Envious of these types of people

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I sound like the couple you described. Nothing is ever this perfect and what it seems from the outside. Our house is always perfect because that is how we handle anxiety (making sure things we can control are perfect). We also don’t share a lot of what we’re going through with our family (some health issues).

Agree with the PP who said they were born this way. I’ve always been like this and just so happened to marry someone who is similar. We don’t strive to have it all together or appear perfect, it’s just how we handle life.

x1000000

Not your circus, not your monkeys, OP.

[Anonymous]

I have a good friend who like your ILs, OP. She is constantly overwhelmed by anxiety at never being good enough, which is expressed as the kind of perfectionism you describe. Spending that much time on appearances is, frankly, exhausting and doesn’t usually make for good company.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:It's not that hard for most young & well-off couples to present like that OP. Just wait until kids come rolling around.
What would be truly amazing is if they still presented that way in middle age with multiple kids.

Most of the people I knew who were like this before kids are still this way. None have let themselves go the way the people who didn't have it all together before did. It's not that rare in circles like this. When you have enough money you can outsource a lot of the work so there's plenty of time to stay in shape, eat well, decorate well, etc. They aren't going to get the comeuppance you are hoping for.

I wasn't the person that posted this -- you are correct about outsourcing a lot of childcare and keeping it up! However, being raised by the nanny and housekeeper are a lot different than being raised by a present mom/dad. The kids might turn out fine. But higher probability that they do not. And that goes for just about any SES class.

+1
That was the point- kids are the real coin toss that none of us have any control of.
Sure money solves many problems in life, but is it rare that we see examples of unmotivated/ entitled/ not particularly bright or athletic/ normal looking kids from star couples?

Sounds like the point PP was trying to make was that the parents will be fat with a messy house, ie the "way they present" which says nothing of the actual kids. The people I know who are like this only have kids in high school but so far, there too, the kids are doing well and over achievers. They just aren't going to be easily knocked down a few pegs in some karmic reckoning.

Ok? Good for you??

Yeah, I guess, good for me. It's better than being jealous of what others have and hoping their kids are messed up so that the miserable SOBs feel better about themselves. [/quote]


x1000000

Water (or misery) rises to its level.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We’re exactly this type of couple, OP. Two former athletes and high achievers who met at Harvard Business School. Attractive and have done very well professionally. (Well enough that I don’t even think about our income anymore, just our net worth. We’re mid 30s and worth several million.)

What I can tell you is that we’re all just born this way/different. DH and I are high energy and super disciplined. It’s just naturally who we are. We have plenty of Type B (or less Type A friends) and I am often annoyed and fascinated by them. What do you mean it’s the Tuesday before thanksgiving and you haven’t planned out your oven schedule yet?! Get. It. Together! Oh wow, you took that disappointment so well - wish I were as cool as a cucumber like you.

So know that these people are not superior to you. And they’re not inferior to you either. Just simply different.

Op here. That’s so interesting. What drives you? What were you like a child? How were you raised?


I don’t have the drive and discipline but want all the things they have. I want a nice body. I want a nice house. I want to be well planned and organized.I want to be disciplined and pass on these traits and habits to my children.

What can I do since I’m not naturally like this?

Learn to accept who you are, and how that affects you, and learn to like yourself, so that your children will like and accept themselves, too. Simple, but true.

The animosity on this board, and the judgments, come from people who ere never happy in their own skin - they wanted to effortlessly be someone else, but that obviously ain't happening.

[Anonymous]

*Water (and misery) rises to its own level, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a good friend who like your ILs, OP. She is constantly overwhelmed by anxiety at never being good enough, which is expressed as the kind of perfectionism you describe. Spending that much time on appearances is, frankly, exhausting and doesn’t usually make for good company.

+1

My relatives like this are constantly stressed out despite having nothing to be stressed about. She is a SAHM with kids launched/in college. Lol. No clue why she is so stressed. Apparently shopping and tennis are very stressful when you add the burden of coordinating your weekly cleaners and planning vacations to unwind from all the stress.

But their kids are thriving. Money and private school really make a difference in teeing up a successful life.

But that’s them, not me. I don’t compare my life to their life. Life isn’t a competition. Just live your life and enjoy what you have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

*Water (and misery) rises to its own level, OP.

