Blindsided by in-laws inviting random cousin to Thanksgiving gathering?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DELETE THIS THREAD

Stop trying to police this forum. Scroll past this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What did DH do that resulted in legal trouble and getting fired from a school job?

Sorry, but this sounds like sexual abuse of a much younger cousin.

If that's not the story, explain. Because if you told me this exactly as you posted here, my kids would never be in the same room as your DH.

How on earth did you get there? Kind of an illogical leap. Signed/ a child sex crimes prosecutor.

[Anonymous]

Sorry I didn’t think my post went through. So all cagey descriptions leads you to conclude child sex abuse? And I thought I was a cynic!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What did DH do that resulted in legal trouble and getting fired from a school job?

Sorry, but this sounds like sexual abuse of a much younger cousin.

If that's not the story, explain. Because if you told me this exactly as you posted here, my kids would never be in the same room as your DH.

How on earth did you get there? Kind of an illogical leap. Signed/ a child sex crimes prosecutor.

You really should read the entire thread

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry I didn’t think my post went through. So all cagey descriptions leads you to conclude child sex abuse? And I thought I was a cynic!

I was an investigator. I’m extremely cynical. I can’t even tell you how many moms, wives, and girlfriends I’ve heard say the same sh*t OP is saying. Name me something that would get a person fired from a school job based on accusation alone other than child sexual abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry I didn’t think my post went through. So all cagey descriptions leads you to conclude child sex abuse? And I thought I was a cynic!

It seems you are the op trying to detail do people stop eviscerating you for marring a sexual predator

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What did DH do that resulted in legal trouble and getting fired from a school job?

Sorry, but this sounds like sexual abuse of a much younger cousin.

If that's not the story, explain. Because if you told me this exactly as you posted here, my kids would never be in the same room as your DH.

OP here: There was zero abuse.

He was charged with voyourism ten years ago. He had taken a few upskirt photos of women, including a teenager (he was not aware of this) over the course of a few years.

Said cousin accused him of trying to groom his (cousin’s) younger sister. This stemmed from the fact DH had started writing letters to his younger sister (pre-pubescent at the time) after a family reunion a few years prior. There was no substance to these claims, again the only underaged ‘victim’ in DH’s case was 17, and the letters were perfectly acceptable, it was just a penal relationship between cousins who lived across the country from each other. These accusations were only ever made by him (a teenager at the time), and vaguely by his sister, and their parents did not agree with them (the parents even provided financial assistance during the trial for legal costs). DH was never alone with his sister, or had any opportunity to be alone with her at the time.

Oh jesus. I guess i need to read the entire thread first. Are you a troll or an idiot?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry I didn’t think my post went through. So all cagey descriptions leads you to conclude child sex abuse? And I thought I was a cynic!

I was an investigator. I’m extremely cynical. I can’t even tell you how many moms, wives, and girlfriends I’ve heard say the same sh*t OP is saying. Name me something that would get a person fired from a school job based on accusation alone other than child sexual abuse.

OP clearly isn’t telling the truth on the termination. The husband committed a sex abuse crime. That alone would get them fired (or never hired) with a school system. The cousin contacting the school about the communication with his sister is a red herring. That isn’t what led to the firing/never hiring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe that people can redeem themselves from criminal mistakes made in their youth, but ultimately the support of the family for victims trumps that of the offender. Your DH seems to acknowledge that his family has every right to support the cousin. You are the one who wants to brush things under the rug because you are ashamed of your DH and your kids finding out about it.

The best parenting you and DH could do is for your DH to honestly acknowledge the HUGE mistake he made and explain to your sons that the consequences of his actions will follow him around for the rest of his life. The professional and legal repercussions and the personal/familial repercussions. One of which is that his family supports the cousins who made reasonable accusations given your DH's sex offenses.

Sexual predators can NEVER be redeemed or rehabilitated.

Why do you say this?

Are you really unaware that they have the highest recidivism rate? You seem like you’re just trolling.

OP here: I want to make it clear I wasn’t that poster. I am aware of the recidivism rate. His crimes are something I have had to come terms with and my decisions were made intelligently and made based on who he is and what he has done to better himself.

