Blindsided by in-laws inviting random cousin to Thanksgiving gathering?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe that people can redeem themselves from criminal mistakes made in their youth, but ultimately the support of the family for victims trumps that of the offender. Your DH seems to acknowledge that his family has every right to support the cousin. You are the one who wants to brush things under the rug because you are ashamed of your DH and your kids finding out about it.

The best parenting you and DH could do is for your DH to honestly acknowledge the HUGE mistake he made and explain to your sons that the consequences of his actions will follow him around for the rest of his life. The professional and legal repercussions and the personal/familial repercussions. One of which is that his family supports the cousins who made reasonable accusations given your DH's sex offenses.

Sexual predators can NEVER be redeemed or rehabilitated.

Why do you say this?

Are you really unaware that they have the highest recidivism rate? You seem like you’re just trolling.

OP here: I want to make it clear I wasn’t that poster. I am aware of the recidivism rate. His crimes are something I have had to come terms with and my decisions were made intelligently and made based on who he is and what he has done to better himself.

I know my husband, and I know how much work he has put in to better himself following his crimes. Because of that, I fully believe he has rehabilitated himself. I know that isn’t a guarantee he won’t struggle or even commit another crime, but I had to ask myself whether I believe he would be a part of those statistics. I think my answer to that question should be clear based on my decisions.

Your decision... to voice your displeasure that your in-laws invited a whistle-blower to their own home? You realize you cannot control who a home-owner invites; and that in this particular case, you REALLY don't have any right, since your husband is the person who seemed to be (or actually was) grooming a teen?

Your husband may be totally innocent in the letter-writing thing. But not many people will believe it since he has a prior history in a related activity. You really MUST understand this.

I hope you're a troll. If you're not, I would be very careful when inviting your children's friends into your home. Please never leave them alone with your husband, and make sure there are no hidden cameras anywhere in the house. Be very wary if your husband seeks to get a position of authority over minors: coach, school or church volunteer, carpool driver, etc... He seems to have that profile, unfortunately. Don't kid yourself. If his brain has these types of urges, it's really hard for him to resist without therapy or meds. It's not something you just snap out of. It's serious disorder.

OP here: My DH is fully compliant with all terms of his conviction. For a brief period he worked at an elementary school in a position with zero interaction with minors. He wasn’t seeking out a job at a school, however it was one he was qualified for. Prior to applying for this position, and prior to accepting it he discussed the specifics of the job with his parole officer and was told (incorrectly) that this would not be a violation (this was, as it turned out, not true).

He has consistently been in therapy and has (at times) been prescribed medication. Therapy was a condition of his release, and he has continued in therapy as it has been highly beneficial to him, both to address his issues that led to these decisions, but also to better improve himself.

Also, not to justify what he did, but I need to clarify that DH is not a pedophile. That does not diminish his crimes, but it does put them in perspective. He took several upskirt photos, one of which was of a 17 year old teenager. He did not know or have any reason to believe she was underage. He would never place himself in a position of authority over minors, and has no issues with his conditions of release prohibiting taking such positions, but I can tell you directly that the day he learned that one of his photos was of a minor, it broke him. Because it wasn’t his intention or desire to do so.

He took a job at an elementary school. It's absolute bullshit that that's the only job he could get.

Just because you believe his lies don't expect others to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe that people can redeem themselves from criminal mistakes made in their youth, but ultimately the support of the family for victims trumps that of the offender. Your DH seems to acknowledge that his family has every right to support the cousin. You are the one who wants to brush things under the rug because you are ashamed of your DH and your kids finding out about it.

The best parenting you and DH could do is for your DH to honestly acknowledge the HUGE mistake he made and explain to your sons that the consequences of his actions will follow him around for the rest of his life. The professional and legal repercussions and the personal/familial repercussions. One of which is that his family supports the cousins who made reasonable accusations given your DH's sex offenses.

Sexual predators can NEVER be redeemed or rehabilitated.

Why do you say this?

Are you really unaware that they have the highest recidivism rate? You seem like you’re just trolling.

OP here: I want to make it clear I wasn’t that poster. I am aware of the recidivism rate. His crimes are something I have had to come terms with and my decisions were made intelligently and made based on who he is and what he has done to better himself.

I know my husband, and I know how much work he has put in to better himself following his crimes. Because of that, I fully believe he has rehabilitated himself. I know that isn’t a guarantee he won’t struggle or even commit another crime, but I had to ask myself whether I believe he would be a part of those statistics. I think my answer to that question should be clear based on my decisions.

