This is the first year in 13 years that I have completely dropped the rope with DH’s family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if this is a generational thing. Millennial here - and I agree with the PP who said she does not recognize this dynamic in her marriage. For those in the thick of it, how does it begin? I am newly (ish) married, and I guess I just can’t imagine my in laws calling me instead of their son (my DH) to plan things, even though we are really close. So, my question is, how does this dynamic develop in a family?

I’m Gen X. My husband is 55. He has always handled everything with his family. And he is really good at it. He is generally more thoughtful than I am when it comes to gift giving, etc. He is also just really close with his family — my family is more complicated and not as close. His family is an hour away and we see them once or twice a month. But the reality is that this is unusual. For many generations, the expectation was that the wife managed the family/home front. And this still exists as shown in a boatload of studies about what division of labor looks like. It starts with your MIL calling the “new wife” to organize the holidays. It starts with women doing all the Xmas shopping. It starts with the idea that the mom controls access to the kids. [u]I know so many in the grandparent generation (varying from being in their 50s-80s) that completely blame the wife if they don’t get enough phone calls from their sons, etc. I usually gently call them out on it, but they don’t change their minds.

This may be getting better, but it still exists for many families.

Well summarized, pp. I’d also add that the ILs get tired of asking their son questions that he doesn’t know the answer and want to cut to the chase (wife). How many dads can come up with more than one gift idea or are aware of school/holiday obligations for the entire family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like this was a good decision for you personally, but what effect does this have on your kids? Will they now get unwanted gifts from the in-laws? Will their relationship with them suffer.

In my extended family one of my nephews wives does a similar divide and conquer with her husband. The net result is that we rarely get to see those kids. Her family gets a massive amount of time and access. Over time the relationship and respect towards that family has deteriorated. It’s unfortunate because we love them dearly but rarely get to see those kids. I see my other nieces and nephews and their children regularly. It’s a close and functional family but there is always this undercurrent of tension.

Why is that the OP’s problem??

Good for you, OP! I did the same when my kids were younger and shocker: my DH didn’t pick up any of the physical or emotional labor. That has, indeed, resulted in a less close relationship with his side of the family but how/why am I supposed to do everything for both sides?!?!

There’s that ridiculous ohrase again - “emotional labor”. Gag! Stop with that nonsense. Maintaining relationships is not “liabor”. I’m not saying you have to put the work into his side of the family but that term you keep using is utter crap.

Since it's so easy, why don't you do it for her then?

My dh doesn't even know if/when we're visiting his parents (who are a 3 hour drive away) over the Christmas holidays. Yes, Christmas is in 6 days. His family could help him by picking up the phone and calling but they won't. He's slammed. I work even longer hours, make more money, and have already planned everything else for our family and kids. No way am I adding to my burden.

Your first comment is just childish. You sound like a toddler.

As for the rest, we’ll then sure. If YOU are carrying the bigger load with money and career, yes HE should do the “emotional labor” more. See how it works? It’s called team work.

PP here. I completely disagree. No matter how much money someone makes or doesn't make, they should only have to manage their own extended family. Why should a wife have to manage her husband's family? I don't know of any man who completely manages his wife's family.

I have NEVER heard of a man getting involved at all.

I know of one guy who managed both sides of the family but it was only because his wife was terminally ill. Maybe our husbands would handle this if we were dying. Maybe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like this was a good decision for you personally, but what effect does this have on your kids? Will they now get unwanted gifts from the in-laws? Will their relationship with them suffer.

In my extended family one of my nephews wives does a similar divide and conquer with her husband. The net result is that we rarely get to see those kids. Her family gets a massive amount of time and access. Over time the relationship and respect towards that family has deteriorated. It’s unfortunate because we love them dearly but rarely get to see those kids. I see my other nieces and nephews and their children regularly. It’s a close and functional family but there is always this undercurrent of tension.

That's on your nephew, not his wife.

