My mother never asks how I’m doing. Ever.

[Anonymous]

OP. I have a dad like that. I had assumed that it was due to a language barrier (my native language is a bit rusty). I think, in reality, is that the parent is so removed from your life, it's so very abstract, that they have trouble engaging with the details.

So even though I'm for sure the favorite child, I get updates on my (local to him) nephews and then he asks about my kids, but doesn't really engage in the answers.

As for how I'm doing, he just assumes I'm always fine. He will, however, follow up on a specific issue, if I mention it in a previous conversation. After my husband broke his arm (something easy to explain to my dad), he asked about the arm in many following conversations. But he can't really engage in a discussion about my job, because it would just take so long to explain, where do you begin? So he doesn't know what I do for work. It's not part of his view of me. But he does love me very much and is happy to connect. So it's not (necessarily) that your mom doesn't love you. It's just the way she engages with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m in a similar situation and started paying attention to it during the pandemic. Right now, it has been just a few days more than 18 months since my mother last asked me a question about myself. And I mean any question- what’s the weather like at your house, what’s for dinner, did you see that show? Nothing.

I wrote this in November 2022. Update: it has now been 3 years and a few days since my mom last asked me a question about myself.

I was actually thinking about this thread over Mother's Day and it's a bit less lonely to see it still going.

[Anonymous]

Are you my sil describing my mil? Except my mil will ask perfunctory qs of us and then very clearly be uninterested in the answer/never ask any follow up qs. Sometimes she even talks over us as we’re answering. I’m told she is losing her hearing so that’s part of the problem I guess.

[Anonymous]

I see this in my bill, really is a form of Narcissistism.

He has a warm personality but I have never heard him ask about others once ever - not even with his parents or child. It's quite bizarre.

He loves to share stories of his childhood - peaked in high school; he engages but mostly on & on in his bubble.
It is no wonder my MIL prefers to talk to her other son, my DH - a give/take conversation.

I work on this with my teens (yes realize they are naturally self-
centered at this age), but I dont want them to be like him - yikes if it's genetics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I didn’t mean how I’m doing in a literal sense. Mainly that my mother doesn’t inquire anything about me personally. We could talk every day and she’s know nothing about me because the conversation is always redirected if I offer any info about my life.

My dad is like this. And he, like OP’s mom, is in a profession where asking people questions about themselves is part of his job so you’d think he’d be good at it in his personal life!

I’m pretty sure he’s a narcissist the more I’ve read about narcissism.

[Anonymous]

Are you one of my brothers? Not making excuses but I think this is common as parents age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does your mom inquire about your personal or profession life? My mom has never done this. Unless I interrupt her and offer information about my life, she just carries on about my siblings, her work drama or our dysfunctional extended family without responding to what I had shared.. She will ask how my kids are but usually directs to conversation back to comparison about my siblings two kids. It’s always been this way, but as she’s gotten older it’s very obvious.

By the way my mother is a therapist and is very inquisitive with other peoples lives. When she visits she spends her time on the phone or online with people seeking her advice so I know she has the capacity.

OP. we have the same mom Mine is exactly the same and also is a therapist. She only talks about her dysfunctional marriage and my step sibling. She has clients, so I know she must be capable of talking about other things. Just not with me.

[Anonymous]

I wish my mom asked more. I feel the need to check in with her, I remember her important stuff. She never asks me how I’m doing.

[Anonymous]

I hear you. Is it narcissism? My father talks about himself, that is all. If I begin to speak, I know he is either watching the TV or …. And I am not a talker.

[Anonymous]

Op, you are her therapist! You let her ramble on about stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, you are her therapist! You let her ramble on about stuff.

It hurts when she’s showed genuine interest in friends and even acquaintances, basically everyone who isn’t a client but not her own child. She does take intense interest in my siblings life to the point that when the three of us are together she at times doesn’t engage me in the conversation at all. I can interject but it’s like I’m annoying and disrupting their conversations.

[Anonymous]

Are you the eldest daughter?

[Anonymous]

I just came across this thread after an exhausting one hour, one sided phone call with my similar mother.

It is so good (and sad) to know I’m not the only one! Gonna have to refer back.

My brother and I are the leftovers from mom’s short first marriage.

I used to chase her for attention. I could sense her slow motion estrangement as a girl once the new stepfather came along.

As an adult, I thought I was being a “good daughter” by constantly reaching out to her, including her in special occasions, inviting her on family trips with her grandchildren. She rarely took us up on the offers.

I thought being a good daughter meant listening to her problems and her “take” on things all the time, mostly inappropriate parent alienation and over sharing about the divorce and very grown up situations, starting when I was a girl.

Patterns form where mom vents and kids listen, until kids realize how unhealthy it is.

I pointed this out to her and she went ballistic about ten years ago. Now she no longer talks about other family members, but it hasn’t been replaced by anything meaningful- she just talks about herself. Or what books she’s reading, what shows she likes, her take on politics. Once that’s over, she hangs up.

We have nothing else to talk about because she doesn’t ask. Just her spin on things.

I feel all flattened out after her phone calls. Lasts a couple days. I try not to call her.