Your decision... to voice your displeasure that your in-laws invited a whistle-blower to their own home? You realize you cannot control who a home-owner invites; and that in this particular case, you REALLY don't have any right, since your husband is the person who seemed to be (or actually was) grooming a teen?

Your husband may be totally innocent in the letter-writing thing. But not many people will believe it since he has a prior history in a related activity. You really MUST understand this.

I hope you're a troll. If you're not, I would be very careful when inviting your children's friends into your home. Please never leave them alone with your husband, and make sure there are no hidden cameras anywhere in the house. Be very wary if your husband seeks to get a position of authority over minors: coach, school or church volunteer, carpool driver, etc... He seems to have that profile, unfortunately. Don't kid yourself. If his brain has these types of urges, it's really hard for him to resist without therapy or meds. It's not something you just snap out of. It's serious disorder.

OP here: My DH is fully compliant with all terms of his conviction. For a brief period he worked at an elementary school in a position with zero interaction with minors. He wasn’t seeking out a job at a school, however it was one he was qualified for. Prior to applying for this position, and prior to accepting it he discussed the specifics of the job with his parole officer and was told (incorrectly) that this would not be a violation (this was, as it turned out, not true).

He has consistently been in therapy and has (at times) been prescribed medication. Therapy was a condition of his release, and he has continued in therapy as it has been highly beneficial to him, both to address his issues that led to these decisions, but also to better improve himself.

Also, not to justify what he did, but I need to clarify that DH is not a pedophile. That does not diminish his crimes, but it does put them in perspective. He took several upskirt photos, one of which was of a 17 year old teenager. He did not know or have any reason to believe she was underage. He would never place himself in a position of authority over minors, and has no issues with his conditions of release prohibiting taking such positions, but I can tell you directly that the day he learned that one of his photos was of a minor, it broke him. Because it wasn’t his intention or desire to do so.

How is taking upskirt pics of a minor not being a pedophile?

Your sons will either be abused, or abusers themselves. So sad. Gross. How can you sleep at night? Literally asking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is a predator. He should do everyone a favor and stay the f*** home.

Seriously. People are probably mad that he’s at the holiday gathering. You had kids with this man!!!!!!!

[Anonymous]

OMG, OP. WOW. The fact that your husband's cousin is willing to be in a room with him says he is the bigger person. WOW.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe that people can redeem themselves from criminal mistakes made in their youth, but ultimately the support of the family for victims trumps that of the offender. Your DH seems to acknowledge that his family has every right to support the cousin. You are the one who wants to brush things under the rug because you are ashamed of your DH and your kids finding out about it.

The best parenting you and DH could do is for your DH to honestly acknowledge the HUGE mistake he made and explain to your sons that the consequences of his actions will follow him around for the rest of his life. The professional and legal repercussions and the personal/familial repercussions. One of which is that his family supports the cousins who made reasonable accusations given your DH's sex offenses.

Sexual predators can NEVER be redeemed or rehabilitated.

Why do you say this?

Are you really unaware that they have the highest recidivism rate? You seem like you’re just trolling.

OP here: I want to make it clear I wasn’t that poster. I am aware of the recidivism rate. His crimes are something I have had to come terms with and my decisions were made intelligently and made based on who he is and what he has done to better himself.

I know my husband, and I know how much work he has put in to better himself following his crimes. Because of that, I fully believe he has rehabilitated himself. I know that isn’t a guarantee he won’t struggle or even commit another crime, but I had to ask myself whether I believe he would be a part of those statistics. I think my answer to that question should be clear based on my decisions.

Your decision... to voice your displeasure that your in-laws invited a whistle-blower to their own home? You realize you cannot control who a home-owner invites; and that in this particular case, you REALLY don't have any right, since your husband is the person who seemed to be (or actually was) grooming a teen?

Your husband may be totally innocent in the letter-writing thing. But not many people will believe it since he has a prior history in a related activity. You really MUST understand this.

I hope you're a troll. If you're not, I would be very careful when inviting your children's friends into your home. Please never leave them alone with your husband, and make sure there are no hidden cameras anywhere in the house. Be very wary if your husband seeks to get a position of authority over minors: coach, school or church volunteer, carpool driver, etc... He seems to have that profile, unfortunately. Don't kid yourself. If his brain has these types of urges, it's really hard for him to resist without therapy or meds. It's not something you just snap out of. It's serious disorder.

OP here: My DH is fully compliant with all terms of his conviction. For a brief period he worked at an elementary school in a position with zero interaction with minors. He wasn’t seeking out a job at a school, however it was one he was qualified for. Prior to applying for this position, and prior to accepting it he discussed the specifics of the job with his parole officer and was told (incorrectly) that this would not be a violation (this was, as it turned out, not true).

