Anonymous wrote:It is months later, but I just came across this feed. It is funny to see both groups a) those who can relate to having mothers with narcissistic tendencies (not necessarily narcissistic, but certainly possessing some traits) and b) those who think she should "try more" or assert herself more
I have tried to open-up to my mom repeatedly about things-- like new life events or things going on in my life. Even if she doesn't care, I figured I would do it for my own sake. Well, I have changed my mind. Sharing and then receiving a lack of emotional response is disheartening and worsens my current mental health struggles. I feel way better about not sharing exciting news with her.
Recently, I was pursuing a new job opportunity (a big step-up) and I told her after I had a few interviews and that they were asking for references. She replied with a word or two and then sent me pictures of her nails that she had just painted. Meanwhile, my MIL called me the night before the interview to wish me luck.. and once more to see how it went. She genuinely cares about my life.. it is mind-boggling. It feels very healing to have that sort of motherly love. I haven't told my mom that I got the job, because I don't want to dampen my own excitement.
My parents divorced when I was 12 and she called him a narcissist over the years.. it wasn't till only recently when I realized she exhibited nearly all of the traits. Both her and my father grew up in absent households where they had to raise themselves (walking home from school at 5 years old and being alone at home, not being told to brush their teeth, etc.). I do think women can sometimes be better about masking NPD traits.
It feels like an artificial relationship at this point. When I see her (thankfully we live in different states now) or call her, it just hours and hours of her monologue. It is all about her and oftentimes, it is negative too. She is constantly complaining about people. It worsens my depression to listen to it, so I try to tune it out to the best of my abilities. I have tried to "fix" it, but she gets very easily offended. Her boyfriend has told her numerous times that she is negative (jokingly too)-- and she thinks it is absolutely ridiculous. When she begins talking (aka complaining), I have tried to nicely say, "Do you mind if we talk about something more positive?" Of course it was met very aggressively. I am not sure how else to word it to her without her getting offended. She has never once admitted to being wrong in her life or apologizing. She is always right.
It is sad because I don't feel a genuine connection/relationship with her and it almost makes feel like a sociopath. She thinks we have a close bond too.. to make matters worse. When I got married, I was the most stressed I had ever been in my life and experienced my first panic attack (I was bedridden sick for a month right before the wedding & couldn't get things done, had to get vaccinated for the honeymoon whilst sick, we just bought a home and were doing major renovations like DIYing a pool in order to host a rehearsal dinner in our backyard, & I was having extreme marriage doubts giving me immense anxiety). She flew into town the same day as our two friends that we had plans to pick up from the airport and get dinner with (I informed her of the plans in advance, of course). She texts me asking me if she can come over (she couldn't stay with us because our MOH was staying in that room.. purposefully so)-- I was using all of my work PTO for the honeymoon, so I was still working the week of the wedding. I told her not to because we only had about 20 minutes before we had to leave for the airport and that I was so exhausted and so desperate for just a short nap after all of my stress and anxiety. Not much longer after that, I hear her laugh downstairs saying hi to my dog. She insisted on waiting for us to return home from dinner/airport. When we got back home, she had done some cleaning. I thanked her repeatedly for her kind gesture. Our friends had just gotten into town and they were talking and having a drink in our "speakeasy" room. I desperately wanted to relax with them (after spending days crying and getting prescribed anxiety pills at Urgent Care). Instead, I spent two hours being lectured with "I don't see how you're going to get this all done before the wedding! You don't understand the gravity" blah blah blah. I listened to her for two hours, trying to remain patient. It was now after midnight and I had work the next day (and our friends were already getting ready for bed at this point anyways) and I told her I didn't want to talk about it anymore and that I understood.
Clearly this was not the optimal response. She began screamed at me, insisting that I didn't know what she was going to say next. After resentment building for so long (combined with wedding stress), I yelled back. It felt great to let it out. I said, "I don't care what you're going to say.. I care what you said the past two hours!" She began to leave and she was very angry. I told her "thank you for cleaning, but I am very stressed". When I countered her yelling with some yelling of my own (I have never yelled at her before), she laughed at me and said "look at yourself!" And I said, "Yes, look at me.. I am very stressed." Somehow, she came back the next day to work on the "candy bar" for the wedding. I honestly thought she was going to fly home. The weekend came and she constantly complained about my in-laws, who are the nicest people ever. On the day of the wedding, we still hadn't sent the DJ our song list. I asked my fiancé (at the time) if he could send one over to the DJ. She comes into my bedroom and tells me that she can't believe he is on his computer and that's he is lazy, just like his parents! My in-laws helped set-up the venue for a bit and then left the venue to get ready. She stayed there the whole time, so she could work on HER candy bar. She kept going on and on about how they left early. Like a candy bar was really the priority -.- As a result, she left my wedding early without saying goodbye.. to make it even so that they would have to help clean-up instead. Emotional maturity at its finest.
The following day, she cried to me saying that my father-in-law made a comment at the reception dinner about spending $20k on the wedding (b/c she paid for my wedding dress & for the bouquets). They had paid for the venue, dinner, & BBQ catering for the rehearsal dinner (around $5k probably). I told her that she must've misheard (they are paying for their other son's wedding in a few months that is costing much more than ours, and I said maybe it was that). She got very offended that I suggested that. I also don't believe that he would say that in that context.. at the reception. It doesn't sound like him at all.. plus, he isn't a liar. She honestly ruined my entire wedding weekend. The first 3-5 days of the honeymoon were also ruined because I had bad insomnia from the anxiety of not knowing how things were left off with her. I had to basically just sleep all day after having sleepless nights. I am taking this as a gift that I have learned now-- I am making sure she doesn't intrude on the first month when we have a baby (I know she won't like that, but oh well).
It feels good to have just vented all of that. She is coming to visit in a month and I need to start prepping my strategy. I want to strive for an authentic relationship. I can't make her care about me, but I can express my feelings. I just need to learn how to do it more effectively. If we don't have a genuine relationship and I just dread seeing her.. what kind of relationship is that?? Does anyone have any suggestions on things to say to someone who is performing a 2-3 hr long negative monologue? (the only positive is that my husband has witnessed them too and it feels good to be validated, LOL)
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wishing you all the freedom.