Please. Stop. Blaming. Others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I used to work for the admissions office for my school and the reality is they have to reject a ton of people with good stats because there are simply more applicants with those qualifications than there are spots. There are a lot of X factors like desired majors, usual skills, a very compelling and tailored essay, and so on.

Most applicants are not obviously unqualified, usually parents and guidance counselors are realistic with students. So that 90% rejected includes a lot of great kids.

And kids need to understand that. They are not bad or failures for not getting into these very competitive schools. It's a crapshoot and depends on factors you sometimes can't really predict like maybe there were just too many people who wanted to major in economics that year.

Exactly. How many kids from the DMV are standing in line to major in, say, agriculture of some sort?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand all of the disappointment either. Cast a wide net. It's relatively random at the top, so your kid might be (pleasantly) surprised by the results. With 10-20 schools kids are applying to, most will find a college home they will be happy.

Ultimately, yes. Why is it so hard for people on this board to understand that a lot of teenagers have dreamed of going to a particular school and thought they had a chance? How out of touch are you with the typical DMV high school student?

I’m very in touch. I see this and think “crappy parenting”. It’s your job help your kid take a realistic approach to college admissions. That can mean applying to the single digit admit school. But also being candid with them about their chances— without saying the the world hates rich white kids. Makes sure they know there are thousands more qualified applicants than slots and she may not get a slot. Getting her interested and engaged in touring and applying to more realistic alternates. You should also helping them to find schools that are less selective that they can also get excited about. So they have a solid plan B if they don’t win the lottery. If you sat back and let your kid think they would probably get into a lottery school, that’s on you.

Plus, often the parents are more upset and angry than the kids. They see the Ivy admit as validation of all of their parenting choices and sacrifices. They put in the work and wrote the checks and now they want the bumper sticker and the name drop at parties and to feel superior to parents of kids going to “less than” schools. But IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU.

A kid who is realistic going in may feel disappointed. But if their parent models resiliency, rather than anger and blame, they will move on and be fine.

Mike drop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parents and students here aren’t blaming “others”. They are blaming a broken system

While I agree the system is broken, I am not sure how to fix it. Maybe have different consortiums of schools and limit a kid to one application per consortium. So one to an Ivy, one to a NESCAC, one to a state flagship, etc. That would at least show a priority and limit the applications to the schools.

And how is that even remotely fair? You can't dictate to other kids and families how many schools they can apply to! Why would the schools even want to do that when each application represents XX in application fee income?

It wouldn’t work! It’s ridiculous. There still would be more applicants than slots. Repeat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I used to work for the admissions office for my school and the reality is they have to reject a ton of people with good stats because there are simply more applicants with those qualifications than there are spots. There are a lot of X factors like desired majors, usual skills, a very compelling and tailored essay, and so on.

Most applicants are not obviously unqualified, usually parents and guidance counselors are realistic with students. So that 90% rejected includes a lot of great kids.

And kids need to understand that. They are not bad or failures for not getting into these very competitive schools. It's a crapshoot and depends on factors you sometimes can't really predict like maybe there were just too many people who wanted to major in economics that year.

Exactly. How many kids from the DMV are standing in line to major in, say, agriculture of some sort?

There are a lot of kids who “check the boxes” and all seem the same….

[Anonymous]

Most colleges can’t even full their freshmen classes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am really sorry that so many kids are hurting right now because of the college rejections. It hurts, I know. Especially when your child has worked hard and seems to be well qualified for these schools by objective measures, like GPA and test scores. My DC is one of these kids, having just been rejected or WL from seven schools over the last two weeks (and rejected ED in December).

The fact is, many schools are simply flooded with applications from well qualified students and cannot accept them all. So they make tough decisions and make decisions based on very quick reviews of applications, many of which are basically indistinguishable from one another. In some cases, they may look "unfair" because we see other kids in our orbit getting into the same school that our kid gets rejected from and we can't imagine what that kid had that ours didn't.

