Does anyone else get jealous of divorced friend’s custody schedule?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Eh, don't be jealous. It was hell getting to this point. I get some free time; all it took was ripping my home, kids, soul, finances, and mental health apart. If you look at me now and think I'm happy and peaceful, understand the effort it took to get here. I'd prefer a healthy intact marriage, but that wasn't a choice.

+1000.

This

Same. And while yes, I have every other weekend “off” I miss being with my kids - and miss out on that time with them, which will never come back. Additionally, if a birthday or holiday falls on that weekend, I don’t celebrate it with my kids. We always do a “second birthday” or a “second Christmas” but they’re young and it hurts them. Unfortunately, my ex refused an arrangement where while the kids were young we could celebrate these occasions together.

Also, the logistical aspects of every other weekend are hard on the kids and suck if you have a hostile ex who, for example, won’t allow the kids to call me at bedtime, etc.

In sum, it’s not ideal by any stretch. My kids are 7 and 9, btw.

[Anonymous]

OP, I get it. I do. Sometimes I do envy the enforced time off from kids. But I can make that happen - babysitters! weekends with friends away! - while staying married. So it is actually a great wake up call to take care of my needs to have alone time and keep myself emotionally and mentally healthy.

[Anonymous]

Any parent who is good at parenting for 50% custody post-divorce is competent enough to let you have a break pre-divorce. Those parents are already hands on and you just need to discuss how to make breaks happen.

Most of the parents who aren't hands on pre-divorce don't suddenly become awesome, tuned in parents post divorce. Those kids have issues and suffer. Maybe a few figure it out, but that's more luck than the rule.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My SIL is recently divorced and when I hear about her jetting off to Cabo for the weekend or even a few weekdays (now that anyone can work from anywhere) with her new boyfriend, that part does sound great. But there is a lot about divorce that sounds pretty miserable. She is definitely leading with the weekends in Cabo when we talk though (and posting a ton of pictures from her weekends away on the family group chat!!)

PP 05:19 here. Lol I'm totally not jetting off to Cabo on ex's weekends! I will work the Saturday, and go to church, grocery shop and do laundry on Sunday. Maybe mow my parents lawn. I might get real crazy and nap for a few hours haha!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. I have a lot of sympathy for divorced or single adults. My heart bleeds for kids with divorced parents.

My parents never divorced but fought all the time. Hardcore Catholics who ran to marital retreats. They’re still dysfunctional 40 years later. My dad has no sense of self and my mom calls all the shots. I don’t hope to be like them. I think each would have become a better person without the other. They just validate each other’s bad behavior snd realkg come together as one when they berate me. That’s the most harmony I see between them.

So no, I would not be so fast to pity divorces people nor children of divorce. It’s often worse when you watch a dysfunctional marriage play out for the sake of religion and saving face.

+1.

The thing to keep in mind is half of all pregnancies are unplanned. So often it’s two people that shouldn’t really be together, but gave it a shot in hopes of giving their child an intact home. Then it turns into a toxic situation.

Sure, you can list off all the “shoulds”. They should have used better birth control, should have just gotten over their issues, whatever. But that’s not the reality. And for many of these kids, two peaceful homes is better than one chaotic home.

Why do you assume that two homes will be peaceful? Try going through a contested divorce and let me know how peaceful it is…

[Anonymous]

One of the hardest parts of my (unwanted) divorce was adjusting to not seeing my children every day. It was especially difficult, as they had a sibling die. I've worked hard to get manage these emotions. I fill up my time when they are not with me and also enjoy the quiet. I'd still love to see them every day though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Any parent who is good at parenting for 50% custody post-divorce is competent enough to let you have a break pre-divorce. Those parents are already hands on and you just need to discuss how to make breaks happen.

Most of the parents who aren't hands on pre-divorce don't suddenly become awesome, tuned in parents post divorce. Those kids have issues and suffer. Maybe a few figure it out, but that's more luck than the rule.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. I have a lot of sympathy for divorced or single adults. My heart bleeds for kids with divorced parents.[/quote
Wtf??? I’m fine. It’s not that serious.

[Anonymous]

Those people who were shitty parents during marriage will continue being shitty parents after the divorce. Two households will only complicate matters further.

Signed divorced woman with a shitty deadbeat dad exH who is at war with me over everything

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My SIL is recently divorced and when I hear about her jetting off to Cabo for the weekend or even a few weekdays (now that anyone can work from anywhere) with her new boyfriend, that part does sound great. But there is a lot about divorce that sounds pretty miserable. She is definitely leading with the weekends in Cabo when we talk though (and posting a ton of pictures from her weekends away on the family group chat!!)

PP 05:19 here. Lol I'm totally not jetting off to Cabo on ex's weekends! I will work the Saturday, and go to church, grocery shop and do laundry on Sunday. Maybe mow my parents lawn. I might get real crazy and nap for a few hours haha!

Yeah. I mean on one level it sounds like fun. On another, she is probably running from something.

[Anonymous]

As one of those divorced parents, while I love my kid, I do appreciate the down time away from her. However, I have a 50/50 split and a very strong coparenting situation with flexibility to see her more as situations arise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My SIL is recently divorced and when I hear about her jetting off to Cabo for the weekend or even a few weekdays (now that anyone can work from anywhere) with her new boyfriend, that part does sound great. But there is a lot about divorce that sounds pretty miserable. She is definitely leading with the weekends in Cabo when we talk though (and posting a ton of pictures from her weekends away on the family group chat!!)

PP 05:19 here. Lol I'm totally not jetting off to Cabo on ex's weekends! I will work the Saturday, and go to church, grocery shop and do laundry on Sunday. Maybe mow my parents lawn. I might get real crazy and nap for a few hours haha!

Yeah. I mean on one level it sounds like fun. On another, she is probably running from something.

It also sounds like she is one week on, one week off, rather than in an every other weekend scenario

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. I have a lot of sympathy for divorced or single adults. My heart bleeds for kids with divorced parents.

Why? Usually they are better off.

Would love a citation for this.

You need a citation to understand that it’s better for kids to have their parents living separately and happily than ensuring a dysfunctional home relationship where the parents hate each other?

How many messed up kids do you know that come from intact, yet dysfunctional families?

I think the wealth of information about how kids of divorce are worse off means you need to prove your point and not just blather on because you feel bad about getting divorced. I’m pretty sure that unless there is violence in the home that ends with divorce, that children with parents who stay together do better in life. But hey, don’t worry about actual proof.

Not the PP you’re being so rude to but actually it’s not just violence, it’s marriages where there is emotional abuse and/or substance abuse and no, kids aren’t better off around those situations. Studies support this - instability at home is just as bad for the kids if the parents are together - and sometimes worse. The cycle of abuse starts with kids seeing that abuse normalized by parents trying to normalized toxic and destructive behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are with me all the time except every other weekend and let me tell you how miuch I need those weekends to recharge. My kids know it too.
It is intense being on for everything all the time. A break is needed. My divorce wasn’t what what I wanted

Yes but it sounds like every other weekend is a rarity now.

It may be a rarity but their dad moved too far away to make 50/50 a reality. I am not having my kids "commute" 1hr+ each way to school. It's intense. It was intense when they were younger and not as independent and now add in travel sports and it can be a logistical nightmare but we make it happen and then I have a weekend to recharge.

[Anonymous]

My ex has every other long weekend and a Thursday overnight on the off week. I’m 47, attractive, financially independent and I absolutely love it.

I love being a mom and having 75% custody is good for my kids given their dad. I love my free time but have them most of the time.