I want 19 year old daughter out of house, but she can't support herself - what to do?

[Anonymous]

DD was away at college last year and ended up with D's and F's for the year, so came home and attended NOVA this fall semester. Her grades there are horrible as well. Her huge problem, which she has had all her life is procrastination. It is downright pathological, she just CANNOT motivate herself to stay on top of her assignments.

Our house is nothing but stress and chaos, I am constantly on her to study and get her work turned in, but to no avail. I feel that having her live with us is just too stressful and I want her to move out, but there's no way she would be able to afford that. She does have a part-time job at a bookstore, but even if she stopped taking classes and worked full-time it wouldn't be enough for her to live on her own, even with a roommate. I've tried to encourage her to join the military, but she's not interested.

I really can't stand having her around anymore but don't know what to do. What do people with adult children who don't have the means of supporting themselves do?

[Anonymous]

Has she ever been screened for ADHD or learning disorders?

[Anonymous]

So... has her severe ADHD ever been assessed and treated, OP?

Because you use a lot of judgmental words to describe something that sounds like textbook ADHD - which is a mental health disorder, a brain difference where neurotransmitters are dysregulated and can't fire at the right time and in the right quantities. It's not in her control to stop procrastinating if she has ADHD and is not medicated.

If all this is managed optimally, then you should have said so right from the start, because it really screams out from your post.

[Anonymous]

She can earn $2400/month working fulltime and owe virtually zero federal income tax. Yes she can live on her own with a roommate!!!

[Anonymous]

How did she do in high school?

[Anonymous]

This post will moved soon to the Adult Children forum. There are tons of topics on this already so know that you aren’t alone with your frustrations.

My two sons, 20 and 22, are in a similar predicament. I am strongly considering purchasing a cheap condo to move them into and having them pay the utilities. I too am sick of seeing them home with low motivation and terrible grades last semester.

[Anonymous]

Change paths. Sounds like college isn’t for her. How about some other sort of training? My child with special needs completed an automotive program - zero homework, only show up for class one full day a week, leaving the rest of the time to work. Finished school, a couple years of entry level jobs and a living wage with benefits by age 23. A friends kid did HVAC. Living wage by 20 - not sure about benefits.

Also, PP is right - maybe ADHD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has she ever been screened for ADHD or learning disorders?

Yes, She does not have any learning disorders, she did qualify for adhd - inattentive, and has been medicated for a couple of years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So... has her severe ADHD ever been assessed and treated, OP?

Because you use a lot of judgmental words to describe something that sounds like textbook ADHD - which is a mental health disorder, a brain difference where neurotransmitters are dysregulated and can't fire at the right time and in the right quantities. It's not in her control to stop procrastinating if she has ADHD and is not medicated.

If all this is managed optimally, then you should have said so right from the start, because it really screams out from your post.

She is medicated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How did she do in high school?

Mainly B's with a couple of C's, but that was because we were overseeing her work and her high school had an extremely liberal retake/late work policy - unlike college.

[Anonymous]

Why didn't you mention it in your OP that she has ADHD? Because clearly if she's procrastinating, it's not optimally managed, is it? Is it a psychiatrist who prescribes, or just a regular doctor? She needs to see a psychiatrist, tweak meds, etc.

Also, meds by themselves sometimes aren't enough for ADHD. Kids also need to be explicitly taught organizational techniques from a tutor or very dedicated parent. They need to be accompanied for years to get them into routines where they use planners, learn to set phone reminders, are trained to work backwards from a deadline to estimate when they need to start a project, how to break up projects and prioritize tasks during intense multitasking periods...

Severe ADHD requires wraparound services. It's not too late to get her some help, she's just 19. Her entire life is before her. Don't give up now, OP. I've been doing this for years with my severely ADHD child. It's very hard, but it's worth it if he becomes a self-sufficient and financially independent adult. The goal is to make a big push while you're both young so you don't have to support them when you're old and tired.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has she ever been screened for ADHD or learning disorders?

Yes, She does not have any learning disorders, she did qualify for adhd - inattentive, and has been medicated for a couple of years.

Clearly her medication isn’t working. When is the last time her doctor adjusted it? Has she gotten any executive function coaching?

[Anonymous]

I agree with you that the consequences have to be severe enough to force changed behavior. Right now, stop sinking anymore money down the college drain. She's not motivated and not interested. She does, however, need to get a full-time job that can support her independent lifestyle. I'd focus on that and once she has that, getting her to move out.

[Anonymous]

How did she afford college when she was "away"?

[Anonymous]

Test for ADHD.
Stop bugging her about her schoolwork. Is she interested in any votech? Auto mechanics, HVAC, cosmetology? Either that or encourage her to find a full-time job or a 2nd part time job and she can go back to school if/when she is motivated and able to do the work.