So, to make ourselves and our kids feel better, there is so much blaming--blaming other "lesser" URM kids, "lesser" public schools with grade inflation, "yield protection", etc.....and it is not fair to the kids who did get in. And, to be honest, it's not good for our own kids--it only feeds grievances. Let's teach them graciousness and grit. It will serve everyone better.

So, to all the kids out there who were accepted to Rice, Hopkins, Wash U, Rice, Northeastern, CMU, Northwestern: Congratulations to you! You deserve it! You are worthy of that acceptance. You earned it.

No need for condescension OP. No one is blaming kids who got into these schools. The system for applying to schools is corrupted. Bottom line. Anyone who disputes that is not playing with a full deck.

Um...if you spend 5 minutes reading some on DCUM you will see TONS of people blaming URMs, yield protection, and urban public schools--all of the things that OP mentions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am really sorry that so many kids are hurting right now because of the college rejections. It hurts, I know. Especially when your child has worked hard and seems to be well qualified for these schools by objective measures, like GPA and test scores. My DC is one of these kids, having just been rejected or WL from seven schools over the last two weeks (and rejected ED in December).

The fact is, many schools are simply flooded with applications from well qualified students and cannot accept them all. So they make tough decisions and make decisions based on very quick reviews of applications, many of which are basically indistinguishable from one another. In some cases, they may look "unfair" because we see other kids in our orbit getting into the same school that our kid gets rejected from and we can't imagine what that kid had that ours didn't.

So, to make ourselves and our kids feel better, there is so much blaming--blaming other "lesser" URM kids, "lesser" public schools with grade inflation, "yield protection", etc.....and it is not fair to the kids who did get in. And, to be honest, it's not good for our own kids--it only feeds grievances. Let's teach them graciousness and grit. It will serve everyone better.

So, to all the kids out there who were accepted to Rice, Hopkins, Wash U, Rice, Northeastern, CMU, Northwestern: Congratulations to you! You deserve it! You are worthy of that acceptance. You earned it.

No need for condescension OP. No one is blaming kids who got into these schools. The system for applying to schools is corrupted. Bottom line. Anyone who disputes that is not playing with a full deck.

Um...if you spend 5 minutes reading some on DCUM you will see TONS of people blaming URMs, yield protection, and urban public schools--all of the things that OP mentions.

There may be some factor of any of these in the overall but still hard to blame these in each specific case You have no idea why your kid didn’t get in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am really sorry that so many kids are hurting right now because of the college rejections. It hurts, I know. Especially when your child has worked hard and seems to be well qualified for these schools by objective measures, like GPA and test scores. My DC is one of these kids, having just been rejected or WL from seven schools over the last two weeks (and rejected ED in December).

The fact is, many schools are simply flooded with applications from well qualified students and cannot accept them all. So they make tough decisions and make decisions based on very quick reviews of applications, many of which are basically indistinguishable from one another. In some cases, they may look "unfair" because we see other kids in our orbit getting into the same school that our kid gets rejected from and we can't imagine what that kid had that ours didn't.

So, to make ourselves and our kids feel better, there is so much blaming--blaming other "lesser" URM kids, "lesser" public schools with grade inflation, "yield protection", etc.....and it is not fair to the kids who did get in. And, to be honest, it's not good for our own kids--it only feeds grievances. Let's teach them graciousness and grit. It will serve everyone better.

So, to all the kids out there who were accepted to Rice, Hopkins, Wash U, Rice, Northeastern, CMU, Northwestern: Congratulations to you! You deserve it! You are worthy of that acceptance. You earned it.

The kids who weren't accepted deserved it, too. But when you're drawing names out of a hat, "deserve" and "worthy" aren't the right descriptors. I don't have a dog in this race, I am merely an observer. People like you, though, are idiots if you think that the kids who were accepted deserved it more than the kids who weren't. It's a crap shoot right now. Acknowledge it and move on.