Yes but what if you want to be one of these people and don’t know how?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So this is pretty high school and embarrassing to admit so I’m only saying so on an anonymous forum. My SIL and her husband are, what I have come to describe half-jokingly as “tier 1” people. They seem to check off all the SES markers and physical and intellectual attributes that would put them in the spot if there was a social hierarchy. For starters, they’re both beautiful physically. High school and college athletes, they are naturally blessed with good sporty genes and are very good looking. They’re fit, run races and workout intensely every day as if it’s as normal as brushing your teeth. They are also stunningly well dressed with carefully coordinated outfits and expensive clothes. They have the right brand of luxury cars you’d expect in their expensive neighborhood in just the right zip code. They have a tasteful but expensive home in a coveted neighborhood which they’ve outfitted beautifully with the help of interior designers. They of course also earn a handsome income working in finance although SIL will soon be a SAHM upon the birth of their first child.

Meanwhile, my husband is the exact opposite of his hyper perfect sister. He is laid back, jeans and T shirt guy who doesn’t know the difference between Tiffany’s and Kay Jewelers. He doesn’t work out, eats what he wants and works for himself although quite successfully. I too am very laidback, no makeup type of woman and although I try to be active, I have never been athletic and loathe working out. I really want a nice house too and love nice things but it’s hard to be picky when you’re financially strapped. I’m spending a weekend with this couple, for the first time in my life I realized, I’m not a “first tier” person. I’m painfully average.

So basically he's a paunchy loser with an unattractive dad bod?

Yep. I dont get why women marry these disasters and then are so miserable with them. These men look and act like garbage and bring no value to a relationship. What's the point??

I don't think this was what OP was saying at all. The way she described herself, sounds like she and her DH are well matched. Just like SIL and her husband are well matched. Just different. Anyone could choose to work harder to present more "perfectly," even outside of the money piece.

[Anonymous]

Appearances are deceiving.

[Anonymous]

Why is everyone saying this must be exhausting?? What is it you think the SIL is doing that is a big time suck?

[Anonymous]

We make good money, have a nice house in an expensive area, decorated it beautifully, have it regularly cleaned. We both dress nicely, I splurge on expensive skincare and makeup, get regular blowouts, etc.

This is not a stressful life. We have money and good taste. We are organized and somewhat disciplined but that is not stressful.

If you like what your ILs have, it should motivate you to try to do a little better in your own life. Start small.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Appearances are deceiving.

Not always. Why not be happy for people and be inspired to do the same or at least live your best life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a good friend who like your ILs, OP. She is constantly overwhelmed by anxiety at never being good enough, which is expressed as the kind of perfectionism you describe. Spending that much time on appearances is, frankly, exhausting and doesn’t usually make for good company.

+1

My relatives like this are constantly stressed out despite having nothing to be stressed about. She is a SAHM with kids launched/in college. Lol. No clue why she is so stressed. Apparently shopping and tennis are very stressful when you add the burden of coordinating your weekly cleaners and planning vacations to unwind from all the stress.

But their kids are thriving. Money and private school really make a difference in teeing up a successful life.

But that’s them, not me. I don’t compare my life to their life. Life isn’t a competition. Just live your life and enjoy what you have.

Money and private school and having b the luck to both be from functional families. I am pretty proud of my Type B life and home and kids given the amount of mental illness in both extended families. We may not have a restaurant reservation schedule or an oven schedule but I am really proud I made it through Thanksgiving without getting sucked into family drama. Helped some people mend some fences in the extended family relationship s and no one had a public tantrum\mantrum. So far, so good.

[Anonymous]

Op here. To be fair, my husband and I are also not exactly slobs. We both went to good schools and attended private school growing up. He has a masters degree, I am am working on obtaining mine. We...simply were not really in the income bracket for a while to live a "nice life." We rent in a nice area in Vienna but we haven't felt the need to decorate the apartment perfectly as we'd rather use our recent high income to save for a down payment. I adore nice furniture and art work and cannot wait to decorate my home one day!

My husband is a lot more laid back. He doesn't care about material things and insists we live on bare bones. Its caused major strife in our marriage but he is loosening up as we earn a higher income so I think he may be coming around.

Neither of us were athletes so we certainly do not have perfect bodies. I am trying to work out more and would like to acquire a toned lean physique.

Basically, I wish I had that life, as I want it. Badly. I feel behind and sad and jealous as I am many steps behind.

[Anonymous]

This just brought to mind something my niece wrote in high school. She was a real striver, super organized, tons of sports, ECs, APs, etc. Her parents were poor (both became disabled, my sister in her early 40s, my BIL in his 50s), their house was shabby and in a rural area that was eventually annexed by the city and zoned for future industrial use, which meant no new residential building or remodeling that would change the footprint of the house was allowed (not that they had the money for that). The piece she wrote in high school was about her house and how much she loved it, with the phrase "Never perfect" jumping out in one sentence. Most of her friends lived in gorgeous, expensive homes, but she loved the one she was raised in as well as the family she grew up in.