You are absolutely correct. It’s my nephew who is primarily at fault here. But the reality is that he is working crazy hours and traveling constantly and has little time. His wife has much more flexibility to make these kinds of things happen. She is the stay at home. It is not her “fault”. But the net result is the same. We rarely see them. It’s easy to say the obvious things that she is not responsible. And she isn’t. But it’s the kids that miss out.

He is not "primarily" at fault. He is 100% at fault.

We are all busy. We do things that we care about and leave the rest. That's it.

+1
Stop pretending poor nephew is so busy. While he sits in a hotel room alone at night his wife is putting kids to bed.

[Anonymous]

I love my ILs but my husband is still the point person for stuff on his side. But if he asks me for help I am happy to help. The same goes the other way, I'm the point person for my parents but my H helps me if I need help. We're around 50 if that matters. We also don't do gifts on his side of the family...just birthday presents for kids. Every year around now we make a family calendar where everyone gets a couple of months to upload pictures, then my MIL prints and sends them. It takes me less than 30 minutes to choose, upload, and sort my pages for it. And we enjoy the calendar all year long. I get my parents gifts which I take on...I wouldn't expect my H to figure that out. And it's just the two of them (I'm an only) so no big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maintaining relationships with one's family of origin is not a spouse's responsibility under any circumstances. I never even contemplated picking up a rope when we got married. DH can be as close or as distant from his family as he wants. I support him in his action or inaction. This has never been an issue in our marriage.

Same here.

[Anonymous]

If it's important you find a way. If it's not, you find an excuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like this was a good decision for you personally, but what effect does this have on your kids? Will they now get unwanted gifts from the in-laws? Will their relationship with them suffer.

In my extended family one of my nephews wives does a similar divide and conquer with her husband. The net result is that we rarely get to see those kids. Her family gets a massive amount of time and access. Over time the relationship and respect towards that family has deteriorated. It’s unfortunate because we love them dearly but rarely get to see those kids. I see my other nieces and nephews and their children regularly. It’s a close and functional family but there is always this undercurrent of tension.

That's on your nephew, not his wife.

You are absolutely correct. It’s my nephew who is primarily at fault here. But the reality is that he is working crazy hours and traveling constantly and has little time. His wife has much more flexibility to make these kinds of things happen. She is the stay at home. It is not her “fault”. But the net result is the same. We rarely see them. It’s easy to say the obvious things that she is not responsible. And she isn’t. But it’s the kids that miss out.

Sounds like they’re not missing out on much more than good ol’ misogyny alive and well in your family. He has a job outside the home; she has a job at home. See how that works? You may perceive that she has more “free time” but perhaps she doesn’t choose to spend her free time or energy on acting like an unpaid secretary.

Want to see your nephew and his kids? CALL HIM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After a horrific blow up last spring in which I was blamed and made the scapegoat. In the summer I said to him, no more. I don’t mind seeing them but you will do 100% of the hosting and need to be home for 100% of their visit- taking off work if necessary.

Therefore, for the holidays this year we are:

Not seeing or hosting them (he never planned it)

Not exchanging adult gifts (he decided he didn’t want to do it despite me saying that for years)

Also, he was in charge of giving them all the kids gift ideas as they want specific links to things to buy for the kids and want to chose from the options. He keeps complaining about this and it’s unclear if he’s done it as of today (I have provided these links the last 13 years).

I feel so free and happier than I have been in years! Why didn’t I do this earlier?!

I will one day advise my adult daughter- do not do the work for the husbands family, make him step up and do it. You cannot win. If you do it well, no one seems to care and you have just done a ton of work. If you mess up, you’ll be criticized. None of this is good for your marriage or yourself.

I have been married for 34 years, so take my opinions as you will. 55 years old. Adult kids and now grandkids. The advise you plan to give your daughter sucks. My husband's family IS my family. My family IS his family. To be honest, you sound kinda awful. The kind of behaviors you listed do not bode well for a long, happy marriage. Be sure to prepare for life as a single mother in case I'm right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After a horrific blow up last spring in which I was blamed and made the scapegoat. In the summer I said to him, no more. I don’t mind seeing them but you will do 100% of the hosting and need to be home for 100% of their visit- taking off work if necessary.

