My mother never asks how I’m doing. Ever.

[Anonymous]

Literally never. And also doesn’t call unless she needs something, but gets mad if we don’t call often enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Literally never. And also doesn’t call unless she needs something, but gets mad if we don’t call often enough.

YEP. So I just stopped.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does your mom inquire about your personal or profession life? My mom has never done this. Unless I interrupt her and offer information about my life, she just carries on about my siblings, her work drama or our dysfunctional extended family without responding to what I had shared.. She will ask how my kids are but usually directs to conversation back to comparison about my siblings two kids. It’s always been this way, but as she’s gotten older it’s very obvious.

By the way my mother is a therapist and is very inquisitive with other peoples lives. When she visits she spends her time on the phone or online with people seeking her advice so I know she has the capacity.

That must feel so weird and disappointing OP -to have a mom who is a therapist but so clueless about your feelings…. My mother was oblivious to my feelings but also not trained as a therapist.

I hope you keep a journal because it sounds like you need to ask yourself how you are doing. That is what I do.

[Anonymous]

I’m late, but I think instead of labelling moms who aren’t tuned in to your needs as a mismatch of needs rather than jumping to labelling them as narcissistic.

Mother and daughter relationships are COMPLEX due to a myriad of reasons including an expectation that our needs are just known and that mothers are just supposed to know. Couple this with the inability we have to name and voice our emotional needs.

Also add in the reality that we likely inherited the very genes and traits that annoy us the worst.

My mom and I have a really tough relationship that requires me to be the “mature” one which is hard b/c even at 43 I yearn for a parent. But the reality is she had a complicated relationship with her mother and had other tragedies in her life. Her support structure is religion which provides community but also a rigidity. Whereas I’ve sought therapy and other paths and trying to truly break some of the patterns that I see in my family.

I also have a daughter, who am trying to help her learn to identify her needs and be confident enough communicate them to me, to her future partners, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does your mom inquire about your personal or profession life? My mom has never done this. Unless I interrupt her and offer information about my life, she just carries on about my siblings, her work drama or our dysfunctional extended family without responding to what I had shared.. She will ask how my kids are but usually directs to conversation back to comparison about my siblings two kids. It’s always been this way, but as she’s gotten older it’s very obvious.

By the way my mother is a therapist and is very inquisitive with other peoples lives. When she visits she spends her time on the phone or online with people seeking her advice so I know she has the capacity.

That must feel so weird and disappointing OP -to have a mom who is a therapist but so clueless about your feelings…. My mother was oblivious to my feelings but also not trained as a therapist.

I hope you keep a journal because it sounds like you need to ask yourself how you are doing. That is what I do.

I think this is more common than not. A good friend is also a daughter of a therapist and feels similarly. It’s probably harder for her and for OP to actually get therapy b/c of it.

[Anonymous]

It is months later, but I just came across this feed. It is funny to see both groups a) those who can relate to having mothers with narcissistic tendencies (not necessarily narcissistic, but certainly possessing some traits) and b) those who think she should "try more" or assert herself more

I have tried to open-up to my mom repeatedly about things-- like new life events or things going on in my life. Even if she doesn't care, I figured I would do it for my own sake. Well, I have changed my mind. Sharing and then receiving a lack of emotional response is disheartening and worsens my current mental health struggles. I feel way better about not sharing exciting news with her.

Recently, I was pursuing a new job opportunity (a big step-up) and I told her after I had a few interviews and that they were asking for references. She replied with a word or two and then sent me pictures of her nails that she had just painted. Meanwhile, my MIL called me the night before the interview to wish me luck.. and once more to see how it went. She genuinely cares about my life.. it is mind-boggling. It feels very healing to have that sort of motherly love. I haven't told my mom that I got the job, because I don't want to dampen my own excitement.

My parents divorced when I was 12 and she called him a narcissist over the years.. it wasn't till only recently when I realized she exhibited nearly all of the traits. Both her and my father grew up in absent households where they had to raise themselves (walking home from school at 5 years old and being alone at home, not being told to brush their teeth, etc.). I do think women can sometimes be better about masking NPD traits.

It feels like an artificial relationship at this point. When I see her (thankfully we live in different states now) or call her, it just hours and hours of her monologue. It is all about her and oftentimes, it is negative too. She is constantly complaining about people. It worsens my depression to listen to it, so I try to tune it out to the best of my abilities. I have tried to "fix" it, but she gets very easily offended. Her boyfriend has told her numerous times that she is negative (jokingly too)-- and she thinks it is absolutely ridiculous. When she begins talking (aka complaining), I have tried to nicely say, "Do you mind if we talk about something more positive?" Of course it was met very aggressively. I am not sure how else to word it to her without her getting offended. She has never once admitted to being wrong in her life or apologizing. She is always right.