I know my husband, and I know how much work he has put in to better himself following his crimes. Because of that, I fully believe he has rehabilitated himself. I know that isn’t a guarantee he won’t struggle or even commit another crime, but I had to ask myself whether I believe he would be a part of those statistics. I think my answer to that question should be clear based on my decisions.

Your decision... to voice your displeasure that your in-laws invited a whistle-blower to their own home? You realize you cannot control who a home-owner invites; and that in this particular case, you REALLY don't have any right, since your husband is the person who seemed to be (or actually was) grooming a teen?

Your husband may be totally innocent in the letter-writing thing. But not many people will believe it since he has a prior history in a related activity. You really MUST understand this.

I hope you're a troll. If you're not, I would be very careful when inviting your children's friends into your home. Please never leave them alone with your husband, and make sure there are no hidden cameras anywhere in the house. Be very wary if your husband seeks to get a position of authority over minors: coach, school or church volunteer, carpool driver, etc... He seems to have that profile, unfortunately. Don't kid yourself. If his brain has these types of urges, it's really hard for him to resist without therapy or meds. It's not something you just snap out of. It's serious disorder.

OP here: My DH is fully compliant with all terms of his conviction. For a brief period he worked at an elementary school in a position with zero interaction with minors. He wasn’t seeking out a job at a school, however it was one he was qualified for. Prior to applying for this position, and prior to accepting it he discussed the specifics of the job with his parole officer and was told (incorrectly) that this would not be a violation (this was, as it turned out, not true).

He has consistently been in therapy and has (at times) been prescribed medication. Therapy was a condition of his release, and he has continued in therapy as it has been highly beneficial to him, both to address his issues that led to these decisions, but also to better improve himself.

Also, not to justify what he did, but I need to clarify that DH is not a pedophile. That does not diminish his crimes, but it does put them in perspective. He took several upskirt photos, one of which was of a 17 year old teenager. He did not know or have any reason to believe she was underage. He would never place himself in a position of authority over minors, and has no issues with his conditions of release prohibiting taking such positions, but I can tell you directly that the day he learned that one of his photos was of a minor, it broke him. Because it wasn’t his intention or desire to do so.

[Anonymous]

I'm actually incredibly impressed by the cousin standing up for his sister and the fact that he was a teenager at the time. That takes a lot of guts.

I'm glad the family hasn't turned against him.

Op you were out of line speaking to your in laws.

If anyone should be dropped from the family it's your DH not his cousin.

Despite what you claim you are in deep denial about your husband and your situation.

I'm truly afraid for any women or girls who may have or who may come into house

[Anonymous]

Total troll thread. Agree it should be deleted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What did DH do that resulted in legal trouble and getting fired from a school job?

Sorry, but this sounds like sexual abuse of a much younger cousin.

If that's not the story, explain. Because if you told me this exactly as you posted here, my kids would never be in the same room as your DH.

OP here: There was zero abuse.

He was charged with voyourism ten years ago. He had taken a few upskirt photos of women, including a teenager (he was not aware of this) over the course of a few years.

Said cousin accused him of trying to groom his (cousin’s) younger sister. This stemmed from the fact DH had started writing letters to his younger sister (pre-pubescent at the time) after a family reunion a few years prior. There was no substance to these claims, again the only underaged ‘victim’ in DH’s case was 17, and the letters were perfectly acceptable, it was just a penal relationship between cousins who lived across the country from each other. These accusations were only ever made by him (a teenager at the time), and vaguely by his sister, and their parents did not agree with them (the parents even provided financial assistance during the trial for legal costs). DH was never alone with his sister, or had any opportunity to be alone with her at the time.

Oh jesus. I guess i need to read the entire thread first. Are you a troll or an idiot?

Are you the idiot/fake former prosecutor?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What did DH do that resulted in legal trouble and getting fired from a school job?

Sorry, but this sounds like sexual abuse of a much younger cousin.

If that's not the story, explain. Because if you told me this exactly as you posted here, my kids would never be in the same room as your DH.

How on earth did you make that (il)ogical leap? Signed - child sex crimes prosecutor.