Therefore, for the holidays this year we are:

Not seeing or hosting them (he never planned it)

Not exchanging adult gifts (he decided he didn’t want to do it despite me saying that for years)

Also, he was in charge of giving them all the kids gift ideas as they want specific links to things to buy for the kids and want to chose from the options. He keeps complaining about this and it’s unclear if he’s done it as of today (I have provided these links the last 13 years).

I feel so free and happier than I have been in years! Why didn’t I do this earlier?!

I will one day advise my adult daughter- do not do the work for the husbands family, make him step up and do it. You cannot win. If you do it well, no one seems to care and you have just done a ton of work. If you mess up, you’ll be criticized. None of this is good for your marriage or yourself.

I have been married for 34 years, so take my opinions as you will. 55 years old. Adult kids and now grandkids. The advise you plan to give your daughter sucks. My husband's family IS my family. My family IS his family. To be honest, you sound kinda awful. The kind of behaviors you listed do not bode well for a long, happy marriage. Be sure to prepare for life as a single mother in case I'm right.

Np. You must have sons. I would never willingly tell my daughter to put up with a man who can’t call his parents and arrange things. It is not her job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like this was a good decision for you personally, but what effect does this have on your kids? Will they now get unwanted gifts from the in-laws? Will their relationship with them suffer.

In my extended family one of my nephews wives does a similar divide and conquer with her husband. The net result is that we rarely get to see those kids. Her family gets a massive amount of time and access. Over time the relationship and respect towards that family has deteriorated. It’s unfortunate because we love them dearly but rarely get to see those kids. I see my other nieces and nephews and their children regularly. It’s a close and functional family but there is always this undercurrent of tension.

NP. God forbid someone gets them a gift that wasn't on an approved list! They might even have to write a thank-you note for it. Yes, someone please think of the kids!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After a horrific blow up last spring in which I was blamed and made the scapegoat. In the summer I said to him, no more. I don’t mind seeing them but you will do 100% of the hosting and need to be home for 100% of their visit- taking off work if necessary.

Therefore, for the holidays this year we are:

Not seeing or hosting them (he never planned it)

Not exchanging adult gifts (he decided he didn’t want to do it despite me saying that for years)

Also, he was in charge of giving them all the kids gift ideas as they want specific links to things to buy for the kids and want to chose from the options. He keeps complaining about this and it’s unclear if he’s done it as of today (I have provided these links the last 13 years).

I feel so free and happier than I have been in years! Why didn’t I do this earlier?!

I will one day advise my adult daughter- do not do the work for the husbands family, make him step up and do it. You cannot win. If you do it well, no one seems to care and you have just done a ton of work. If you mess up, you’ll be criticized. None of this is good for your marriage or yourself.

I have been married for 34 years, so take my opinions as you will. 55 years old. Adult kids and now grandkids. The advise you plan to give your daughter sucks. My husband's family IS my family. My family IS his family. To be honest, you sound kinda awful. The kind of behaviors you listed do not bode well for a long, happy marriage. Be sure to prepare for life as a single mother in case I'm right.

May God and Jesus and the angels read what you have written, and may it be inscribed on your gravestone for all to know. Memento Mori.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After a horrific blow up last spring in which I was blamed and made the scapegoat. In the summer I said to him, no more. I don’t mind seeing them but you will do 100% of the hosting and need to be home for 100% of their visit- taking off work if necessary.

Therefore, for the holidays this year we are:

Not seeing or hosting them (he never planned it)

Not exchanging adult gifts (he decided he didn’t want to do it despite me saying that for years)

Also, he was in charge of giving them all the kids gift ideas as they want specific links to things to buy for the kids and want to chose from the options. He keeps complaining about this and it’s unclear if he’s done it as of today (I have provided these links the last 13 years).

