Envious of these types of people

[Anonymous]

OP I live in a state where you can see all county records online. Seriously some of the most pretentious people we've known have little. The recorded docs show what they paid for their home, and the payment they have. Divorce records, civil court records, tax, and much more that told me a lot about some of the fake people we've met along the way. Seriously stop envying others because often it's not what you think it is. It sounds like your self esteem needs some work imo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So this is pretty high school and embarrassing to admit so I’m only saying so on an anonymous forum. My SIL and her husband are, what I have come to describe half-jokingly as “tier 1” people. They seem to check off all the SES markers and physical and intellectual attributes that would put them in the spot if there was a social hierarchy. For starters, they’re both beautiful physically. High school and college athletes, they are naturally blessed with good sporty genes and are very good looking. They’re fit, run races and workout intensely every day as if it’s as normal as brushing your teeth. They are also stunningly well dressed with carefully coordinated outfits and expensive clothes. They have the right brand of luxury cars you’d expect in their expensive neighborhood in just the right zip code. They have a tasteful but expensive home in a coveted neighborhood which they’ve outfitted beautifully with the help of interior designers. They of course also earn a handsome income working in finance although SIL will soon be a SAHM upon the birth of their first child.

Meanwhile, my husband is the exact opposite of his hyper perfect sister. He is laid back, jeans and T shirt guy who doesn’t know the difference between Tiffany’s and Kay Jewelers. He doesn’t work out, eats what he wants and works for himself although quite successfully. I too am very laidback, no makeup type of woman and although I try to be active, I have never been athletic and loathe working out. I really want a nice house too and love nice things but it’s hard to be picky when you’re financially strapped. I’m spending a weekend with this couple, for the first time in my life I realized, I’m not a “first tier” person. I’m painfully average.

They sound like a strong beautiful black couple

LOL Not sure where you got that but they could be a beautiful white, Asian, etc. couple!

[Anonymous]

I have never thought of putting people in tiers but we are a pretty put together family. When I didn’t have kids especially, I looked good every single day. I didn’t necessarily wear designer clothes but I looked polished.

Now Dh has a seven figure income and we have 3 great kids. I stay home and we live in a lovely home in the right zip code I guess. I like to buy quality. It has nothing to do with anyone else.

I have lots of friends who live in smaller homes in I guess worse zip codes. I think they look equally or more put together on more budget furniture and cheaper clothing.

I don’t think it is about your ILs being in a higher tier. They could not have money and still be beautiful. You just seem insecure and envious. It doesn’t have to be them. It could also be an old friend from college or neighbor or coworker.

[Anonymous]

There is nothing wrong with being average. There’s also nothing wrong with being like your SIL. Just cheer her on and enjoy your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not that hard for most young & well-off couples to present like that OP. Just wait until kids come rolling around.
What would be truly amazing is if they still presented that way in middle age with multiple kids.

Most of the people I knew who were like this before kids are still this way. None have let themselves go the way the people who didn't have it all together before did. It's not that rare in circles like this. When you have enough money you can outsource a lot of the work so there's plenty of time to stay in shape, eat well, decorate well, etc. They aren't going to get the comeuppance you are hoping for.

I wasn't the person that posted this -- you are correct about outsourcing a lot of childcare and keeping it up! However, being raised by the nanny and housekeeper are a lot different than being raised by a present mom/dad. The kids might turn out fine. But higher probability that they do not. And that goes for just about any SES class.

+1
That was the point- kids are the real coin toss that none of us have any control of.
Sure money solves many problems in life, but is it rare that we see examples of unmotivated/ entitled/ not particularly bright or athletic/ normal looking kids from star couples?

Sounds like the point PP was trying to make was that the parents will be fat with a messy house, ie the "way they present" which says nothing of the actual kids. The people I know who are like this only have kids in high school but so far, there too, the kids are doing well and over achievers. They just aren't going to be easily knocked down a few pegs in some karmic reckoning.

