Currently on a miserable beach vacation with 4 yo

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Some of the tips above that have really helped:

-just accepting that DS is going to fight me on everything (getting out of the ocean, putting on sunscreen, putting on clothes, etc.), so instead of negotiating and trying all the things we always do that don’t work (first/then, bribes, choices, etc.), I just accept that he’s going to scream and force him. It suxks but is better than all the negotiating/cajoling/bribing/pleading

-mourning the vacations I want to be able to take but can’t

-hearing about others nightmare travel stories has been so helpful!!!! Thank you for sharing!!

We’ve already done all the obvious baseline things before I ever posted here (prioritizing sleep and meals, first/then, timers, visual schedules, exercise, sunshine, dropping expectations, taking turns, screens). I’m realizing more and more that I just have a very different kid. The things that work on “normal” kids don’t work on him. At the heart of it is that he does not seem to understand things in the way a normal kid does and that breaks my heart into a million pieces. Just thinking he’s more disabled than we wanted to believe and is less capable than I thought. But he’s only 4, there’s hope that he will keep developing. But also….he may not. All of this is so hard.

Thanks everyone for being with me on this vacation. Now that we have a nanny service I’m half hoping for a travel snafu tomorrow so we can extend!!

Happy to hear things are leveling out a bit! I’m curious, though: how did he do with the nannies? Was it OK simply because he wasn’t being asked to do anything he didn’t want to do? What did the nannies do with him in a hotel room for that period of time?

Op here. He does great with nannies and babysitters. They haven’t just stayed in the hotel room-she took him to the beach, the pool, the park, and to get ice cream.

I guess the answer must lie in something in our parenting. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I feel like we are in a permanent power struggle and I cannot get cooperation from DS in any context or situation. And yes, I’ve read Janet Lansbury, Dr. Becky, the Kazdin Method book, the Explosive Child. I listen to the podcasts. DS wants to continuously do things that are unsafe and I have to stop him and then it’s just pure meltdown/resistance and it’s hard to get out of that dynamic even when I try the Dr. Becky connection type techniques. I’ve tried asking our nanny what she does and emulating it but it never seems to work. Maybe it’s my personality? I don’t have a ton of patience and I get overwhelmed quickly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Some of the tips above that have really helped:

-just accepting that DS is going to fight me on everything (getting out of the ocean, putting on sunscreen, putting on clothes, etc.), so instead of negotiating and trying all the things we always do that don’t work (first/then, bribes, choices, etc.), I just accept that he’s going to scream and force him. It suxks but is better than all the negotiating/cajoling/bribing/pleading

-mourning the vacations I want to be able to take but can’t

-hearing about others nightmare travel stories has been so helpful!!!! Thank you for sharing!!

We’ve already done all the obvious baseline things before I ever posted here (prioritizing sleep and meals, first/then, timers, visual schedules, exercise, sunshine, dropping expectations, taking turns, screens). I’m realizing more and more that I just have a very different kid. The things that work on “normal” kids don’t work on him. At the heart of it is that he does not seem to understand things in the way a normal kid does and that breaks my heart into a million pieces. Just thinking he’s more disabled than we wanted to believe and is less capable than I thought. But he’s only 4, there’s hope that he will keep developing. But also….he may not. All of this is so hard.

Thanks everyone for being with me on this vacation. Now that we have a nanny service I’m half hoping for a travel snafu tomorrow so we can extend!!

Happy to hear things are leveling out a bit! I’m curious, though: how did he do with the nannies? Was it OK simply because he wasn’t being asked to do anything he didn’t want to do? What did the nannies do with him in a hotel room for that period of time?

Op here. He does great with nannies and babysitters. They haven’t just stayed in the hotel room-she took him to the beach, the pool, the park, and to get ice cream.

I guess the answer must lie in something in our parenting. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I feel like we are in a permanent power struggle and I cannot get cooperation from DS in any context or situation. And yes, I’ve read Janet Lansbury, Dr. Becky, the Kazdin Method book, the Explosive Child. I listen to the podcasts. DS wants to continuously do things that are unsafe and I have to stop him and then it’s just pure meltdown/resistance and it’s hard to get out of that dynamic even when I try the Dr. Becky connection type techniques. I’ve tried asking our nanny what she does and emulating it but it never seems to work. Maybe it’s my personality? I don’t have a ton of patience and I get overwhelmed quickly.

I know for me when my son was that age I often responded in fear. Fear of how disabled he was. When I accepted him and made peace with the fact that he was acting like a kid with a disability and didn’t react, it’s better. I think the child care providers don’t have the same emotional reaction we do, and the kid is somewhat anxious/on alert - their parents are gone and they need to stick with this person.

Op, so much of your sons issues sound like they stem from receptive language issues. When we aggressively treated my sons seizures - he had fibstabt spiking - his receptive language improved. I’m guessing you’ve tried this, but just in case.

Also, 4 is brutal for delayed kids. It’s like 3 but longer and harder, because the kid is developmentally a toddler. It will improve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We’ve already done all the obvious baseline things before I ever posted here (prioritizing sleep and meals, first/then, timers, visual schedules, exercise, sunshine, dropping expectations, taking turns, screens). I’m realizing more and more that I just have a very different kid. The things that work on “normal” kids don’t work on him. At the heart of it is that he does not seem to understand things in the way a normal kid does and that breaks my heart into a million pieces. Just thinking he’s more disabled than we wanted to believe and is less capable than I thought. But he’s only 4, there’s hope that he will keep developing. But also….he may not. All of this is so hard...