He has consistently been in therapy and has (at times) been prescribed medication. Therapy was a condition of his release, and he has continued in therapy as it has been highly beneficial to him, both to address his issues that led to these decisions, but also to better improve himself.

Also, not to justify what he did, but I need to clarify that DH is not a pedophile. That does not diminish his crimes, but it does put them in perspective. He took several upskirt photos, one of which was of a 17 year old teenager. He did not know or have any reason to believe she was underage. He would never place himself in a position of authority over minors, and has no issues with his conditions of release prohibiting taking such positions, but I can tell you directly that the day he learned that one of his photos was of a minor, it broke him. Because it wasn’t his intention or desire to do so.

How is taking upskirt pics of a minor not being a pedophile?

Your sons will either be abused, or abusers themselves. So sad. Gross. How can you sleep at night? Literally asking.

NP. While OP describes a horrific scenario, these childish personal insults are nasty and unnecessary. Stick to calm criticisms and pointing out the obvious about her husband.

[Anonymous]

He has a parole officer. That means he was incarcerated. That’s enough for me. I would not be attending anything with your husband ever.

[Anonymous]

OP,

Can you address YOUR behavior here? Because that was the original intent of the thread.

I hope you realized through discussing this situation that your behavior was rude. Your husband is not the good guy here. He can but suffer the decisions of his parents as to whom they choose to invite, and the most he can do is decline to come.

YOU should not have said a word. Marriage does not mean you have to side with a perpetrator, or a perceived perp. As the spouse of someone who is very dodgy indeed, and will remain so for the rest of his life, all you can do is stay silent in these circumstances. If you're happy with this, you can divorce.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, if you're UNhappy with this, you can divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP has no business sticking her nose into anything, much less giving her ILs ultimatums about who they can or cannot invite to their homes. Glad they’re sticking to their guns. OP can take her toys and go home in a huff if she so chooses.

This is crazy. OP does not want them to invite the person who stepped up and reported her DH and possibly saved a child from his abuse. You would think the family’s members would not want the pedo to be invited. She is trying to protect her pedo husband. So gross and evil.

[Anonymous]

OP you have NO RIGHT to be upset that this cousin is willing to be in the same room as your husband. The cousin is the better person here, he's willing to accept your husband for who he is now. You have no right to be upset at him for doing the right thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe that people can redeem themselves from criminal mistakes made in their youth, but ultimately the support of the family for victims trumps that of the offender. Your DH seems to acknowledge that his family has every right to support the cousin. You are the one who wants to brush things under the rug because you are ashamed of your DH and your kids finding out about it.

The best parenting you and DH could do is for your DH to honestly acknowledge the HUGE mistake he made and explain to your sons that the consequences of his actions will follow him around for the rest of his life. The professional and legal repercussions and the personal/familial repercussions. One of which is that his family supports the cousins who made reasonable accusations given your DH's sex offenses.

Sexual predators can NEVER be redeemed or rehabilitated.

Why do you say this?

Are you really unaware that they have the highest recidivism rate? You seem like you’re just trolling.

OP here: I want to make it clear I wasn’t that poster. I am aware of the recidivism rate. His crimes are something I have had to come terms with and my decisions were made intelligently and made based on who he is and what he has done to better himself.

I know my husband, and I know how much work he has put in to better himself following his crimes. Because of that, I fully believe he has rehabilitated himself. I know that isn’t a guarantee he won’t struggle or even commit another crime, but I had to ask myself whether I believe he would be a part of those statistics. I think my answer to that question should be clear based on my decisions.

Your decision... to voice your displeasure that your in-laws invited a whistle-blower to their own home? You realize you cannot control who a home-owner invites; and that in this particular case, you REALLY don't have any right, since your husband is the person who seemed to be (or actually was) grooming a teen?

Your husband may be totally innocent in the letter-writing thing. But not many people will believe it since he has a prior history in a related activity. You really MUST understand this.

I hope you're a troll. If you're not, I would be very careful when inviting your children's friends into your home. Please never leave them alone with your husband, and make sure there are no hidden cameras anywhere in the house. Be very wary if your husband seeks to get a position of authority over minors: coach, school or church volunteer, carpool driver, etc... He seems to have that profile, unfortunately. Don't kid yourself. If his brain has these types of urges, it's really hard for him to resist without therapy or meds. It's not something you just snap out of. It's serious disorder.

OP here: My DH is fully compliant with all terms of his conviction. For a brief period he worked at an elementary school in a position with zero interaction with minors. He wasn’t seeking out a job at a school, however it was one he was qualified for. Prior to applying for this position, and prior to accepting it he discussed the specifics of the job with his parole officer and was told (incorrectly) that this would not be a violation (this was, as it turned out, not true).