It is sad because I don't feel a genuine connection/relationship with her and it almost makes feel like a sociopath. She thinks we have a close bond too.. to make matters worse. When I got married, I was the most stressed I had ever been in my life and experienced my first panic attack (I was bedridden sick for a month right before the wedding & couldn't get things done, had to get vaccinated for the honeymoon whilst sick, we just bought a home and were doing major renovations like DIYing a pool in order to host a rehearsal dinner in our backyard, & I was having extreme marriage doubts giving me immense anxiety). She flew into town the same day as our two friends that we had plans to pick up from the airport and get dinner with (I informed her of the plans in advance, of course). She texts me asking me if she can come over (she couldn't stay with us because our MOH was staying in that room.. purposefully so)-- I was using all of my work PTO for the honeymoon, so I was still working the week of the wedding. I told her not to because we only had about 20 minutes before we had to leave for the airport and that I was so exhausted and so desperate for just a short nap after all of my stress and anxiety. Not much longer after that, I hear her laugh downstairs saying hi to my dog. She insisted on waiting for us to return home from dinner/airport. When we got back home, she had done some cleaning. I thanked her repeatedly for her kind gesture. Our friends had just gotten into town and they were talking and having a drink in our "speakeasy" room. I desperately wanted to relax with them (after spending days crying and getting prescribed anxiety pills at Urgent Care). Instead, I spent two hours being lectured with "I don't see how you're going to get this all done before the wedding! You don't understand the gravity" blah blah blah. I listened to her for two hours, trying to remain patient. It was now after midnight and I had work the next day (and our friends were already getting ready for bed at this point anyways) and I told her I didn't want to talk about it anymore and that I understood.

Clearly this was not the optimal response. She began screamed at me, insisting that I didn't know what she was going to say next. After resentment building for so long (combined with wedding stress), I yelled back. It felt great to let it out. I said, "I don't care what you're going to say.. I care what you said the past two hours!" She began to leave and she was very angry. I told her "thank you for cleaning, but I am very stressed". When I countered her yelling with some yelling of my own (I have never yelled at her before), she laughed at me and said "look at yourself!" And I said, "Yes, look at me.. I am very stressed." Somehow, she came back the next day to work on the "candy bar" for the wedding. I honestly thought she was going to fly home. The weekend came and she constantly complained about my in-laws, who are the nicest people ever. On the day of the wedding, we still hadn't sent the DJ our song list. I asked my fiancé (at the time) if he could send one over to the DJ. She comes into my bedroom and tells me that she can't believe he is on his computer and that's he is lazy, just like his parents! My in-laws helped set-up the venue for a bit and then left the venue to get ready. She stayed there the whole time, so she could work on HER candy bar. She kept going on and on about how they left early. Like a candy bar was really the priority -.- As a result, she left my wedding early without saying goodbye.. to make it even so that they would have to help clean-up instead. Emotional maturity at its finest.

The following day, she cried to me saying that my father-in-law made a comment at the reception dinner about spending $20k on the wedding (b/c she paid for my wedding dress & for the bouquets). They had paid for the venue, dinner, & BBQ catering for the rehearsal dinner (around $5k probably). I told her that she must've misheard (they are paying for their other son's wedding in a few months that is costing much more than ours, and I said maybe it was that). She got very offended that I suggested that. I also don't believe that he would say that in that context.. at the reception. It doesn't sound like him at all.. plus, he isn't a liar. She honestly ruined my entire wedding weekend. The first 3-5 days of the honeymoon were also ruined because I had bad insomnia from the anxiety of not knowing how things were left off with her. I had to basically just sleep all day after having sleepless nights. I am taking this as a gift that I have learned now-- I am making sure she doesn't intrude on the first month when we have a baby (I know she won't like that, but oh well).

It feels good to have just vented all of that. She is coming to visit in a month and I need to start prepping my strategy. I want to strive for an authentic relationship. I can't make her care about me, but I can express my feelings. I just need to learn how to do it more effectively. If we don't have a genuine relationship and I just dread seeing her.. what kind of relationship is that?? Does anyone have any suggestions on things to say to someone who is performing a 2-3 hr long negative monologue? (the only positive is that my husband has witnessed them too and it feels good to be validated, LOL)

[Anonymous]

I have a question to all those who say that the grandparents talk to you about the other grandchildren. Are you sure they don't talk about yours to your sibling?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I didn’t mean how I’m doing in a literal sense. Mainly that my mother doesn’t inquire anything about me personally. We could talk every day and she’s know nothing about me because the conversation is always redirected if I offer any info about my life.

I really thought maybe I wrote this… seriously. I’m in the exact same boat and simultaneously being guilted by my parents for not calling them. But any time I do, it’s completely one sided. She doesn’t even ask about my DC but goes on about my sister’s kids. I’m fairly certain my mom is a narcissist, which explains a lot.

That thing about not asking about your kids but going on about nieces and nephews really hits home. Both my parents do it but I have raised it with them and I think my mom is trying to stop. My dad never will though. If I try to talk about my DC -- mention something she did recently or something she's learning, my parents will immediately relate a story about one of my sister's kids and end all conversation about my kid. It's pretty exhausting. I've mostly given up.