I feel so free and happier than I have been in years! Why didn’t I do this earlier?!

I will one day advise my adult daughter- do not do the work for the husbands family, make him step up and do it. You cannot win. If you do it well, no one seems to care and you have just done a ton of work. If you mess up, you’ll be criticized. None of this is good for your marriage or yourself.

I have been married for 34 years, so take my opinions as you will. 55 years old. Adult kids and now grandkids. The advise you plan to give your daughter sucks. My husband's family IS my family. My family IS his family. To be honest, you sound kinda awful. The kind of behaviors you listed do not bode well for a long, happy marriage. Be sure to prepare for life as a single mother in case I'm right.

I’m a different poster and actually YOU suck. I’ve been happily married for 25 years and my inlaws are AWFUL people. I couldn't wait to have a relationship with them but they are not good people. Racists is a nice word to describe them. So, it was really hard to make them my family. Impossible actually goven my race.

And, I agree with the PP: I’ve spoken to both my daughter and son about the importance of balance snd not taking on/expecting female partners to do all of the unspoken/never a knowledged/never unpaid work. Hey, your daughter can still
do it. Good luck to her. But, I hope my kids do a better job than that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if this is a generational thing. Millennial here - and I agree with the PP who said she does not recognize this dynamic in her marriage. For those in the thick of it, how does it begin? I am newly (ish) married, and I guess I just can’t imagine my in laws calling me instead of their son (my DH) to plan things, even though we are really close. So, my question is, how does this dynamic develop in a family?

I’m Gen X. My husband is 55. He has always handled everything with his family. And he is really good at it. He is generally more thoughtful than I am when it comes to gift giving, etc. He is also just really close with his family — my family is more complicated and not as close. His family is an hour away and we see them once or twice a month. But the reality is that this is unusual. For many generations, the expectation was that the wife managed the family/home front. And this still exists as shown in a boatload of studies about what division of labor looks like. It starts with your MIL calling the “new wife” to organize the holidays. It starts with women doing all the Xmas shopping. It starts with the idea that the mom controls access to the kids. [u]I know so many in the grandparent generation (varying from being in their 50s-80s) that completely blame the wife if they don’t get enough phone calls from their sons, etc. I usually gently call them out on it, but they don’t change their minds.

This may be getting better, but it still exists for many families.

Well summarized, pp. I’d also add that the ILs get tired of asking their son questions that he doesn’t know the answer and want to cut to the chase (wife). How many dads can come up with more than one gift idea or are aware of school/holiday obligations for the entire family?

No offense but these in-laws raised their son to not know family holiday schedules, to think of gifts for others and to plan things. You reap what you sow. Plenty of parents prepare their sons to be better sons and husbands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like this was a good decision for you personally, but what effect does this have on your kids? Will they now get unwanted gifts from the in-laws? Will their relationship with them suffer.

In my extended family one of my nephews wives does a similar divide and conquer with her husband. The net result is that we rarely get to see those kids. Her family gets a massive amount of time and access. Over time the relationship and respect towards that family has deteriorated. It’s unfortunate because we love them dearly but rarely get to see those kids. I see my other nieces and nephews and their children regularly. It’s a close and functional family but there is always this undercurrent of tension.

That's on your nephew, not his wife.

You are absolutely correct. It’s my nephew who is primarily at fault here. But the reality is that he is working crazy hours and traveling constantly and has little time. His wife has much more flexibility to make these kinds of things happen. She is the stay at home. It is not her “fault”. But the net result is the same. We rarely see them. It’s easy to say the obvious things that she is not responsible. And she isn’t. But it’s the kids that miss out.

He is not "primarily" at fault. He is 100% at fault.

We are all busy. We do things that we care about and leave the rest. That's it.

+1
Stop pretending poor nephew is so busy. While he sits in a hotel room alone at night his wife is putting kids to bed.

+1

Grandmothers who had uninvolved/detached spouses want their DILs to have uninvolved/detached spouses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it's important you find a way. If it's not, you find an excuse.

+1