I want 19 year old daughter out of house, but she can't support herself - what to do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Test for ADHD.
Stop bugging her about her schoolwork. Is she interested in any votech? Auto mechanics, HVAC, cosmetology? Either that or encourage her to find a full-time job or a 2nd part time job and she can go back to school if/when she is motivated and able to do the work.

I just saw your update re ADHD. That's key information. Have her dosages rechecked. Is she actually taking the medication? It's not working.

[Anonymous]

You can't give up on your parental responsibilities just because you don't like what's happening. No one said being a parent was easy but, nevertheless, it's your responsibility to take care of her.

[Anonymous]

Does she think there's a problem?
She's unlikely to take steps to solve something she doesn't think is an issue. Especially with ADHD, where it can be incredibly difficult to make a plan and then execute a plan.

[Anonymous]

College and academics might not be for her. How about doing some kind of vocational training? And I will echo the question that many have asked before me, has she been tested for ADHD? It really sounds like that to me.

What does she like to do? Does she have any interests or passions?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:College and academics might not be for her. How about doing some kind of vocational training? And I will echo the question that many have asked before me, has she been tested for ADHD? It really sounds like that to me.

What does she like to do? Does she have any interests or passions?

You might want to reread the thread. It's still pretty short.

[Anonymous]

My niece was exactly like OP's DD. She got C's and D's in high school and was not motivated. My brother sent her to Siberia to live with relatives for one year. When she came back to the US, she became a very good student, ended up at UVA, graduated and had a very good job. It is amazing what living in Siberia's harsh condition can do to your psyche.

[Anonymous]

I was a Nanny making 25k and lived on my own. I lived in a townhouse with 2 roommates

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why didn't you mention it in your OP that she has ADHD? Because clearly if she's procrastinating, it's not optimally managed, is it? Is it a psychiatrist who prescribes, or just a regular doctor? She needs to see a psychiatrist, tweak meds, etc.

Also, meds by themselves sometimes aren't enough for ADHD. Kids also need to be explicitly taught organizational techniques from a tutor or very dedicated parent. They need to be accompanied for years to get them into routines where they use planners, learn to set phone reminders, are trained to work backwards from a deadline to estimate when they need to start a project, how to break up projects and prioritize tasks during intense multitasking periods...

Severe ADHD requires wraparound services. It's not too late to get her some help, she's just 19. Her entire life is before her. Don't give up now, OP. I've been doing this for years with my severely ADHD child. It's very hard, but it's worth it if he becomes a self-sufficient and financially independent adult. The goal is to make a big push while you're both young so you don't have to support them when you're old and tired.

+1

[Anonymous]

OP she can work at Target and move out or Amazon or any retail.

roommates and full time job can get an apartment nothing fancy definitely can be done.

Target hires like crazy....

[Anonymous]

You need to sit down with her and come up with a plan. If she isn't in school, she needs to be paying market rent for a room in your house as well as her share of utilities. She needs to paying for her own phone. Her own food (and doing her own cooking). You don't have to kick her out, but start treating her like a roommate. Hopefully she won't like it and either move out or be motivated to do better in school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My niece was exactly like OP's DD. She got C's and D's in high school and was not motivated. My brother sent her to Siberia to live with relatives for one year. When she came back to the US, she became a very good student, ended up at UVA, graduated and had a very good job. It is amazing what living in Siberia's harsh condition can do to your psyche.

Wow, what a helpful response! OP - have you tried sending your daughter to live with relatives in Siberia?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My niece was exactly like OP's DD. She got C's and D's in high school and was not motivated. My brother sent her to Siberia to live with relatives for one year. When she came back to the US, she became a very good student, ended up at UVA, graduated and had a very good job. It is amazing what living in Siberia's harsh condition can do to your psyche.

Wow, what a helpful response! OP - have you tried sending your daughter to live with relatives in Siberia?

I thought the pp was suggesting that her brother's relatives in Siberia should host OP's daughter for a year. Why else post something so completely irrelevant?

[Anonymous]

The best thing my mom ever did for me was give me an ultimatum: Be in school fulltime by August or move out on my own. There are plenty of ways your daughter could support herself but if she can live in your house, there is no incentive. In the end, I joined the Army. I was the most unlikely soldier but it gave me the time and structure to grow up and figure out what I wanted for my life. After my 4 year commitment was over, I went to University and grad school and my life was launched.

[Anonymous]

Let her be. You can't be hounding her college assignments like you'd do for a second grader. I think it's abundantly clear college is not for her. It wasn't for either of my brothers either (27yo twins). Now, one of them is a union iron worker making $150-200k depending on how much overtime he picks up and the other is a union worker for the county with fantastic benefits and a pension.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Why didn't you mention it in your OP that she has ADHD? Because clearly if she's procrastinating, it's not optimally managed, is it? Is it a psychiatrist who prescribes, or just a regular doctor? She needs to see a psychiatrist, tweak meds, etc.

Also, meds by themselves sometimes aren't enough for ADHD. Kids also need to be explicitly taught organizational techniques from a tutor or very dedicated parent. They need to be accompanied for years to get them into routines where they use planners, learn to set phone reminders, are trained to work backwards from a deadline to estimate when they need to start a project, how to break up projects and prioritize tasks during intense multitasking periods...

Severe ADHD requires wraparound services. It's not too late to get her some help, she's just 19. Her entire life is before her. Don't give up now, OP. I've been doing this for years with my severely ADHD child. It's very hard, but it's worth it if he becomes a self-sufficient and financially independent adult. The goal is to make a big push while you're both young so you don't have to support them when you're old and tired.

+1 entirely this