Made the same leap based on OP’s cagey descriptions and the consequences she described from the allegations. OP’s follow ups confirmed it.

- former CPS investigator

Same. What other legal trouble could it possibly have been, based on the description in the OP. Fired from a school, teen cousins “accusing” him of something that they are still upset about years later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe that people can redeem themselves from criminal mistakes made in their youth, but ultimately the support of the family for victims trumps that of the offender. Your DH seems to acknowledge that his family has every right to support the cousin. You are the one who wants to brush things under the rug because you are ashamed of your DH and your kids finding out about it.

The best parenting you and DH could do is for your DH to honestly acknowledge the HUGE mistake he made and explain to your sons that the consequences of his actions will follow him around for the rest of his life. The professional and legal repercussions and the personal/familial repercussions. One of which is that his family supports the cousins who made reasonable accusations given your DH's sex offenses.

Sexual predators can NEVER be redeemed or rehabilitated.

Why do you say this?

Are you really unaware that they have the highest recidivism rate? You seem like you’re just trolling.

OP here: I want to make it clear I wasn’t that poster. I am aware of the recidivism rate. His crimes are something I have had to come terms with and my decisions were made intelligently and made based on who he is and what he has done to better himself.

I know my husband, and I know how much work he has put in to better himself following his crimes. Because of that, I fully believe he has rehabilitated himself. I know that isn’t a guarantee he won’t struggle or even commit another crime, but I had to ask myself whether I believe he would be a part of those statistics. I think my answer to that question should be clear based on my decisions.

Your decision... to voice your displeasure that your in-laws invited a whistle-blower to their own home? You realize you cannot control who a home-owner invites; and that in this particular case, you REALLY don't have any right, since your husband is the person who seemed to be (or actually was) grooming a teen?

Your husband may be totally innocent in the letter-writing thing. But not many people will believe it since he has a prior history in a related activity. You really MUST understand this.

I hope you're a troll. If you're not, I would be very careful when inviting your children's friends into your home. Please never leave them alone with your husband, and make sure there are no hidden cameras anywhere in the house. Be very wary if your husband seeks to get a position of authority over minors: coach, school or church volunteer, carpool driver, etc... He seems to have that profile, unfortunately. Don't kid yourself. If his brain has these types of urges, it's really hard for him to resist without therapy or meds. It's not something you just snap out of. It's serious disorder.

OP here: My DH is fully compliant with all terms of his conviction. For a brief period he worked at an elementary school in a position with zero interaction with minors. He wasn’t seeking out a job at a school, however it was one he was qualified for. Prior to applying for this position, and prior to accepting it he discussed the specifics of the job with his parole officer and was told (incorrectly) that this would not be a violation (this was, as it turned out, not true).

He has consistently been in therapy and has (at times) been prescribed medication. Therapy was a condition of his release, and he has continued in therapy as it has been highly beneficial to him, both to address his issues that led to these decisions, but also to better improve himself.

Also, not to justify what he did, but I need to clarify that DH is not a pedophile. That does not diminish his crimes, but it does put them in perspective. He took several upskirt photos, one of which was of a 17 year old teenager. He did not know or have any reason to believe she was underage. He would never place himself in a position of authority over minors, and has no issues with his conditions of release prohibiting taking such positions, but I can tell you directly that the day he learned that one of his photos was of a minor, it broke him. Because it wasn’t his intention or desire to do so.

He didn't seek out a position in a school, he just applied for one and accepted it? What do you think "seeking" a job means other than applying and accepting?

He has no problems with following the rule that he can't work in schools, except he's really angry at the person who let the school system know so they could let him know about the rule.

Your ability to twist the truth to shield him is alarming.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are not going to get much sympathy trying to say that your husband’s abuse isn’t that bad because he only victimized adults on purpose. Come on.

I get that you are trying to make this situation seem less scary than it is, but realistically, all you are doing is saying “it doesn’t matter that he victimized adult women because they weren’t kids except the one that was that he didn’t know about.” Just like he didn’t know that as a convicted sex offender, he should not be working for schools?

Your husband may be completely rebuilding after a really horrific lesson on how to not be a terrible person, but you are not doing either of you any favors.