Do you think parent should tell spouse if leaving the house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hum. My DH works from home and no, I wouldn't expect that he would tell me if he left the house during working hours. However, I would be very unhappy if he just left (for anything other than an emergency) outside of that. We have three kids.

What if he just going to see his mistress for a quickie?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol

“May I please go get the car inspected?”

“Who else will be there? When will you be back? Make sure you tell me if you are going to use any busy roads.”

This is why he doesn't ask her permission!

It’s not about permission, it’s about communication. What if she ran out to do a quick errand at the same time, and because there was no communication, young children were left alone in the house?

But she wouldn't have left the house without telling her DH. If they ran out at the same time then they would have seen each other, wouldn't they?

But that’s a double standard. She always tells, so he can just do whatever he wants? And I don’t mean literally the exact same time—if he left the house, and then 10 minutes later, she did, they would both be gone, and neither would realize. I feel you’re not arguing in good faith here.

Well, I would notice that his car is gone, wouldn't you?

If one parent is taking child/children then it is mandatory to tell other parent. I suppose that we both holler "going out. Back later."

I live in NYC, we don’t have a car in a driveway, so no, I wouldn’t notice.

[Anonymous]

Yes, of course. Even when we didn’t have kids but we shared a car. A spouse is not a roommate who is not impacted by your absence. A spouse usually expects to eat meals with you or at least wants to know if you will be around for the next meal. A spouse is typically involved in running the household with you. If I or my spouse is running out to do an errand, we ask the other person if they need anything while we’re out.

How can an adult, home watching kids, plan their day or their own errands if they have no idea where their spouse is or when they are coming home?

OP - your husband is a jerk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH goes out on errands every weekend (bank, store, clothes shopping). Once in a while he goes to eat lunch by himself at a crappy restaurant that he loves. We have three kids and I don’t ask questions. Tbh I agree that grown (healthy) adults need personal space and alone time, and they don’t have to tell each other every place they go (barring a history of infidelity, drug use, etc.). I hate asking for permission to run errands, I’m sure men do too.

No one is talking about "asking for permission," or needing to tell your spouse "every place they go." We're talking about telling your spouse that you are leaving the house, so they know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. And I’d be pissed about the attempt to gaslight you with that defensive response. You did nothing wrong.

I would wager that the petulant response was brought about by the way OP broached the issue.

[Anonymous]

Yes. If not in person, a text saying "ran up to the store" or a note left on the counter is sufficient. Leaving with no notice or explanation is odd.

If kids are in the house it's also a safety issue if you assume he is there and tell a child "go ask your dad" or something like that.

Super weird to be defensive when you asked him. He's not asking permission, he's just communicating.

[Anonymous]

Hmm. I could leaving without saying anything if 1) it was absolutely crystal clear that I had no childcare responsibilities and we absolutely were not going to be doing anything together anytime soon and 2) if saying something would have taken me "out of my way" within the house (ie, having to go upstairs).

So, my husband and I very clearly delineate time "off" for each of us each weekend when the other is caring for all three kids (all pretty little). During my "off" time, if my husband was upstairs with the kids, playing in their rooms, and I was in the den downstairs watching TV, and decided to leave to go get the car inspected (or something) I could totally see just walking out. But that's a pretty narrow set of parameters. It's probably happened though - the one with the kids doesn't pay much attention to the other parent during that time, it probably wouldn't even register.

However, in that case, if I came home and he expressed disappointment that I hadn't said anything, or otherwise wasn't happy with that, I'd make sure to say something in the future. His response is needlessly defensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hum. My DH works from home and no, I wouldn't expect that he would tell me if he left the house during working hours. However, I would be very unhappy if he just left (for anything other than an emergency) outside of that. We have three kids.

What if he just going to see his mistress for a quickie?

This would involve a text like I’m going to get my oil changed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I had this discussion. He didn't seem to think it was a big deal. I have since made him see why it is.

If there aren't kids to contend with and both people are fine with it, then it isn't a big deal or a lack of courtesy. My husband and I are both perfectly fine not knowing exactly where each other is at all times. If I want to go get the mail or water the flowers or go chat with neighbor Betty or run and get milk - I do and he does the same. It isn't a disrespectful thing for us to do because we are both fine with the other person leaving the house without telling where they are going and how long they will be until they reenter the house. I would personally for me feel a bit suffocated to have to find and tell him each time I go in or out the door so he knows where I am at all times.

Kids around are a different story.

Cool, but no one is really suggesting this level of detail. (Going to get the mail? Lol). So, great news, no need to feel suffocated.

[Anonymous]

We always tell each other where each of us will go and do, whether it’s kids involved, not because we want to control or spy each other, but because we’re a family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is common courtesy to tell your spouse when you are leaving the house. It’s important to tell your spouse when they are being left in charge of children.

Agree. DH and I both work from home and will even tell each other if we’re running out when the kids are at school. It’s just polite so the other person doesn’t go looking for you when you’re not home. And sometimes if DH is running out I may ask him to do a quick errand for me if it’s on his way. Plus we only one have 1 car so if it’s not a foot outing then we have to coordinate needing the car. I think it’s odd OP’s husband is trying to assert his independence this way.

Do neither of you have calls or meetings? You want your call/meeting interrupted so DH can tell you he’s running to Home Depot? Interesting.

Well we can text if the other person is in a meeting. But we also usually talk about the day’s plan over coffee in the morning while the kids get ready for school. “I’m planning to run out for some groceries at lunch time, add anything to the list you’d like me to pick up.” Or “Reminder that I have a dr’s appointment this afternoon so you’ll need to get the kids from the bus stop.” I assumed most couples generally talk about this stuff?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, that’s being part of a family. You are in interconnected unit. It’s also just common courtesy.

+100


Same for taking a shower - we don’t ask permission exactly, but we notify.

Taking a shower within one’s house is not the same. Unless you have one bathroom.

NP. We have two young toddlers and so I always tell my spouse "hey I'm gonna hop into the shower, can you keep an eye on the kids?" Don't think it's weird at all. Just being courteous since the shower is one of the only places he can't text or call me, plus need it for safety so he knows to watch the babies a little closer

[Anonymous]

DH and I always fill each other in when we leave to go for a jog, run an errand, etc. Neither of us expects the other to say anything if we are getting the mail, see a neighbor we want to chat with, etc., like a PP suggested. The only exception is when we already know the plan (like if one of us is taking the kids to school and the other is occupied, we don’t need to say it), or sometimes DH takes the kids out on a weekend morning to bring back coffee and breakfast while I’m still asleep.

[Anonymous]

Yes, we always tell each other when we’re leaving the house. It’s bizarre that he doesn’t think he should.

[Anonymous]

I always do both for childcare reasons but also DH is really bad about locking up the house even when he knows I am gone (like in another state) so if he thought I was there, he would make no effort to secure the house at all.