OP never said the kids who were accepted deserved it MORE than those who weren't accepted...or that those who didn't get in did not deserve it. She was just showing grace to those who got in (presumably to the schools her DC was rejected from) by saying they earned it and were worthy of it. It does not mean that her kid was not also deserving and worthy of those schools. My guess is that they were and, if they follow their mom's advice to be gracious and not show bitterness when things don't go your way, they will be well served.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand all of the disappointment either. Cast a wide net. It's relatively random at the top, so your kid might be (pleasantly) surprised by the results. With 10-20 schools kids are applying to, most will find a college home they will be happy.

Ultimately, yes. Why is it so hard for people on this board to understand that a lot of teenagers have dreamed of going to a particular school and thought they had a chance? How out of touch are you with the typical DMV high school student?

I’m very in touch. I see this and think “crappy parenting”. It’s your job help your kid take a realistic approach to college admissions. That can mean applying to the single digit admit school. But also being candid with them about their chances— without saying the the world hates rich white kids. Makes sure they know there are thousands more qualified applicants than slots and she may not get a slot. Getting her interested and engaged in touring and applying to more realistic alternates. You should also helping them to find schools that are less selective that they can also get excited about. So they have a solid plan B if they don’t win the lottery. If you sat back and let your kid think they would probably get into a lottery school, that’s on you.

Plus, often the parents are more upset and angry than the kids. They see the Ivy admit as validation of all of their parenting choices and sacrifices. They put in the work and wrote the checks and now they want the bumper sticker and the name drop at parties and to feel superior to parents of kids going to “less than” schools. But IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU.

A kid who is realistic going in may feel disappointed. But if their parent models resiliency, rather than anger and blame, they will move on and be fine.

Thank You!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand all of the disappointment either. Cast a wide net. It's relatively random at the top, so your kid might be (pleasantly) surprised by the results. With 10-20 schools kids are applying to, most will find a college home they will be happy.

Ultimately, yes. Why is it so hard for people on this board to understand that a lot of teenagers have dreamed of going to a particular school and thought they had a chance? How out of touch are you with the typical DMV high school student?

Think you are out of touch. That kid is delusional and their family did them no favors. Maybe more kids need to take AP Stats. The odds are never in their favor in college admissions.

If your 17 YO kids are "dreaming of going to a particular school," then may I suggest that you, as a parent, have done them no favors in cultivating that attitude. There is no way that the kids themselves get so caught up in name-brand schools, to the point that they are "dreaming" about acceptance, except that a) their parents and b) their current private school encourages that line of thinking. That is on you for allowing that mindset to get out of control in your kids' heads.

Agree. With our older kid, we really stressed not falling in love with one school and having a list of schools she could be happy at. Our younger one is falling in love with a reach (for her). She’s a junior so we have time, but desperately trying to get her to fa in love with others.

Agree. My alma mater, a top 15 SLAC, actually tells alums this at events because the school is now so much harder to get into than it was when we went. Famously loyal alumni with kids who have grown up going to reunions, homecoming, etc.

[Anonymous]

OP, thank you for this post.

I have two kids: one a private, one at a public. They are both very good students with very good test scores. They have both had a lot of disappointing news from colleges--rejections from their "reach" schools, more rejections and loads of WLs from what seems like targets. Still waiting for Ivy Day but nobody is holding their breath. They will be fine because they (thankfully) have acceptances from 3-4 solid safety schools.

I've been appalled at some of the bitterness and smallness some parents whose kids have had similar experiences--literally sending group texts around to other parents ("can you believe that so-and-so got into College X? Larla got deferred...must have been yield protection..." or "Larla got wait listed at College Y...if she had gone to Public School X she would have gotten in, probably with merit!")

