatives for one year. When she came back to the US, she became a very good student, ended up at UVA, graduated and had a very good job. It is amazing what living in Siberia's harsh condition can do to your psyche.

Wow, what a helpful response! OP - have you tried sending your daughter to live with relatives in Siberia?

I thought the pp was suggesting that her brother's relatives in Siberia should host OP's daughter for a year. Why else post something so completely irrelevant?

If this were a reality show I would watch it.