My kids are equally or I think better looking than Dh and me. They are more athletic. I’m not sure if they will be as successful or hard working. I used to always think that my kids should do better than us but that is a high bar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I live surrounded by many of these types of people, who have very organized and lovely lives. And it is on the surface of it, lovely. But it is also a great deal of work. It comes more effortlessly to some but it is still a lot of work. Most of them will have great careers that also involve very long hours. I am certainly not judging it because they are my neighbors and friends but they wanted a certain lifestyle and they worked for it. They put a lot of effort into their houses and their public perception. That most of them were athletes in high school and college doesn't surprise me at all because athletics teaches you discipline and hard work and endurance.

If you don't have the energy or endurance, that's fine. There's no moral judgment here. Just different kinds of people. There's too much judging and resentment these days and willful belief that somehow fortunate people have everything handed to them on a platter. The reality is that most of them worked very hard for it and made very conscious decisions.

This.

+2

My friend lived in the type of neighborhood where people "keep score". It became tired and boring, just like the people in it - so easily impressed! It was mostly locals who never left the area (NVA), and anyone else was seen as an "outsider" who had to "prove themselves worthy". It was all such a joke, how stunted the people seemed, and how they really only existed to cheer each other on, encourage gross behavior, and criticize any newcomers. It was certainly worse than any high school I had encountered as a teen! Now, my friend moved to a place where people are down to earth and less (or not) judgy, and it feels like home. People aren't looking to take offense for no reason, which is nice.

This friend has lost most of her family, and been through her own illnesses, which has been no fun. On the outside, you would think she has it all - BUT she has worked hard for everything, and no one handed her nor her DH anything. She put herself through grad school, so she has done well for herself.

OP, you never know what people are going through. People you think "have it easy" may not. People you think "have it hard" may just like drama. You can choose to be petty, or you can choose to better yourself. Take your pick.

[Anonymous]

Just wait until they have kids, their lives will not seem so perfect. It sounds like they have had no hardships in life yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I live surrounded by many of these types of people, who have very organized and lovely lives. And it is on the surface of it, lovely. But it is also a great deal of work. It comes more effortlessly to some but it is still a lot of work. Most of them will have great careers that also involve very long hours. I am certainly not judging it because they are my neighbors and friends but they wanted a certain lifestyle and they worked for it. They put a lot of effort into their houses and their public perception. That most of them were athletes in high school and college doesn't surprise me at all because athletics teaches you discipline and hard work and endurance.

If you don't have the energy or endurance, that's fine. There's no moral judgment here. Just different kinds of people. There's too much judging and resentment these days and willful belief that somehow fortunate people have everything handed to them on a platter. The reality is that most of them worked very hard for it and made very conscious decisions.

This.

Data on population level does not bear this out. There is a pattern to how wealthy, good-looking, athletic kids are treated vs poor unattractive non athletic kids are treated in regards to the decisions they make, the outcomes, etc. I dont disregard that they work hard BUT when you start at level 10 getting to level 20 with hard work is easy than getting to level 20 from level 1. There are also not a lot of people who achieve going from level 1 to level 20. Almost every person we talk about who is self-made is NOT self-made. They had wealthy parents, highly educated parents, private school, etc. Did they work- yes. Did they work harder than everyone else- not really.

[Anonymous]

I get like this too. I think a lot of people do also, at times. I also live in decent size and invome, Im jealous of friends who live carefree and dont worry about money snd travel, travel!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a very narrow ideal of excellence, though. I don't disagree that it is laudable. I have friends like this and I very much appreciate the energy they bring to their lives and how hard they work at their careers and arranging their life just so. We are visiting friends like this today, actually -- they are hosting because they are so good at it and their house is perfectly conducive to it. I am grateful to have them in my life.

But something I learned a long time ago is that if you let go of the idea that this is the "best" or only way to live, you can find ways to perfect who you are more naturally and make your life very beautiful and enjoyable, all without having to somehow become the same as these people (I will never have the ambition or energy or attention to detail for that, much less the money).

My family lives in a small home, but it is artfully decorated with lots of color and items from our travels. I love the color of Scandinavian design but the relaxed vibe of continental eclecticism and our home marries those ideas. Anyone can pick up a copy of Architectural Digest and get ideas, even for a little bungalow with an unrenovated kitchen. I love little details like buying fresh flowers for the dining table every week and putting out DD's colorful artwork from school in proper frames. Is it perfect? Not at all. Is it charming and pleasant? Yes.