I guess the answer must lie in something in our parenting. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I feel like we are in a permanent power struggle and I cannot get cooperation from DS in any context or situation. And yes, I’ve read Janet Lansbury, Dr. Becky, the Kazdin Method book, the Explosive Child. I listen to the podcasts. DS wants to continuously do things that are unsafe and I have to stop him and then it’s just pure meltdown/resistance and it’s hard to get out of that dynamic even when I try the Dr. Becky connection type techniques. I’ve tried asking our nanny what she does and emulating it but it never seems to work. Maybe it’s my personality? I don’t have a ton of patience and I get overwhelmed quickly.

1. You are safer than nannies and teachers so he may never behave the same with you as he does with them.
2. You may need to judge "seems to work" on a long-term basis, not whether it worked in the moment.
3. Parent Child Journey class teaches parents how to judge when to respond with empathy, time out, or ignore.
4. Personally I think that Ross Greene is for higher-functioning children. At least all the videos on his website skew that way.
5. When your kid gets old enough your family should look at Unstuck and On Target.

[Anonymous]

Op - I want to point out a few things here.
1- your child sounds a lot like mine. Mine did not have an asd diagnosis at that age (we did not get that until age 8)-he was diagnosed with severe adhd, dyspraxia and language disorder at the time. But he sounds similar to yours. I know yours is not diagnosed with asd. Anyway my child was so difficult to deal with at that age. He had delayed language (both receptive and expressive) which I think is a huge contributor to behaviors. There were major meltdowns and power struggles (literally physically trying to wrangle him to bed)
My son also clearly had sensory processing issues- it sounds like yours may as well. It’s something to look into as OT can help.

2- I don’t think anyone has mentioned this yet but the beach and ocean are majorly OVERSTIMULATING!!!!

My son cannot last more than an hour before he needs a break from the sun, heat, wind, waves and loud noises. Please consider this. Are you literally out at the beach for several hours?? If so you have to take breaks. Now I realize asking him to come inside for a break could cause meltdowns too I suppose. Bribes may need to be used ( if you haven’t tried that already).

We have gone to the beach for many years now and have finally learned our lesson. But in the past we’ve stayed out a little too long and all hell has broken loose. I mean one year my son punched me in the stomach, banged his head on the shower door multiple times and screamed like he was being murdered. I’m surprised no one called the cops.

It sounds like he is melting down before you even get out to the beach - but I wanted to share our experiences with this. It is hard to have to come in and take a break after only a short time- but it’s necessary.

Maybe I’m completely wrong but I wanted to point this out as we did not figure it out the first few years we went to the beach. I’m so sorry you are going through this. My son was very large as well at that age (still is 99th percentile). Just makes things even harder than they already are as people assume your child is older and should know how to “behave”. I have major sympathy for you!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Some of the tips above that have really helped:

-just accepting that DS is going to fight me on everything (getting out of the ocean, putting on sunscreen, putting on clothes, etc.), so instead of negotiating and trying all the things we always do that don’t work (first/then, bribes, choices, etc.), I just accept that he’s going to scream and force him. It suxks but is better than all the negotiating/cajoling/bribing/pleading

-mourning the vacations I want to be able to take but can’t

-hearing about others nightmare travel stories has been so helpful!!!! Thank you for sharing!!

We’ve already done all the obvious baseline things before I ever posted here (prioritizing sleep and meals, first/then, timers, visual schedules, exercise, sunshine, dropping expectations, taking turns, screens). I’m realizing more and more that I just have a very different kid. The things that work on “normal” kids don’t work on him. At the heart of it is that he does not seem to understand things in the way a normal kid does and that breaks my heart into a million pieces. Just thinking he’s more disabled than we wanted to believe and is less capable than I thought. But he’s only 4, there’s hope that he will keep developing. But also….he may not. All of this is so hard.

Thanks everyone for being with me on this vacation. Now that we have a nanny service I’m half hoping for a travel snafu tomorrow so we can extend!!

Happy to hear things are leveling out a bit! I’m curious, though: how did he do with the nannies? Was it OK simply because he wasn’t being asked to do anything he didn’t want to do? What did the nannies do with him in a hotel room for that period of time?

Op here. He does great with nannies and babysitters. They haven’t just stayed in the hotel room-she took him to the beach, the pool, the park, and to get ice cream.

I guess the answer must lie in something in our parenting. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I feel like we are in a permanent power struggle and I cannot get cooperation from DS in any context or situation. And yes, I’ve read Janet Lansbury, Dr. Becky, the Kazdin Method book, the Explosive Child. I listen to the podcasts. DS wants to continuously do things that are unsafe and I have to stop him and then it’s just pure meltdown/resistance and it’s hard to get out of that dynamic even when I try the Dr. Becky connection type techniques. I’ve tried asking our nanny what she does and emulating it but it never seems to work. Maybe it’s my personality? I don’t have a ton of patience and I get overwhelmed quickly.

I could have written this. I have read all the books. I have done all of the parenting coaching. Every therapy. But I get overwhelmed and easily upset.

What I learned like three days ago that helped me was to say,

This meltdown is not a referendum on my skill as a parent.

For me, t’s so incredibly helpful in the moment.