Like many others have said on this chain, we have no idea what other kids have that ours don't. But we do know that: 1) the supply of slots is far to small to meet the demand at many of these schools and that there's going to be some randomness and luck involved once; and 2) our kids look to us for how to react when things don't go our way...casting blame will not in any way help them, not now, not in the long run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you should probably also admonish DCUM posters who insist on tearing down kids who didn’t get in by assuming they couldn’t back their GPA up with AP scores, they didn’t have extracurriculars, they aren’t nice kids, they are high-stats robots, they blew off essays, they didn’t show interest, and on and on.

I have seen all of these assumptions and accusations tossed around to justify kids not getting into schools when they are rarely if ever true.

The process is broken and it is not transparent. Stop blaming the kids.

Yes. +10. I posted my DD stats. Someone said her SAT didn’t match her excellent grades and AP 5 scores. WTF?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, thank you for this post.

I have two kids: one a private, one at a public. They are both very good students with very good test scores. They have both had a lot of disappointing news from colleges--rejections from their "reach" schools, more rejections and loads of WLs from what seems like targets. Still waiting for Ivy Day but nobody is holding their breath. They will be fine because they (thankfully) have acceptances from 3-4 solid safety schools.

I've been appalled at some of the bitterness and smallness some parents whose kids have had similar experiences--literally sending group texts around to other parents ("can you believe that so-and-so got into College X? Larla got deferred...must have been yield protection..." or "Larla got wait listed at College Y...if she had gone to Public School X she would have gotten in, probably with merit!")

Like many others have said on this chain, we have no idea what other kids have that ours don't. But we do know that: 1) the supply of slots is far to small to meet the demand at many of these schools and that there's going to be some randomness and luck involved once; and 2) our kids look to us for how to react when things don't go our way...casting blame will not in any way help them, not now, not in the long run.

+1

Well said. Admin should take OP"s post and yours and pin it in this forum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you should probably also admonish DCUM posters who insist on tearing down kids who didn’t get in by assuming they couldn’t back their GPA up with AP scores, they didn’t have extracurriculars, they aren’t nice kids, they are high-stats robots, they blew off essays, they didn’t show interest, and on and on.

I have seen all of these assumptions and accusations tossed around to justify kids not getting into schools when they are rarely if ever true.

The process is broken and it is not transparent. Stop blaming the kids.

Yes. +10. I posted my DD stats. Someone said her SAT didn’t match her excellent grades and AP 5 scores. WTF?

Why were you insulted by that. That's an objective comment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am really sorry that so many kids are hurting right now because of the college rejections. It hurts, I know. Especially when your child has worked hard and seems to be well qualified for these schools by objective measures, like GPA and test scores. My DC is one of these kids, having just been rejected or WL from seven schools over the last two weeks (and rejected ED in December).

The fact is, many schools are simply flooded with applications from well qualified students and cannot accept them all. So they make tough decisions and make decisions based on very quick reviews of applications, many of which are basically indistinguishable from one another. In some cases, they may look "unfair" because we see other kids in our orbit getting into the same school that our kid gets rejected from and we can't imagine what that kid had that ours didn't.

So, to make ourselves and our kids feel better, there is so much blaming--blaming other "lesser" URM kids, "lesser" public schools with grade inflation, "yield protection", etc.....and it is not fair to the kids who did get in. And, to be honest, it's not good for our own kids--it only feeds grievances. Let's teach them graciousness and grit. It will serve everyone better.

So, to all the kids out there who were accepted to Rice, Hopkins, Wash U, Rice, Northeastern, CMU, Northwestern: Congratulations to you! You deserve it! You are worthy of that acceptance. You earned it.

No need for condescension OP. No one is blaming kids who got into these schools. The system for applying to schools is corrupted. Bottom line. Anyone who disputes that is not playing with a full deck.

Um...if you spend 5 minutes reading some on DCUM you will see TONS of people blaming URMs, yield protection, and urban public schools--all of the things that OP mentions.

Lots of blame applied to legacy and athletes as well.