And we bring the same ethos to the rest of our life. We go on budget vacations but we put extra effort into finding the best little budget hotel in Vienna. We own a nice camera and take artful but imperfect photos. Our child is not athletic but she is kind and artistically inclined and loves to read, and we encourage those interests and adore her and she flourishes in her own way. Our careers are not high flying or highly paid, but we have exceptional work-life balance that allows us plenty of leisure time for cooking, baking, hiking, and other more relaxed pursuits.

I think we have a very enviable life. Our friends who are like your SIL sometimes envy it, even, because the energy and dedication that goes into what they do must be intense. Being less ambitious, less wealthy, less beautiful or athletic or perfect, does not have to mean being a lazy slob. Lean into what you love and what you are best at. It's cheesy, but being the best version of yourself instead of trying to be a pale imitation of a totally different sort of person is a good approach to life.

Love, love, love this post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So this is pretty high school and embarrassing to admit so I’m only saying so on an anonymous forum. My SIL and her husband are, what I have come to describe half-jokingly as “tier 1” people. They seem to check off all the SES markers and physical and intellectual attributes that would put them in the spot if there was a social hierarchy. For starters, they’re both beautiful physically. High school and college athletes, they are naturally blessed with good sporty genes and are very good looking. They’re fit, run races and workout intensely every day as if it’s as normal as brushing your teeth. They are also stunningly well dressed with carefully coordinated outfits and expensive clothes. They have the right brand of luxury cars you’d expect in their expensive neighborhood in just the right zip code. They have a tasteful but expensive home in a coveted neighborhood which they’ve outfitted beautifully with the help of interior designers. They of course also earn a handsome income working in finance although SIL will soon be a SAHM upon the birth of their first child.

Meanwhile, my husband is the exact opposite of his hyper perfect sister. He is laid back, jeans and T shirt guy who doesn’t know the difference between Tiffany’s and Kay Jewelers. He doesn’t work out, eats what he wants and works for himself although quite successfully. I too am very laidback, no makeup type of woman and although I try to be active, I have never been athletic and loathe working out. I really want a nice house too and love nice things but it’s hard to be picky when you’re financially strapped. I’m spending a weekend with this couple, for the first time in my life I realized, I’m not a “first tier” person. I’m painfully average.

They sound like a strong beautiful black couple

They sound like a strong beautiful Hispanic couple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a very narrow ideal of excellence, though. I don't disagree that it is laudable. I have friends like this and I very much appreciate the energy they bring to their lives and how hard they work at their careers and arranging their life just so. We are visiting friends like this today, actually -- they are hosting because they are so good at it and their house is perfectly conducive to it. I am grateful to have them in my life.

But something I learned a long time ago is that if you let go of the idea that this is the "best" or only way to live, you can find ways to perfect who you are more naturally and make your life very beautiful and enjoyable, all without having to somehow become the same as these people (I will never have the ambition or energy or attention to detail for that, much less the money).

My family lives in a small home, but it is artfully decorated with lots of color and items from our travels. I love the color of Scandinavian design but the relaxed vibe of continental eclecticism and our home marries those ideas. Anyone can pick up a copy of Architectural Digest and get ideas, even for a little bungalow with an unrenovated kitchen. I love little details like buying fresh flowers for the dining table every week and putting out DD's colorful artwork from school in proper frames. Is it perfect? Not at all. Is it charming and pleasant? Yes.

And we bring the same ethos to the rest of our life. We go on budget vacations but we put extra effort into finding the best little budget hotel in Vienna. We own a nice camera and take artful but imperfect photos. Our child is not athletic but she is kind and artistically inclined and loves to read, and we encourage those interests and adore her and she flourishes in her own way. Our careers are not high flying or highly paid, but we have exceptional work-life balance that allows us plenty of leisure time for cooking, baking, hiking, and other more relaxed pursuits.

I think we have a very enviable life. Our friends who are like your SIL sometimes envy it, even, because the energy and dedication that goes into what they do must be intense. Being less ambitious, less wealthy, less beautiful or athletic or perfect, does not have to mean being a lazy slob. Lean into what you love and what you are best at. It's cheesy, but being the best version of yourself instead of trying to be a pale imitation of a totally different sort of person is a good approach to life.

Love, love, love this post.

+2

The keeping score gets old, and takes away from your own life!