My mother never asks how I’m doing. Ever.

[Anonymous]

How are you doing OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I didn’t mean how I’m doing in a literal sense. Mainly that my mother doesn’t inquire anything about me personally. We could talk every day and she’s know nothing about me because the conversation is always redirected if I offer any info about my life.

I really thought maybe I wrote this… seriously. I’m in the exact same boat and simultaneously being guilted by my parents for not calling them. But any time I do, it’s completely one sided. She doesn’t even ask about my DC but goes on about my sister’s kids. I’m fairly certain my mom is a narcissist, which explains a lot.

You’re not alone. I have never been the favorite child. It’s even more obvious as my mom gets older and more dependent on our support.

I came to terms years ago with not being the favorite, but it is SO HARD now that it's obvious she favors her other grandkids over my child (probably due to our relationship). And getting harder as DD is at an age where she notices the difference and asks/gets upset about it. Breaks my heart. I stupidly brought it up to my parents and now it's big time drama and I'm the bad guy because I don't call them enough. A vicious cycle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How are you doing OP?

Aw that was really sweet, even if sarcastic. Seriously OP, you should have at least someone in your life you makes you feel like they are genuinely interested. I hope you have that need met elsewhere at least. But to echo this pp, in case you don’t, how are you and what’s going on with you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think mothers should ask how their kids are. When the kids are young and when they’re adults.

THIS. I've mentioned this to my parents and all I get back is "well you never call us anymore". They are the parents. Now that I'm a parent, I can't imagine not reaching out to my child, no matter how busy they are/don't reach out to me. I feel like it's more the parents job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom never did either. Then again, we’re fairly certain that she was a narcissist, if not somewhere on the BPD spectrum. She would go on and on about her friends whom I had never met and barely listen to a few sentences about me without turning it back to her life.

Same, Dr. Ramani vids on YT re: narcissism were very helpful to me.

Can't know if you are in the same situation, OP, but I ultimately concluded that it was best to not share much with my mom, it just gets repeated to the world in the monologues and she did not have real interest. Even my kids when preschoolers used to say, "why does Grandma call and talk about all these people we don't know and does not ask about us?!" so I knew I was doing better at providing a healthy conversational template.

Info with narc is often weaponized. My mom will push for details of people's financial lives, autopsies, etc. Best we keep it light and to the surface is my motto. It is what it is and best to protect myself. Her having info doesn't create the capacity for genuine interest or empathy, so, best not to interject it into convos.

[Anonymous]

Nope. Never. My job has changed a lot over the years and she has no idea what I do or how many people I manage. We were in the middle of buying a house and when I brought up anything about it, she diverted every conversation to her hypothetical bathroom remodel. Everything is about her. When my aunt (lived on the West Coast my whole life, I barely know her) visited recently, I couldn’t get a word in edgewise. My aunt was way worse.

My mom lived locally and I see her 1-2x a week.

[Anonymous]

This is fascinating and slightly comforting to me to hear that many others have moms like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom never did either. Then again, we’re fairly certain that she was a narcissist, if not somewhere on the BPD spectrum. She would go on and on about her friends whom I had never met and barely listen to a few sentences about me without turning it back to her life.

Same, Dr. Ramani vids on YT re: narcissism were very helpful to me.

Can't know if you are in the same situation, OP, but I ultimately concluded that it was best to not share much with my mom, it just gets repeated to the world in the monologues and she did not have real interest. Even my kids when preschoolers used to say, "why does Grandma call and talk about all these people we don't know and does not ask about us?!" so I knew I was doing better at providing a healthy conversational template.

Info with narc is often weaponized. My mom will push for details of people's financial lives, autopsies, etc. Best we keep it light and to the surface is my motto. It is what it is and best to protect myself. Her having info doesn't create the capacity for genuine interest or empathy, so, best not to interject it into convos.

I could have written this too. I’m struggling with some issues my child is having with learning and school. I wish I had a mom who I could talk to about it but I’ve kept it to myself because it feels like she’d gloat on it and share with my other siblings.

[Anonymous]

Point it out to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t ask people I’m close with. I expect we’re close enough you’ll just tell me without standing on ceremony waiting to be asked.

Same. And I'm a kind, empathetic person. Frankly I can't imagine my mom calling up and asking how my health is, how my job is going, etc. It sounds so impersonal. I talk to her constantly so I tell her I'm headed to a follow-up with a doctor or that work has been really busy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t ask people I’m close with. I expect we’re close enough you’ll just tell me without standing on ceremony waiting to be asked.

Same. And I'm a kind, empathetic person. Frankly I can't imagine my mom calling up and asking how my health is, how my job is going, etc. It sounds so impersonal. I talk to her constantly so I tell her I'm headed to a follow-up with a doctor or that work has been really busy.

You’re missing the point. OP’s mom just doesn’t inquire about or respond to any information that is share with her mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is fascinating and slightly comforting to me to hear that many others have moms like this.

I agree! Thank you all for sharing - it’s a lot less expensive than the therapy I’ve been paying for!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is fascinating and slightly comforting to me to hear that many others have moms like this.

+1. This is my mom, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom never did either. Then again, we’re fairly certain that she was a narcissist, if not somewhere on the BPD spectrum. She would go on and on about her friends whom I had never met and barely listen to a few sentences about me without turning it back to her life.

Same, Dr. Ramani vids on YT re: narcissism were very helpful to me.

Can't know if you are in the same situation, OP, but I ultimately concluded that it was best to not share much with my mom, it just gets repeated to the world in the monologues and she did not have real interest. Even my kids when preschoolers used to say, "why does Grandma call and talk about all these people we don't know and does not ask about us?!" so I knew I was doing better at providing a healthy conversational template.

Info with narc is often weaponized. My mom will push for details of people's financial lives, autopsies, etc. Best we keep it light and to the surface is my motto. It is what it is and best to protect myself. Her having info doesn't create the capacity for genuine interest or empathy, so, best not to interject it into convos.

I can relate so much to the bolded. Will check out the YouTube videos.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think mothers should ask how their kids are. When the kids are young and when they’re adults.

THIS. I've mentioned this to my parents and all I get back is "well you never call us anymore". They are the parents. Now that I'm a parent, I can't imagine not reaching out to my child, no matter how busy they are/don't reach out to me. I feel like it's more the parents job.

I have wondered this a lot too. My parents and my inlaws are all wonderful parents. But they NEVER call us. Why? Why don't they ever reach out? Once I did a test and my mom didn't call me for 2 months. They are retired with all the time in the world. My inlaws will even say stuff like, we were wondering why you hadn't called.