He has consistently been in therapy and has (at times) been prescribed medication. Therapy was a condition of his release, and he has continued in therapy as it has been highly beneficial to him, both to address his issues that led to these decisions, but also to better improve himself.

Also, not to justify what he did, but I need to clarify that DH is not a pedophile. That does not diminish his crimes, but it does put them in perspective. He took several upskirt photos, one of which was of a 17 year old teenager. He did not know or have any reason to believe she was underage. He would never place himself in a position of authority over minors, and has no issues with his conditions of release prohibiting taking such positions, but I can tell you directly that the day he learned that one of his photos was of a minor, it broke him. Because it wasn’t his intention or desire to do so.

How is taking upskirt pics of a minor not being a pedophile?

Your sons will either be abused, or abusers themselves. So sad. Gross. How can you sleep at night? Literally asking.

NP. While OP describes a horrific scenario, these childish personal insults are nasty and unnecessary. Stick to calm criticisms and pointing out the obvious about her husband.

It’s not childish to ask a woman why she would knowingly marry and procreate with a sex offender who abused a minor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you have NO RIGHT to be upset that this cousin is willing to be in the same room as your husband. The cousin is the better person here, he's willing to accept your husband for who he is now. You have no right to be upset at him for doing the right thing.

She does not want cousin there because she is ashamed and embarrassed. And both she and pedo dh should be. Better yet.. stay home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe that people can redeem themselves from criminal mistakes made in their youth, but ultimately the support of the family for victims trumps that of the offender. Your DH seems to acknowledge that his family has every right to support the cousin. You are the one who wants to brush things under the rug because you are ashamed of your DH and your kids finding out about it.

The best parenting you and DH could do is for your DH to honestly acknowledge the HUGE mistake he made and explain to your sons that the consequences of his actions will follow him around for the rest of his life. The professional and legal repercussions and the personal/familial repercussions. One of which is that his family supports the cousins who made reasonable accusations given your DH's sex offenses.

Sexual predators can NEVER be redeemed or rehabilitated.

Why do you say this?

Are you really unaware that they have the highest recidivism rate? You seem like you’re just trolling.

OP here: I want to make it clear I wasn’t that poster. I am aware of the recidivism rate. His crimes are something I have had to come terms with and my decisions were made intelligently and made based on who he is and what he has done to better himself.

I know my husband, and I know how much work he has put in to better himself following his crimes. Because of that, I fully believe he has rehabilitated himself. I know that isn’t a guarantee he won’t struggle or even commit another crime, but I had to ask myself whether I believe he would be a part of those statistics. I think my answer to that question should be clear based on my decisions.

Your decision... to voice your displeasure that your in-laws invited a whistle-blower to their own home? You realize you cannot control who a home-owner invites; and that in this particular case, you REALLY don't have any right, since your husband is the person who seemed to be (or actually was) grooming a teen?

Your husband may be totally innocent in the letter-writing thing. But not many people will believe it since he has a prior history in a related activity. You really MUST understand this.

I hope you're a troll. If you're not, I would be very careful when inviting your children's friends into your home. Please never leave them alone with your husband, and make sure there are no hidden cameras anywhere in the house. Be very wary if your husband seeks to get a position of authority over minors: coach, school or church volunteer, carpool driver, etc... He seems to have that profile, unfortunately. Don't kid yourself. If his brain has these types of urges, it's really hard for him to resist without therapy or meds. It's not something you just snap out of. It's serious disorder.

OP here: My DH is fully compliant with all terms of his conviction. For a brief period he worked at an elementary school in a position with zero interaction with minors. He wasn’t seeking out a job at a school, however it was one he was qualified for. Prior to applying for this position, and prior to accepting it he discussed the specifics of the job with his parole officer and was told (incorrectly) that this would not be a violation (this was, as it turned out, not true).

He has consistently been in therapy and has (at times) been prescribed medication. Therapy was a condition of his release, and he has continued in therapy as it has been highly beneficial to him, both to address his issues that led to these decisions, but also to better improve himself.

Also, not to justify what he did, but I need to clarify that DH is not a pedophile. That does not diminish his crimes, but it does put them in perspective. He took several upskirt photos, one of which was of a 17 year old teenager. He did not know or have any reason to believe she was underage. He would never place himself in a position of authority over minors, and has no issues with his conditions of release prohibiting taking such positions, but I can tell you directly that the day he learned that one of his photos was of a minor, it broke him. Because it wasn’t his intention or desire to do so.

How is taking upskirt pics of a minor not being a pedophile?