I’m PP you quoted. This exactly. My niece and nephew do the same activity as my DC and we sit around watching videos of them doing their activity and no one even acknowledges my DC does the same activity. And DC is getting old enough to notice and it’s caused a lot of tears and hurt feelings. I just don’t get it. Fine, don’t be interested in me, but try harder with your grandchild.

do you share any videos of your dd? Or are you quiet?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mine has gotten weirder on phone calls as she’s gotten older. Will just go on and on in a monologue about her life, talk at length about my sister’s family and in-laws, and then might eventually ask if I have any news, but will often interrupt with a new completely random thought before I can finish two sentences. It’s really annoying. Now I just sit there silently and let her talk and say “nothing to report here!”

Mine got weirder on calls too. She never really cared about my life and felt burdened and annoyed when I sent or brought photos now and then. I didn't know this until she had a meltdown one day and said the photos were too much and she didn't want them. I maybe gave her a half dozen a year of her grandkids and I took them all back and apologized. She now throws fits that I never send photos. I email them now and then because then she doesn't have to be burdened by them in her huge house?!

With age, the social graces are just gone. She rants about politics and how great Trump is. She negatively compares me, my spouse and my kids to others. She doesn't want to hear about my life and will interrupt me if I speak about it. I should use past tense. I got so much therapy trying to have a relationship with her as she got nuttier. I stopped calling long ago because it would end with her yelling at me about something-anything. Visits were miserable, but I felt obligated. Then a major emergency hit with my husband and I saw just how selfish and entitled she was. We are very low contact these days and it's better for my health and my family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mine has gotten weirder on phone calls as she’s gotten older. Will just go on and on in a monologue about her life, talk at length about my sister’s family and in-laws, and then might eventually ask if I have any news, but will often interrupt with a new completely random thought before I can finish two sentences. It’s really annoying. Now I just sit there silently and let her talk and say “nothing to report here!”

This. We must have the same mother!

[Anonymous]

It is oddly comforting to see these responses. I call my mom weekly and spend about an hour on the phone - sometimes more. I put in my earpods and fold all the family laundry during this time. I am often on mute because a child will come in and ask me something. People don't know I'm on the phone because I literally barely speak. My mom just talks. Straight through. It's either about her ailments, someone who has slighted her (one of my aunts usually), or an in-depth story about someone I don't know. I once told her I was meeting some friends for dinner and she told me it was upsetting to her that I had friends that weren't in my hometown. So, I only call when I have an hour to do menial chores with her white noise in the background.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do most people agree that it's odd that the parent expects the child to be the ones doing the calling? I agree the phone works both ways, but I just cannot imagine never calling my child. I honestly want to cry thinking about my child being an adult and never reaching out to her.

I am in my 40s with a husband and 2 kids. My first semester of college my mom would call every few days - back in the land line days - and I was not home (class, library) or heading out to meet friends at the dining hall almost every time she called. She also talks a lot and I would have to cut her off after 10-15 min to go to class or a meeting. She took it personally that I never had time to talk (again because she can’t just have a 5-10 min conversation) and told me she would never call me again. And she hasn’t. In 20+ years. I see her 1-2x a week.

OMG. Same here. If there's something urgent, she'll text me, but otherwise she just says "you're always too busy" -- well, yes if you call at our dinner time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is oddly comforting to see these responses. I call my mom weekly and spend about an hour on the phone - sometimes more. I put in my earpods and fold all the family laundry during this time. I am often on mute because a child will come in and ask me something. People don't know I'm on the phone because I literally barely speak. My mom just talks. Straight through. It's either about her ailments, someone who has slighted her (one of my aunts usually), or an in-depth story about someone I don't know. I once told her I was meeting some friends for dinner and she told me it was upsetting to her that I had friends that weren't in my hometown. So, I only call when I have an hour to do menial chores with her white noise in the background.

Holy crap. My mom does the same thing. This is super comforting. I sometimes will walk away from the phone, if I don't have airpods in, and then comeback and she's still going.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is oddly comforting to see these responses. I call my mom weekly and spend about an hour on the phone - sometimes more. I put in my earpods and fold all the family laundry during this time. I am often on mute because a child will come in and ask me something. People don't know I'm on the phone because I literally barely speak. My mom just talks. Straight through. It's either about her ailments, someone who has slighted her (one of my aunts usually), or an in-depth story about someone I don't know. I once told her I was meeting some friends for dinner and she told me it was upsetting to her that I had friends that weren't in my hometown. So, I only call when I have an hour to do menial chores with her white noise in the background.

SAME. So I stopped calling. And guess what? She NEVER calls me. We haven't talked on the phone in years, with the exception of her calling to yell at me when she perceives that I've slighted her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is oddly comforting to see these responses. I call my mom weekly and spend about an hour on the phone - sometimes more. I put in my earpods and fold all the family laundry during this time. I am often on mute because a child will come in and ask me something. People don't know I'm on the phone because I literally barely speak. My mom just talks. Straight through. It's either about her ailments, someone who has slighted her (one of my aunts usually), or an in-depth story about someone I don't know. I once told her I was meeting some friends for dinner and she told me it was upsetting to her that I had friends that weren't in my hometown. So, I only call when I have an hour to do menial chores with her white noise in the background.

That's really odd. What's her rationale?

My mom was once upset that I didn't keep in touch with friends from high school. No idea why she'd care about that, one way or the other.