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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I am in a parenting marriage. Sexless for 4 years, and little affection since first kid was born 14 years ago. Strange part was we had a passionate marriage before kids. I am sure there is blame all around. It isn't ever going to reignite. Intimacy is weird. Don't be like us.

Anyway, it can work and it does, except its super awkward when kids aren't around. And now that they are 13 and 15, they aren't around as much.

Also, while I was generally fine with the Don't Ask Don't tell when I was in my late 30s and early 40s, and traveling for work and in what is probably a man's prime where women would approach me, I am less so now that I am late 40s. I really miss the companionship and it's a huge effort to be out the chasing women and doing it discretely. I want to go away for a romantic weekend and not be sneaky about it.

Point being, it's hard to see staying this way once the kids leave. But who knows, I will be late 50s by then and maybe I won't care about sex?[/quote]

What do you think your spouse would say if you ask to make it explicitly open?  I’m feeling conflicted, but relieved now that everything is out in the open.  I feel like I’m not crazy, I was basically gaslit for years, and so that’s helpful mentally.  And I know I won’t have to sneak around if I want to go out.  And he doesn’t have to anymore.  So that’s better.  He’s less stressed about things and we actually talk about it.  We talked about how I could go away for a weekend and it’d be fine (again, I’m struggling figuring out how to find someone so that’s like a far off whatever, just using as example), and I’m really the same with him.  If he wants to go away for a night or two.

Do you think making it explicit and working out boundaries would cause your wife to divorce?  Is that the hold up?  Or do you think she’d be ok with hookups, but not with a longer friend with benefits/companion type arrangement?[/quote]

I think my wife would be and is worried I may leave her for someone else. I make about 10x what she does, although we have no money issues and never fight about money. She likes the lifestyle and security of marriage, and I think she thinks I will run off with someone younger if we rip the bandaid off.[/quote]

OP here, not the PP to whom you replied, but I'd love to know: Would you actually be more likely to run off with someone if your marriage was explicitly open rather than DADT? I wouldn't think it would make any difference, which is why I haven't bothered talking about it to H, but maybe I'm wrong.[/quote]

Tough to say, in all honesty. It's like this: having to be discreet, limits the type of women available. If I could openly date - be available to say that I am going to book a super romantic weekend in Napa with my girlfriend, well of course I could have way more options but my wife wouldn't be cool with that. And it does raise the potential for romantic bonding. Make sense?[/quote]

Your wife has opted out of the "marriage" so it does not matter what she is cool with. Since when does a room mate limit your dating options?[/quote]

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