Your sons will either be abused, or abusers themselves. So sad. Gross. How can you sleep at night? Literally asking.

NP. While OP describes a horrific scenario, these childish personal insults are nasty and unnecessary. Stick to calm criticisms and pointing out the obvious about her husband.

It’s not childish to ask a woman why she would knowingly marry and procreate with a sex offender who abused a minor.

But that's not what some of you are doing. One of you said OP must be pathetically insecure to settle for this guy, the immediate pp asked how she could sleep at night. Grow up. The facts are bad enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe that people can redeem themselves from criminal mistakes made in their youth, but ultimately the support of the family for victims trumps that of the offender. Your DH seems to acknowledge that his family has every right to support the cousin. You are the one who wants to brush things under the rug because you are ashamed of your DH and your kids finding out about it.

The best parenting you and DH could do is for your DH to honestly acknowledge the HUGE mistake he made and explain to your sons that the consequences of his actions will follow him around for the rest of his life. The professional and legal repercussions and the personal/familial repercussions. One of which is that his family supports the cousins who made reasonable accusations given your DH's sex offenses.

Sexual predators can NEVER be redeemed or rehabilitated.

Why do you say this?

Are you really unaware that they have the highest recidivism rate? You seem like you’re just trolling.

OP here: I want to make it clear I wasn’t that poster. I am aware of the recidivism rate. His crimes are something I have had to come terms with and my decisions were made intelligently and made based on who he is and what he has done to better himself.

I know my husband, and I know how much work he has put in to better himself following his crimes. Because of that, I fully believe he has rehabilitated himself. I know that isn’t a guarantee he won’t struggle or even commit another crime, but I had to ask myself whether I believe he would be a part of those statistics. I think my answer to that question should be clear based on my decisions.

Your decision... to voice your displeasure that your in-laws invited a whistle-blower to their own home? You realize you cannot control who a home-owner invites; and that in this particular case, you REALLY don't have any right, since your husband is the person who seemed to be (or actually was) grooming a teen?

Your husband may be totally innocent in the letter-writing thing. But not many people will believe it since he has a prior history in a related activity. You really MUST understand this.

I hope you're a troll. If you're not, I would be very careful when inviting your children's friends into your home. Please never leave them alone with your husband, and make sure there are no hidden cameras anywhere in the house. Be very wary if your husband seeks to get a position of authority over minors: coach, school or church volunteer, carpool driver, etc... He seems to have that profile, unfortunately. Don't kid yourself. If his brain has these types of urges, it's really hard for him to resist without therapy or meds. It's not something you just snap out of. It's serious disorder.

OP here: My DH is fully compliant with all terms of his conviction. For a brief period he worked at an elementary school in a position with zero interaction with minors. He wasn’t seeking out a job at a school, however it was one he was qualified for. Prior to applying for this position, and prior to accepting it he discussed the specifics of the job with his parole officer and was told (incorrectly) that this would not be a violation (this was, as it turned out, not true).

He has consistently been in therapy and has (at times) been prescribed medication. Therapy was a condition of his release, and he has continued in therapy as it has been highly beneficial to him, both to address his issues that led to these decisions, but also to better improve himself.

Also, not to justify what he did, but I need to clarify that DH is not a pedophile. That does not diminish his crimes, but it does put them in perspective. He took several upskirt photos, one of which was of a 17 year old teenager. He did not know or have any reason to believe she was underage. He would never place himself in a position of authority over minors, and has no issues with his conditions of release prohibiting taking such positions, but I can tell you directly that the day he learned that one of his photos was of a minor, it broke him. Because it wasn’t his intention or desire to do so.

How is taking upskirt pics of a minor not being a pedophile?

Your sons will either be abused, or abusers themselves. So sad. Gross. How can you sleep at night? Literally asking.

NP. While OP describes a horrific scenario, these childish personal insults are nasty and unnecessary. Stick to calm criticisms and pointing out the obvious about her husband.

It’s not childish to ask a woman why she would knowingly marry and procreate with a sex offender who abused a minor.

Why on earth would you expect a person described thusly to give you an answer that satisfied you? Come on. She is defending and minimizing his behavior, as many, many have done before about partners with this history.

FWIW I completely believe that OP’s husband is unlikely to be someone who specifically seeks out kids. Predators like that are generally very specific and their history would be unlikely to include abusing adult women. I think it’s a stretch to have a real fear that the man described is a danger to young children. A 17yo is easily mistaken for an 18yo, so arguably he’s a bigger threat to older teen girls. Either way, OP is not going to give you a real answer about why she chose what she chose.

[Anonymous]

He was sad because the teenager he was taking photos of was 17 and not 18.