Parent has stroke and sibling doesn’t come up

[Anonymous]

I think you've got some nerve to criticize your BIL. He didn't ask you to come into his family. YOU decided to enter his family by marrying his brother. Your BIL's relationship with his mother is absolutely none of your business. They are only your family because of a choice you made. If you don't like what's happening in a family that you decided to join, then maybe you think about making the decision to leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How does OP have small kids and a 91 year old MIL.

My parents had small kids and parents in their 90s. My parents were both caboose babies so had parents who were well into their 40s when they were born.

And meant to add, they didn’t start having kids themselves until they were well into their 30s. So easy to have grandparents in the 90 age range.

45+35 = 80. So for grandparents to be in their 90's the kids are at least double digits. OP said "small kids."

"Small kids" is subjective. I've heard people describe their 6 year old as "toddlers" and their 13 year old as a "little boy."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How does OP have small kids and a 91 year old MIL.

My parents had small kids and parents in their 90s. My parents were both caboose babies so had parents who were well into their 40s when they were born.

My FIL is 90. DH is his youngest and is 45. I’m 42. I don’t consider my kids that young but I still have one in elementary and have friends my age with babies and toddlers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Like another poster said, your MIL is lucky that she's alive at all. Most people her age, even most females, are decaying (or have already decayed) several feet beneath the earth. https://www2.census.gov/library/publications/2010/compendia/statab/130ed/tables/11s0103.pdf Your BIL probably recognizes this and that it would be insulting to people who have died young to fuss over a dying 91-year-old. When I think about the fact that there are babies born daily who never make it home to their cribs, it angers me to no end when anyone over 75 acts like they haven't lived long enough. Your BIL is most likely ready to let his mother go. If anything, you should admire him for not letting the fact that she's his mother blind him from the fact that it's time for her to die.

WTF is wrong with you? Seriously.

+1 Dude, WTF

+2 We have some horrible people posting here.

What's terrible about it?

Some people on DCUM are just overly-sensitive.

[Anonymous]

OP, who is your MIL’s surrogate decision maker? They are the one who need to be in contact with the hospital making decisions.

And no, not every immediate family member needs to be visiting while she’s in ICU especially considering we are still in a pandemic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At 91 yo she is overdue for dying.

+1

[Anonymous]

And this is why that suicide pod is super appealing for me when I turn 70.

[Anonymous]

What could be actually do if he appeared there right now? She’s in ICU, you’re just loitering, not actually doing anything. Medical situations like this are unpredictable and can be a long game. Until you know more about the future, leave the brother alone. He’s clearly more rational in his approach than you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m annoyed- and surprised - but maybe this is normal? My 91 year old mother in law suffered a stroke last night. We’ve been at hospital all night. She’s doing bit better but at her age in ICU as they can’t predict if she’ll heal and can’t treat it. So they are saying she’ll be in ICU for at least 3 more days. Then maybe rehab hospital- we aren’t sure what will happen with her assisted living siatuokn and if she can return there at some point?
However We texted and called the other brother- who is retired footloose and fancy free- he lives a few states away but is actually visiting his son 4 hours away.
They just told us to keep them informed. WTF!!
I can’t believe they don’t drive up to check on her and help. We both work full time demanding jobs and have three young kids. And with all that, if roles were reversed, even states away I (or my husband) would fly to our parent.
My husband is spending night with her and I’m going back and forth today to drop off things and check on them.

But wouldn’t most people with a 91 year old mom having a stroke visit? Come check and see in person? As doctors have stated, at that age there is no percentage chance they can provide for which direction thiis goes. She seems to be talking and moving- but today bit tougher afternoon. Maybe my expectations are off.

OP? DON’T keep him posted. Don’t answer your phone when he calls. Say NOTHING. He will be forced to check himself. I say this as someone who is expected to do the rescuing. I did for a bit, then got wise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My FIL has mini strokes regularly. Some are more serious than others. My husband can’t fly to CA every time it happens.

When you are long distance from your parents and there is a local sibling, a wait and see approach is often what you have to take.

JFC, OP stated that the brother is FOUR HOURS AWAY. Very short car ride when your mother has had a major stroke. I sometimes wonder about people on this forum - they don’t take the time to read or comprehend but sure as hell take the time to shoot off their mouth with stupid statements.

[Anonymous]

When my mom was 90 and sick in the hospital my brother and sister and I were there the whole time. None of us would have considered anything else.

When my dad was sick and dying in his 60s none of us went near him. It was a reflection of our lack of relationship and the way he had treated us, what kind of father he was. We did go to his funeral.

Other people may not understand. It's not up to anyone else though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you've got some nerve to criticize your BIL. He didn't ask you to come into his family. YOU decided to enter his family by marrying his brother. Your BIL's relationship with his mother is absolutely none of your business. They are only your family because of a choice you made. If you don't like what's happening in a family that you decided to join, then maybe you think about making the decision to leave.

Dang, OP hit a nerve with you, huh? I think you’re projecting something onto OP that isn’t warranted. Sounds like you have a black and white / cut and run personality type. Not everything calls for the nuclear option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How does OP have small kids and a 91 year old MIL.

My parents had small kids and parents in their 90s. My parents were both caboose babies so had parents who were well into their 40s when they were born.

And meant to add, they didn’t start having kids themselves until they were well into their 30s. So easy to have grandparents in the 90 age range.

45+35 = 80. So for grandparents to be in their 90's the kids are at least double digits. OP said "small kids."

"Small kids" is subjective. I've heard people describe their 6 year old as "toddlers" and their 13 year old as a "little boy."

Geez that explains so much about why some kids can’t do anything with their parents help! 13 is far from a little boy. Yikes!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What could be actually do if he appeared there right now? She’s in ICU, you’re just loitering, not actually doing anything. Medical situations like this are unpredictable and can be a long game. Until you know more about the future, leave the brother alone. He’s clearly more rational in his approach than you.

A lot of families in the ICU are quite helpful. Especially if she's in the CCU, because those patients are usually mobile but require extra assistance. If family is there, the nurse is called less. On my CCU unit they didn't have any CNA's so family assistance was especially helpful. Even if she's in the actual ICU, CNA's are still limited. Again, our hospital only kept one on the ICU floor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your MIL is 91 and you have 3 young children? Are you young enough to be your husband’s child?

I was wondering that too, but then OP revealed in a follow-up post that she has a 16-year-old. Which is not a "young child", but of course, she could have an infant and toddler at home as well. How old is the husband/son of the 91-year-old?

No idea why the fascination or why this matters- but I have a 6, 14 and 16 year old. One husband all our kids. What the heck does that matter? And my husband is 60- older than me but I’m 50 so not freak show.
Point is, I’m driving kids around and have daycare concerns- three kids schedule - all three at different schools- one in track (in season now), competitive dance (in season now), son coaches soccer snd trying out for bball team- and little one plays soccer. So we are busy- brother in law- none of that.

Who knows why my MIL is 91- guess I’ll be sure to ask her why she had kids when she did- since that seems to be part of evaluation.